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Zraniona, from what I’ve seen Jeff and Ella may be Christians in name but they are the “talking the talk while not walking the walk” variety. I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with that sort and I certainly wouldn’t give them my hard-earned money.
a link: http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/about-us/sai-trauma-model/
one quote: “Persons impacted by this type of trauma deserve clinical treatment and the lack of provision is a form of gender-based violence and a violation of human rights.”
Nothing incompatible with the highest ideals of Christianity there.
I don’t know anything about the past, but what I saw on the married site was pretty indicative. Jeff, if it was him, was snide and smarmy sarcastic in his postings. It was gaslighting and blameshifting in the most subtle shades. If you haven’t lived it, it just looks like someone trying to straighten out a misguided person who is emotionally distraught. It’s not. It’s manipulation. He’s not “recovered” from that, nor from his misogynistic attitude (which I think he is unaware of, BTW, it’s so ingrained). Ella, if she’s a counselor and can still promote him as a recovered SA capable of doing intensives, is not a counselor I would trust. Anyone who recommended him, I wouldn’t trust.
Thats a lot of information, thank you all! Thank you JoAnn for your response, it was very helpful – and surprising. I have a lot to think of now. I was really convinced it’s something I wanted to do, and even my husband agreed to do it. I’m off for the weekend, I will check in when I get back.
wow wow and wow. i am almost (lol) speechless. first off i NEED to thank you all. i have gotten a bigger reality check in last 72hrs than ever had w in the last two yrs as this turmoil has barged into my life.
secondly, i rem hugely, at my ex and i’s “recovery group” each couple were to be “lead couple”. now, i was vigilant? diligent? dont know the best word, im exhausted, anyway, at seeking ANY HELP available to guide me, him, us in this horrific *cough* journey, and marriedtoasexaddict was one of the very first sites out of an infinity amount i had come across that made an impact. with that being said, a lead couple had decided to copy and bring in the posting JoAnn wrote about “why i stayed” THAT ALONE, while there is also clearly so much posititivity in the support of trying to make the relationship/marriage be a successful one through all of this, shows that this site is STRONGLY about supporting a POSITIVE outcome for the, (hello why does this Have to be CONSTANTLY reminded?) TRAUMATIZED partner!!?? AND the marriage/relationship surviving. SO WHAT! that there us a tendency to lash out in anger towards the SA, umm are we not entitled? ok! no we dont have a “license” (one of my arrogant therapist mockingly stated) to abuse, HOWEVER, it comes from the ptsd. AND while that venting occurs, WE ARE IN FKNG THERAPY talking amongst ourselves, providing virtual hugs that are so desparately needed and heartfeltly given, passing along tools, resources, opinions, FACTS, exchanging stories i could go on and on with what this site provides to enable us victims, us, all we want(ed) to do was to love and be loved partners, an outlet, a grounding, some “normalcy”, a form of sanity in this madness, where with God’s help, combined w the help from one another we CAN and WILL move on and forward to a more fulfilling life from a pit of hell that we havent been dragged through, that we’ve been dragged into.whether staying married/in the relationship or not.
i think maybe Jeff feels a bit threatened and maybe even guilty? see when i see people behave that way, i cant help but through experience, deem that THEIR lashing out at someone else who is by far doing the right thing, a good thing, its because they themselves are in fact not.
i dont know, i only glancingly read through the postings Jeff was involved in, BUT I PRAY that he and Ella’s approach in this extremely delicate situation is beneficial to those who seek their counsel.
btw, ive found some of the lashing out at the SA’s humorous rather than strictly vicious. ive found myself chuckle while reading most of them.. we i feel have to get those thoughts out, we have to tell the sigh “crazy” stories of our reactions to scenarios we’ve been in, otherwise, we would surely explode.. and being able to express them and laugh a bit, helps heal.
Well, honestly, none of us killed them. I say that’s a pretty good record.
If I had a do over, I would have shot his ass on the spot. I didn’t … I confronted, he cried, I hugged him and got him on a plane to Minwalla. That’s as supportive and Christian as I can get. I did not kill him.
I’ll say this again – this is NOT a God issue. This is a mental issue. It is a psychological problem. It has nothing to do with Christianity. Minwalla also agrees with that.
Because we went out to see him, we are not divorced. He is in treatment with a PhD CSAT, that has consulted with Minwalla and is open to Minwalla’s treatment model. I have done the partner intensive, my husband went for a second 3 day on his own, and as Bev has said, I didn’t kill him and so that is a bit of success. I am separated for my own healing. The best shot our marriage has, is me choosing me and him choosing him. Minwalla got us to slow down, got my husband to “see” what he has done and has him seeing a therapist every Friday. He is worth the $. Every penny! IMODear Z – I haven’t commented on my experience with Omar Minwalla in a long time, although I often check in and read the posts, but after your questions about Jeff and Ella, whom I do not know, I feel it is important for me to share where I am. Like everyone else has said, Dr. Minwalla and the staff at ISH have been a ‘Godsend’ without the religion. I went out there in April after spending a lot of money following a lot of other therapeutic paths that spoke lip service to my trauma before further traumatizing me. Omar stood next to me in a way that allowed me to take many in a series of very courageous steps. as Trish said, there is no being saved or saving anyone else unless you can first truly take care of yourself – this is not
about God, it is about our humanity. Our partner’s behavior isn’t something we cause even if it is something we care about – the consistent theme in this struggle is that SA’s rarely stop before getting caught, if they stop at all. The commitment to deceive and the ongoing perpetration within the relationship and family that this unleashes requires extensive and complex unwinding to fathom. Understanding is probably not likely unless both partners are SA but that does not mean there is no desire to try to reconcile who this person is with who we thought they were. Every partner has every right to seek the care they need to heal from this destruction and if they desire, attempt to save their marriage. I would also add that this misery is first and foremost about an unwillingness for the SA to live transparently, within that unwillingness they often have full awareness of how acting out the way that they do, with the desire to hide it violates many personal, social, and often religious contracts that they pretend to adhere to. Otherwise why present as a person of ‘faith’ and then rupture every principle of said faith?
I am not religious but I believe I have strong principles that allow me to make morally conscious decisions and follow a path of compassion – God neither guaranteed that for me, nor my husband, who happened to be ‘aggressively’ practicing his religion during his worst periods of screwing around.
I have been back to ISH 5 times, three times with my partner and once for the partner intensive (love you Trish and Catherine). My last visit was in October when I had a formal disclosure with polygraph after waiting 3 years post DDay.
P
Sad to say my disclosure was like most people’s not only on SOS but in this community – there were many more lies exposed and the duration of his philandering, which was enormous and began way before we were married, pretty much decimated my belief in honesty and the potential for fidelity in any relationship. Trish and Omar brought me back to myself in a way that ensured I would be able to stand firmly on what I believe. This was painful, unexpected, and necessary,
However, what I would say, despite this grief, which after 8 weeks I am still navigating I am able to lean into the truth of this wounded commitment I called a marriage. Like bev and trish’s husband mine is doing ‘the work’ but it is independent of anything I am choosing to do to heal myself. My sons were devastated as well through this maniacal behavioral tornado and we have spent thousands of dollars to help restore their sense of who they and minimize their desire to punch their father through his frontal lobe. The women on this site have not thrown their arms up in defeat they have often exhausted traditional avenues and then they come to their senses, bite the bullet, and contact Omar. I have more clarity, peace of kind, consistency in my decisions and faith that I can survive this journey with or without him – that gift is priceless. Omar is working less and less with a sliding scale because he is taking time off to write a book however, I think if you really want meaningful help you should take a loan and just go
Xo”My h and I have been separated 16 months, I consider that a success story as staying in his abuse would not have been – we actually speak and spend time with our kids and sometimes with me, but a sexual relationship is not open for negotiation, too many violations
Meg…….I am so, so sorry that you were hurt this way. Thanks for sharing your story.
With you,
DesireeAdd my thanks, too, Meg, for your courage in sharing what is still so raw, and for choosing to love yourself into a healing place. May you be safe there—not from trouble (for there is always trouble) but safe from danger.
I’ll spare you my usual caustic remarks and just say I’m sorry for your loss Meg. Thanks for letting us know.
Hi Desiree, Diane and Karen – thank you for your gentleness – I am actually doing well, although still navigating sadness I am grateful for the ‘truth’ and the freedom to make an informed decision about what is best for me. I don’t have the ongoing rage that I expected – now that I know what I want to do the rage and fear do not help me. However I will always stand for the injustice of what happens to partners in many of the current treatment practices. Z. I do not know your financial circumstances so it is presumptuous of me to assume that you can ‘get a loan’ – I guess what I am really saying is be clear in your heart and do your due diligence about the treatment you choose so that you are not selecting a program in desperation mode. We all know what that feels like, sadly:( I wish you all safe, sturdy, and most of all affordable healing – you are all an amazing group of women who deserve to live well and when you leave this planet know that those you have loved have also loved you honorably xo (by the way, i have discovered that to care about h does not eliminate my ability to care for me and I am no longer vulnerable to his ‘stuff’ – for me that has required separation, everyone has to find their own path and decide what they can and cannot live in – I will always honor that here too:)
Letting the rage go is a sign of healing I think. One simply cannot be engaged in one’s own life when all that angry focus is on another person. While I was enraged, I only thought of him. When the rage died, I was able to think of me. It is both sad and terrible to be made so angry by the man you share your world with. So abnormal on so many levels. You sound good Meg. Just keep taking care of you and it will all be alright.
Meg, I have missed having you here but I understand the need to take some time for your own healing. I’m glad you’re doing well and thanks for sharing where you are in your journey. As the other Sisters said, what you share helps the rest of us tremendously. If I could just get over my irrational fear of art therapy, I would go see Dr. M. myself based on what you and Trish have said. I would not send my H at this point. Somewhere along the way it stopped mattering to me whether he gets what he has done. All I’m really concerned about right now is finding the right path forward for me.
Daisy, I told you we could get out of art class!! I may not know much about men but I am the Queen of getting out of art class 🙂
The dog ate our homework? The bartender kept pouring shots of crown? The bookstore had a sale? The handbag is actually art and I could buy one to “represent” my feelings ???
We can do it Daisy 🙂
Y’all just need to figure out how to make art class work for you. I don’t know the protocol they use there, but I sure had a blast defacing my wedding cake topper with red and black sharpies. I had to throw it away bc I was afraid anyone who saw it would think I was disturbed.
Anyone can draw a severed penis and a man gushing blood from his pelvis…
I think someone said out were supposed to draw your broken heart….
I know for a fact that I cannot do that. … Maybe it was make it out of clay or something? I don’t remember and for whoever it helped thn I am so very for it.
Daisy and I have an intense aversion ( phobia) to drawing and clay. We can’t help it. We could fake it though… It’s just one part.
🙂
Yeah, I don’t think I’d be making my broken heart. I’d make a big penis and smash is flat or something. I would probably get kicked out of art class- I never do what I am “supposed” to do. But isn’t that the point of art?
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