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Today, last year I asked him to leave. Today, my decree nisi is pronounced and I spend a very expensive hour with a very expensive lawyer talking money.
This time last year – he said our future was bleak. Now I dont feel bleak just very very different. I picked my son up this afternoon and just feel very very betrayed and angry. still. why should I feel like that because I have God, my children and have just about kept my dignity. I have zero money. I am getting more in debt everyday with the divorce process etc. I had a real stress out at my parents last week and told them in no uncertain terms what I thought of their interfering in my life and have damaged the already fragile relationship with my mother.
Half of me feels completely distraught at what I;ve lost and the other half is elated.
Does SA in a partner turn the wife schizophrenic? I certainly feel it some days.
I guess somedays I just want the life back I had before his addiction really dug in. There must have been a point when we were blissfully happy or we wouldnt have stayed together beyond courting right?
But equally, I just want this over so I can pick myself up and carry on but I have to see him becaause of our son – and so the torture feels like it continues. Why cant i just detach fully?
I really thought I had it sussed. This is just crap. I nearly wrote I wish it were someone else and not me, and then I realised I dont think I would wish this on my worst enemy. Not even the hookers my husband said he needed. Why does he call them working girls? Do you know – in his disclosure to me he said he didnt enjoy it, especially when he got bad service… so why the fuck did you do it when you had a wife who loved you at home and enjoyed pleasing you?
Why even now – even 6 years after seeing him have cybersex with someone, four years after he said he really doesnt respect me, three years after I got arrested when he hit me, 1 year after he said my life was crap and my future bleak and I told him to piss off does it still fucking hurt so much when I look at him?
Why do I still think I may have done the wrong thing when its quite clear he is still a selfish controlling bastard?
Ladies be clear. If you do go for a divorce, get yourselves a bloody good lawyer because I know that if I didnt have mine I would get screwed over because I just dont have the stomach for any more trauma. I am paying the lawyer to have that stomach.
I dont know if I feel better or not – I feel perhaps I shouldnt rant and try to “live in the solution” but I get scared by these feelings – they are so alive in me right now.
Thanks for listeningOh jos,
You just rant as much as you want. Go ahead, let it all out. Say what you feel, talk about your doubts–it’s okay. We hear you.
I know it’s so hard now, but trust me, a year from now you will look back and smile. I promise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So just know that we are all here for you and you can count on us.
We love you.
Dear Jos, So sorry you’re having a rough time. Remember how far you’ve come – you’re in the home stretch so hang in there! Love, Liza
Dear Jo,
Tears dropped from my eyes after reading your post. The complexities and complications are overwhelming at times. Overwhelming seems like an understatement! You have shared many things with him and there will probably be some attachment pain for a while. Grief, anger, sadness at what could have been, regret, rage…all mixed together at whatever time it wants to mix and show itself…whether we are alone, with family, at work…it is oh so difficult.
I for one and I know many other sisters are very proud of you. You have said, “Enough is enough; I will not allow you to treat me like I am worthless.” You have dignity…it is so beautiful. I contrast that with my undignified days of crying, pleading, and begging like a starved crazy dog to get my husband to hear me…those days are changing for me for sure, but back to you. You have such dignity. You are showing him how women are to be treasured. You are a role model to others who endure abuse, but think this is all they deserve. So many mothers have kept a family together with total mistreatment such as yours and hurt their children by doing it. You are teaching your son what is acceptable; later in life he will understand how a women is to be treated.
You are in the trenches. I heard there are some divorce recovery groups or just counseling or free support groups that can help a lot. Hopefully, 6 months from now, your pain will be turned to more joy.
I love you. B. Trayed
Hi Jos,
Your feelings today sound very raw and rightfully so. It’s an anniversary day and they are painful reminders. I think sometimes we feel split about our sa is we really loved who we thought they were. They all have attributes we loved about them and some fond memories of the good times. For me, the bad outweighed the good, the uncertainty, lack of trust, the actions not matching words, the rug getting pulled out, these wouldn’t support any relationship, let alone a marriage. It’s very hard and painful. Thinking of you!
Love, NapDear Jos,
Now you listen to me, Dear Girl, NOTHING he said has any merit. He knows NOTHING about you. He knows NOTHING about what you are worth and he knows NOTHING about your life or what it is going to be? My husband is here singing the same song “it wasn’t very good because it wasn’t real….?” WTF So it took you 4 years of hookers and your wife lying in the bed beside you and you still were not “getting it”!!!!!!!!!! They get it Jos…they get it just fine? They simply do NOT like you getting it? Now….you have got it and you keep going with it? I would let them cut off my right hand to be 40 again and you can still make a new life? Personally, my kids are all in their 20’s….and I have made it abundantly clear that if he is ANY way tries to hurt or dupe one of them again…I will KILL him on the spot. Interestingly enough…he knows I am dead serious. I wish your son did NOT have to be near him because I cannot see what a whore using pervert has to offer a child…maybe that is just me? For you….as was said…you are in the home stretch, Jos. Do NOT faulter now because the life you deserve is waiting for you…Trust God Jos…..he knows what you need to do next. Karen xxNo pain, no gain!!! And think of all you have to gain by dismissing this disrespectful, disloyal, controlling, entity out of your life!!
Jos, we understand, we really do! I am in the middle of a nasty divorce right this minute. My discoveries proved my entire marriage to be fraudulent. My SA is a selfish, narcissistic, jackass. He knows all the tricks. We are currently still in the same house and I want to throw up every time I look at him. Sometimes we’re pleasant to each other and other times we barely manage a murmur, (or grunt from him). I am looking at every which way to screw him in the divorce process. Like everyone, I am angry, bitter, still shocked, sick, repulsed, and a host of other things.
Then, tonight, on the drive home from a very pleasant evening out, I heard a song on the radio, a new song. Yeah, I’m a country music fan, so it was one of those whiney, sad, love songs, but still…. Very slowly, a couple of tears trickled out. I surprised myself. I don’t even like this guy anymore, let alone Love him. Why the tears? But as Nap, B, Karen and the others summed it up, it’s just not going to be easy. Period. I think B once said, divorce is taking something that was joined as one, and pulling it apart into two pieces. Ouch. It’s bound to hurt and it does. 🙁
Thank God for texting (at a red light of course) because within seconds, I had Zumba on the other end of my phone, sending me comfort and validation and well, just letting me know she’s there, she cares, and she understands. And THAT, my friend, is what the sisterhood is all about. (Thank you, my life saver, JoAnn Russell!!)Sorry, for talking about myself, but the point is, I think it’s normal to have these feelings, recognize them, feel them, and let them pass. I can’t wait for you to post exactly one year from now and tell us how you are feeling by then! 🙂
And remember, you said you wished you could go back to when your SA’s addiction hadn’t really “dug in”. That would mean, he would STILL have it, but it wouldn’t have completely disrupted your life as it did when he was in full swing. You deserve better than that, Jos, we all do! You deserve to be with someone “whole” who will respect you and love you and treat you for the lady and wonderful mother that you are!
Thinking of you often! Hang on tight! You did the right thing and it will be over soon enough! Great things lie ahead for you and we can’t wait to see what they are!! XOXO!!!!!
lovely post SL! Yes….I can be undone by a country love song…afterall…I loved him most fo my adult life? I thought we were a love song and so did everyone who knew us. I don’t know how you can feel anything but grief when your entire life is turned upside down…… 🙁 I used to have many fantasies about him dying. I think that is natural after such betrayal and MANY divorced people have said it would have been easier if their spouse died…there is a certain finality in death whereas this SA or PD stuff just seems to go on and on. Hang Tight Jos! Karen xx
Dear Jos,
It will always hurt. Not this much, though.
When I told my church Board about my marriage collapse (not about the SA) an older women invited me to her house for dinner. She had been divorced, late in life after many many years of marriage, and then found love the love of her life and married a second time. Then he died of cancer. She told me she wanted me to know the divorce was harder on her than the death of the man she truly loved. She said she couldn’t tell people that because it sounded like she loved the man she divorced more than the man who died, and this wasn’t true. But in terms of the cost to her personally, the divorces was much much worse.
So deep breath. Press on. Don’t give up. Don’t give in.
love,
Diane.
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