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so early this morning around 5am, one of my kids got sick with the stomach flu, so I was up.. and I saw my SAH’s phone and checked it. I never do that bc he always has it with him or I just don’t.. well, he has these extreme hookup sites on it.. like how to get laid in your city.. I know he is cheating , but just to see it right there makes me so sick.. and I can’t say anything to him bc he will just turn it around on me and/ or abuse me or have a totally stupid, not believable excuse… and we were at a Christmas party with friends,, and he was great.. but the whole time I was thinking if they only knew.. but of course, they can never know bc even if and when we divorce, it is a reflection of me and my family.. me for being so stupid and the whole thing pulls me and my girls down when we don’t deserve it.. I didn’t know.. and I don’t deserve it. .. but I feel like there is nothing I can do except to detach.. even with a PI , he won’t admit it or show remorse,, instead he will somehow make me the bad guy in it to my kids worse hit of all.. and divorce is so scary.. i have been a stay at home mom for all of these years.. and I build my life around him and my girls.. now I am so glad i did that with my girls.. it is embarrassing.. for me.. who wasn’t the guilty party — so now I get to swallow those sites I found.. bc I have certainly learned through all of this that I can’t say a word to him about his secret life.. we were in the city the other day to see the Christmas lights ect.. and we stopped to see his office… with its beautiful views of the city and with beautiful pictures of my girlies and of him and I… it made me sick to my stomach.. how could he throw it all away? and the really sad part about my SAH is that he doesn’t even know he threw it away? in his mind , I think he sincerely believes it is me… OMG.. I cried leaving there.. my girls asked why, why are you crying mommy.. I had to say I was not feeling well.. I know my sah didn’t have any guilt.. I owuld like to know he has some guilt.. wtf? how to get laid in your city.. hookup , extreme dating,black book dating and flirting.. OMG.. I like this site a lot and it has been so helpful to me as far as the abuse goes and taking back the power.. but this site can’t give me back my broken heart .. and it can’t give back to my children what he stole from them.. and it can’t give me a secure and stable future.. one that I deserve.. but I am staying with the site.. I am really and truly devastated.. and today is new year’s eve.. where we go to a neighbor party and I have to pretend,, hey , they guy is great.. and tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday, so for her sake, again, make peace.. anyway, thanks for listening.. and he sleeps peacefully without a worry in the world.. I wish you guys could tell me that he is at least stressed out about his double life or guilty or something.. you know a PI won’t make me feel better.. bc he won’t own up to anything at all .. I want him to feel guilty .. or remorsefull or upset or worried.. OMG and it seems like when I reach out for help, people don’t want to hear it ,,, they want to hear everything is just great..
Oh Girlie, I’m sorry you’re suffering so. I know you feel completely powerless, but Sister, you most assuredly ARE NOT. You DO, however, need to make some MAJOR mental shifts here going forward to get through this. First, you must realize ONCE AND FOR ALL that he is a cheating lying abusing motherfucking piece of shit sociopath – he could give a flying fuck less how you feel or how this abuse is affecting you and the girliewhirlies AND HE’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE – EVER. Next, you must stop believing that ANY of this abuse is a reflection on you or your family. It’s ALL on him, girliewhirlie. Finally, hell yes, divorce is fucking scary. But living with a full-blown sociopath who is destroying your very soul and – make no mistake – will do the exact same fucking thing to those girliewhirlies….. That is a whole other level of terrifying. Time to get dead serious about becoming the Heroine in your own story, girl. We’re here to help, but you’ve got to take the initiative. NOW. Love, Liza
*What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder and stronger.* ~ Game of Thrones
Girlie, I am new at this too. My sah does not think he has a problem either. He is blaming me to feel better about himself. He is living in denial. I choose to live in the light. It takes more strength to stay. I firmly believe that. I am seeing a therapist on my own. Do you have the means and ability to see one? My work with my therapist helped me see that this is my husbands issue. It is no reflection on me or my abilities as a wife. Why are you keeping his secret? You need support from a friend you can trust with this. Seeing their face as you tell the story of your life with your sah will help you see that this is not your fault. I found so much support from my friends and family. In the end, only you know what has to happen for you to be happy. It looks scary right now, I know. You seem to be internalizing his issue and making it yours. It’s not your personal issue. You would and did not choose this life for you and your family. He did. As much as this sucks, it’s all about him. Protect yourself, even if that means saving one dollar a day. A “I’m leaving him fund” helps me know that I am taking baby steps daily to help myself out of this shit storm he dropped in my lap. Focus on you. You deserve your love and focus. You are the most important right now. I am here too and dealing with similar issues. It just sucks. Can you be ill tonight and cancel the party? I’m planning on a hot bubble bath and a book tonight. I send hugs I know this sucks.
G, you can’t make your decisions based on how HE will respond! Please stop waiting for his validation…confession…remorse. What he does and how he feels is UTTERLY beside the point.
YOUVE got to believe in YOU–in your own value, in the children you have devoted yourself to, in your goodness and theirs. Why are you allowing that lying, cheating pervert to define who you are? Why beg for his stamp of approval?
No, this site can’t give you back those things he has stolen. We can’t give you the future you invested in, counted on. But we can walk beside you as you take control of what’s left of your life. And take control you must.
thanks march and Liza and lost in the hollows.. take control how? if he can, he will take these kids from me if I tell anyone about his secret.. and where are we to go..? to a shelter? that is unacceptable.. and if I cry today, he will make me look like the depressed crazy mom.. HOW COULD HE GO ON THOSE WEBSITES? I wish there was justice in this .. somewhere.. my family was my pride.. well, my girlies still are.. I wish he would have to serve justice.. omg.. how could he? I feel stupid , so stupid and hurt — and I just don’t know what I am supposed to do.. I know you say PI , lawyer.. how about today, minute to minute.. really, I don’t want to give his phone back .. or put it back… a new year’s kiss.. oMG>. no fing way.. Liza, I wish you could tell him to go f himself.. anyway, not a good day here.. sorry I looked on his phone.. he has acted nicer to me during this holiday.. but look waht I found on his phone.. and showing us off to the people in his work. it made me SICK. it really did.. I will never trust anyone again.. EVER.. forget true love or anything like that.. it would be better if he was an alcoholic. or something like that. but this hurt.. this hurt is far worse.. and I can’t tell people.. even my sister now says to just try and hang in there, that she can’t really have me there.. so wtf? I am stuck with this ahole .. how can he look at our girlies and do what he does? OMG.. you know when I got a therapist , it was for them.. with the help of this site. but for them.. I do feel completely lost .. even my sister just wants to hear that everythign will be okay.. he is going to rip apart these children’s lives one way or another.. he started by ripping me apart and if we divorce more.. omg.. what intiative? and how can he not care.. he has been married to me for 17 years. how? and why doesn’t he get caught at work or why don’t others know or suspect this of him? surely, if he home life is this much of a mess, so is his work ? I just feel like if he got caught from someone else it would help me instead of having me be the one to go after this monster.. bc if I do, he will destroy me and when he destroys me, my girlies will fall.. and he will seek to destroy me make no mistake about that.. and then my girls will be left with him and a mom who is a mess.. I know you guys say it has to be me.. but I can’t confront him.. he will DESTROY what is left of my sanity.. and then he will start with these children.. he already gets insane when my Bridget – 14 disagrees with anything he says.. just insane..
Well, you can start by taking photos of those hook up sites on his phone and getting any other evidence you can. Get a PI. Get info so you can destroy him back. And start putting away some money. Get the account numbers for everything. Get passwords and user names. See an attorney.
I know it’s scary, believe me, I get that. Start empowering yourself step by step.
how about today.. just today, should I ask him about those sites on his phone ? or just take pictures of them?
Take photos of them. Do not say a word. The less you say, the more likely he is to leave evidence around- the less careful he will be.
Don’t say a fucking word. Just take the pics. Even better, take the phone. Tell him you have no idea where it is. Give it to a trusted friend to hold. It has more evidence than you think on it. Trust me girlie, it’s tough, but your girls future is in your hands. This is a fucking fight for your life. It is war, and as Bev’ brother so wisely said ”stop thinking lIke a girl” . Get smart,get prepared and do not spend any more precious mental energy on him. Switch your tactic whirled. You must. Your sanity does not lie in his insanity. Your sanity lies in you! Get tough, this is a long and painful road, but we have each other to shore ourselves up and push us forward.
If it all seems like too much, just remember how to eat an elephant. One bite at a time. 🙂
OK I am so glad you posted this. I feel like I am in a very similar place. I think you should take pics of the sites/ conversations and send to your phone.
I had an initial discovery 2 years ago and promised him if I ever found out he did again He would be out. AND he is. I must say I probably should of prepared instead but I couldn’t have him in the house w/ me when I knew. So I kicked his ass out about 15 min after I found. I was empowered for a moment and then the excruciating pain started.
So, my advice is if you can’t take it kick him out, but get ready for the pain. He will not be remorseful. He will not care about you. He will try to get you back for about a week and then when he gets you are not just letting him back in he will get evil.
If you can’t kick him out—- secretly tuck away money, find an attorney, get evidence.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am completely lost and very sad. I cry a lot. You see when you are with them you have some pain but are avoiding the deep pain that comes from the finality of it being once and for all over. Read the book Betrayal Bonds. It is very enlightening. It is helping me. (I am still a sad blubbering mess, but it explains the bond we have with these sick people and why it is so hard to get rid of them).
Sending my support and belief in you. We will both get through it. Believe in yourself. You are a strong women and can live a wonderful life without this person even if you have to start over. You deserve better.
Girlie, DO NOT tell him what you know! Do you still have access to the phone? If so, take pictures of all of the websites. Better yet, hide the fucking phone – get it out of the house pronto – somewhere he won’t find it. As soon as you can, get a safe deposit box at a bank – not your current bank, but one close enough to where you live so you can easily stash $, proof, important documents, etc. (in case he’s tracking your movements, I suggest a bank within walking distance of where you park to grocery shop, etc.) OK, so I got a bit ahead of myself…. I know it’s New Year’s Eve and you have a party etc. to get through. Girl, tonight you’re going to give an Oscar-worthy performance. Get all dolled up, act like you’ve NEVER been happier, tell him that you know 2014 is going to be a New Start for Your Marriage! Your Best Year Ever! And when it’s time for that midnight kiss, pretend he’s George Clooney. (Oh wait, that’s all advice for ME 🙂 ) Let the mfpos think all’s back to ‘normal’, then get to work on getting the fuck out of dodge. It’s not going to be easy, but it CAN be fun. I know of what I speak. 😈
GW, you should print out Liza’s post and read it daily. You have GOT to unstick yourself from this mental trap you’ve created for yourself. Your H is not going to change. He’s not going to feel bad for you or your girls. He is quite simply incapable of feeling what you want him to feel. He has no conscience and no matter how much or often you wish it, he can’t grow one. And you can not afford to sit around hoping he gets caught somehow by somebody. You don’t have to “go after this monster.” In fact, you shouldn’t. You DO need to quietly start planning for a safe and happy life for you and your girls without him because the reality is, you and your girls will never be safe and never be happy with him. Any number of us have said this to you but I think you need to hear it again. Everything you say about him and his behavior SCREAMS abuse of you AND. YOUR. DAUGHTERS. Look at what you’ve said about Bridget – you can’t say something nice about her without him getting angry because you’re not saying it about him. She can’t disagree with anything he says because it makes him insane. Can you not see how abusive that is towards your poor girl? Do you really want her to grow up watching you tolerating that and more and thinking that is what marriage is? You said you are worried that he will start on the children but GW, he ALREADY HAS!! Sitting around saying “WTF, WTF, WTF” over and over and wondering how this happened will not help your daughters one bit. Don’t worry about how it happened just accept that it did and figure out a way to protect yourself and your girls.
At some point, for each of us, the writing is on the wall. The hard cold reality of the situation. We will spend time moving the words around or rewriting it in our own words but the writing on the wall is still the same the reality is the same.
Once we accept this reality, even though we hate it, we can start to move forward. Taking action steps towards a better future. They can be tiny steps, they dont have to be big ones. By doing this we put ourselves and our kids first. We have control of our own lives. We become the kite, not the tail of someone elses kite. You take your power back and realize you have to follow your values and integrity and not compromise them to someone who figuratively ‘spits in our face’.
Do not tell him anything. Make a plan and start acting on it one step at a time. Life with these men gets worse with time not better. Believe in yourself, we are stronger than we know.
~Nap“At some point, for each of us, the writing is on the wall. The hard cold reality of the situation. We will spend time moving the words around or rewriting it in our own words but the writing on the wall is still the same the reality is the same.”
Brilliant post, NAP.
thanks.. I am reading and rereading when I can between taking care of sick kiddos.. I guess the more I discover, the more in shock that I go.. I have the phone.. and am going to hide it in the house right now.. and will go out later to hide it.. I tried taking pictures of the websites.. but the glare from the flash or the phone screen makes it not work.. so I am just keeping the phone.. he will flip out when he finds it missing.. too bad.. he has all kinds of sites on there where to get laid in your city? omg.. who thinks like this.. I am not sitting around.. I am trying my best.. and am in shock… I am posting and that is huge… and I believe you guys .. it just is so unbelievable.. who would even have time for those sites.? I will post again. keep the advice coming.. I sure do need it .. over and over again.. the sites were hidden under favorites on his phone.. I thought it might be pictures of the girlies or me.. hahahahahaha.. no, no, no.. how stupid am I just plain stupid
My god, don’t these men put us in such intolerable situations. My head is screaming to you and me “SAVE YOURSELF”. No one else will be able to. Take baby steps, make a concerted plan. It would be best to not tip your hand to the evidence you are collecting. Do you live in an at fault divorce State? Is that why you need evidence? You know in your heart what is going on. You know in your heart that his issues are well beyond anything you could ever “fix” in him. You need to keep your sanity. Can you maybe turn this into a game in your head? He is a narcissist and a sex addict, he has learned how to manipulate you. You need to do something he would not expect and protect yourself. I am trying to turn it into a mind game. I need to mind fuck the mind fucker. I will say, I don’t like playing these shitty games, but I need to protect myself and kids. You have lived with him for 17 years, you know his weaknesses. Do what you have to do to accumulate money to leave this piece of shit. Your kids will thank you later. It’s going to be a tough road either way, you may as well do what you can to come out winning. He will get his, karma has a way of biting people. Protect yourself, so you can protect your kids. Thank you for starting this topic, I am living the same thing right now and I know how incredibly painful and difficult this is.
If you keep that phone, it CANNOT be so that he can find it, or worm it out of you and you have a big scene. If you keep that phone it is because you are standing up for yourself and your children and YOu must be prepared to tell him you don’t have it and you don’t know where it is. So it better be on mute.
too late .. it wasn’t on mute and he rang it and got it and off he went.. so me, stupid again.. and only proves to me that there is no winning at this.. he wins every time.. I have to think like a cheater , liar myslef.. I have to change who I am to be up against him.. yeah, I want to stand up for myself and kids.. but in the meantime, I am not thinking like hey, I better turn it to mute.. he wins , he always does and always will.. now he gets his phone, his porn , his prostitutes. all of it.. and to abuse and blame it all on me.. who knows if he wondered why I had it in my drawer.. , stupid .. all of it…. this is terrible…. it just is – next time, and I am sure there will be a next time I will be more of a liar and decietful.. ugh
He didn’t win anything. So you forgot to mute the phone. You’ll remember next time. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and running yourself down and pull up your big girl panties. He’s mean enough to you for ten bullies – you don’t have to be mean to yourself too. We all have our pity party moments but they should be moments not a lifestyle!
OK First of all we all get the shock which is intense. Yes they do go on the sites and look to get laid. It shocks me every time. It is disgusting. Adultfriend finder, ashley madison, the best is craigslist casual encounters. I got to see a pic of my husbands penis on there. What a date getter.
If you are like me you feel like a fool. But we are not fools. We are “normal” caring wives who had no idea this type of life existed and why would we. Now you know. You know about this crazy sick world and worse yet your husband is in the middle of it. The man who was suppose to cherish you, doesn’t and is throwing it all away to get laid.
You are not the sick one. You are normal and he is fucked up. Do not think any of this. Anything you did or said turned him into this. THis is all HIM. You have nothing to do with it.
Keep strong and I am so sorry. Ignorance in a way is bliss. But now you know.
Girlie: don’t waste time beating yourself up with would a should coulda’s! You were targeted and groomed to behave the way he wanted you to react and to believe that “he always wins.” He is a Master Manipulator, but his addiction makes him weak and vulnerable. Wait a few weeks and then set your alarm to wake up at 5am. Find his phone. REMOVE THE BATTERY or TURN IT OFF so he can’t trace it. Hide it in a box of tampons until you can get it out of the house. Then sit back and enjoy the Withdrawal Show. Present it to your Attorney when you are ready to file. Start slowly, at your own pace, to make copies of important documents (tax returns, life insurance beneficiary page, retirement accounts, pay stubs) Stock pile cash one $20 at a time. You need to prepare for the war ahead, and feel as ready/strong as possible. When you are ready to file, stop sleeping with him, refuse to sleep with him, call the police if he tries to rape you and then wait for him to file, if he doesnt–file yourself and remember you have to labor in order to be born into your new safe sane SA free life! Keep posting and keep reading. These SOS women know their shit and you CAN trust them!!!!
thanks again, I know i can trust them… and believe me I know about pulling myself up by my big girl panties.. I know you guys know what you are talking about.. but for sure, I am stronger than you think.. I continue to come back to this site despite really being seen as a doormat stupid pity party woman who is unable to deal with this.. again, I am trying my best.. but it is not good enough against this monster.. is not
GW you are not a stupid doormat pity party woman. All your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are absolutely normal given your situation. Each day you will get stronger and smarter. Believe in yourself. Love yourself and your children and play the loving, trusting wife game until such time you have collected sufficient evidence and you are ready to leave. Xx
Hey GirlieWhirlie, cut yourself some slack. Fuck knows there’s a damn steep learning curve dealing with these dickwads. The thing is, you didn’t sign up for this shit, you had no idea when you said ‘I Do’ that someday you’d have to go all undercover on his skanky ass in order to protect yourself and the girliewhirlies. So that’s the bad news. The good news? That motherfucker is going down. Mark my words, in the end, he’ll rue the day he messed with one of our own. By God, we got this.
“Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.” ~ Fight Club
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