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I spoke with a friend today that ran into my exSAH. He expressed his sadness over our divorce. He then proceeds to tell me how sorry he felt for my ex. It seems my ex stated that he did not want to divorce. He tried to save the marriage but I would not try. My friend then stated that my ex “eluded to the fact that there may have been some infidelity on his part” but that ultimately I would not give the marriage a chance. My friend felt so sorry for my ex because he knew this wasn’t what he wanted….
My ex then proceeds to tell our mutual friend that he is dating someone now that “went through something similar”. She divorced because her husband cheated on her HOWEVER she at least tried for 5 years to save her marriage.
What. The. Fuck.
#1. It seems my ex didn’t mention to our mutual friend that I had found porn 1 year into our marriage that then progressed to screwing hookers, random women and a fucked up video sex chatting addiction. Yep, he skipped that part.
#2. Who is this poor women who is divorced as a result of a cheating husband and has ended up with MY ex??? Oh for the love of God I feel sorry for her.
One thing is for sure, this points with big red flags that my ex has NOT changed – not one bit. Getting people to feel sorry for him is his way of manipulating and he is a master at it. Wow, it would’ve been nice to hear that he said “I screwed up and did a lot of terrible things that she couldn’t get over and I can’t blame her for that”….instead of “I tried and she wouldn’t!!!”
Anyway, that’s my story of the day!
I hope you set your mutual friend straight.
That’s dr e’s mo, too, claiming to be the victim and getting people to feel sorry for him. It’s bad enough the shit they do, then they try to make us look the perpetrator. It IS enough to make you want to scream.
Nope, he’s not changed. Thank goodness you are out of the marriage. Soon he’ll be off complaining about the new woman as she finds out what she’s hooked up with.
These dudes just lie and lie and lie. I think the vast majority of them are quiet narcs. Hence the perpetual victim stance. Too bad they were not as good at telling the truth as they are at spinning their “poor me” web of BS. It is simply amazing how they can just twist everything around no matter how far off from reality it is?? Well, one good thing about your conversation LouAnn. At least you can pat yourself on the back that you “didn’t try harder” and thank God he has a new victim.
You’re so right Teri! I am out! Yeah!
The only real worry I have about this type of thing is it he pulls the whole “mommy wouldn’t try” with my kids as they get older. I really don’t want them knowing the yucky details!
Anyway, I told my friend “well the whole screwing other women kinda did me in”
:
They DO lie about everything, however I think they believe their lies…makes it easier for them. I think he has twisted this around to make himself feel victimized and truly believes we should have worked it out if only for mean old me! What an assbag!
That’s okay, my STBXSA has told his probation officer that he moved out because he knows that while he’s serving his sentence under house arrest that his home is subject to search. And he “he couldn’t bear to see me go through that again”. No doubt that’s what he is telling everyone.
What a piece of work. They are all the same, LouAnn. Sorry for your frustrating day. I had one too.
Oh, and by the way, I had been asking him to move out since September. But noooooo he had to ruin the holidays for me. He moved out on Dec. 26th.
Ugh! I am already dealing with this type of “boo hoo feel sorry for me” bs from my SA and we’re just separated. He’s got a whole group of people who are obviously alienating me because they are on his “side”. Fuck them. At least I know who’s a real friend.
You know…it would all be very amusing BUT for the fact we have actually been trying to be in relationships and marriages with people who have NO IDEA what truth is. As Diane says, the truth doesn’t live inside them. Where are you supposed to go with that?? I mean…where can you really go with that?? Never mind their twisted sexual activities, the fact that they just lie constantly is really a major factor in relationship demise. Its all rather futile.
I know it’s maddening but just remember : They cannot feel. They can only mimic. When they tell anyone they are divorcing of course the normal person is going to respond in a sad manner. Then the SA will think “oh yeah, sad…. That’s right! I’ll be sad. I can do sad….. “. hence the “poor me” shit.
I’ll bet money if we could do a study and we had an SA tell someone that he is getting divorced and the person said “Wow! That’s great!! I’m so happy for you!!” Then the SA would respond with “Yes, I’m so glad and happy too…”
They mimic.
I do feel we should have a standard response to these remarks from friends:
For the most part he was impotent and unable to satisfy my most minimal sexual needs. I then discovered his sexual incompetence was brought on by years of porn use, compulsive masturbation at work, in public restrooms, in the cars and exposing himself in parking lots. He had spent thousands of dollars on hookers trying to get it up with them, and then tried to infect me with STD’s without me knowing he was having unprotected sex with hookers (or at least trying to get it up). He lied every day of his life to me. So yeah, I guess there was a little marital infidelity.
Ha!! Diane, I may have to have little cards made with that very response to hand out to all friends and especially his family! Hee hee
Bev, you’ve hit the nail on the head with the whole mimicking thing. I actually see that also in how he interacts with the kids – its like he saw something on TV where a Dad and a son interact and he tries to mimic it. It’s not genuine. I see it so clearly now and I don’t see how I was in the dark fr so long with all of that. Bizarre.
That’s why they marry us LouAnn. They need us to go back and fix all the fake interactions. We are all so real with people in our lives that everyone just assumes the SA is the real deal. They chose us on purpose. We spackle for them 🙂
I made myself laugh Lisa 🙂
When anyone asks me (and even when they don’t) I tell them I divorced after 25 yrs of marriage because i found out my h had a ‘secret life’. Then I tell them he was with over 500 prostitutes during our marriage. He started even before we were married and never stopped. Then I tell them he arranged for prostitutes on everyone of our family vacations in the hotel we stayed at. I just say that and they pretty much get the true picture. I can’t roll shit in sugar and call it a jelly donut.
NAP….LOL!! They are all the same. Lie,lie,lie. Mimic bc they do not have a core of their personality. They are all dry wells inside, but great actors.
The worst thing that happened in my marriage as far as direct emotional abuse was when our marriage counselor told him he needed to be more assertive and find his voice.
I say, if you are going to stay then learn to live with the mimicking. In my case, it was MUCH better than the alternative.
Ha, Nap! I’m thinking I rolled that shit (him) in sugar (a massive prenup) and tried to call it a jelly donut.
Yeah, it’s still shit.
Teri—find his voice!!!!!!!??????
never going to happen.
he’d have to let go of his penis.Victoria—excellent term—chat bots.
And it really got worse for me after he went to his 12 step fake recovery group. It was like continuing ed program for chat botting. He came home with these completely idiotic scripted lines. Good grief I’m glad I”m out. I’m SOOOOOOOO glad I’m not wasting one more minute of my life trying to “support” his “recovery”.They mimic the counselors and 12 steppers etc.
It’s all mimicry. My H did that “find my voice” on the advice of “therapy” and got kicked out of the house for it ( when I finally figured it out). Then he found Minwalla and a good CSAT and now he mimics humility and patience and humanness ….
I point this out to point out that they mimic and nothing they say or do is original or truly heart felt……
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