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I would like to thank all the sisters who pm’d me and expressed concern about how I am doing. I am just struggling very much right now. I am far worse off emotionally than I ever have been. When all this happened, I started off feeling very strong and capable, very sure of myself, but the fallout from this is far, far worse than I ever imagined in my worst nightmare. The reality that Dr. Minwalla laid out for me to see was almost more than I could bear. I will be seeing someone next week to try to change my anxiety meds to see if I can get any relief. I see my therapist next week also, she has been on vacation. I am hanging on, but barely. I am doing absolutely everything I can to hold my shit together for my kids. To try to maintain some sense of normalcy in crazytown. But it comes at a heavy price. I have nothing left emotionally to try to gain any ground for myself. I am a shell at the end of the day. I am spent. Please think of me and pray for my kids, no kid should have to go through this. I am reading posts and as always they are helpful. Liza makes me laugh so hard :), and right now it is painful to even smile sometimes so I am grateful for the comic relief. I need strength sisters. Thanks for being here and listening.
It will not always be as bad as it is right now.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you are out of the swamp. Every hesitation, every second-guessing, every self-doubt, keeps you there longer than you have to be. You’ve been deep in the swamp, expect emotional pushback. Just keep going.And I’m praying that your meds can be adjusted to help you keep going.
Oh Monique. It will be ok Sweetheart. You post whenever you want…or don’t want? You have been dealt a very heavy blow. Just do the best you can and try to get a medication that takes the edge off and see your therapist.
Hugs, KarenDiane is right about second-guessing and self-doubt holding you back, but we also understand how perfectly normal it is to be doing that. Just know that you are doing the best you can right now and try to be easy on yourself. Don’t dwell too much on what you think you should be doing or what the future holds, that will drive you nuts. Take one day at a time right now. Baby steps. It’s going to be okay. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be okay. You will get this all figured out. Just curious, how old are the kids?
Praying for you, ClaireMonique, this: “Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and one day you are out of the swamp” which Diane said. that is exactly it. day by day. one day at a time. just keep moving forward. keep the vision of the life you want for your kids and yourself on the horizon. that is what you are moving towards. do not look back.
Monique, if day by day is too hard right now, try hour by hour. Set whatever increment works for you. Just keep telling yourself “All I have to do is get through the next ____ (5 minutes, hour, day, whatever)”. Try not to look beyond whatever interval you set for yourself. You will get through this. We’re here whenever you need us.
Thank you for checking in and letting us know how you are. This has been a horrible shock to you and of course coming through that is extremely difficult. So glad your therapist is back, I hope she can give you some useful input that eases the struggle. Getting meds right takes time, too, so maybe adjustments there will help. It’s just a mess and I’m so sorry you are there. It’s not permanent, you will get through this. Just a step at a time.
Monique, for weeks (months?) after d-day, I would function as well as I could to take care of everyone’s basic needs and do my job professionally (or appear to) for as long as I could every day. Then, usually around 8 pm, I’d hit a wall and tell the SA, “I’ve had as much of this day as I can stand,” and I’d go to bed. Sometimes with a couple of Benadryl, to make sure I slept. The only time I had for my own healing was the hour a week I spent with my therapist. We made that count by doing EMDR, which helped my trauma symptoms enormously.
Monique, I still have days where I go minute by minute. Just surviving is SO hard in the beginning. Definitely get your meds tweaked. I had to switch antidepressants after a few months with no relief and the xanax had to be doubled. It does take time to get the right meds figured out. That is normal. Hang in there and keep posting. We have all been there and done that, and we can help keep you afloat.
Monique,
I echo the other sisters’ sentiments. I just changed anxiety/antidepressants and it’s been enormously helpful. I will say this…if I can get through this, you will too. I’m getting divorced because that’s the only path with my h, and you may not, but I remember so well the feelings you are describing. I never thought I would survive the emotions of the place you are in right now, and I have survived them. When sisters told me, “you will get there. You will be ok,” I didn’t believe it possible. Now I believe. Keep posting and reading. Post anytime you want or don’t want. No rules to that! Nothing is dumb, whether a question, or just venting your emotions of the day. Without question, SOS has gotten me through, especially when it seemed like there was no hope. Sending you lots and lots of love and prayers. xoxoxoMonique, I’m glad to hear from you. I have days, too, when I am just making it minute to minute. It’s a tough way to live, and there have been times when I didn’t now how I was going to bear one more minute. I know those times could be back in a heartbeat, too. Keep hanging in there. We are here whenever you need us.
Thank you all for the support. My general practice Dr. gave me 2 steroid shots to try to kick this laryngitis/cough I have had for 3 weeks. I hope it helps. I am still so shell shocked. I am having a hell of a time. I swing back and forth emotionally. First, mad as hell. Then I have to leave the room to go cry. Then I am just an irritable bitch. Then hopeless. Then sorry for myself. Then I even sometimes, ( and I am afraid to even admit this) feel sorry for gollum. He seems so humble and sincere, so damn SORRY. Then I want to slap myself silly. How could I even think of feeling anything but despise for him. This has to be hell on earth.
Claire , my kids are 20,12,10,8 and 6. The oldest 2 are my boys. The three youngest, my darling daughters. 🙂 What this has done to all of them is unspeakable. Even my 20yo who is in the army. That makes me furious. I am 53. I have lived a life. I certainly have made my mistakes. They are just starting their lives. I hate him for doing this to them, far more than I care about what it has done to me.
Good to hear from you Monique. Glad you are telling us what it is like. So glad you have this safe place to support you as you make your way out do the swamp.
Sending you love and strength.
Monique,
Those feelings are all pretty normal but can be overwhelming when you are trying to hold them in so you can care for and educate 4 kids. Make sure you are giving yourself some time and space to get some of it out. Post all you want. If you just want people to listen and not give advice, just say so. We are here for you.Monique – I know when I was going through all the emotions you are experiencing right now, I always reached out to my sister’s here on s.o.s. I think it will help to come often and vent to your hearts desire. We are all here for you.
I vented all the time, and sometimes felt everyone was getting sick of it, because I was on the fence and couldn’t make up my mind, but everyone me, stayed with me and they never let go with love and support. Eventually, I worked through it. I think Joann and the girl’s were more helpful than any counseling I would have received. Your are experiencing an array of emotions that go from one extreme to another-perfectly normal! Try to take care of yourself-#1. You are the most important right now, so be good to yourself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We are all here for you anytime day or night.
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