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Pray I keep my tongue. I don’t want to jeapordize this now that i know I need to be here to continue school.
They said H will address my questions now, the ones I wrote before. At this point, I will not believe a word of it. No that’s not right, I will believe some, but know it’s what is NOT said that will still be the most critical information.
Like, I found out he did NOT mention the fact that one of his whores took $700 from him at their last meeting (he talked through their time and she had to get to another client – gag, would you not puke just to hear that, ladies, if you were beside someone naked? She told him she would not charge him the next time. He mentioned in that journal she scheduled next times with him, but cancelled on him. 7 times after that. The $700 was given to her 10 days before my H and I were first intimate. He said he made 5 appointments she cancelled after that. HAD to be after we were together. UGHHHHHH!
Those are the types of things he’s ‘forgetting’ to put in disclosure.
Now it’s just an act.
Good luck today, Lynn. Ugh! How awful. I hate these fuckers.
I will be thinking of you and anxious to see your update. Like we’ve said in the past, imagine your army of sisters behind you, every step of the way!
XOXO!
Lynng,
I think you might go crazy trying to find the truth in this man.
At some point you are going to need to search for truth somewhere else. When that happens, your new direction will begin to appear. Please hold yourself with love through this awful disclosure. Try and detach from what you hear. Learn it but don’t hold it, because its toxic to you. I am so sorry your beautiful spirit has been shadowed by this love gone wrong.
May you find yourself again, and may you find joy.
D.xoYes! We’re with you all the way, honey, and another thing my mom taught me a long time ago. When I’m in a situation that I’d rather not be in, but have to go, I pretend that I’m not really there, but an outside observer… as if it was a movie I was watching.
Detach from it all, to the best of your ability. You already know that its going to be fully of mindfucking gaslighting, and other such nonsense. It doesn’t matter; you already know the answers to the questions and you know that they are not going to jive with yours… Just let him talk, and don’t question him or correct him or anything him. See him for the buffoon that he truly is!
he’s gone. he’s hopeless. sicko perv!!!!!!!!!
good riddance!
I will be anxiously waiting to hear it all. Let it ALL out here, not there. I know, much easier said that done.
Love ~ L
Silver Lining, Diane and Lexie,
Thanks so much, you are all so right. Just watch and learn. It will really, really freak him out if I don’t do any input. Of course, I’ll have to respond if the counselor asks me direct questions.
Good SA answers? I don’t remember. I think he should answer that. Did I say that? I haven’t given that any thought. What do you think? It sounds like you have the answer already. I never said that. Why are you twisting my words? I’ve never seen that theory supported, so I don’t have any grounds to make a decision at this time.
Wow, this could be therapeutic in ways NOBODY intended.
Hi Lynn,
I am another time zone BUT I am thinking about you and hoping you are alright? I will also be anxiously waiting to hear from you. I know this entire process is unbelieveable. I mean who has to do these things with their bloody husband??? Sitting around with therapists listening to how many hookers the idiot was with ect ect ect!! Diane is right. The entire process is beyond pathetic. Anyway…never mind the rant….and if you get the opportunity DEFINATELY respond with “I don’t remember., Did I say that?, I didn’t know that was a boundary.” ect ect 🙂 Karen xx
Lynn,
Thinking of you tonight….(today)… Whatever it is! Hope to see your post in the morning!
Big Hugs!!!Thank you all so much for caring and keeping me in your thoughts. The second disclosure was as much a farce as the first, H found a way to twist what the counselor said in the last one to his advantage. Last time, remember, he listed on one page a three column table: date, name, act (and only listed emails and updates in the act column). The counselor said he needed to fill that in a little, what it meant, not just update. Counselor and I agreed that a hooker is not interested in an update on how your family is. That’s why H said he was calling them.
This time, H came in and put a 1/2 stack of papers on the counselors table and said that was his disclosure. Counselor took a look at it and said it looked like a draft edition of Penthouse Forum and I didn’t need to know all that. Can you imagine how THAT helped my imagination in this situation? So then H took some time getting out his laptop, and pulling up his version. And scrolling down page after page of stuff nobody would let me see, and deciding what was “pertinent”. H started way before meeting me, and CSAT said we were supposed to be doing things from our engagement on. H said it was important I understand how his relationship developed and why he considered these hookers friends, and counselor said “I’m not going to be able to work with you people like this”. I said, “can I just say, this is standard MO. The comments like, “I didn’t know what was expected”, the deflecting, the time wasting, it’s a ploy, and yes, we are wasting our time.” Then H said he would try again. He said something else, way ahead of our target date and counselor stopped him and asked what happened between, and H said, “I’ll have to look back”, and took another 4-5 minutes to do that. All we got out of that session was that H was actually involved with 9 women, five hookers and 4 others, when he met me. When he decided he wanted to be “exclusive” with me, he emailed them all his “private” email and asked them to contact his to set up meetings for ‘lunch’.
The day he asked me to marry him, he was on the phone with one when he came to pick me up. Emailed nude photos of himself and was checking to see she got them. Then when he left my house he went onto escort.com, looking for his favorite hooker (NOT the one I thought) and because she wasn’t on there, (he says and the email he copied says, too) he googled her and told her he missed seeing her photos on the website and he wanted to meet her tomorrow for lunch.
Then the counselor said our time was up.
I left alone. But was so disgusted I didn’t stay out. Just went home about 10:30, kissed the kids. crawled into bed beside H, and fell into a horrible sleep with nasty dreams that woke me at 5am.
Going to attnys now. wish me luck.
Oh Lynn!
Though I am NOT surprized I am quite confused so I can only imagine how you must feel……Lord he is really, really sick, Lynn. I don’t think your marriage ever had a hope in Hell because he has been acting out, lying and bull shitting the entire time it seems. I am REALLY SORRY and hurt for you…as we all will I am sure. Try not to push yourself too much, Dear Girl. You have time to digest and just “breath”.Try to ignore him for now…easier said than done I know. Do you have a therapist that just you can talk to?? Someone to help you process…..if thats what we call it when our hearts are broken and we have to keep going when we just feel like staying in bed forever. 🙁 Hang in there. We are all behind you whatever you do. Karen xx
Dear Lynn,
I’m glad you posted so we know you are still in one piece.
But I’m also glad you achieved some clarity about your own feelings and your limits. I’m not seeing much there to work on, and I guess the counsellor didn’t either. I’m sorry because it’s still sad, but I’m not sorry if it means you get out of this stupid hell and build a life without this shit.good luck with the lawyer. Do your best!
d.xoLawyer did not have anything encouraging to say. Basically, I have to have either a witness or a picture putting him in a residence, car, or hotel with one of these women to get fault for a divorce. And if I do go for a divorce, because of the 1 yr length of the marriage, all I can hope for is the likelyhood (not certainty) that my court costs will be paid, and maybe a temporary cost of living allowance until I get another job. Not good enough. Then she said he may kick me out… I asked, can he do that? She said, not legally unless he has some fault against you, adultery, abuse, drunkeness. She said if he tried, come see her.
Hopeless. Sigh. Sit down and count my blessings and pray the fucker dies of heart attack screwing one of his whores. At least then I’ll get the life insurance.
Wish it was better news. I’m destroying all the computer files I had copied. In addition to all the records of his contacting his hookers (which is useless without the proof mentioned above) he wrote about OUR sexual life in extremely explicit detail. I am so sickened that the counselors are reading that now. And they look at me every week. I feel less than a bug on the carpet when I know they look at me and can picture me doing those things (both men). I might stop going just for that reason alone.
The counselor asked him, why? Asked if H did he not see that doing that was objectifying our most intimate relationship? Who races away from the bed to record their lovemaking with their spouse? I never remember his doing that, which leaves a really sneeky suspicion that he’s doing it on his laptop at work, which really struck a wicked deep eerie feeling in me. I recoiled at that almost more than when I first learned about the hookers. I felt like PREY!
Lynn–
First, I am so sorry the disclosure yesterday and the meeting with the attorney were not at all what you needed. It’s such a trapped helpless feeling–I know, I’m there too. But having company doesn’t make the misery any better… it just means that there are more of us in the same boat.
Just a few thoughts.
I’m betting he wrote out all the details of your relationship because it turned him on. Reliving his conquests, etc, trips his trigger. Maybe, in some sort of way, it gave him a feeling on control too. But, the fact that it might be on his work computer gives me hope that it could be used against him. !!!
I also think that you shouldn’t erase all of those copies you made. Why? It definitely shows a different side of him, one that you can show to the judge when you need to. This side is predatory and calculating. It does objectify your relationship and I think it could be a powerful tool for your divorce attorney. Don’t let it humiliate you. Those therapists have seen and heard it all. They won’t hold anything against you. Promise.
Did you ask the lawyer about the continuity thing? I’m betting that will be a good thing in your favor. You quit a good job to move here and marry him… are now trying to go back to school… and he’s doing this. Certainly that has to look favorably on you, trying to make something good happen from all of this.
I’ll be sending good thoughts your way!!
Love, Paula
lynn,
Holding you up in spirit. Keep being a friend to yourself. You are doing well. It just hurts like hell.{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}
March,
I actually did ask about a fraud suit. The attny told me if that were possible, most marriages she knew of would have ended that way. Hhhmmmmm. Not an unusual end to a “once upon a time” then. Why don’t we teach our daughters THIS story.
Oh Lynn, I’m so very sorry you’re in this horrible mess. Please remember, you have absolutely NO reason to feel ashamed – be PROUD of the wonderful woman you are. Please take care of yourself… Love and encouragement, Liza
I’m just sitting here supporting you in any way that I can. You already know how I feel about disclosure, especially with someone like this who’s so very sick. I just don’t know what to say anymore… he’s beyond pathetic and you are such a fantastic woman. Please remember that I’m here to help, if I can and I mean it Lynn.
… and be rested assured that he will get his. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow… but soon…
Love and hugs ~ L
Dear Lynn
So sorry that that the 2nd time was as incomplete as the 1st. the disclosure about contacting hookers the day he proposed to you? I mean, enough said. It shows how deep this thing runs in his convoluted addict brain.
Lynn– you lost a year. While you may not bet much financially from a short term marriage, the benefit is — IT IS A SHORT TERM MARRIAGE!! you get to get out. Can you live indepedently from him? Are you in his residence?
Where were you living before him? if you did it then, you can do it now.If I had known what I was dealing with years ago, oh what a different life I would have made. While it is still not too late, it is not that green anymore neither.
Chalk it up to bad year. 2012 can be better. so can goodbye. Thanks but no thanks.
Hanging on to finish my bachelor’s. Can’t see ever having the chance to do that after I’m a single mom working full time again. I thought it was difficult with elementary school children. I shudder to think what would go on if I left my teenager to herself that long.
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