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God, I don’t even know where to begin. I met my husband, Frank when I was 14 and he was 17. I grew up with an alcoholic/drug addicted father, and parented my mother for as long as I can remember. When I was 13, I started attending youth group on my own, and became a born-again Christian (fwiw I no longer consider myself as such). It was a way for me to give myself rules since I grew up without any. I was parenting myself. Anyways-Frank grew up with a philandering father and a super-religious mother. Now I see what a perfect equation that made for his fucked up sexuality. We tried to be super-Christians, taking purity vows and all that bs….and waited until we were married to have sex. Both of us had messed around with people before, but mostly just fondling and oral sex…never DID the deed. So, when I was 18 I married who I thought was the love of my life. Flesh becoming one-we would be together forever, I would always be by his side, etc. etc. I gave up a bright future for this man. I stayed at a lackluster college because it’s the only one he could go to, and turned down a full scholarship to a better one so we could get married and stay together. I managed to finish my bachelor’s on time, despite giving birth to my first son and being pregnant with my second during my final year. We moved into the inner city to minister to people, I had 4 babies, and his mother lived us. Insanity. During this time, Frank was traveling for work, 2-3 days a week, and we were fighting about money a lot. He’d freak if I spent money eating out, etc.
In 2006 we moved out of state to a rural community. I found some porn listed on our cable bill and confronted him about it. The “truth” came out that he had been obsessively watching porn our whole marriage (7yrs at that point), and had been visiting strip clubs and receiving lap dances while traveling for work the last 2 years. I was devestated. We were very religious at that point, it felt like a different man. Of course I blamed it on myself, and worked harder to hold it all together, just as I had my whole childhood. I became hypersexual with him….sometimes 2x a day, and certainly almost every day. Bought sex toys and occasionally watched porn with him. Decided I was going to be the fantasy, so he wouldn’t have to go anywhere else.
Well, things started getting rough for us the past year, as I have started to come to terms with losing both of my addict parents before I was 30….and how I’ve been holding everyone and everything together. I tend to have emotionally manipulative friends in my life, and have just started to have the balls to stick up for myself and get rid of the negativity. As I’ve been doing this, I’ve also been standing up for myself in our marriage. I started working full-time, stopped homeschooling the kids, and told Frank I couldn’t go to church for awhile, that my beliefs had drastically changed. He got mean, hateful, started to make me feel guilty, like a terrible mother…..etc etc. This was definitely his mo our whole marriage when I tried to stand up for myself.
So 2 weeks ago, I was trying to be helpful and update his business website for him, but forgot the login password. I called and asked him to reset it, but he was too busy. So I went into his email and did it myself. I just happened to click the sent folder…..and found dozens of emails to Craigslist whores asking to meet up. He even posted one asking for a late night hook-up at his house. MY HOUSE!! WITH MY 5 BABIES SLEEPING!! He swore he never met up with any of them, that it was all fantasy, playbook word-for-word. At first he was really mean, and made me feel guilty that I wouldn’t let him sleep in the bed, trying to guilt me and tell me I was throwing our marriage away. Thank God I’ve been practicing standing up for myself with friends this year and learning to recognize emotional manipulations….I never thought I was living with one.
He finally stopped the hatefulness, and said I was right, that he did have a problem, etc. Said he would do anything to make it better, pleading with me not to reject him or give up on him. I told him I was going to therapy to sort myself out, and he could go to therapy if he wanted, but that wasn’t going to be something I was going to help him with. The night before therapy I told him this was his last chance….that if I learned anything new after therapy from him that I was leaving for sure. Well, surprise surprise….there was more. 7 years ago when he was getting lap dances from strippers he called a hooker to his hotel room. Says he couldn’t perform so he just laid next to her and masturbated. Says he didn’t touch her. Says he’s been having phone and cyber sex for our whole marriage. Says he’s contacted escorts from backpage, but swears he’s never met any of them. Um….does he really expect me to fucking believe that he called a hooker 7 years ago, and has been actively trying for the last 7 years, but hasn’t gone through with it for that long??? Fucking bullshit. There was also this time that he took sexually explicit pictures of me while I was sleeping, including us about to have intercourse, and sent them to some fuck online. Says he’s so sorry, he’s never crossed that line, and he wouldn’t, wants to save the marriage and make things right.I’m pretty sure that I’m not sticking around. I have to get my shit together…he owns his own business and doesn’t turn much profit yet (only 2 years in), and my job doesn’t pay enough for me to support all of the kids and another household. Even if he does battle this addiction, my trust in him is completely broken. What do you have without trust?? And I cannot participate in the up-and-down yo-yo of an addict’s recovery. Been there, done that and deeply scarred. I’m not a woman who can face that again. Now I fight against feeling guilty for not sticking with him….yada yada. I know you sisters have heard and felt it all before. Thanks for listening to my vent.
Hi, SaraFranchesa (beautiful name)..
My God, you’re a strong woman! You’ve been to hell and back. And I’m not usually quite so blunt, but honey, he sounds like a royal fucker, and so far beneath you it isn’t funny. I know with five children and financial concerns, you can’t just up and leave necessarily. But baby steps towards that goal. And I understand guilt all too well, but I hope and pray that you are able to rid yourself of that, first and foremost, so you can focus on what you need to do to get free. Sending you hugs and healing thoughts, and very glad you found us. xoxo
hello sister,
Thanks for telling us that story, as tough as it is. I think you are just amazing and vote for you continuing to stand up for yourself. Contrary to what you learned about religion, I believe honouring your own sacredness its our first act of worship. BUT don’t let that stop you from doing it!!! HAHA.Yes, as soon as you ask for anything from these guys, they whine and cry, or treat you like you are the most unreasonable bitch in the history of the world. How dare you expect him to be faithful?
I hope you can find a way to make your own way with those precious babies. We will be your cheerleaders all the way.
warm hugs,
diane.Thanks for sharing your story Sara. It’s so hard to share but it really helps when you get it all out there.
Of course he is lying. I’m sorry but what you know is just the tip of the iceberg. Please get yourself tested for STD’s ( the full panel).
We are here to support you every step.
Thanks guys. One of the things that just kills me is his hypocrisy. When he was yelling at me for eating out-he was spending money on strippers and hookers. When he was yelling at me for not being a believer anymore-he was trying to hook up with strangers on Craigslist. What a sham. I deserve better.
And about the testing-I definitely have to. I have had what I thought are reoccurring yeast infections. Now I’m not so sure. Ugh.
Sarafranchesca I am so sorry. I have to say that in many ways your story and mine are very similar. I too had alchoholic parents and because I was made a ward of the state at 14, I had to parent myself. Lots of other trauma in between but now I have been married to a sex addict for 13 years. I found out about 8 years ago. I gave up my career to stay home and have 5 children. I have nursed them all and diapered them all and am now homeschooling the 4 still at home. When we married it was a mixed marriage as I had to get an annulment so we could be married in the Catholic church. I was not catholic, but converted 2 years after we married. Then, we decided to go to the SSPX which is the old ways. Skirts only, modest shirts with sleeves to elbows, husband is the authority in the house ect. Great, except that this man who portrayed himself as such a great traditional catholic was masturbating to teen porn for hours everynight while me and my babies slept. I have stopped attending Mass and it is hard on my kids. I still have faith in God, but no longer have any in religious institutions. They still go with him on Sundays but I can’t stand the thought of sitting next to such a hipocrite. Also, all 3 priests I dragged him to see told me that guys all look at stuff and it is not infidelity “strickly speaking”. That I needed to forgive and pray for my husband and do penance.
I can honestly say that did not effing work. He swears it was only porn, but I don’t believe him. When I hear stories like yours it makes me realize that he probably has never and will never tell me the truth.The ladies here have urged me to get tested for stds but It horrifies me so much I just can’t make myself go. It sounds like you have more strength than I. I hope this site helps you. I have found a lot of wisdom and support. These ladies are wonderful, caring and more savvy than just about anyone I know.
Hugs
MoniqueHello sara, this is the club nobody wants to join, but all of us here understand and “get it.” I’ve been married for 18 years and earlier this year found multiple hooker calls/texts on my H’s “business” phone, plus a google voice internet number setup and 550+ texts to and from a sleazy bimbo tramp he hired into his OFFICE…and who also might be a hooker, I haven’t been able to find out for sure. He denies everything and says his phone was hacked (ha); when it became obvious that I wasn’t buying his lame lies, he moved out so he could (probably) beat off to porn and call hookers 24h/day. Religious or not religious, these nuts have similar personality disorders and they’re all compulsive liars. I still cannot get my head around how someone could construct a huge, gigantic edifice of lies and say them to you with a straight face. Especially someone you’ve loved and trusted for (in my case) 26 years.
So sorry you need to be here, Sara, but glad that you found us. We all understand the stupifying pain.
Thank you to all. I am trying to find a way out of this situation so I can breathe, create some distance and really make a good decision. I’ve worked the numbers, and even without assistance from Frank, I believe I can make it work if I can receive food stamps. I found a great house, closer to work and much less gas, close to friends who could help out in a pinch too. Fingers crossed for me, I’m going to slowly start making my way there….hopefully move date of Jan 1.
Sounds great Sara. Well done.
It really makes a difference to get out from under their cloud. You can think again, and imagine a life without their insanity and constant demands for abuse availability.I feel so empowered to think I actually have a real choice in front of me. Now I just have to decide how/when to tell Frank and how/when to tell the kids. I will need to open new accounts, and get some financial responsibilities switched over before I can tell him…seems that will be smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving/Christmas season. Much to talk with my therapist about.
Hey – and I too am sorry you are where you are.
Don’t lose your faith on account of one screwed up idiot, trust God even now – just don’t trust him.Do get tested – a bout of chlamydia was my gift from my husband and it is virtually undetectable.
Start siphoning money now, buy gift cards for grocery stores or prepaid MasterCard and hide them in a secret po box.
You will survive this. You will be better than ever and you will break the cycles that you have grown with for your own children. Take the power now and do it!
Much love and light x
Great that you found that house and have a goal.
As to when to tell, I’d say after you have a signed separation agreement that YOU want, and you’re moved in and he does not have a key to your new place.
Really. He will do everything possible to slow your progress and make you second guess yourself at every turn. Just keep it quite and move forward.
I bought the largest item WalMart sold and kept it in the closet to return when SJ decided not to pay my support. I knew he would. The refund paid for groceries, mortgage and car payment the month he decided to close our joint account and not tell me. Yes, he asked why the grocery bill was so high that month (I knew it would show up on his side as just Walmart, not itemized). I just told him moving was very expensive to set up a new kitchen. It’s true. Two can play the spin doctor game.
The sisters said to get $20 cash every time I bought groceries and hide it. I did. He did stuff that made me need that pretty regularly. He still loves to yank the noose tighter by cutting off the money, playing chicken with the courts. Making me crazy.
I love what March said about this “game” we are playing. I didn’t want to play, but since he forced me to, he can’t call me a bitch for playing to win. Well, actually he does and I consider it high praise now, because I know what it really means is that once again, he underestimated me and didn’t get his way.
Play to win.
All great ideas! I just took $20 at the store-from his business card. Also found some more from a joint account his dad puts money into for the kids. You bet your bottom dollar I’m working on getting that too.
It sucks about chlamydia-I have suspicions I’m dealing with that. Ugh what a “gift”Chlamydia is asymptomatic? ? I have to get tested. I am so afraid. I don’t want any more trauma to deal with. You sound like you are kicking butt sarafrancesca. Awesome!
Yes, it is. And syphilis is after the initial infection, until the tertiary stage when damage to the heart or nervous system becomes evident. HPV can be asymptomatic, but lead to cervical cancer which also can be asymptomatic until far advanced. Hepatitis can be slowly doing it’s damage to your liver without you realizing what the real problem is. And of course HIV is silent until … don’t even want to think about it.
Testing is not optional, when you find out about these guys it is an absolute MUST.
sarafranchesa, it sounds like you are well on your way to freedom. I am in awe of all the steps you’ve already taken. xoxo
Sarafran,
I’ve read your story and I’m sorry about all the pain he is causing you. Yes, keep moving forward and make a plan. Small steps add up. I think you are doing the right thing and I wish you all the best. I know its hard but so well worth it in the long run.
Love, NapxoGo girl. As another sister (Daisy?) recently said, “Kick. Ass. Curb.”
We have poets in the hood. Stay tuned.
Had a therapy session today. Told her I was feeling so guilty about what leaving will do to Frank. She pointed out that guilt is my response for shutting down anger instead of feeling it. Lots to chew on. I’m not a deceptive person so this is going to be the hardest thing to not just blurt out my plan to leave. I’d like to think he would care about the kids and make it about them not us. But that would be an adult response…one I’m not sure I can expect. In the words of my therapist-his actions will show me whether I’m dealing with a teenager or an adult male.
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