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I haven’t posted in awhile because my life has been predictable and clam, not to say that this will continue but for the most part the sadness is gone and I am just angry and resentful. Which brings me to my dilemma. My H has been working for months non stop and for several weeks straight leaving at 5am and returning home at 8pm, 7 days a week, he is exhausted when he gets home but still make an effort, cleans up the house spends time with our son for as long as he can stay awake, he is kind loving an attentive to me, and in all respects mimics the man I once loved. He usually falls asleep on our sons bedroom floor letting him climb all over him like a little monkey just to spend time with him even though he’s half asleep. I’ve had a tracker app on him since d-day,8 months ago, so I know he’s been sober. I’ve mentioned before my H has never has any counseling except for some marriage counseling, more like mediation, a few weeks after dday so I wouldnt kill him.. Although I have told him he needs to get help dealing with the molestion as a kids and figure out why he screwed people for 2 years but I have not pushed it. I’m not naive and I know that without help his chances, or our chances, to have a normal manogamist marriage is slim to none but I want the money more than I care about his problem.. I’ve almost paid off all my dept and can start savings soon, this makes me feel more secure about my future for me and my son than any treatment he could ever get right now..plus I’m not sure where I stand yet..So back to my dilemma because my SA has had no counseling or info, that I know of anyway, about sex addiction re: the behaviors, patterns, the lies etc..when I read posts how even in therapy they cheat while claming sobirity I want to tell him what I know. I want to tell him that the issues he’s brought up about me in the past is typical and called gaslighting, that his “reasons”are narsasisitic. that he is not unique he is a sex addict and they are master manipulators.. because he a sex addict. I want to tell him that really the only way to tell if hes sober is poly’s from what Ive learned. I want to tell him all your stories and about my support group, obviously no web name. Should I tell him all this or just keep doing what I’m doing? I am angry.. will this be helpful for us or is this just about me wanting to make him feel as bad as I do? Should I wait it out and let a professional tell him?
Hi Kristen,
I think I understand what you are asking. The status quo right now is tolerable so do we open pandoras box? Do we talk about the pink elephant in the room? Are his long work hrs usual or has he replaced working so much to keep from his previous activities? And how long can he keep working so hard? It sounds like he’s not done any ‘internal work’ for his issues or is working any treatment/recovery plan. I think telling him what you know may sound like Chinese to him. It may help you feel better. When I ‘confronted’ my xh about what I knew and what needed to happen for us to stay married, at first, he was so willing to do ‘whatever it took to save our marriage’ then after a few months he became very angry and rageful, didn’t do what was professionally recommended and started to skip meetings to go have sex. (not with me). When he was confronted about that, he changed the locks and I was kicked out. I was married to him 25 yrs at the time and D day was 8 mo prior. My xh didn’t like the curtain pulled back. He didn’t like learning his altered reality wasn’t real. He wanted both but I knew too much and I didn’t want both. So he chose his penis over me.I just think at some point it has to be addressed and how it all plays out varies marriage to marriage. I personally think he should be doing the talking and doing his own work. It’s hard and I think it’s best to start making a plan and get your ducks in a row beforehand. Its important to make sure you take care of you and your son.
great post NAP.. I am new here ,, a month into it.. but I agree.. get your ducks in line even if you don’t use them and at least with my sah ahole , anytime I mention anything to him even remotely related to it, he is totally abusive to me.. so I am getting my ducks in line and am going from there.. so what if he is nice in the meantime.. fuck him… well, that is my sah.. I would listen to the sisters.. they are wise
Kristen,
My bias is to say don’t bother with the drama. They are much easier to deal with when you let them think they are fooling you, and evidence is easier to get that way. When you start pulling back the curtain, things tend to get ugly. The smart way to leave any abuser is to quietly make your plan and when you can/need to get out, just go (or change the locks).Having said that, I don’t think many of us do that. We want to give them a chance or need to try to fix them for the kids or feel like we should help them or whatever. I stayed for too long bc my son cannot attend school and needs to be homeschooled, and I knew dr. e would try to hurt me financially and I couldn’t work and educate my son. So I tried to keep dr e in therapy and hope things would get better. Anytime I confronted him about anything though, it was pretty awful. I wouldn’t go back now for anything.
kristen, what the girls said. talking can easily get you in the swamp with them. decide what you want in your life. big and small boundaries. decide on the consequences if they are violated. simply tell him the boundaries. no negotiation. no discussion.
then like the sisters said. get your ducks in a row. look after yourself. and watch him from a distance to observe how he behaves. revise your decisions about how far or close you can get to him (generally i would say, from experience, how far) based on what you observe.
their words are faulty and meaingless. their actions, they are more accurate.
I’m a cynic. If he KNOWS you are tracking his phone then how do you KNOW he doesn’t have another one?
Also, you can get around all those tracking apps. I don’t know if your H is or isn’t. I don’t even know of he’s a sex addict or just an asshole that got caught cheating. I don’t truly understand your question but I think you are observing your H’s “good ” behavior and trying to decide if it’s real? Could he be the only SA ever to be “sober” with no therapy? Should you share your knowledge with him?
If that is what you are asking then my answer is “no” to all of the above.
My H works in the oil and gas industry as a well tester his job typically takes him out of town but he tells me he will do anything to avoid going away just becuse he misses us so much who know if thats true .. I think he’s realizing that I can take or leave him at this point and us getting use to him being gone scares him.. He has found a new company that has wells only a few hours away which is why the 5am-8pm. The shifts run 12hours plus drive time, I think the working everyday is for a few different reason. I think he want to make as much money as possible because thats all he has to offer and need to make more than me.., narcasisim… also maybe because he has to be “on” all the time and I think having to that for only a few hours each days is easier for him. He says its because its a new company and he has to prove himself to get on top of the call list..whatever reason it works for me for now…As for having another phone or getting around the app, he’s just not that smart, really! I think he’s geniune for Now.. how long he can sustain that is anyones guess! like I said I care more about him making money than any treatment at this point but although the money helps me work my plan it still pains me to say nothing when he talks about our future as if it’s just back on track. I do worry that if call him out everytime I feel mad he will get angry because it all the time…I feel like I should be testing him or I fooling myself because yes I would love nothing more than to believe he is the exception to the rule. I feel like I am playing a game and I am sick of it.
Bev my H was the one that was screwing men
for 2 years and just add women into he mix a few months befored-day… Im no therapist but pretty sure he qualifies as a sex addict.. OMG my life is so shitty and Im so tired of it all!,,Of course you are angry and resentful. That proves you are sane. You grasp the violation of trust, the contempt for your feelings, the risk to your health, and the fundamental lying.
They rarely grasp it, that’s why they continue merrily along in their lives as if everything is just fine. They don’t care to have the consequences of their actions affect what they want to happen next. So you will likely continue to struggle on your own, and he will demand that you “get over it”. I hope you have a caring trauma therapist. I understand it’s a scary time. Secure a good lawyer and start planning an exit strategy that benefits you and children.
I’m sorry. I very sorry.
Diane.It’s hard because we become part of their facade and we don’t want to be. It’s a dichotomy and creates a lot of internal conflict for ourselves…..it’s just not healthy.
Sorry, he was “smart” enough to fuck men on your watch. He’s “smarter” than you think.
If I have learned anything from this ordeal it is that they are way smarter than you think…..
Yes, they go into sorry mode or whatever. It may last awhile. In the end, they suck. … ( pun intended) …. 🙂
Kristen, it seems like you’re being really sensible and practical in the face of this, which is awesome. Thinking about finances and savings for your son and you. If you’re able to, I would suggest not wasting your time and energy talking to him. My experience is that it can be absolutely crazy-making. I would keep doing what you’re doing, protecting yourself and your son in practical ways, and planning for a possible future without your husband. And if you’re able to find a good therapist for you..if you don’t already have one.. I would definitely do that. xoxo
I was in your shoes. dr ahole ( thanks teri) was doing/saying all the right stuff. He was tracked and was always where he said he would be. What I didn’t know was that he was having sex at work…yes, you read that right. He also would leave his car/phone where he said he was and get into someone elses car to go have sex. Don’t be so sure he isn’t up to anything. These guys are capable of acting as if they are so sorry and doing everything “right”. I found out much later that he was screwing a drug rep for several years and I had no idea. This was after dday, the “Im sorrys, the husband and father of the year.” Stash as much money as you can. Have a plan B ready to go. Trust those who are farther down the line from you. I wish I did. I thought mine was going to be the 5% who got well. It sure seemed that way for a long time. Now I see he has stolen more of my life.
I feel like I have the upper hand if there is one in my situation becuse my H is terrified I will out him, his secret (the men). That might be the only reason he is still with me so that he can keep me close, happy which may ensure my silence. I dont give a shit what the reason, if I’ve learned anything from the sisterhood it’s take care of me, so I am doing just that. 6 more months and I can kick him out if I need to I will have paid all my dept and have some savings, every month after that is just more money in the bank…and Yes I do see a counsiler, she has been so helpfull and needed. She is the one that suggested a time line to compare how I feel about him, my life and the future and if none of this is better by then I may need to make an exit plan. So I’ve used this time to cash grab. This is no way to live I feel like I have it under control and a plan in place and then I have days like today. I just want to scream so loud my neighbors windows smash (not mine I’m too broke) but instead I cry all day. I wish I knew what to do with all this negitive energy.
Sounds to me like you’re doing a pretty good job of channeling that energy by actively protecting yourself financially and creating an exit plan. For the day-to-day pain, I recommend a hobby like some sort of crafting that takes your mind out of the rottenness. I made a lot of nesting dolls and bracelets.
March, I wish I was creatively gifted that way. I just did a lot of jigsaw puzzles and hung them on the walls. One of which lives right over the litter box and I keep finding pieces of it when I scoop the cat poop. All in all, it looks like a nuthouse here now, but it really saved what was left of my sanity, putting those pieces together. xoxo
I cooked. I had a new grill and I grilled every slab of meat known to man. I smoked ribs and pork shoulders for 12 hours… I seared steaks and grilled hamburgers and hotdogs … And everything in between…. I liked being outside 🙂
In my defense, I grilled veggies to go with it….
Kristen…your H works in oil and gas and f–ks other men? I know that world very well and you are correct. If he seems to be on the straight and narrow he is doing it because he is terrified you will out him in his employment. The long hours are so he can avoid the intensity of the home situation and also to avoid any sort of therapy as he ” doesn’t have time”….. Sorry.
So yeah…don’t bother talking to him about anything except his pay check. Keep your feelings to yourself and keep saving money.
Bev—and it was all so conveniently located on the PATIO, where you were kind of living at the time.
My oh my, we all know too much about each other!
Mine stupidly left his cell on the counter thinking I was tracking it. Little did he know then that it was his car that I had GPS installed on and saw he spent 70 mins at the adult book/video store.
Sicko
Hey Kristen, couple of questions for you: How much does he weigh and how far can you throw him? Cause that’s how much you can trust the fucker.
My husband the firefighter/marine was having sex with other men also. I was certain and was told by lawyers “he’ll roll over, he’ll never let this get out”. They were wrong. He did all the “I’m sorry’s” He told me I could have the kids, the house, that the kids and I deserved better than a monster. Fast forward 1 year and I have borrowed close to $12,000 to fight him for custody. Our courts are so backed up that we got a 15 minute hearing to decide temporary support and visitation but our real court date isn’t until October 2014. You are being so smart financially. Keep doing that. I really screwed up there. I was told it would be over soon. And my squirreled away funds are gone. Plan for a long long battle just in case. If it doesn’t happen go to Disney World. And as to the male dominated work force…mine started seeing “passable gurls” (transexuals) on his commute so the guys wouldn’t know. I still don’t believe their reality covers everyone finding out. They literally have to be sitting in handcuffs to have an a-ha moment. Mine still believes I will never let this go to court. Or that I will run out of money to get us there. Squirrel away more than you think you will need and don’t put it in a bank account in your name. You have to disclose all that. I just found out the money my parents gave me to buy Christmas presents is considered income and will be factored in in court.
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