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so, last night my sah came home and told me that he was not a SA and that I was a fing skank for thinking so since I found his porn , torn shorts.. an fing skank and that if I get at STD he will know that his skank of a wife was sleeping with other men and gave him a STD.. and when I was stupid and said odn’t call me that,, he said it is consequences for my actions… so just some support needed.. of course, I know I am not a skank.. but it is very hard to hear .. you know.. ? and we are snowed in with 12 inches of snow. that is why he is home from work… I am trying hard.. and I eventually walked away.. but very hard to hear.. I am trying to ignore it. it is not that I think that aboutmyself.. I can’t believe he would call me that.. I was not a doormat on this.. it happened quickly.. he said he was going to tell everyone how I was sleeping around…. OMG… so what he said definitely hit buttons… and I don’t know where it came from.. he just lost it.. and he continued this morning … he said how does it feel to be called an fing skank.. I hope it hurts.. my kids went upstairs.. but they all told me that they heard him.. anyway, don’t send any personal e-mails… but give me some support here.. trying my best and as always , we are snowed in here.. so it is not like I can pack the kids up and drive to my sisters.. we will sled later .. but OMG.. I guess continue just acting like there is nothign wrong and I believe him and gathering evidence? it is so hard to do… you know I wear my heart on my sleeve .. so very hard.. does anyone live near me who can give me a hug or meet me? I live in NJ.. I am really fun and nice… just looking for reassurance… I am growing stronger, but today was a slip up bc when he called me that, it just broke me into pieces.. silly it should not have.. thanks everyone for the continued support… don’t know what I would do without you guys..
He’s projecting, G. It’s classic. He’s probably actually having symptoms of an std and making a preemptive strike.
Stop listening to that crazy motherfucker.
Get a digital recorder and start documenting the verbal abuse.
I feel bad for you, but I feel worse for your girls, having to hear him do that to you.
You are absolutely not a skank or crazy. They all have the same damn lines and tactics. When I told my asshole I was getting tested for stds he said if I had any it was cuz I was fucking around not him. When I asked for a polygraph he said he would if I took one too. Whatever they can do to shift the blame. Hold your ground and ignore his abuse. He’s the crazy one.
Yep, motherfucker’s definitely got a STD. Or thinks he does. Ignore him as best you can – and start recording the verbal abuse as soon as possible. (You can download a recording app to your phone for free.) And I think it’s about time for a little itching powder in his chonies. 😈
GW, it is classic playbook indeed. last March I found papers in wormtongue’s folder at home showing he had been tested at the city public health clinic for the full panel of STDs including syphilis, gonorrhea, and even AIDS. He had never told me about this, and instead lied and said he had gone to our regular doctor for a “rash” he was concerned about. When I showed him the papers and asked him why he got tested and why he lied, he said he went there because he thought I had given him a disease, or that the “disease” I “gave him 26 years ago” had somehow come back. I was speechless. He also said the fact that he had lied to me showed that our marriage was truly over because he couldn’t trust me enough to confide in me and tell the truth, and because I would unjustly accuse him of screwing hookers. I was spinning in agony by then.
Hey girlie, this will make the motherfucker cut his OWN underwear off:
http://www.spygadgets.com/special-ingredients-hellfire-brimstone/
GW, Try to play the silent sam game. He talks and you walks away. Silently. Do not engage. Act as though he is invisible. He wants you to get defensive and fight back. Don’t. If he continues to verbally abuse you, call 911 and ask for help. Tell them your husband is being verbally abusive and you are afraid he will escalate into violence. Tell him you are afraid for you and the girlies. When they come, they will make him leave. Take the paperwork they give you and file a restraining order asap. Don’t be a chicken like me and back out. DO IT. He is ABUSING YOU AND YOUR GIRLS . PERIOD. Stay strong GW. He is having a temper tantrum because he knows he has been found out. Tough shit for him ain’t it? Be tough and don’t allow him to verbally abuse you. CALL 911. Get help to get him gone. You know the truth. He is a cheating, lying POS. I agree with the sisters that he probably thinks HE has an STD and is already trying to turn it on you. Fuck that.
Hang in there. You can do it.
Hugs
Moniquethanks everyone.. he told me that he I am putting him through hell — he clearly hates women and is such a bad, bad example for my kids.. omg.. should I tell my sister that I found the hooker hook up sites on his phone? he also raged about me when I said how could you call me that.. he said I was bringing that into his house and that everyone except me gives him the benefit of the doubt.. everyone.. I don’t understand why no one else suspects a thing.. and that I should give him the benefit of the doubt.. when is that ? after he calls me an fing skank? he said I deserve it.. who says that? I know i have the power.. but it is so hard
Okay, it’s time to call a helpline for women. Verbal abuse and threats is domestic abuse. This is not an isolated episode. This is his pattern and intent. This is why you have struggle so much with each step—you are an abused woman (as most of us are) and he keeps you disempowered, fearful, and with no self-worth. It’s time.
YOu call a helpline for women, and you talk the person on the phone, telling them what he does to you, what he says to you, what you know about his activities and can prove, your fears for yourself and your children. Ask how you can protect yourself, and where you can go if you are afraid, how to work with police to ensure your safety, etc.
I understand you may not want to understand your position this way, but this is what is happening. He is abusing you with bullying, constant insults, threats, and blame. Your children are affected and being damaged every day they see you victimized and seemingly without power.
You will find that when children are vulnerable, we become very focussed about what you must do, if not for yourself, then for them. You are teaching them that it is okay to let someone treat you this way. He is teaching that he can get a way with it. If this was happening to one of your girlies, what would you tell her? what you do? how would you put a stop to it? You must break this cycle now. CAll the helpline.
GW, mine said that too – it was my problem because I was assuming guilt not innocence, and nobody else “looked” to find him guilty like I did. It’s all smoke and mirrors…an alternate reality he’s projecting on you to take the focus off him and his behaviors. I agree, call the helpline. This is psychological warfare he’s doing on you and it is abuse, pure and simple.
GW – I agree with Diane and deleted user.
Pick one – 911 or a domestic violence hotline. Even if you don’t do anything today, which I wish you would, they can help.
I say this from experience. One call – and, my life changed step by step forever. I am abuse free because of that one call.
They won’t make you do anything. But, they are experts and will be another source of support.
Pick up the phone, when you have privacy, and call for help. Please, do it today.
I will call, but us living in a shelter can’t be a better solution than this.. that doesn’t seem fair for my girls.. he is a real monster.. so I will call for advice,, but I don’t see me getting out of this situation anytime soon.. I think I have to gather evidence and talk to an attorney,, then be ready emotionally, for him to smear my name all over the place and then take the girls from me.. and wo my girls, I will be devastated.. and he will do it .. not bc he wants them but bc he knows that it will devastate me.. and you know how usually you can tell that someone is just not right.. how come people don’t seem to know that about him? why ? I swear if I have an std, he will say I slept around and tell his attorney that.. I don’t have any evidence.. none.. I have verbal abuse written down that he did .. but nothing about the porn or the hookers. I just have pictures of the websites.. that is it-and after today, I see he would say I did that to him.. he told me today that I am framing him with all of this stuff and bringing shame to our family name .. that it is all me.. I will call, but I don’t see how it will help.. me living in a shelter,, he would LOVE that .. absolutely LOVE it.. and then he would take my girls from me.. he is a mean SOB and there will be no stopping him if he gets any idea about me leaving. he will take the girls. I have no evidence. none.. I feel like I have been beat up and silenced bc there truly is no way out of this. there just isn’t .. I love what everyone posts.. but you know I just think there is no way out of it.. he can spiral , fuck hookers.. bring me a std,, and then turn and blame it on me and say I am framing him and who knows what people will believe.. and I have no career.. he will just go to work and everyone loves him.. and he will take the girls. I know he will.. so it is not a cut and dry and leaving him or moving his keys.. he wil go after me by taking my kids.. he finally left a little while ago,, but didn’t stop all day.. telling me I am framing him and i am a skank and how do I think he feels being labeled a SA by his wife.. and on and on.. but he finally left .. I guess to go screw whomever he pleases.. wo any reprecussions .. the power doesn’t lie within me on this.. it is an impossible situation. my sister doesn’t even want to help.. she just wants to know everything is honkey dorie.. I know he is cheating.. but he will never, ever admit it no matter what evidence I gather.. and I am quite sure that if I do see a lawyer and file, that he will go right after me by taking custody of the kids.. quite sure.. thanks for the posts.. a safe place.. take my kids and myself to a shelter.. one of whom is autistic and doesn’t like change.. no, that won’t work. .. he is a monster..
Hearing you, GW. When you call, tell the expert exactly what your concerns are. No one will make you do anything. You know your situation best, they will understand that.
If you call and tell them what he is up to it will be on their record.
You may know I just did this with my brother. He turned his home, that I own for his benefit and his alone to transient drug users and probably dealers. Their lies to the police? I evicted disabled people who are now so scared they can’t dome back. I will sell his house,and steal his money. That I am stealing their stuff. The police,questioned me on all this. I just calmly answered the questions honestly.
That is all you have to do. Please understand that the pattern of behavior he has is normal for an abuser. He will not be successful in this.
You can fool some of the people all of the time but not all of the people all of the time.
He is purposely brainwashing you by using fear tactics. It is working and it is called ABUSE.
Remember no one but you will decide what you do next.
Has he ever hit you? Pushed you? Threatened you with a knife or gun? Does he have weapons? You haven’t talked about any of this that I know of. Since he is escalating, these may be life saving questions and considerations.
With you. Pace yourself but please call.
Girlie, here’s a website that should allay some of your concerns:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
GW,
I’m very sorry for your situation and all the classic projection as March mention he is doing to you. I think you are putting much
emphasis on him and then reacting to what he does or doesn’t do. I would suggest you be more proactive and base your actions on what needs to be done rather than what he ‘may or may not do’. Otherwise you can only expect more of the same and it will most likely become worse.Thanks Liza and NAP.. and everyone.. but what do I need to do? gather evidence , see an attorney , hire a PI.. at least then I know what my legal rights are.. he told me that no one would believe me .. that they would all believe him bc he is a great guy! a great guy? calls his wife an fing skank? screws hookers.. goes ballistic at any mention of me hinting that there might be a problem.. oh thanks.. I have been getting stronger.. but then this.. well, first I find the hooker sites,, and I take pictures of them.. and plan on letting that go,, then he just starts at me.. he is a mean, vile sob.. and I don’t understand why he doesn’t get stopped by anyone at all .. and believe me, he is not going to give a shit if I leave him, he will love it. he gets the kids the house , has the job.. I get a STD , stomach aches, called nasty names.. and he comes out smelling like a rose.. no prob.. someone told me if I leave the house, then I lose the house and kids.. so that is not an option.. no , he has never been physically abusive.. but when he called me an fing skank, it was an all time low for me and really hideous.. so hideous.. bc he is the SKANK.. not me.. I want him arrested.. I do so much..
Yes, it is unthinkably horrible. Call the women’s abuse or general crisis number for guidance. They can answer some of your legal questions and quite you on each step.
The women’s domestic abuse worker may arrange for ongoing contact to help you take each step.
You have evidence. More is better. He is wearing you down to immobilize you in fear. That needs to stop so you can think clearly. Meaning, you have to realize that he does not have the power over you.
Call?
G, you’ve got to stop spinning in circles. Ground yourself, center. No one is saying you should take your kids to a shelter!
You keep going straight into catastrophic thinking. We’re saying to call a help line to get support, to see what advice they have for steps you need to take to protect yourself.
By equating ‘calling hotline’ with ‘moving into shelter’ you avoid taking any action.
thanks MARCH.. I AM JUST scared and upset and in shock again.. I appreciate it everybody.. I want to get more evidence.. and if I can ground myself and call the shelter and get help for myself.. then I can steady up and get more evidence.. he goes back to work monday.. and I don’t think we are expecting snow, and the more time Ihave away from him, the better off my thinking is.. so thanks for helping me.. I will call.. is there an image / thought I can put in my mind if he starts up again between now and Monday.. ? like just think he is a pig or a jerk with a tin hat on.. aand if he is like this to me, how come it doesnt’ come across to anyone else? because they don’t threaten his secret skank life.. it is so unprovoked and so vile.. and I walk away and he follows me.. and just keeps i tcoming about what a nice guy he is. it would be such a relief to be rid of him .. really .. I am a happy person in general and i love being a mom.. if I could just figure out how to get from point A to point B with a plan, I would feel better that included me being the primary caregiver of the kids.. he texted me he loves me a few minutes ago.. YUKKKKK .. probably between fucking a hooker and jerking off to porn.. yukkk
GW,
I think you are reacting out of your emotions (understandably so) and the best way to look at yourself and your situation is to step back and take a rational assessment of your situation. You can do it. If we only ‘react’ out of emotion we spin our wheels and don’t get anywhere. By thinking and ‘responding’ more out of facts and grounded in reality you’ll be able to see and do more clearly. Don’t let him ‘get to you’ by what he says and does. Take a task and break it down into steps and always think “what is best for my girls and me”. Say that to yourself in each time your confronted with an obstacle. You can do this GW : )
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