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Teri I made a big penis and stabbed it with knives – there are no rules and it was the most fun one can have while honoring being fucked over:) I am writing the play…art imitates life no?
Daisy and Bev – harness all of that fear or art and with your fearless “dont fuck with me ever again” philosophy and you will be in at the MOMA in no time…you could title it ‘what the dick-ens?’
meg, thanks for your share. this struck me deeply:
now that I know what I want to do the rage and fear do not help me.
i don’t know what i think about it yet, expect that it literally jumped off the screen at me.
thank you for your beautiful post.
Hi Z,
I can understand your wanting to find someone with your Christian values. I also understand that you may have a great deal of spiritual hope due to those values, which is a good thing.
But I also think the sister know what they are talking about. Just look at so many women who are and have gone through this and have tried, over and over and over again. I don’t think it’s up to you to SAVE your marriage. I think that is up to the SA in a sense.
I am christian too. I called Minwalla- and let me tell you- the man is very smart, wise, kind, and well frank and honest too.
He has a very Christian way about him because he is vey compassionate and definitely not in a phony sense. I got the feeling that he really does care an the listens and really thinks.I also liked him because he knows so much. He answered a lot of my questions and had answers to many things I haven’t had other therapist understand or even know about. He also is liberal in ways- and I found that to be helpful honestly. Because you better alive that if anyone is going to tell you there is hope or isn’t it would be him. I think it’s because he just works with so many people.
So I hope that helps.
Thank you Meg. I don’t know you at all. I am a newbie still. And suffering since Spring.
I am converted to ISH for sure now. I will do whatever it takes to get there. Whether it be for me, or a couples intensive or send his ass there. (I may go along for the shopping….it is Beverly Hills ladies. 😉 )
I am filled with emotion tonight.
My husband and I have been doing not too bad for two weeks, tonight a conversation that started off innocent enough, turned ugly. He ended up back to his old SA ways and blamed ME for his problems. That I am not perfect….I asked for a specific example, he had a hard time coming up with one…..then he said,’ how about when we had our son and you were crazy with post partem, and I had to worry about you so much and do so much….you wanted to run away’ I stood there with my mouth open…..and I then thru gritted teeth said…’.you fucking bastard….you are gonna try and pin fucking 40 ugly whores becaue I suffered from a severe medical condition 20 fucking years ago…..when I clearly needed meds????? I am the best mother I know….I love and would die for my cubs. So fuck you and your pathetic excuses.’
What I really don’t think he liked is how I said I would be totally fine and ok, if this doesn’t work….I am getting stronger each day and will not tolerate his bullshit anymore.They will pluck anything out of the past to justify or divert from their sick penis activities. Mine said in MC that one of the ways I “mistreated” him was when I got an irregular heartbeat on a road trip and he had to take me to the ER one night. Also when I found out about the whores, I woke up crying and he told the shrink he tried to sleep in the same bed with me but just couldn’t put up with me making noises like an animal.
You’re not perfect and THAT was his example? Postpartum depression? He had to DO SO MUCH after you GAVE BIRTH!!!
Selfish much?
Oh yeah, without him you’ll be fine, just fine, better off, in fact. You gave birth and then troubled him to worry about you too much, dear God, I think I’ve heard it all now.
No kidding. That was his big example…..oh that and one xmas I came out frustrated in my bathrobe because I asked him several fucking times to just add a string of lights on the house for it to look even. He said I was crazy. Whatever.
He also said I am an angry person…..even before finding out about his years of porn and M and then 40 plus whores…..he said I am very passionate and protective which makes me angry. Um, ya, if you hurt my family or my kids I will kill you. Does that make it alright to go hire a 19 year old prostitute for a blow job…..without a condom????
He said I never asked permission to go away on my little girls trips (which were so cheap I cant even tell you….and I have gone on like 5 in 21 years) I just TELL him I am going.
Um, does he fucking forget that the deal was because I had to put up with being home alone weekends on end, because he was fulfilling his rock star dreams, playing in bars all over the city, that I got to get away for a little girl time once and awhile……didn’t know that was A BIG selfish act on my part. He can go fuck off. What a fucking jerk. The more I sit here and think about his 3 lame excuses I could strangle him. Cheating fuck.and while I am at it…..I got hit on a zillion times by men on these girls trips….but because I was soooooo in love with my own husband….I would be very irriatated and tell them to go away. Plus, I really am not that type of wife. The day I fuck another man…..it will be when we are divorced. That’s how I roll. Right now….Id rather get off on a good vibrator and a bottle of wine. Fuck men. All of them.
March is right, SD. Is he supposedly in recovery? You can write that off. He’s gaslighting and not all originally. I’ve heard almost exactly the same crap. It is infuriating.
As a Christian minister, you might expect that I would be all “gung-ho” with the programs that have a Christian base. But unfortunately it seems that the Christian faith is most often used as a screen in front of what has been going on. The emphasis on “the marriage” is misplaced, and represent the institutional conforming anxiety that is always predicated by the sacrifice of the woman as a full human being with an experience, needs, and a life to be honoured as holy.
The “problem with the problem” of sexually compulsive behaviour includes addressing the real question of whether there ever was a true covenant of marriage in place. Did these men actually take vows they could keep, or did they already know they couldn’t or wouldn’t, but were comfortable taking a chance with our lives and our vows. Hoping they could keep them does not make a marriage before God.
In these so called Christian programs, there is also a tendency to treat the presenting symptoms of the sexually compulsive behaviour as “episodic” as opposed to “systemic”. That is to say treating them like isolated incidents that can be treated in isolation instead of what they almost always are–indications of the larger disorder(s) that drives the person all the time. These disorders actually make these men incapable of healthy mutuality to love, honour, and cherish. It’s very tragic, and these men need serious help. But instead, when the focus is on keeping the marriage together, all of this is carefully sidestepped, and the wife’s longing for her marriage and her willingness to embrace pain and suffering in order to “save” it becomes the “enabler” for the treatment model that is incompetent to achieve real results.
In more simple terms I have been saying for four years that no one’s healing can be built upon injustice done or harm inflicted upon another person. That is how I view these programs—men’s so-called healing is built upon fundamental injustice and harm done to women.
To call these things Christian is to simply align the model with the social goals to refrain from treating women as real people, and to refrain from holding men accountable for the consequences to others of their actions.
The superficial results of these model are evidences in the ongoing non-mutuality in marriage relationships that is affirmed as success, and in case like “Jeff” who quite stunningly still exhibits his systemic narcissism disorder in abuse, gaslighting, entitlement, and the refusal to be accountable for his actions.
IMO
Diane.oh diane, i just want to curl up and listen to you speak. you so get it! your opinion is my opinion – but so much more eloquently stated! what an amazing woman you are. i am so blessed to “know” you.
Well…thats what I learned in theology. That a marriage isn’t a marriage if important information is withheld from one party. Also, a marriage isn’t valid if one party is engaging in behaviour that makes the marriage impossible. I think fucking other people and not fucking you pretty much qualifies the whole charade as just that. And yes….she is a Goddess.
Yay Diane. Very well said. This is the very reason Heart to Heart didn’t work out for me. They thought there was something wrong with the women who refused to be called codependent. By finally admitting you were codependent meant you were getting better in your recovery. I see it also as a great big moneymaker. Their motto should be “we will help all perverted husbands who have managed to ruin their marriage due to their stupidity and ridiculous obsession with their penises. This will be done by breaking apart everything your spouse feels, including trauma, and helping her to believe your bad behavior is partly her fault. You will only have to pay _________$$$$ to us. We will brainwash your partner that you are sick and need help. We will also brainwash her to take responsibility for her part in your penis activity issues.”
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