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Talked with my therapist and Dr. M. yesterday. I got a double shot of help out of the swamp. I told my therapist about the locked door. I explained that I was not playing a game, I wanted to see with my own eyes that he would look me in the eye and lie without a blink. He did and could. So that question was answered for me. I reinforced my door with 6 1/2 inch screws screwed in 3/4 in front of the strike plate. Can’t fit anything in there now to push the bolt back. Try again MFPOS. I had light bulb moment with her. I asked her why, knowing all that I do about him, do I still feel sorry for him and have feelings that he is trying to change. She said , ” Monique you are a kind person. You hate to think of how hurtful it would be to him if he really meant it. That’s because that is how YOU would feel, really meaning the remorse, trying to change and not being believed. Trust his actions, not his words.” I went “A-HA!!!!” At my gut level, I worry that I am making a mistake that his “recovery” is not genuine. And I would feel like a real shit if that were true. My therapist says that is because I am at my core an honest person, and honest people are easily deceived by pathological liars because we don’t think that way. Hmmmmm…
Dr. Minwalla said, just the fact that I have to lock my bedroom door to keep him out is abuse. It says that something is terribly wrong here. He says that Dan is all over the place pathologically and that a disclosure/poly would of be no use, because he is so messed up right now that he is not ready in any way at this time. He is not in recovery and Dr. M. does not see much hope in any real change, given all the pathology. His words, not mine. I told him my situation of sitting tight for now and he said to keep in mind to continue to empower myself to understand that I am in a very abusive situation. He said stand afar and watch. Detach and do not get entangled with Dan. He said that Dan is in a lot of trauma that’s why he is crying and having weight loss. He said you are in a tornado– step back into safety and watch from afar what Dan does. So, there it is. I thank Dr. M. for taking the time to speak with me and give me such sage advice. He really cares, and it shows.
I have to thank all the sisters for being here all the time for me. It is such a great feeling to know that I have somewhere where people really understand what I am going through. I have friends and they are great, but this is one of those things you gotta experience yourself to really understand how bad it sucks. How frightening and demeaning this is. Thank you JoAnn for creating this safe haven. You are an angel. 🙂
Thanks for sharing about the counseling support and validation you are getting.
The exchanges you have shared sound so helpful for you. So happy for you.
I never, ever, ever got this kind of support. Finally I am better though. Took so much longer to heal because of the type of therapy I had.
I think I’ll sit tight for now. I talked with an attorney and she advised me to sit tight, he dosen’t have a job and if I filed he would never get a job, and I would have to pay him child support. I will stay in this holding pattern for now. If I can keep him out of the house. I told him I did not want to live with him . Ever. So For now it’s wait and see. I am very leery of anything to do with family court. It is a fucking nightmare and I want to avoid it .
Monique, I am so glad you have some support from your therapist and Dr. M. Thank goodness not all therapists are clueless. It helps so much to have experts to help us out of the fog and understand the craziness that SAs create.
Sounds like the advice from your attorney feels right to you. You have to pick among the least worst options. Sometime, unfortunately, that is all we have to work with.
Sit tight and let the tincture of time do some work to. You can stop doing some of the heavy lifting and give Monique some slack.
Desiree, The attorney I have talked to is a NM legal aid attorney. I can’t afford my own representation, and all this attorney can do give is advice, they do not and can not represent you in court. I think her advice is good but I am kinda flying by the seat of my pants.
I am having a very restful time with him gone. He went to Phx. on a spiritual retreat for catholic men. The constant tension is gone. While he is there, he cannot have or use his cellphone and has no contact with the outside world except for the priests. So he can’t text me and that has been a stress reliever.
I am worried about the storm when he returns though. I have a feeling that he will come home with a holier than thou attitude. And he will say the same things the priests told me about marriage vows and covenants, and that me asking to stay separate is not honoring my marital obligation. Shit. I have a very bad feeling about it, but for now I am enjoying my peace. But in a way preparing for the storm. I really do hope that this helps and God works a miracle. Maybe open his eyes to attempting REAL recovery and honesty. But, like my therapist said, you can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth right now.
Monique, I wouldn’t normally suggest this book to anyone because it is so over the top “religious”. BUT, since your H loves to beat you over the head with the Bible then I am going to suggest you read it and give it to him.
I read it and the basic premis is about a married man having one affair and the “Bibical” steps to what needs to happen…
The book is spot on about the steps. The guy is hard line on these guys although he is against ending a marriage. He does talk about “permanent separation” and why the Bible says it is a MUST. In your situation, it might be pretty good advice.
Monique, my atty gave me basically the same advice…as long as I am controlling (nominally) the finances, sit tight and see what happens. She has drawn up both separation and divorce papers and can file immediately as soon as I give the word. I’m avoiding the divorce hurricane too…but he keeps creating F2-F3 tornadoes repeatedly that I am tethered to. Great that Dr. M is helping you and is so validating and enlightening. and btw, your SAH has no right to lecture you about honoring marital obligations. You did NOTHING wrong and he dishonored himself and your marriage about as much as he could. End of story.
Thanks Bev that book looks good. I am going to get it for my kindle. 🙂
Arleigh you are absolutely right. I did not violate our marriage vows. He did and he did it knowingly and with forethought. He torpedoed this family. I have done everything I can to fulfill my obligations as a mother and wife and he has shit all over that. Repeatedly. Hang in there Arleigh. I know it is tough just to sit tight, but we have to play the game. Like chess. Stupid fuckers. They better get some skills. Because we already have some. 🙂
The trick mine is using is that I “broke our marriage” 15 years ago and since then there has been no marriage (which he miraculously kept to himself all these years) so whatever he did with whores etc over the last year was inherently excusable. What a fucking twisted mind to come up with shit like that.
Totally irrational. Why don’t they just come out a tell the truth? They must know how stupid they sound…..
I don’t think they do, NAP. And their therapists don’t usually even call them out on it either. I know dr e’s don’t. How can anyone work with addicts and not see through this shit? And if they do, how can they think they can adequately treat them if they let them blameshift and not be accountable for their actions. I start to get that crazy, dizzy feeling when I even start to think about it.
They are pathological liars. They have the ability to snow everybody. Except their spouse. When they can’t snow the spouse anymore they get extremely angry and take it out on the spouse. The spouse needs to have solid boundries or they will get eaten alive. Hold your ground , Monique. This is one of the hardest parts. I remember going through this with my SAH. I went to the movies just about every day! It helped me to detach and get away from him and out of the house. You have aalot of women on this site who understand exactly what you are going through!
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