Dr. M offers training in his model

THANK YOU, Diane – I was worried that I was the only one wondering whether Barbara Steffens had gone over to the Dark Side. 😈

Yes it looks like they have split off from the APTAS group – I am liking that!

I wish I’d held out and not spent the money on APSATS training.

I’ll donate to your training. Set up a fund. Every nickel counts …

May not get you there today but it would eventually … Maybe Doc M would give you a discount if all the sisters that had spent money at ISH sent him an email??

Where there is a will there is way 🙂

I printed out the article on his course for professionals and gave it to me therapist to read today. She was very grateful because there is so little out there to help them deal with these types of situations. They see these problems with trauma in women quite often. She thanked me for letting her know. Thanks for posting this, Diane!

From what I heard this week I really think the May training for professionals is going to be very worthwhile….

Can we clone Dr Omar?

I would love Omar clones. Do you watch Orphan Black, Teri?

No, I”ve seen ads for it. Is it any good, Victoria? I heard it got good reviews.

Currently, we are watching Arrow, Supernatural, Torchwood, and Battlestar Galactica. So Orphan Black would fit right in, I think.

When I first found Dr. Minwalla’s site and read his postings on Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (a little more than one year ago), I was SOOOOO relieved because he is the only one who completely matched my feelings/experience. He has now written even more directly about sex addicts as perpetrators, and I felt that FINALLY the full truth is out.
My SA did attend his intensive for addicts; I was very hopeful that after nearly TWO YEARS since he first told me about his marriage-long sexual infidelity (16 years), there would be enough grounding, and understanding, to at the very least provide some final healing.
Dr. Minwalla was excellent; he spoke to me a long time both before and after my SA attended. He listened carefully, asked many questions, was very respectful and supportive. Following the intensive, he talked to me at length about their evaluations, diagnosis, recommendations, etc. NO ONE has been this helpful.
BUT, he strongly advised that my SA go to another center for longer-term residential treatment, further stabilization, and focus on personality disorder.

I agreed to support my SA re: attending Minwalla’s recommended facility. We are now pretty much BROKE after all my husband’s financial mismanagement, therapists, intensives, and his missed work (consultant: paid only when he has a project).
Note: TWO YEARS, no therapeutic/clinical disclosure, eight previous therapists, three “intensives,” relentless cycles of acting out and passionate affairs, erratic behaviors, threats, (he does NOT any longer live in the house), I have NO HOPE OR EXPECTATION for any future, but to have closure and a divorce that protects my few assets, I have carefully stepped to this point. Because my SA agreed to attend Dr. Minwalla’s intensive, I had hoped that I would have an opportunity to get some information I really need to put my “neurology” back in place, AND I hoped to have some sessions that included my son who has wanted my SA to provide a “therapy-supported” explanation and apology. Because Dr. Minwalla is so clear, supportive, honest, direct, I thought we could get there.

BUT, Dr. Minwalla recommended a particular residential treatment center in Pennsylvania, and I have been absolutely horrified by the entire experience! WE have paid CASH for this treatment, and I would like to sit down and cry and cry for the waste of money.

Over the past two years, my SA would begin therapy, would report good rapport with the therapist, and then, shortly, would become confrontational, arrogant, blaming – AT first, I was very confused. It took me some time to figure out what was happening, partly, I guess, because he had spent so many years creating a fog around us that everything was confusing. I realized, though, that with each therapist, he was telling about the same story, and as such the therapist was essentially helping him “detach” from me!
I now call it his “seduction story,” and most everyone buys it. I am sure that he used a similar version over the 16 years of marriage, and women LOVE the sad, poor nice guy with the bitch wife story so much, that they immediately want to give him anything he wants, and want to love him and let him f$%## them to prove that they are a much better woman than his (fictional-version) WIFE.
HE has been telling his therapists a similar story:
“I feel so bad, it just kills me. I know it’s all my fault. I was a jerk, and I hurt her so badly. I would do anything to take back all the lousy things that I did, anything. I love her more than anything. Now, though, she is just too
a. traumatized
b. broken
c. angry
d. unwilling to heal
e. unwilling to work with me

and I just can’t take her bitterness and blame anymore. I try to help, I try to listen, but after listening to her berate me and tell me everything that is wrong with me hour after hour, I just can’t handle it. I am getting well, and I wish that she would, too. But, I just can’t handle it.”

He has such a sincere, sad, face. And each of them then begins to help him “detach” and move on.

Of course, Dr. Minwalla never bought the story, and he was the first one who did not buy the story. He immediately knew the scam, and got him to focus on “what are you doing to cause trauma?”

My SA went to the residential center recommended by Dr. Minwalla, and the first ten days were “blackout” – no phone, no communication, etc. I was fine with this arrangement. Calm. Peacefulness. And, Dr. Minwalla was overseeing the transition.
At the end of ten days, my SA called, and the second thing he said was: “It’s great here! ALL of my therapists are female! Because I am so misogynist, they gave me ALL WOMEN to help me learn how to be more respectful of women.”
NOPE. My stomach knotted. I knew by the tone of his voice that he was gloating, and he was having a good time. He was smug, contemptuous, and cavalier.

I had spoken with two of the therapists BEFORE the “blackout” period, and I had no concerns–the fact that they were female was NOT an issue for me.

AFTER the phone call from my SA, although I assumed the therapists were well trained, would know the signs, I still decided to just give each one a quick call and note the point. I have had other family members in residential treatment for alcoholism and a daughter with a brain injury in many programs, and our standard operating procedure was ALWAYS to provide information, short, just FYI’s, in case the information became important as some point–AND, the therapists and staff ALWAYS gave me calls, too, with little pieces of information. AS such, we kept good communication.

When I called the first therapist, though, she was smug about it, or sounded smug to me. She said, “oh we’re experienced, we’ve pretty much seen it all. Some of the guys get triggered by us, but we work through that.”
I asked how my SA was doing, a short “status” report, and she quickly informed me that she was his PRIVATE therapist, and all information was confidential.
OKAY. I understand, but surely status reports, progress toward goals can be reported. Then I realized, WHERE IS HIS TREATMENT PLAN? Oh, that’s private. Not given out, UNLESS the partner calls and requests a meeting.
[No one told me!]
I asked a second time, “how is he doing?” She then told me that he was struggling with issues from our “long, painful relationship.”
WHAT?
HE was struggling with issues from our painful relationship?
“HOW is he struggling? The first 16 years appeared to be a great marriage. I am sure you are not referring to that time – the past two years has been painful, BECAUSE HE WAS ABUSING ME. SO, is he focused on his abuse of me?”
‘NO,” she said, ” really on his anger, and he has a lot of pain from the relationship.”
WHAT?

Because my SA had engaged in some sexual AND personally abusive behaviors with me, I wanted this addressed IF I was going to have any dialogue at all with him while he was at this center. Dr. Minwalla had set this issue as top priority. So, I asked this therapist IF my SA was going to soon begin addressing those issues. She said she didn’t know, “probably not.”

Every alarm in my being went off. Every cell in my body jumped and shrieked in ALARM.

He was playing her. She didn’t know it.

I told her that if he is NOT addressing his aggression, that it was NOT SAFE for me to stay involved, that I would not want to be in the “loop” of information, that I was going to leave.
She suggested that I ask the other therapist, “in case she has a different viewpoint.”
Don’t they work as a care team? Why am I supposed to be dogging down different staff members for various opinions.
Where is the treatment plan? I was supposed to call this other therapist and set up a meeting to review it.
WHY doesn’t the ADDICT set up that meeting? WHY wasn’t I included in the development of the plan? WHY wasn’t the ADDICT working to include me, to provide updates, information, for assurance that he was focused and committed?
NO! The partner is expected to make those calls. The ADDICT does not – AND, when I did NOT know that I was supposed to make the calls, I was treated as if I was to blame for not getting information.

I sent messages to the other therapists, the clinical director, and I TOLD my SA 4 times by telephone that I needed confirmation that focus on violence against me was going to be addressed or I would NOT be able to attend the sessions I had requested to discuss violence and BOUNDARIES, I was told that the information was part of his “PRIVATE THERAPY.”
When I asked my SA, he said, “What violence?”
When I reminded him that Dr. Minwalla had said that it needed to be a key focus, he said, “well, I will deal with it with Dr. Minwalla, then.”

I withdrew. Furious. Of course, now I fit the profile my SA has painted: angry, traumatized, “unwilling.”
The director encouraged me to have a telephone meeting with the family therapist and my SA, and I did, and it went well. BUT, I realized, this is INSANE. The end of week 3 out of 4, and he intends to return, and thinks that NOW we have some agreement to work together.
I quickly sent notice to the staff that NOTHING had been done re: my request for information, and for my request for meeting for establishing clear boundaries/communication, etc.
The response was that NOW HE HAD DEALT WITH THE ISSUE, AND WAS READY TO TALK ABOUT IT.
That they could not tell me before, because it does not fit their process.
Here’s the part that ended everything for me:
I was on the phone with my SA. He told me that he had struggled very hard to work through all of the pain he had caused me and many others. That it had been very hard. He had done many terrible things, he now realized. “But,” he said, “the staff here is just great. They are so supportive. They made it so much easier to work through it. They are awesome.”
“That’s great,” I said, but felt very annoyed. “But, I am always a bit concerned when you tell me about all the support you are getting for dealing with the pain you caused me, but I am not getting any support.’
He didn’t get it. Did not have a clue.
“Well, if you would have come here, they would have supported you, too.”
“I don’t need their support. What about support from you? Acknowledgement from you?”
“Honestly, they would have helped you a lot.”

They did arrange another meeting with all of us in attempt to address my concerns. I spoke with my SA tonight, though, and he told me that the family therapist has no record of my “arranging to travel there” so clearly I was not telling the truth about planning to come, but needing information first.”

WHY is a treatment center presenting me as a problem? WHY would they ever actually defend themselves, instead of creating statements such as, “We must have misunderstood and how can we do this now?” The director actually told me, “We didn’t want to contact you and meet about this because we would have had to tell you that you are wrong, and we did not want you to feel even more rejected.”
AM I now simply out of my mind after all of this crazy-making crap from a long marriage with an SA, or does this sound crazy to any of you?
All I can think about is the information I have read about partners experiencing “treatment trauma,” but I never imagined in a million years that I would be so minimized–AND treated as if I am the problem!
I am absolutely horrified!
WORSE! The last of our money blown on this place! I waited even longer just to get crumbs. AND then I was treated like I was only a nuisance.
Has anyone else experienced any similar attitudes?
BE HONEST. If I have simply gone insane, tell me.