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Ladies I am quickly reaching my tipping point. Yesterday he watched the kids while I went to see my cardiologist. Who, by the way, is such a sweetie. I told him that my husband has lost his job and that I would have to make some other kind of arrangement. He said “you have been my patient for a long time Monique and you have to have cardiac care. Don’t worry, I will make sure you are taken care of. The business manager will get in touch with you and have you sign that you are uninsured.
Then he said ” You are a beautiful woman and maybe it is time you dumped this guy for someone who will take care of you like you deserve to be taken care of.” That floored me because he is not a touchy feely warm bear kinda doctor. What a nice guy.
When I was in my teens and twenties, I drank a lot. I felt that it was a problem and at 30 I quit. Just stopped. I have not in all these last 23 years had a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. Or even had the desire too. Recently I bought a bottle of wine and had a glass before bed. Emphasis on glass. One. Someone at Walgreens saw me and reported to Dan that I had bought some wine. Ok, maybe I should not have a glass of wine before bed. I do not feel like I have a problem. In my 20s I was a bass player in a touring rock band and I did a lot of things musicians are well known for doing. But when I stopped at 30, playing in the band and touring, and went back to working as a Surgical Tech, that was it. I stopped and never had any issues with that. Now, I don’t think I was an “alcoholic” , but I do think I drank too much. Anyway, he is having a fit over this someone reporting to him. He wanted to search the house. I told him no, I am not going to allow you to treat me like I am a criminal because I had a glass of wine. I have not had any alcohol around the kids, I have one glass of red wine, before bed, which incidentally is good for my heart, and helps me wind down and sleep. I told Dan that if someone had concerns, they should have asked me, instead of tattling. He asked me not to do it again.
We ended up in a long discussion which I won’t bore any of you with. The upshot is that he is so sorry and blah blah blah. I told him I do not love you anymore and will not ever love you again. He said he will love me to his grave.
He leaves and my kids go to bed. My oldest daughter comes in and says Mama, you always said if an adult tells you something, but not to tell your mother or father something, that is the red flag to tell. I said Yes that is what I have told you. She said that while I was at the Dr. Office, he got all of the kids together and asked if they wanted him to be there every day. She said she told him “no you make me uncomfortable” all the others said yes, they would like to see him more. Then he said the dreaded words. “And don’t tell your mother we talked about this.” She was upset and crying when she told me this and saying that he makes her so uncomfortable and she doesn’t know why. He just does. He always has. I said “Always?” She said yes, but she doesn’t know why. She said, I told you mama because you have always said “follow your gut, if your instinct tells you something is wrong, it is.” so that’s why I told you. She sat up with me looking at pictures of horses and dogs on pinterest to get her calmed down. She finally went to bed.
Then this morning I hear the front door open and hear Dan walking around. We were all in bed!!! I got up and he said “Hi ,I brought you a coffee”. I said you cannot just show up here and come in the house like this! He says I told you I would be working on the neighbors porch. I said yes, but that does not mean you can just walk in here. Call or text to let me know. Then I told him he needed to stop pumping the kids for information and telling them to not tell mom. It is wrong and abusive to the kids and puts a huge burden on them that is unfair.
Anyway, as I sit here typing, I think I have reached my limit. I cannot continue with him so closely entwined with me. He will never let me go. He will always be in the background watching me. I know he will be around the kids. At least the ones who aren’t uncomfortable with him. I can see divorce may be my only option. He is forcing my hand. I will not be dictated to by him, I feel he is spying on me and trying to get information intended to control me, threaten me or intimidate me. I am pissed off. I am feeling more and more determined to get away from him. I worry about the kids. But I am going crazy having to cook dinner for him and have him here even 3 times a week. Now he is trying to weasel his way back in to the house through the kids. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! What do you ladies think? I am too old to play these shitty games. Been there and done that. I don’t have the strength to do it again. Period.
When do we say when?? When do the balances tip?? He biggest weight on my balance is the children. If it wasn’t for them, I would be long gone. What to do?
Then, my daughter comes
Monique, with every post you write I become more concerned about you and your kids and how crazy your H is getting. I find it very difficult to believe that someone who knows you (especially considering how isolated your H kept you) *happened* to be in Walgreens at the moment you bought a bottle of wine for the first time in YEARS! Why would an acquaintance find it odd that an adult woman bought a bottle of wine? Why would that even be commented on? I think he has you under some sort of surveillance – this was not just a happenstance observation. And the fact that he keeps entering your home without your permission after you have told him repeatedly not to do so is also very concerning. I know it sounds paranoid but I think you should check your car for a tracking device and check your house for cameras and/or audio bugs. Seriously. If you find anything. DO NOT REMOVE IT! Take the car to the police and show them, or if you find something in the house call the police and show them what you found. Make sure a report is filed and then call the women’s shelter back and talk to them about a restraining order. The other thing you need to do immediately is change the locks. I know I’ve said this before but now I am begging you! Please do this. The fact that he would enter the house while you are all sleeping scares the shit out of me. I am deeply concerned for your safety and the safety of your kids. Please. Change the locks right away. If you can’t afford it I will send you a wire transfer, money order, whatever it takes.
No one can tell you when it is time to say enough. I used to ask my therapist if I would ever have the clarity to make a decision one way or the other. She assured me I would. After disclosure I got the clarity I needed to leave and choose me. I do not have the clarity regarding whether or not I want to divorce my husband. I expect I will know in time.
Only you know what you can endure at his hands. No one here can tell you to stay or go. I am sure you have already realized that it is much easier to tell some one else that their husband is a disaster and they should leave and get as far away as possible, but only you can make that decision in your life and it should be based on what you believe to be the best situation for your children and you. Can you get away for a day or two to do some serious soul searching? Those kids did not choose him to be their father, you did. As hard as it is, it is up to YOU to figure his out. I am glad that you keep posting and this is a great place to bounce ideas and safely rant, but the decision to divorce is solely up to you.hes sure a needy SOB. I think I would want to just get it over with as quickly as possible (divorce) or it’s just going to be more of the same NIGHTMARE. However, I know you are worried about custody with your children. IDK I’d have a hard time cooking this AH a meal….
Wise words from the sisters. It sounds like he is not observing ANY of the boundaries you set. And it’s wrecking havoc with the children. His triangulation of them is mentally and emotionally abusive. Of course he will NEVER admit to that, he’ll say he’s being a concerned father. I don’t know what I would do. Well, I do, but it would be a lot of really passive/aggressive stuff like always serving stuff he HATES on those meals, and having the children scheduled for sleepover on his nights so he couldn’t do the team dad propaganda talks. No, well actually when it reached that point with SJ he was on his way to TX and I was moving into this little cottage here in NC, so I have no idea what I would actually do.
There is never a clean break, and there are never easy answers. I hate them for that.
The wine, that’s non of his freaking business. You are an adult and have behaved like one. He is behaving like a middle schooler. Ignore him about that.
I remember too well the bit about asking the kids questions or telling them things and then asking them not to repeat it to me. Like you Monique, I made it quite clear to him that I knew he had done that, and that I wasnt happy. Now that has taken me back to when my SAH was still in the house, it truly just gets worse, and even when they are separated completely from you, they will keep pushing your boundaries. I am hoping divorce will settle it but I think the other sistas need to guide us on that one. My heart goes out to you my sista.
I’m with Daisy. He’s following you or someone has been paid to follow you. One bottle of wine is not a red flag issue.
Creepy.
Thanks everyone for your advice. Sorry Trish, I did not mean to imply that I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Just looking for other points of view. I am just so tired of this stupid dance already and it has only been 2 months. I hate that he won’t respect my boundaries no matter what I say. Hid therapist has told him that I have “dehumanized him” in order to detach emotionally from him. Blech. Whatever. I am well aware of the fact that I picked this man to be the kids dad. What I did not know and he purposely hid from me was that he was a sick pervert. I know that they love him and I just have accept that. I knew when he “lost” his job that this shit would happen. I now have a whole lot of issues I need to deal with right quick. Anything I do at this point is based on two things. How much will I put up with for the next 12 years till my baby is grown and I can then divorce, or do I get this inevitable thing done and hurt them now? He would have visitation. We would have to split holidays. I would have to get my old job back and put them in public school. As a sidebar, New Mexico is 48th in the country for high school graduates. Out system here is horrible. Even middle school has to have armed police officers there at all times because of the gang violence. I can’t afford private school.
So I realize nobody can tell me what to do. I just hate this. The whole, I’ll take the high road while you alienate my kids against me. I won’t stoop to using the kids to make it easier on me. I know I am fence sitting. I blow one way and then another. Thanks again to all. Every word means something to me. I feel hopeless and powerless right now. Sometimes I just feel that it is not worth the fight and just want to give up. Let him just have his way and I will leave instead.
No need to apologize Monique. I think I came on too strong. The whole business sucks. There is no perfect answer unless you have a heart of stone and more money than Midas. Broken hearts, broken homes, broken bank accounts, broken families. Our legacy for loving damaged men.
Monique- so he and his therapist are sitting around figuring you out? That’s pretty rich.
Why do these therapists keep turning it back on us. Maybe there is a damn good reason that we are upset and alarmed- like our babies are hanging out with perverts? I just don’t get why that makes US the bad guys. Ask the damn therapist if she would want her daughters spending the night with him.Monique, the only thing that gets me through right now is knowing Bat is 15, so there’s an end in sight. I can’t imagine enduring for 12 years. It does suck…maybe he will need to leave town to find a job?
He dehumanized himself.
Monique, I find it incredibly disturbing that his own daughter has ALWAYS felt uncomfortable around him. I think kids have really good instincts, feel things in their bodies. As they (we) get older, they begin to question those feelings, rationalize, wish them away. My father creeped me out too. And I was right about him.
Girls want so badly to love their fathers and for their fathers to love them. If she doesn’t want to be around him, there’s a good damn reason.
Monique. I am going to come on strong and it isn’t because I don’t get it. You are going to have to leave him and your kids are going to have to brave public school. You know why? Because his own child is uncomfortable to be around him. Now you tell me? What would cause a child to feel that way about their own father? A father who has a father who is a known pedophile. Your kids are at far greater risk being around him. Now, I know what you are going to say about staying with him to protect them BUT how exactly is that going to work? You cannot keep him out of your house now…he is with them now. He is ALWAYS there and he is creepy and he doesn’t listen to anything you say to him. And now he doesn’t have a fucking job (because of some other weird unexplained behaviour) Monique so he is a threat with NO BENEFITS. I fully get wanting to shield your children because I told my husband I would kill him myself if he did ANYTHING that even remotely translated into hurting them again. I don’t know how you will keep them safe, as I feel certain he is very disturbed. BUT your health will NEVER survive the stress of another 12 years of doing this dance with that psycho. And if your cardiac condition kills you….who will shield your children then?
Go for the divorce and hope that he finds some other victim to control. Men like that don’t stay alone long. He is like Dr E- totally fucking crazy and Teri has no choice but to divorce him and stay as far away from him as possible. We pray all the time he will develop a serious interest in another victim and move on from her and Bat. You cannot control your husband Monique and he is dangerous. I’m sorry. They are ALL freaks, but freaks that look at kids are a different case from the so called philanderers who limit their damage to their wives and their
sex trade partners. Listen to your daughter. She feels something you may be over looking. And then do everything Daisy said. He is probably tracking you. You are very strong Monique. I feel that about you.Huge Hugs, Karen
Lots to think about. I thank you kmf for your honesty and truth telling. In my heart I know what I have to do. My daughters remarks last night really upset me. I tried several ways in an easy going manner to see if she could tell me why she felt so uncomfortable. She said everytime that she did not know why, she just felt uncomfortable. I also thought it very telling that when he gathered them all together and asked she told him she did not want him coming over more often because he makes her uncomfortable. Those are her words not mine. The others said they want to see him more. My alarm bells are fucking shrieking. I do think he is having me followed or watched or something. I need to talk to someone to tell me how to look for bugs or cameras or gps or what ever the hell else can be used to track someone. Now that he is doing “side” construction work, I have no idea how much money he is making. He just says he’ll keep the account full for me to pay bills. You are right about my heart condition. I also question my ability to survive this amount of stress for twelve more years. I don’t think I can, and frankly neither does my Cardiologist.
Bev ,I don’t get these fucking therapists either. She told him the other day that neither he nor I have ever fixed a broken relationship. That we always run. WTF????? I spent 18 fucking years with my first SOB x before I threw in the towel to save my 2 year old from life with an alcoholic. The only other relationship is with Dan. And I sure as hell have stayed the course with this sick SOB. I told him to tell her to stop trying to analyze me and stick to her client. That she doesn’t know anything about me and to shut the hell up. I hate that they make us out to be the sick ones. I agree, let her daughters spend some quality time with Dan.
Liza, time is of the essence and I am feeling a ton of pressure. I gotta make some hard decisions soon.
You cannot believe what they say, period.
I would doubt very seriously that his therapist said those exact words to him, or if the therapist did say those words it’s likely due to some type of lie he told the therapist.
Just like my H saying bullshit crap all the time is just because he wants to hurt me. Anything to knock us off balance.
I so agree with you cbslife. Just before reading your response i thought the same thing. I remember my SAH coming to tell me that his doctor suggested I see a pychiatrist and he even brought me the details. It may have been years later when I confronted the doctor and he said he would never suggest what I needed to my husband. He said he gave him those details for himself. So yep don’t ponder too much, if at all, on what he says the therapist says about you. It’s all meant to derail you. I think what the sisters are saying is simply that it’s all about YOU now. What do YOU want. Who do YOU want to spend the rest of your life with? If it is him, do you have the energy and even physical strength to endure this? And Is it really worth it? The cost to your mental health, physical health, your and your childrens wellbeing? These are just some of the tough questions you would need to confront and act upon. You will lose our financially, you will lose out in terms of your security, but you will gain purity and dignity for you and your children
Oh Monique I know. Having children with these men is a nightmare and that is what makes it so difficult- I know what you mean about being long gone if it wasn’t for the children.
I know it’s not easy with your health- like you mentioned in previous posts. I know you have many children too- so many things to consider.
Anyway I know your going through a tough time too. So am I.
But knowing you and other women are managing and pushing through- for our children is in a strange way giving me strength.
Keep asking the ladies for support/advice. Keep seeking and keep listening to YOUR GUT! God will lead you Monique, I don’t mean that in a foo foo kind of way but in a real way. Keep seeking, your going to find the help you need. 🙂
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