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My head is reeling after this call…. Dr M was not even sure if H was ready for intensive yet since he can not even admit to me he is still objectifying women and that he is still so defiant with me….I asked him if he thought i was just focused on the worst with H as I am so hyper vigilant and ptsd. He said no i think it is worse than you think it is….that I had a very articulate and dlear description and of where he is and where the relationship is. He said so it is like you are on the maturity level of a Phd with relationship and John hasn’t even signed up for 1st grade……………….. .he wants me to start thinking in terms of emancipating myself from the relationship… I told him I was beginning to think this way instead of save the marriage thinking. …..i feel stunned…………i knew it was not looking good but shit……..
I would like your honest opinion of what you think overall with what I have shared the month I have been with SOS. You ladies have been there and back with life with these guys…..I have to eat a truckload of reality sandwiches…..tell me again please….
Well, there is the prognosis you are were looking for…
I’m sorry, Lisa. I know it’s hard to hear. I do think that it’s better to know the truth and deal with it then go for years in uncertainty? But I’m sure it’s going to take some time to process. I think most of us don’t really get how bad it is because of that whole frog in the pot syndrome. It takes someone who knows what they are talking about from outside sometimes to wake us up to reality. No need to rush right now. Just take some time to let it sink in.I think you need to listen to Dr M. He is an expert on this. I would do whole heartedly whatever he told me to. Also remember a very few men actually get well from this. It took me years to get the fact that drahole was not ‘getting’ anything.
Make sure your plan b is ready to go. Reality sandwiches suck, but there is so much wisdom on this site from sisters who have been through this and wished they had a better plan b. If they tell you to secretly stash money, etc. ,then do it!! You will be way ahead of the curve because you are getting excellent advice from women who have already been through this. This advice is just plain priceless. Count your blessings you found this site.
Well, that’s about as clear as it gets, you and he are on opposite ends of the relationship spectrum. Think in terms of emancipation. I am so sorry it’s been put so bluntly, but maybe it’s a blessing. The wondering and second guessing what to do is debilitating, and this just cuts to the chase. Dr. M has said put your hope in planning your future, not a future for the marriage. It’s a damned senseless loss, what has happened, but you can’t unring the bell.
Oh my gosh yes, LisaL stash cash. And that’s cold hard cash, secretly in a safe place where only YOU know where it is and have access to it, NOT in a bank account. In case of split marital assets and all that. This is job one. Buying and stashing gift cards like gas cards, Walmart, grocery, etc. are good too.
Well Lisa, here’s what we KNOW for sure: he’s emotionally AND physically abusive. And I’d bet you anything he has cheated on you… (And not just a ‘near miss’ as you believe.) I don’t see anything to work with. 🙁
I’m sorry, lisalife. I’m so sorry because it’s horrible even if it’s what you expected.
Do you have a good therapist you could talk with about this assessment? I wouldn’t second guess Dr. M. or your instincts. It is important for you to do things that are best for you at this point. Please make yourself your priority and get all the legal advice to position yourself properly.
Again, I’m very sorry.
Diane.Lisa, if I remember right, you were sober 20+ years before dday? While I’m all in favor of getting drunk while getting through this nightmare, I’m worried that you’ve sunk back in to a hell hole that you crawled out of before. There are quite a few sisters who are sober that maybe you could reach out to for support. It would be a shame if this stupid sa puts you back in a place that you worked so hard to get out of.
Sober sisters, please pm Lisa.
Thanks, Ali
Yes !! Do what Ali said!!
Of course you want to get drunk. Who wouldn’t ? But your sobriety was hard won so do not let him take that too.
Mimwalla will not lie to you. Believe him. It’s okay for your H to go to the intensive. It can’t hurt. BUT you need to focus on you.
Don’t drink Lisa…. Not now. Just don’t
THanks Ali, I wasn’t remembering that and you saved the day.
Don’t let me be a bad, bad influence, Lisa. Be true to yourself.
I think you are going to have to let the info sink in. We trust his judgement as he deals with these cretins every day. Nothing you have described about your H sounds very hopeful. I think he has been stringing you a merry dance for a very long time….
I am ok right now, I have relief knowing he is leaving tomorrow and the xanax is in gear. Yes Ali 24and1/2 years. I am not drinking today. Say cheers for Me Liza and Bev 🙂 Diane doc talked about helping to get financial security out of this for Me and said I sounded like I would definitely make it out with myself intact eventually. He really is a wonderful Doctor
H just left for the airport…..only God and doc can help him now. We parted with a hug and i cried, I told him all I ever wanted was for him to be free from the things that had caused him to be so cold and what he got with Dr M would be up to him and his ability to hear and look at the things he didn’t want too……..he was somber and hopeful. Said that for the first time in his life he wanted to deal with himself and what was wrong with him he wants to be whole and be the husband and father God intended for him to be. He was going with an open mind (which i do believe he means it as much as he can, I just don’t know if he can face himself and his ugly….) He said he believed that Dr. M was the one who could finally help him and he was willing……and he hoped I liked who I saw when he got back.
Dr asked me yesterday if I thought that he could help H, I said I felt that H would feel safe with him and be able to get some progress how much i did not know….(One thing about my H is he was severely and abusively neglected by his dad and has always craved desperately for a male figure to mentor him (he has said this many times to me) someone to give him guidance and approval. i think H is going with the belief that doc fits this deep need and can help him….imo)
Doc said yes he will feel much safer with me than you ,as he sees you as an enemy and told me how that his heart was to help men be whole human beings to be able to love their wives and not abuse them.
I said man don’t i know it………he hates me teaching and preaching to him because he sees me as the enemy, H has said a hundred times he wants an objective opinion and he will be much more inclined to “hear you” because of your knowledge and expertise in the field. Doc seemed satisfied enough with that that H was possible to work with, and would still give the green light for H to come. but said it would be up to H.so enough about him. the very air feels better in my house now, for me i am feeling good today because he is gone from my house my space and my presence. I wish i could have a party at the beach with the sisters, that thought makes me happy. I have to plan a little trip to somewhere while he is gone hmmmmm, and next week the Mardi Gras festivities begin at home….there are parades and parties,great food, street dances and live cajun bands all over the state and beyond. I do NOT go to NOLA because it is just too raunchy but in the other towns there are some fun more family oriented celebrations 🙂 just a thought……oh there you are Lisa……..i see me 😉 Laissez les bons temps rouler ~ Let the Good Times Roll
I am surprised i feel this way today………but i like it, just the thought of a reprieve maybe and actually going out and doing something for me maybe? …….maybe a little space to wrap my head around planning something to do without him as my focus? feels good today. Dr M jolted me into a hard reality yesterday it still has not totally settled , i do admit i may have smoked a little hopium this morning but i am not missing him either and glad he is gone….. not missing him(the man i thought i was in love with) …that’s new for me. I am thinking going to go home for a few days and see my lifelong friends, and chill is a good idea.
your thoughts?Lisa,
I used to think it would be the end of the world if I got divorced and my family was split up. Well, guess what? I am getting a divorce and my family is split up. And I’m not dead! As a matter of fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My own apt, make my own rules, don’t have to deal with bullshit anymore.It really is about accepting the truth about the sa and making a new life for yourself. And this is the same whether you stay in the marriage or leave it. I literally made a punch list of disgusting behaviors he did so I can look at it in weak moments. Those weak moments are fewer and farther between.
No matter what happens with h, YOU will be fine. Do what you need to to make certain you have security. Stash $, make a plan b and stick to it.
Hang in there. It will be interesting to see what doc m comes up with.
Lisa, I hope that Dr M can properly assess your husband and give you some straight answers so you can make informed decisions about your future. In the meantime, take a deep breath and relax. You have done everything you could for him. Now it is time to think about yourself.
Tina i can see a little, bit not much, of what life without him would be, that why i’m thinking if i go home and enjoy being with lifelong friends and do things with them i can see more of that life without him. They love me and know me as the person I was before this….I was voted “class favorite” for Gods sake! I have been so isolated for the last 2 years it is unbelievable.These people know (know the good bad and ugly) me, love me and enjoy me, always have. He has made me feel so unlovable and its just not true! Lisa the one who i lost somewhere in all this shattering grew up there and i can get a clearer recall of myself as a restored woman?? That is the woman that hell or high water will make it OUT of this fucking swamp. i want to use this time to get traction for me.
Yes Lisa, you fought the proverbial good fight. You got him to the only person that might be able to help.
I know when I sent my H to Minwalla that I knew I was done. I knew that I wouldn’t ever again be a part of any sicko shit ( including recovery). I got him the help and I quit.
Even though I remain, I won’t lift a finger to ever help him again. It felt good to know that I was finished.
Take a breath and do whatever you feel like doing. And , whatever you do, do NOT get into any conversations with your H while he is away. In fact you may want to contact ISH and ask them to tell your H not to call you that you will call him if you need to…..
It’s best to just wash your hands of the whole sordid mess and leave it to the experts. Doc M will speak with you and he will tel you all the info that you need.
I’m so glad you have some space for the next 10 days. Enjoy 🙂
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