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I came here looking for a shoulder to cry on, a place where everyone understood what I was going thru. I did not come on here to bash my husband or allow others to do so. I did not come here to be told that my marriage was a sham, it was never real and that there is no hope.
Everyone here is obviously hurt and bitter but every man, every sex addict, every situation is different and can’t be judged as your own story.
I feel that its like finding out you have cancer and going to a support group and having them tell you that there is no hope, your going to die, period. No treatment is even worth trying. Its over.
Theres no way anyone would tell you that. Why is this different?
I’m 2 1/2 months away from bringing a child into this world, I have absolutely no where to go and no real life support system. Being told to go live in a shelter and get legal aide to get a divorce is ridiculous. Why should I suffer with my kids in a shelter? Thats easier for you to say than it would be for you to do. Most people have at least one person in the world that could help them with a place to stay or a few bucks,when I say I have no one, I mean no one. And you can all shake your head and huff but I love my husband. I don’t forgive him, I’m very hurt and we may not survive this but I came here for love and support not for negativity and judgement. I’ve got enough going on with pregnancy, financial troubles, gestational diabetes and marital problems, I don’t need to be told my whole life is over as I know it.
If I had one person to help me or lived in a state that had good resources and was able to work and support myself, maybe I would think differently but unfortunately, I rely on my husband for a lot. I wish you all the best but for now, I can’t continue to be even more stressed and confused by the negativity here.
xoxoGoodbye Pumpkin Spice. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful. Try to look after yourself as best you can. If you change your mind at a later date, you can always come back. Best of luck to you and your family and keep yourself safe.
Warm Hugs, Karen
Pumpkin,
It’s not “bashing” it’s sharing, and you came here and did just that, and then “bashed” us for having the gall to share that we’d been through the similar hell. Not cool.
“Hes become this controlling,posessive mind fucker and i think its because of his own shame and guilt. “
“I did not come on here to bash my husband or allow others to do so.”
I spent 3 months in a shelter with my two children, hiding from a man like your husband. I didn’t suggest you go there, either. AFTER I offered to find you a place to go to think, but you wouldn’t tell me where you were so that I could start researching where, I told you to CALL the shelter. Strictly for resources. You have said you have nobody near, and you NEED resources. That certainly is not telling you your life is over, it’s telling you your child’s life is about to start and you need help. Real help with skin on and close to where you live.
If you just want a place to vent, fine. Just vent and disregard the responses. Women here call a spade a spade so it’s not comfortable sometimes. No real recovery is comfortable. Theirs or ours.
There are lots of other sites and I’m sure you will find a place that tells you there’s hope for your marriage and your love for your husband is the most important part of his recovery. There’s a lot of them out there. Good luck.
Yes Good Luck to you Pumpkin Spice. We’ll leave the light on in the ‘Hood in case you wander back someday. Love, Liza
Pumpkin, you are in a special, delicate spot right now. Take care of yourself and your babies. Plan for your future and make steps to give yourself some options. I hope to see you back here when you figure out your Husband is who put you in this tough spot, not us. Good luck, your kids need it.
Pumpkin,
I sincerely wish you all the best and I’m sorry you are in a tight spot. I wish you and your new baby love and joy.
Love, NapHear you PS. You are in a tight spot indeed. We have all been there. Admittedly not ready to bring a baby into the world. You are so vulnerable now. I do hope there can be some joy for you in bringing a baby into the world.
Most of us needed to give the marriage with a SA a shot after a d day or two or three or four. Many of us felt financially trapped. Sorry is true for you. We get that. We do.
Still, the end of the story is not likely to be a happy or healthy marriage. We lived or are living the end of the story. Our suffering is real.
Be well as you can. Do what you need to do. You are welcome here as you are. You are welcome to look elsewhere for any support you want.
I agree with Pumpkin. This is not the right place for her. She needs some real therapy and we just are not qualified and I don’t know where she’s going to get the money for it…
She married this man, had a debilitating accident, picked a State from a HAT to move to, decided to get pregnant with no friends, family, financial, or medical help…… No, we can’t help her. I’m sorry for the kids and the new baby but there is nothing we can do…I’d suggest prayer for those of you who pray.
Pumpkin doesn’t need anyone else to blame for her situation and as long as she can direct her anger at us then the longer it never transfers to her piece of shit, totally self absorbed, irresponsible husband ( I mean really, who picks a place to move out of a damn hat , drags a wife and 2 kids with him, gets his disabled wife pregnant on purpose, and can’t support them financially?).
He’s something else that’s for sure and I don’t think sex addiction is his problem…. He has problems for sure but considering the bind he’s put his family in then I wouldn’t worry about his penis right now.
Pumpkin, good luck. I mean that. Take care of the kids the best you can. They are truly innocent in all of this. Whatever it takes for you to be well then do it because that will be best for them.
PS you said
“I’m the most pessimistic realist you’ll ever meet but I’m currently in a cloud full of hormones denial fear and confusion. It makes for a rough ride.”
The sisters have a cumulative of hundreds of years of experience here in all stages of this same experience. Many are in my age range 54 and older, so lifetimes of experience and hard learned WISDOM with abusive men. You are being mentally and emotionally abused. I understand how hard this is …we all do. SOS is a shelter in the mental emotional shitstorm. Reality and wisdom is here, it takes time to unravel the truth and put the realities in place in your mind, it is a process and a hard one…..the choice is yours to go but my heart grieves for you because what you are walking away from here at sos is the lifeline that can help you navigate through this with your asshat H.
Praying for your best
Lisapumkin,
good luck to you.
i hope you find some really good support, and people that help you think more positively about your options and your own inner strength.
you have more options than you think. this isn’t easy for any of us. its awful.
whatever choices anyone makes, i KNOW this to be true.
it is most important to love, look after and trust YOURSELF. no matter what you decide to do.
there is a saying that goes something like this.
the bird doesn’t fear the branch breaking, because she trusts her wings.
find your wings sister. i know you have them. we all do. and finding them was/is and will be difficult for each and every one of us.
i wish for some peace for you and your children. and mostly some inner peace for you.
much peace and light to you! You will find your way…. and much joy on the birth of your new angel…. take one day at a time… and love yourself..
I understand the rage and anger towards the SA. We all feel that.
There is a place between blind hope and no hope. It’s reasonable and acceptable to choose to live there for a minute while you consider next steps. I think what pumpkin is saying is that those of us in that place could use a supportive shoulder, too. We look for an objective sounding board, when navigating a really scary experience. I haven’t found anything like that.
I read here to get *A* perspective. It’s important for me to hear these real life stories of people who’ve been where I am. But this IS just one perspective. It’s no less extreme, in my opinion, than those selling “hopium.”
I would suggest that there are no “success” stories here not because they NEVER happen, but because they aren’t really welcome.
I understand that completely, and there’s nothing wrong with that. This is really a group for partners of sex addicts who have left (either totally or emotionally) their relationship, and are seeking recovery for themselves alone. Very valuable.
But it is not a place to discuss recovery of the couple for sure. I think in that sense, pumpkin is right.
Pumpkin wasn’t recovering as a couple. Her husband wasn’t doing anything towards recovery.
Pumpkin is and was alone.
I’ve never said there are no success stories or that there were NO couples ever able to make something work. In fact, I have always sated the opposite. I know some sisters that are making the best they can of the marriage. They don’t post a lot because every negative SA story makes them angry at their own husband and it isn’t helpful to them. I get that.
I think the ones that come here looking for the “cure” are the ones sorely disappointed. Whether you make the marriage work in any way is a crap shoot at best. We have no idea what these guys will do at any given moment. It would be lying to invent data that said they were trustworthy.
Stay in the marriage for whatever reason you have. It’s never going to be a real relationship and that’s just a fact. Kid yourself that you can stay with a man for years after he cheated on you and lied to you and tell me that you will never wonder where he is or what he’s doing or if he’s lying…..
You will always wonder ….. He made sure of that. You cannot make what would be typically known as a good marriage or relationship out of that kind of treachery. It cannot be done. There will always be something wrong. Deep down, every woman knows that is the truth.
“I would suggest that there are no “success” stories here not because they NEVER happen, but because they aren’t really welcome.”
NOTHING could be further from the truth.
I don’t think anyone said to go live in a shelter or get legal aide for a divorce…
I believe PS said she needed space but he wouldn’t leave and if he did, he said he wouldn’t support her, so we suggested she should see an attorney to find out her rights….
Whatever.
I wish you and your kids well, PS.
To say that success stories are “not really welcome” is just flat out wrong. Almost all the women here have worked very hard to make a go of it in their marriages. While many of us have found it simply wasn’t possible, some do stay fully in the marriage. March kicked her H out, divorced him, and has now remarried him. Barbra has been working hard at recovery with her H. Her H relapsed or slipped and now they are starting all over again. I don’t want to put words in her mouth but I would be shocked if she said her story, when things were going well for her and her H, was unwelcome here. Quite the contrary. We are always looking for someone who does make it work and is happy. And the PARTNER’S happiness is the key ingredient that always seems to be missing if we stay in the marriage. Mainly because it is difficult or impossible to rebuild trust after years of deception. And when it doesn’t work, when there’s a relapse, or a disappointment or a realization that it was a fake recovery, we are here for our Sister, no questions asked.
And yes, we are honest about our experiences and the collective wisdom that has gathered here. We are not going to lie to you and make up some bullshit about happily ever after. If you want that, go drink the Carnes and Weiss kool aid. When I joined the site 18 months or so ago and would post glowing reports about something “wonderful” my H did to prove we were firmly on the track to stay together and live happily ever after, all I ever got was congratulations from the other sisters and some gentle warnings that all may not be as it seemed. They were so right. Even though I was absolutely sure we were destined for recovery as a couple, I was never, ever shamed or made to feel unwelcome here. And when it slowly became clear that perhaps things weren’t as rosy as I initially believed, the Sisters were here for me.
I am very protective of this place and of my Sisters. JoAnn’s haven for us literally saved my life. I deeply resent anyone who says we don’t support women who are trying to recover from this trauma either inside or outside their marriage because I know that is a smack in the face for JoAnn and the other beloved women here who do EVERYTHING they can to help women in our situation. I get that this place is not for everyone. And that’s fine. I’ll just stay here wallowing in our “extreme perspective” and thanking JoAnn and the rest of the ‘hood for allowing me to do so.
Thanks Teri, I meant to say that first but I got sidetracked bu the whole thing.
Pumpkin did post for HELP because she needed space and her H would not cooperate. I didn’t respond to her but I read the other sisters responses and they all offered advice based on what she asked….
I think pumpkin is definitely really sensitive (who isn’t in the early stages of this nightmare), and maybe took some really good advice as criticism. I saw people offing her advice on how to have more options open. Not telling her she should do anything necessarily.
Everyone has a unique situation. All SAs have some major stuff in common. But they aren’t all the same. Those in last stages of addiction have altered their begin chemistry to the extent that they aren’t capable of a real marriage. Not all SAs have engaged in the same activities. Partners have different l limits to want they choose to move past.
For many (probably most) there is no possibility of moving on from this to have a real relationship. I respect that, and fully realize I may soon be one of those.
To continue in this relationship, I require complete abstinence of all SA behaviors, not just “acting out”. That includes lying, SA thinking, jacking up priorities, etc. If he can’t do that, I’m done. I won’t stay in a relationship with an active addiction present. If I can’t get to a place where I can have a real relationship with him, I’m not interested.
Will he deliver on what I’ve asked? Realistic odds are no. If he does, can I really move past what he did? I don’t knew yet. I do know that it’s my decision to find that out for myself.
* I should say, my husband’s acting out behaviors were kind of limited, comparatively speaking. He did not ever move on to having sex with someone. (i know. I didn’t believe it either. He’s passed Pollux, and I’ve scrubbed every device he had access to for info. He didn’t.) Had that happened, I would not be capable of continuing this.
I private messaged her with offer to help, and she would not give me even the city she was in so that I could get the DV people I know involved in finding her a short term place to stay. She brushed it off, saying it wasn’t that critical.
Not how it read on the postings.
She was very inconsistent. Not surprising, but frustrating.
Daisy, thanks for your post. I’m not trying to diss anyone, especially anyone who has good though this mess!
Clearly, I haven’t seen anyone posting positive stuff. I guess I just haven’t read enough yet. I don’t believe the site is too negative at all. It’s just the reality, and I get that. have no interest in sugar coating anything.
My only a real point is that the site is, rightly so, geared toward the recovery of the partner. That’s a critical resource, and I don’t blame you for being protective of it! I just mae the point that it doesn’t seem geared towards recovery of the couple. It’s just an observation of a newby, not a criticism.
Okay MissZ, it’s all good. Have you heard of “kingdomality”? It’s a personality test to see what kind of medieval character you have. Google it if you like. I’m a white knight. I’m always getting on my high horse and charging after anyone who endangers (or appears to diss) those I love. I can’t help it. It’s my nature. 🙂
Huh. I would have pegged you for a white knight too. 🙂 I’ll be one of your sheep any day my shepherdess.
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