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Lisa,
So glad you are finally alone. Enjoy!
I truly hope you will begin to make a permanent shift – for your wellbeing.
It took me years to partially recover from 20 years of hell. It is so hard to finally let go. We need to let go IMO. I only know this from getting sicker than my wildest imagination.
Here’s the deal – what the SA SAYS IS MEANINGLESS. Trust that they suck. Minwalla is the sanity you have been looking for.
I am still feeling good, well better that he is gone I guess. Decompressing probably more accurate, haven’t needed a xanax or a drink….. yes decompressing is how I feel. Have enjoyed talking on the phone, had dinner and fed the dogs. I am planning on going home to parents next week or whatever day I want to. Mama is ok with my plan of coming in when I feel ready so that is good as she can be ” difficult” at times……I just can’t seem to make definite plans yet. I take great comfort knowing you all are here and just a click away .
Bev, I read my post (only mine) from this morning out loud to my mother, and when I got to the words I had written ” we parted” and “he’s gone” I broke and had to cry…I had such grief but the words rang true deep in my soul…..it is the accepting, I hope for me,that is the letting go of the man I thought I loved who never really was…..I’m sorry for the well-earned grief that you are experiencing, Lisa. It’s just gut-wrenching. It’s good that your mom is being flexible with you. Bask in your parents’ warmth and caring. You deserve it!
My anxiety is off the chart today, it woke me up this morning in full force….. H is in first day of intensive. Just re reading your posts to me to get mindful of the way out of the swamp….changed my avatar because i am on the shore out of the swamp. The irony of the pic that i took here is, i took it when we lived in SC after discovery, I took H there as an anniversary gift, (part of the dating exercise to recover marriage weiss treatment shit) and we rowed around the swamp in a rowboat saw alligators and had a great time, of course he ruined it by wanting to dick a glossy photo at the check out in the gift shop…and that the movie scene of the boat ride with swans in “The Notebook” was filmed here………….. the movie always made me sad because i knew that was NOT the love H had for me….
I feel mentally fucked today so i am just writing here to get sanity, i fear the worst with H and hate the bastard today…………..fuck him and the boat he took me to the swamp in ……….just going to try to take a shower and do laundry just waiting on Dr M to tell me my worst night mare was a true story……….The anxiety is normal, there’s a lot of change on the horizon. Do the basics to get out of the house and change scenery, and when you’ve caught your breath go see those friends you talked about. There is nothing like reconnecting with people who you have history with, who get you, to help you surface when the swamp gets deep.
Whatever Dr. M says, you are already moving toward the shore.
that would be a reality check thank you Lynn, yes i am moving to the shore and need to shower, go pick up meds, get some cash and eat something, i have lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months….
Yes, the simplest things, showering and getting a bite to eat, getting into the day, help more than you expect. And friends, thank GOD for friends.
YAY ME! well i feel like a broke the f’ing sound barrier yesterday or something! I actually took a shower, did hair, makeup, went to nail salon had french manicure (2 glasses of wine at salon), went down town to nice place had a nice dinner, glass of wine (oops) and was home in bed by 11:00 pm. AND I did not answer H when he called!!!! He left a voicemail and he really sounded SHOOK up He kept repeating it was intense in a stuttering way…….GOOD!
well done, LL,
coping tools are not rocket science—they are these kinds of things just as you did. Making a list each day can help too—but sometimes there can only be one thing on the list. Never make an impossible list—it defeats the whole exercise. Just a little list that has something on it that is about loving yourself. Like this:
Make the bed.
Buy new lipstick.
Cook something.Eventually it gets better.
Thanks Terri, you know you really are an inspiration and a light in the Hood!
Diane, thanks, my list today is
do the dishes
go get meds
call a friend
and i feel like i can do it…. this last month with H pre intensive, the ptsd has been so debilitating i have only been out of the house twice in over 2 or 3, i cant remember, weeks and once was just to get takeout. I am ready for it to get better.Good job on your First Day of Freedom! So add this to your To Do List for Day 2: go to the bookstore and buy some magazines about decorating CABINS! (Alternatively, go to the number one time suck known to man – Pinterest 😉
Start here: http://www.pinterest.com/barbara0101/cabins-cottages-small-house-living/ ) Buy a beautiful folder and start adding pictures of the cabin of your dreams. I can’t wait to see what you build!
Here’s another of my favorites – with yummo recipes!
http://www.pinterest.com/jeannieguzman1/log-cabin-dreams-rustic-accents-recipes-and-wildli/
By the way, are you shooting for rustic cabin or shabby chic cottage or something altogether different? Inquiring minds want to know (and to live vicariously through you) 😉
Oh Liza! the pinterest site you linked is AWESOME (like you 🙂 ). I am undecided on exactly what i want…My MO in choosing, designing and decorating is too look endlessly at ideas and once i get started, i see something , have an “i absolutely love that!” moment and then just start adding too and putting it together from there. the link stirred the excitement ( i have missed that part of myself for quite some time), thanks love ♥ might as well have fun if we have to stay for the security$….bastards took everything else….divorce laws are brutal to spouse in TX, thank you Terri for your postings, if i stay i will have to get my life back. …..if i go i will have the security in place 🙂 and a divine space for me, i could put deed title in my daughters name ( i trust her with my life, unlike asshat H)….can i say, all mine, he can’t touch it even if we divorce… YES! YES YES! i figured that much out so far.
Day2 of freedom.
Dishes done
Showered,dressed makeup,hair
Went to pharmacy got meds
Rode awhile in the country with Windows down Sun shining listening to a little Van Morrison and then Eric Clapton/Stevie Winwood live at Madison square garden cds
Took myself to dinner at Mexican restaurant
Called a friend Jose quervo…I mean oops margarita just one though only 1
Home in bed in the hood with latest edition of Southe rn Living magazine
Good day 🙂Oh yes and I bought myself a silver bracelet and necklace today too. And got $160 total cash back 🙂
Day 3 I don’t know yet Liza, something enjoyable !need clarity,help. Dr M told me if H told me something of conversation about therapy that i felt M needed to know to call him. I answered H call last night because i wanted to be sure he signed the release of info form.
H “shared” with me that he and M talked about the therapist with heart to heart (the story i related earlier in this post).Of course H version of it pointed to H as the hero who defended me from the bad therapist (One of only 2 times i remember him defending me )…..H of course left out crucial point of what i said to counselor that caused his angry attack and focus on me, what i said to T was yelling, You are doing the exact same thing H is doing to me, making it all about me and my issues( which at the time i did not fully understand were ptsd symptoms , anger,hypervigilence etc).
H said Dr M said he could not remember if he had talked to me or someone else about Heart to Heart T, but that he did not agree with treatment approach of it being a intimacy anorexia disorder addiction. it was severe therapist abuse etc. T had a power over others problem.
perfect mo of H re-framing and omitting to look good here…
1. H angrily refused to honor or do consequences of boundary list i gave H in beginning session. T never went back to ask about it or make H be accountable for boundaries
2. omitting his part in describing to T how he abused that started fights. always making it look like i was the problem.
3. they were 2 sas on the same page of abusing me…….they were gaslighting each other, validating, and empowering sickness and entitlement. i was the target….After h related this discussion with M i simply said: are you seeing yourself in therapy? oh yes he says.
Me: well you were just like T and abused me worse than he did.
H: got angry and said this is exactly why Dr. M said I should not talk to you during intensive. i am going to hang up now.
(What M actually said was checking in every night was ok just for short time, H said that in voicemail the night before..)
Is this something i need to tell Dr M? i don’t know, i don’t think clearly anymore…..
it bothers me he said M didn’t remember and H is still being manipulative and arrogant with therapy. I thought about just emailing Dr M.
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