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Confessed initially- to “get me” I now realise. After that and years later….CAUGHT…spectacularly caught. I am so with SL. After being on this site and in Cosa for YEARS I am convinced they are ALL cut from the same cloth, ALL read the same books. ALL get worse with discovery, ALL either turn on you outright OR pretend they are now going to turn themselves into a new man but it doesn’t last, ALL try to screw you when you try to divorce them and ALL make HUGE gestures that leave you thinking “he must be sincere” when he isn’t and never amount to a hill of beans. Though they may differ in their perversions they are eerily similar in their manipulations and their justifications.These men are poison. And any woman who thinks you can therapy or 12 step away that level of brokeness and narcissism, needs to take her own head RIGHT out of her own ass. Though I love all my sisters thats what I truly believe about these men. WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY. It all turns out the same in the end…its really just a question of how long and how deep the woman’s denial is. All that self focus can sure come on handy when you REALLY don’t want to see what is right in front of you…..
UGH….have given myself a headache and broke my own rule about allowing these creatures to get any kind of rise out of me. 🙁 Just hate to see good women repeatedly hurt by these psychos Karen xxyes, the stay for 6 months to a year (that’s what i was told) has seemed mildly abusive to me to. in fact much of the SAs recovery (stay on your side of the street) seems abusive to me too. the fact that the recovery material is locked away. how fucked up is that? but i do see the wisdom in not acting in crisis, our minds have been severely screwed by this. i feel like i have a brain injury…
lisacay yes it is trauma brain injury and lots of therapy physical and mental can only make things better but I will always be a bit off from this.. I will never marry again if I he goes back to that life i will never date again I cant smell this stuf fon anyone I have seen the best men lie in this lifestyle and get away with it for years…
I have also seen many men surrive it that is the truth and seen happy marriages from it some win some dont.If possible, please give us detailed information on the ones that have made it. I am so very curious.
I keep coming back to this thread and I can’t decide if mine was caught or admitted it. I guess mostly admitted it.
Years ago he was on a business trip in Ohio and told me there was an airshow that weekend at a nearby AFB. Trusting Kayn (aka Blind Fool) encouraged him to stay and enjoy the time to himself. He was so reluctant. *gag* But did stay. Came home that Sunday night and kissed me differently. I knew then he had been with someone else. When asked, he was SO HURT that I would call his integrity into question like that. Swore he would NEVER cheat on me. Over the years, the question has come up and always the same response from him. I always felt so guilty for hurting him by doubting him.
10 or so later, I asked the question again and he responded that he had indeed had an affair that weekend. I have no idea why he confessed it. He wasn’t contrite – he was furious and slamming things around. Lied that it was only one night and he couldn’t perform because of his guilt. Took a month to drag the full details out of him. It wasn’t just one night. A full weekend. And a full six months prior online and over the phone. I called the woman. She hated him because he used her, told her he loved her and was leaving his family for her, so she filed for divorce the day before that weekend. He spend the entire weekend talking about how great it was to be with a petite woman rather than the “cow” he was married to. He later admitted that. Found out I called twice during their sex over the weekend and he never missed a beat. Talked calmly and pleasantly with me as long as I wanted and then right back to sex with her.
I never – over 23 years – saw any evidence of anything and it was just that stupid kiss that tipped me off. He convinced me he had come clean with everything and begged me to renew our vows. I finally agreed two months later, after he swore to me there wasn’t anything else. I begged him not to lie to me. I HATED having my choices taken away from me by his lies. (by this point, I was blind AND stupid)
He changed immediately after vow renewal. Weird sex, very selfish, withdrawn…the list of changes was endless.
At that point, I knew I didn’t have it all. He had merely let his guard down and quit hiding. Over the next 5 months, I was relentless in getting the truth of my entire marriage. Did not let up until I had pulled details of betrayal and lie one after the other out of him like scarves out of a magician’s sleeve. It was excruciating but give me the truth no matter how much it hurts. Give me my right to choose my life rather than living an illusion that crumbles like dust between your fingers!
The damage, as with all of the sisters here, has been devastating. Will he recover? I don’t know. I hope so. The odds aren’t good. And I certainly won’t stand by his side while he decides whether he really wants it, pretending one heartbreaking time after another “This time it’s for real.”
It’s true that they will step on anything and anyone that gets between them and their “fix”. We all wear the footprints on our back to prove it.
The have no genuine conscience, no compassion, no empathy, no remorse. Lots of parroting what he thinks it looks like, but it isn’t real. He can’t sustain real emotion aside from anger for any length of time.
He spends most of his time lost in his head.
As for me, though, I will have an authentic life filled with joy and love and peace. I have to work my way thru the trauma and all the crap that goes wtih it, but I’ll do it because it’s the only way I’ll ever have a life he isn’t in some way controlling through the damage he’s done.
How do ya’ll manage to write resonses in a small paragraph and I write a freaking book every time?
Ugh. That made my skin crawl. I feel like I should apologize on behalf of my home (Dayton and Wright Patt. AFB) and the stupid woman who fell for that load of shit and probably ruined her own life and that of her family. I admire your strength of purpose and determination to make a good life for yourself. You sure deserve it!
I third that Amen!
“He spend the entire weekend talking about how great it was to be with a petite woman rather than the ‘cow’ he was married to. He later admitted that.”
How awful, Karyn.
Years ago, mine told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I’d gained so much weight. I understood that to a degree, but it HURT. Oddly enough, we didn’t stop having sex. And even after I lost more than fifty pounds a few years later, his words haunted me — he never apologized for it.
How horrified and disgusted I was to discover in recent months that a number of his favorite porn websites are those that feature obese women, some probably twice my size. So my fat body turned him off, but he gets off at looking at total strangers on sites like “Fatty Erotica?” Ugh.
He can’t even come up with one of his patented lame excuses for this.
(((Janet))) I am so sorry. They have the tenderness of dried cowhide. I really do understand.
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