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Sibylls’ post got me wondering. What are the stats for real recovery? I think that is the real deal breaker. If you knew that 100% go back to porn/hookers/craigslist or whatever, at some point, even those who are the 5% who “recover”, how could you ever hope that your heart and life will not be ripped into shreds again? It seems naive in the extreme to hope under those circumstances. I am asking seriously. For me, the pain of all the ddays and lying and sneaking is more than I could bear again. It would put some sort of hope on the plate if the statistics would bear out a real chance for normalcy. But that does not seem to be the case. I too would love to hear ANY successful recovery stories.
Can’t help you. Success stories I’ve read and seen are either from women whose husband’s have been “successes” for say, two months. We all know they can white knuckle it for that long just to get their family cover back up and running. OR from women who have bought the co-addict label and are “owning” their part and so busy pouring themselves into the relationship and showing their husbands they “trust” them again they probably wouldn’t see/acknowledge if their husband’s did a whore in the plane seat beside them on their way to speak at another Carnes workshop.
Snide, sorry. But that’s the way it appears to me. Either way too early to claim recovery, or so brainwashed by the system they will accept anything at all as a “recovery” rather than acknowledge the facts.
I’ve read stories of both success and failure but I went looking for actual percentages or numbers. This is what I gathered, mostly by google-ing. This stat was was consistant and pretty high -80-95% of SA’s that get treatment will relaps. That freaked me out! This one treatment site says they offer a 30 step program (the common 12 plus more) the stats on this site said 90% of the SA’s that have made it past step 19 have been sober for 5+ years. Most treatment sites have a high percentages of recovery and talk about if they do this and this they’ve got it made, but if that was my business I sure wouldn’t be saying spend your money here but recovery ain’t happening! The 5% recovery rate that seems to pop up everywhere says this is the recovery rate for SA’s that do not get help or treament If I’m understanding that’s what independent means.. I saw a forum that posed this question, a student who researched SA recovery stats for a universisty weighed in saying “sorry it doesn’t look good!”. I also saw pole of 101 SA’s- 17 said recovery is possible, 63 said not possible, and 21 said not sure yet. I don’t know, my personaI summary of all that I’ve read i ane my own circomatance is that I will continue to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
The 5% thing again!
Please read my article about that (all my articles can be found by clicking the JoAnn’s Editorials’ tab)
http://sisterhoodofsupport.com/the-5-recovery-myth-for-sex-addicts/
I’ve also searched for recovery statistics, but what is out there seems nebulous at best. There hasn’t been enough research yet.
Until we find a way to read these men’s minds there will never be a way to determine if they are ‘sober’ or to show any accurate statistics.
If we listen to the men we will hear the denial and lies. If we listen to the partners we will hear the lies that they truly believe. I have heard way too many stories from women who believe that their SA’s have changed only to find out that they have not. I was one of those.
So, this is a case where there can be no real scientific data because there is no accurate way to collect the data.
The best we can hope for are the neuro scientific studies that are being done that show that addicts (including sex addicts) have significant and measurable physical anomalies in their brains.
What hasn’t been determined yet is whether or not these anomalies were present in these people from birth, were formed during childhood, or developed because of the addictive activities.
I am constantly angered by the false hope that the sex addiction clinics feed everyone. It’s criminal. ~ JoAnn
Yes I think if we talk hope it should be for our own lives. We can know what we have inside us to survive what’s been put in our path. We can continue to live a meaningful and joyful life despite what happened. It wasn’t our fault and we did the best we could. Now the hope for us we realize the truth of our situations and move forward to a life of joy not pain.
The false hope is criminal. I can’t even begin to tell you how much money has been spent on his addiction. Dday was 3 years ago, so thousands and thousands. Now we are going through a divorce and the lawyers are getting rich bc he turned into a total asshole and contests everything. I wasted 27 years on the asshole and now another year so far trying to get divorced.
I was one that thought my husband was in the 5%. He went to Minwalla, spent 3 weeks there. Spent well over $12,000 in treatment. Still spending $500 or more in therapist and psychiatry per month. I thought he was doing all the right things to save our marriage. I thought we were going to be just fine. I was going to be proud of all the hard work he did and we’d live happily ever after.
Then he got arrested for possession of child porn and now he’s facing possible jail time and I can’t get him out of my house. He will now be a Registered Sex Offender for the rest of his life. That’s something that becomes public knowledge and it’s not something neighbors like to have in their hood.
I guess he “forgot” to tell me about his illegal activities while he bragged about how wonderful he was in recovery.In my opinion, and my opinion only, they are not addicts at all. They are mastermind perverts and they know exactly what they are doing. They thrive on the thrill of not getting caught, almost as much as the thrill of getting off.
Sorry, but I see no hope.
Are we talking hope of a 100% recovery? Not gonna happen. They may achieve lifelong “sobriety” according to whatever definition is “agreed upon” but even that’s a perpetual maintenance issue. They will never be “cured”. Not even 5% of them. What goes into the brain, all those images and women they chose to use, it can’t be erased. Except for lobotomy and shock therapy, and maybe dementia and Alzheimer’s. Its all in there, in their heads where you will never know what is really going on. How long did the exteriors look okay to us? Think they can’t do that again?
Claire, when I look at what’s in front of me with doc e (rather than listening to the psychobabble from the therapists), that is exactly what I see, too.
Yep. I’m sorry but I don’t see these dudes as helpless at all. If you are talking about hope in relation to them, the very best you can hope for is some kind of leverage to use against them to minimise their power. They like cat and mouse games. You have to be certain you remain the cat.
Can addicts use EMDR to help erase things from their minds? If partners use it to help get rid of memories or visuals, can’t the addict if they are really trying to regain a healthy brain? Just curious and thinking out loud.
Not sure Trish but I’m guessing no. That would be like using EMDR to forget that you really do like chocolate cake even though you are diabetic and cannot eat it…..
Everything is a fucking game to them. And they have to win. What they don’t realize is that they are deplorable excuses for human beings. I would never never ever want to be like them. They are really losers.
I did read your article Joanne, it was one of the first things I read on this site and I agree, but that said the 5% recovery rate is still one of the most common stats and pops up over and over when people like me are looking for hope. I also thought that this seemed to have no validity considering the many differing opinions re: classification, treatment models. I discovered all this before finding this site and am so thankful to have found it and you, l’ve learned harsh realities and that the road ahead is uncertian its terrifying. I ended my last post with saying “I will hope for the best and plan for the worst” ..and now I’m adding this time that I also wish for a “miracle”!
I think you can have hope….whatever that hope means to you. Can a very few stay sober…..maybe. Will they always have to fight the urge to be fucking whore mongers….yes. Will they always fight the urge to look at 20 year old tight bodies….yes.
However, I sincerely believe most men are just horrible at being faithful, either in their minds or physically acting out. I think most men absolutely look at porn. They just don’t think they have a problem. Or their wives don’t care, and think, oh well at least he isn’t bugging me for sex tonight. What I have learned through this whole mess so far….is what are YOU willing to live with. I am not interested whatsoever in dating ANYONE. I don’t trust shit. If MY husband could do this……ANYONE can. I swear it if you knew him, you would never ever ever ever suspect this. So, I am staying where I am. For now. I am watching him go through his recovery, and just looking after myself. I am not leaving my beautiful home. I am not spending tons of money on couples shit that wont work. I would rather have diamonds. If you want to spend money on YOU and your therapy….do it. That is different.
Men are mostly pigs and that is just the way it goes. Am I jaded…..no, I just woke up.
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