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He’s at it again. I had to send him an insurance waiver form to sign…he finally did it at the last minute and then texted me: “hi sweet, thanks for your follow up on the Wind insurance and [graduate ]program. There are so many things that we work well together. I miss you and am very grateful to you. XoxoXOO r”
WTF??? I have not answered a SINGLE ONE of his texts or emails and only communicated with him recently about the insurance form, because the insurance company would add on an expensive windstorm policy if he didn’t sign the exclusion form. I even cut him out of my emails about the graduate program and talked only to his staff. He’s implying that I’m agreeing with the “work friends” bit and that we’re just going forward as “friends” doing things that we “work well” together but not living together or being married…that’s the LAST thing I wanted, was to dance to that tune. It’s like he now has exactly the cozy entitled situation he wanted, with me in the bookkeeper/”colleague” role while he fucks hookers, chases tramp trash and does exactly as he pleases…this is extremely humiliating to me. I want to tell him that I am NOT working with him on ANYTHING and those days are over, that I will deal with his staff but not him, and that I have nothing to say to him. I mean, he screws hookers, lies, moves out, tells me I’m worthless as anything but a friend and now says he’s “grateful” to me…presumably for my cooperation? What the fuck did I cooperate on? I went out of my way NOT to cooperate with him. He’s interpreted my silence all this time as capitulation, and he’s now probably even rewritten me getting a lawyer as “going along” with his divorce wishes.
arleigh, please don’t answer that ridiculous text. He is trying his best to engage you. You are in a position of strength. Don’t let him take that away from you. See him for what he is….a mfpos piece of pond scum.
” He’s implying that I’m agreeing with the “work friends” bit and that we’re just going forward as “friends” doing things that we “work well” together but not living together or being married…that’s the LAST thing I wanted, was to dance to that tune. It’s like he now has exactly the cozy entitled situation he wanted, with me in the bookkeeper/”colleague” role while he fucks hookers, chases tramp trash and does exactly as he pleases…this is extremely humiliating to me.”
Arleigh…you are doing it again. STOP IT. Stop trying to interpret his every word. Take it at face value. You sent him a form. He signed it. It’s done. You are making YOURSELF nuts at this point. Please, just stop.
I know how he thinks, Daisy. Saying “I’m making myself nuts” helps nothing. This was EXACTLY his line when he moved out, that “we can keep doing the things we do well together, like at work” but “marriage isn’t for us.” It’s not my fucking imagination and it’s not a coincidence he’s saying it again. It’s not just meaningless chitchat that he says he’s “grateful” to me, either. He wants me to KNOW that I’m dancing to his tune.
AB, I think he is delusional. I think he continues to ignore what reality actually is because that would mean he would have to consider you were an actual human being that he can’t manipulate according to his story line.
I predict this will continue forever. He is in his own storyline, and he has a part for you but you stopped playing it, so he’s still playing “pretend” anyway because he’s delusional.
I don’t think he thinks you are dancing to his tune. I don’t think he actually cares what you do now, you are simply a text number with which he acts out his story, a character in his play. And he’s sticking to it.ARleigh I just don’t think you actually exist for him as real flesh and blood person, with full moral agency, point of view, creativity, etc.
I”m sorry, because that’s tough to consider. But I think the only power he has is when you think he’s actually engaging you, the real person.
Was that too obscure?
I would ask my lawyer to send him the next form to sign. Anything he’s says, emails, or texts is just shit.
Diane, I suspect you’re right. To him, reality is whatever HE says it is. First he had to convince himself I was a horrible person to avoid remorse for all the crazy sick shit he’s done, and now to feel fabulous about himself, he has to believe in his delusion.
NAP, I sent it to him myself because I didn’t want to pay my lawyer $100 to do exactly the same thing.
there’s certainly no pleasure in being right.
I just want you to love yourself and trust the value and purpose of your own life. Because you are very real to the ‘hood.Arleigh, here’s a short story I love that illustrates what a relationship with a narc is like:
cat.middlebury.edu/~nereview/22-4/clarke.html
Well alrighty then Arleigh. Since I’m not helpful I’ll just keep my mouth closed and let you do your thing. I guess dwelling endlessly on his every word and it’s meaning is working for you.
I said I’d mention it when I feel people are getting snarky or snippy or victim-blaming on this site, because it simply does not solve anything and only ups the level of anxiety and unhappiness. Like telling a sister that she’s making herself nuts, and then sniping “I guess [it’s] working for you” when she objects…wow. Good thing we’re all compassionate here, huh? We’re all wounded, hurt, and some of us are very bitter, understandably so. Criticizing and sniping at each other, though, just pushes people away.
One of the hardest things for me was that I really just could not BELIEVE he was as destructive and damaged as he was. I kept thinking that it really wasn’t what it was. I could not let go of who I believed he was. And I needed to, because the real person was the destructive and dangerous person, and the fake person was the one who had conned me. Once I got my head wrapped around being conned, and accepting that I was I started to really heal. But it’s very hard to accept that we are conned, especially if we are really smart, really educated, really good at our work. I think they know that it’s hard for us to accept being conned, and that’s what they count on.
The day I finally surrendered to being conned was like a huge exhale. I was free. And the big ocean liner of my relationship sank to the bottom of the fathomless sea—glub glub glub. And it was such a relief to have to totally and completely wrong about him, and not having to hope I wasn’t.
It wasn’t obscure at all Diane. When we realize how sick they are then we stop trying to interpret anything they say or do. Even if we THINK we know what they mean or don’t mean it doesn’t matter because whatever is going on with them is irrelevant.
Arleigh, what he thinks is the very least of your troubles. You are rearranging the proverbial deck chairs. He is a full blown psychopath.
It’s been said many times but I guess I’ll repeat it. No Contact is for your benefit. If is not benefitting you then you should contact him and tell him everything that’s on your mind. Write him a letter or email and explain that you are not “work friends”. Maybe that will help you ? I really don’t know but you are obsessed with what he’s thinking. It’s not healthy. I don’t think it would hurt anything to just tell the weirdo whatever you want. It won’t change him but maybe you just need to say these things to him for your own sake…
Personally I think he’s trying to make you crazy and stall the divorce just long enough to spend whatever he can. I’m just guessing ..
Daisy didn’t snipe at you either. She told you to stop making yourself nuts worrying over him. She was right.
I feel like wt is trying to get you to break. He doesn’t like the no contact. He has been pretty consistent with his emails and texts. That is why it is important to not give up your hard fought position of strength, arleigh. Sometimes people who are not in the middle of the storm can see things a little easier. I agree with Daisy. I don’t know what it will take for you to stop obsessing over him. NC does make you stronger. It is really what you need to do. But don’t do it just bc we are saying that. You need to feel it in your heart. And that usually comes from contacting him again and again and getting shit on again and again. When we have really had enough, NC works.
I agree with bev and Daisy. No matter what your or my sob sends us, it’s our choice how we respond. I get these type of texts and emails too. I choose to put some emotional distance between my initial reaction to the tirade. I chalk it up to he’s being irrational again and I actively forget about it. His outbursts and delusions don’t affect me as much anymore. It is a choice. Actively try to think or do something else. Can you write off his texts as “he is just crazy”? It seems like you are obsessed with his motivations. Who cares what he really meant. It means nothing in your world. Good he signed the insurance form. Next. No more thought about him. I wish you could get to this spot.
I like how LITH puts it…
“Good he signed the insurance form. Next.”If he’s making you this nuts, do everything through your attorneys. Don’t contact him and if he contacts you, tell him to stop or you will consider it harassment. You don’t have to keep going through this.
If it would help you emotionally, it might be worth the $100 to pay your lawyer to deal with his messages. The key is to switch the focus to you,you and only you!
Oh, man, it was at least as good as therapy when I started running everything through the attorney. Worth every damn penny.
Oh Arleigh, I have such a hard time being restrained about this. It’s so tempting to shoot back snide things and put him in his place. It’s not worth it. Take your dignity in hand and walk away, head held high. He is not worth your time or consideration. Maybe a bit remedial, but do you have an hourly rate at work, is he worth the hours you fume over him? That’s YOUR time. YOUR time and life, it has value, far over the monetary, but that’s a recognizable quantifier.
Immediately, when you know you have “spent” time on him, make yourself spend equal time on you and your future BEFORE you can spend time on him again. He should not have such a large slice of the pie, should he? R&D on WT is a program with no future, it’s time for significant budget cuts.
Arleigh, he wants a divorce. It doesn’t matter what he says or thinks because he wants a divorce. I agree with you that he probably wants to put his own spin on it but there is not much you can do about that UNLESS you want to go around correcting people about what really happened. You could do as Bev said. You could write him a scathing email and inform him in no uncertain terms that you are NOT his work friend and NOT his anything……the trouble is…tmp may well be right. If you respond then he knows he has gotten to you. After all this time of holding to NO CONTACT are you sure you want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he has your attention?? I don’t want to incite you but Daisy is right. Your reaction to what he thinks or doesn’t think doesn’t match the reality of your situation. He is divorcing you, Sweetheart. For that reason alone it really doesn’t matter what he thinks or says as he is no longer a part of your future. 🙁 I think you need to get off that train. Do whatever you feel you need to do to set the record straight but then you have to walk away before that fucker makes you sick. You won’t be healed and it won’t be behind you BUT you will be done trying to figure out the workings of a crazy man’s brain. You are never going to understand him. Hugs Karen
Arleigh, would it be possible to just block his text messages? I guess getting a new phone number would be too hard, but could you try blocking his number? Also, is there not a way to forward emails automatically to your lawyer, before you even open them? Any contact from him seems to send you spiraling downward. He’s killing you with his insincere, kindness. You are not his Sweet or his friend. All the X’s and O’s he signs off with are reeling you in, but they are not hugs and kisses. They are insincere kibble and he is doing nothing more than messing with your head. Can you do a more thorough job of going No Contact for your own sanity? Or send him a short note telling him that any further contact should be sent to your lawyer. He seems to be playing you like a fiddle. You can’t keep the focus on you, while he keeps inserting himself into your days via texts and emails. We want healing for you. We don’t give a rat’s ass about him.
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