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My H set it up so I would catch him. He said he wanted me to be as hurt and feel as rejected as he did. Interesting that Ted Bundy said the same words.
Mission accomplished, asshole.
He also said afterward that he felt so FREE that the secret was out. He’s getting all better coming to JESUS and I am drop-kicked into HELL.
I have heard that from other stories. I find that an intersting dynamic. Both points.
Anyone have that experience?
Is it in the Handbook?
If he knew he was wrong, and apparently he DID, why didn’t he just stop or go see a pastor on his own?
Projection and punishing me for his sins. It’s in the article March shared on narcissim. Thanks for that good article, March:)
Head spinning green vomit,
Debora
I told you my Da was running around like Mary F`n Poppins….Doc M called me today to reiterate that asshole is the king of denial and I should “lay low”… We are to have a phone conversation ( all 3 of us) next week.
So, yes Debora, My h gets a second shot at life and the price was my life.
I`ll join you in the green vomit head spinning category:)
I forgot to add that it was just catching him watching porn and that if he hadn’t shown himself to me I never would have known what was SO wrong in our marraige, MY life.
And I still don’t have a true disclosure and all my questions answered.
PUKE
Mine used this line once during one of our “heavy” discussions”
“Did you ever think that maybe I wanted you to catch me?”
OOOHHHHHH I GET IT NOW!!!!!!!!
He had this all planned for me to read his emails to his prostitutes. Well, of course he did. Just another way to show his grandiose thinking. He could never admit that “I” caught “HIM”. He wanted to have the upper hand on THAT tooooo!!!!!
(head spinning green vomit)
I`m sorry Cindy , but I am laughing. I am also drinking so discount pretty much anything I say. But that is classic…Ignorant assholes.
Caught. Twice. Second time was enough, i kicked him out about 4 months after that.
How? First time his stories were not lining up. He was lying about his where abouts, lying that he even watched porn, lying about the amount of time….oh 5 min a day, but he had a stack of videos, lying about trips…So one day I added it all up and put it together. I said to him either you are a selfish asshole or you have a problem. He chose the later, but actually i think he is a selfish asshole. So sorry I tried to beleive him the first time.
Cathcing him the second time again, revelaed selfish asshole. I never would have imagined while caring for our daughter during the day that he would be viewing porn while she was awake. Sadly he was.
Never make an assumption that your h will do what is morally right? Because as hard as it is to beleive, they don;t have morals. Or of they do have morals, they are so buried their urges override them, this isn’s a safe place either for the innocent.
Love,
FloraFlora you got it right they simply have no morals, I told my h that the only thing he is afraid of is the law and he is also concerned about his self image, but nothing else no morals no fear of god, they are all sociopath
When their bad character is revealed, then and only then do they claim: “I can’t help it. i have the disease of sexual addiction.” Whether it’s a sex addiction or not, the results are the same for their spouses. We are all Saints according to Catholic tradition. We suffered the deepest betrayl known to womMAN and most of us, stayed, forgave 7 x 70. We’re Modern Martyrs. But the more abuse I endured, the more I realized that whether it’s a sex addiction or not, these men are NOT marriage material….you can’t marry someone who is addicted to infidelity and expect fidelity. Why get married if your not exclusive? What are the advantages of an Open Marriage or a Swingers Marriage or a Sex Addict Marriage? I just don’t get it. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. If you want to be swinging and open…if you want to be a sex addict, you should be single.
Helen, that’s a question Anderson Cooper asked my H on national TV, one of those he thought of that wasn’t on the prompter.
“Why did you marry her if you knew you had this problem since you can remember, and couldn’t be faithful? Why put her in that position? And her children?”
Boy he’s something to watch!!! And the whole audience was straining to see what H had to say. AC is a master at this live interview thing.
My H dodged the question, of course. I don’t even have the show on tape, and don’t remember the exact redirect H used, but H had no answer. It might even have been cut from the tape that was aired, as H had no answer.
But for my H, I am pretty sure I know. He loves to present himself as a Christian family man. Boy Scout leader. Takes daughters to ballet and sons to karate. Volunteers at the church. Goes out with his wife once a week like clockwork. Has a group of friends and family over once a month and on holidays. It fits with what he thinks people expect from a successful executive.
He compares constantly with what other people are doing and adjusts if need be. It made me crazy as I have NEVER been a “keeping up with the Jones” type of person. I do my thing. If it’s not part of the template, oh well. I don’t paint by number anymore, I’ve grown past that a long time ago.
That`s so strange Lynn because mine is a big ” look around and see what other people are doing” and “keep up with the Jones`” type….I never have been and never understood the whole thing until now…
That makes them feel better about themselves. If they can look “normal” then they’re able to bury that sick part of themselves and feel good about the person they present themselves as. I believe most of these men are overachievers. Mine is. Ivy league graduate, fighter pilot turned executive, who thinks he’s better than everyone else in an ever-so-humble way. The VP job he has now still isn’t good enough for him. He needs better….more…to inflate his already over inflated ego so that he can present himself as a high powered executive and not have to think about the horrible, sex addicted wretch that he really is.
How? I suspected something was way off kilter ( of course that ended up being my fault) so I sent him to therapy ( I actually did think he had unresolved childhood issues). He got worse and I got called crazier. I found a Hotel “junk mail” type thing that was asking dummy to rate their service for his stay on blah blah date… Thanks to my therapist, my brother, and 1 friend, I did not tip my hand. I started digging up financials and hired a PI. Game Over…
The strangest thing about the whole ball of wax is that I NEVER look at mail. I never have. I was cleaning the kitchen, sorted out the mail pile to take to dummy`s office and went to finish the laundry. I was in the laundry room when I felt like I was hit by lightening….GO LOOK AT THAT HOLIDAY INN JUNK MAIL!!!
I told Teri later that I was convinced it was God helping me to save him. She countered with, ” It was God telling you to save yourself.”…. I agree with Teri 🙂
I think Teri is correct, Bev.
Caught, again and again. And to answer Harmony, I originally found porn magazines a couple of times, quite by accident, over twenty years ago. Not Playboy or Penthouse, but the underground type. He managed to deliver some extremely lame excuses for this.
A few years back, once we were online, I started finding porn sites open on his laptop periodically. He’s great at lying and manipulating, but sloppy when it comes to covering his tracks.
It’s only been in recent months, after I really started digging, that I’ve gotten a sense of the depth of his addiction. I say a “sense” because I know I’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg.
Flora wrote: “I said to him either you are a selfish asshole or you have a problem.”
I think it’s both. In my not-so-humble opinion, being a selfish asshole IS a problem. That especially applies to anyone who’s married or in a relationship, not to mention those who have their children to consider.
Well – mine wasn’t caught per se. He asked me for a divorce out of the blue in Feb. of last year and said that I wasn’t fulfilling his needs and he had to “find his light” (turned out his “light” was porking as many grannies as possible). Then the granny du jour at the time started to stalk me but he said they were “just friends”. Then he told me about prostitutes that he saw for 5 years (oppps – it was only 3 years, ooppps – it was only 1 year, including a “special” one), then 5 months later, one night while we were supposedly working on our marriage, I found a text from a former? sext buddy…then I found CL ads….and then……
Oh my god – no wonder I’m traumatized. The disclosures and discoveries kept coming. (and still no formal disclosure)
Deb
so it seems that none of the SAs here truly confessed on their own then?
mine was caught. 50th birthday. says ‘i gotta get outta here”
the next day i ask him where the $300 is from the withdrawal he made that night and what he did.
“i got a massage’
his story didn’t add up. took a few weeks, but i started to see the truth (after two debilitating panic attacks..)
fucker
Fucker indeed!!!
After a very sketchy (at best) marriage for many years and plenty of near misses and also red handeds, I enlisted my computer savvy son (SA’s stepson) to hook me up with a key logger – pronto!!
You dont even want to know!!! Sigh….
A year and a half later, I am happily divorced, moved to a beautiful state, got a dream job, and have an awesome, sexy, attentive, exclusive, dedicated, loving, smart, funny, witty, quirky, REAL, boyfriend.
Ahhh……my silver lining…. 🙂
Caught…then the dribble effect of the disclosure for a few months. I think I know it all but I probably don’t. What does it matter anyway? I used to care about the severity of the “addiction/disease” in order to determine if he could possibly cure himself. What are the odds? Now I don’t weigh any odds in my head. I have educated myself about this shit and continue to learn everyday but I am now putting my healing first. Finally! Let the cards fall as they may. Time will tell.
Busted!!! again and again. stories not adding up. actions not quite making sense. feeling like something was wrong. being lied to. not trusting myself anymore. thinking i was off my rocker. then finally a confession that he was an SA but still without actually admitting what his actions & behavior had been. just that he had a problem. took another year for the details to come out. not sure which part i am most angry with myself for at this point!
Busted!!! again and again. stories not adding up. actions not quite making sense. feeling like something was wrong. being lied to. not trusting myself anymore. thinking i was off my rocker. then finally a confession that he was an SA but still without actually admitting what his actions & behavior had been. just that he had a problem. took another year for the details to come out. not sure which part i am most angry with myself for at this point!
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