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Hi,
My husband is in month 7 of recovery. I still have my doubts and bad days. He pretty much ignored his business and lost 200,000 dollars due to his porn/sex addiction. I caught him after his first person on person encounter while he was looking for another. In counseling he said he didn’t think he was hurting anyone, as long as I didn’t know. Or that porn was cheating or jacking off to porn is cheating. Why do men think that way. At least the dr set him strait. I made a list of rules and spelled out stuff, so there is no questions. He tells me he leaves the computer when he feels any weird thoughts (I monitor everything in the house) he has never once went to a questionable site.
Our dr’s program has us talk about it openly and has me question him whenever and he is never defensive or angry about it. I just want it to be real and am having weird thoughts about testing him in different ways. Have any of you set your addict up with emails or texts or people??? How did that work for you. I don’t want to trigger something that wasn’t there.
Hi imth,
I personally wouldn’t ‘set up’ anyone. I wouldn’t monitor either. These men know right from wrong and if they truly want to stop they will. I’m divorced I should add. However, I wouldn’t want a warden prisioner kind of marriage. Marriage is mutual trust, love, and respect. If I don’t trust someone I don’t want to be married to them.You can set me up with the greatest guy in the world and I wouldn’t cheat. You cannot trigger something that isn’t there.
You want to test him because you do not trust him. You do not trust him because he cheated on you.
I would set him up if I felt like it and I wouldn’t think anything about it. He blew the whole “this is what marriage is supposed to look like ” thing anyway.
The “antsy” feeling you have is trying to tell you something. That is your gut talking. I don’t know what it is but I wouldn’t ignore it.
I’m with Bev that you can’t trigger a man who is faithful into being one of these serial jerks.
Never tried to set him up. I found so many dating profiles and emails, texts and calls to various prostitutes and courtesans when he was scheduled for work travel that he minimalized and rationalized that it was clear I could have pics of him having sex with another woman and he would swear it was a body double.
The hope that one day you’ll know the truth 100%, and you can feel you know what to expect, so you can trust again is soooooo strong. I suppose it was aversion therapy (being shown what you crave and then subjected to a shocking awful experience so that it becomes less and less desirable by association), but I kicked that hope habit.
I never monitored, either. Told him I wouldn’t babysit a grown man. We’ve been separated a year, and I”m filing for divorce when I get the funds.
I have just have a hard time believing he can turn off the compulsion that easy. He was doing the Adult Friend Finder thing and online sex talk for years before and after he met me. I just wonder if they trade computer porn for other forms of porn. We are going on a long time in the car this weekend and I’m going to probe him.
I monitor once in a while now , but he knows its there, some of you say your men do it anyway knowing that….I have never trusted any man fully……..he is a man after all : /
Probably because being a cheating asshole is not a compulsion. It’s just fun and he felt like doing it ( think teenagers driving 90 mph in a 45 mph zone).
He got caught.He does not like the consequences so he stopped. For now….
I’m a big believer in gut feelings, too.
How are you monitoring? Does he have a smart phone?
Didn’t someone set up their SA on Craig’s List or something and then met him in a parking lot (or had a friend?), and he laughed and said he knew it was her all along?
I would not encourage setting him up unless you are preparing to do something really serious with the setup – i.e. use it to legally separate, divorce, get primary custody of your children. There is usually a trail of evidence fueling your gut feeling you just haven’t found it yet – after I discovered the first video that he had taken of a prostitute the trail of evidence wasn’t difficult to follow – I had no desire to check up on him before and I have no desire to be in a relationship where I have to do that – I pursued the trail to let him know that he wasn’t fooling me. Once you see how stupid their trail of evidence is you can do nothing but cringe – I was never a snooper and that did not make me naive – but boy when my gut was fired it was never wrong – trust your gut and get out of your head – your head will try to talk you out of what your body already knows – the heart is the true brain of the body – Meg
Liza that statement meant I have never met a man who has not betrayed me….my father, every boyfriend or male friends since childhood…I don’t trust the gender… that doesn’t mean I don’t want a relationship with one…. I also hold a grudge forever and don’t forgive easily, that doesn’t make his life any better, but who cares how he feels.
My husband also knows I hold his secrets and the paperwork to destroy him in his children and family and neighbors eyes. To him reputation is everything.
His problems snowballed after his parents died and the two people he still felt he had to answer to where gone.
If he screws up I will leave and take more than money with me, his standing in the community and life will be tarnished…..maybe revenge seems petty, but everyone will know why I left. But, he knew that when he agreed to treatment and a condition of my staying here. There will be no more chances…….AS I write this is sounds like I am really unhappy and hate him, but I don’t, that is how screwed up this crap is.
Have everyone of your men lapsed at some point???? If so I am just biding my time and covering my butt.
I set mine up. That was me Teri. I answered a Craigslist ad after he promised he would stop forever. I got him to agree to meet “me” for sex. My friend went to the parking lot and he was there. When I told him, he said he knew it was me all along but did I want him out of the house by the time I got home? I should have said yes, but at that time I said no. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT MAYBE HE DID THINK IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME. Funny, what blinders I had on. I’m out now. It was the best decision I ever made.
I set him up because I had his password to his fake email account and I saw he posted an ad on facebook, so I found the ad and responded to it with a fake email account of my own. I know what kind of thing he was looking for so I found a fake picture and then I got him. Hook, line and sinker. But it was heartbreaking and horrible and I had all the evidence I needed before, but I did it anyway. I wouldn’t recommend it. It was so awful. AND I still didn’t leave at that point. So ask yourself, what’s your Laststraw? Would you leave if you caught him red handed? Would that be the final thing? For me, it obviously wasn’t. It just caused more hurt. I was torturing myself. It only stopped when I finally did leave.Imth – let me offer a perspective different than some of the other sisters – I wish that I could say that I haven’t monitored my h. or haven’t spent hours doing detective work to figure out what he was up to but I have. I just couldn’t seem to stop myself with being hypervigilant b/c my gut knew that he was not telling me the true. And the hypervigilance “paid off” b/c I found things that told me he was lying to me (money trail, chat history to strippers, etc.) I still have issues with the hypervigilance and he’s been out of the house for over a month but I’m working on trying to break that habit. So, I really understand your desire to try to “catch him”. I’ve thought about setting him up but I never have b/c every time, I think “that would just be stooping to his level” and I just can’t do it. Plus, I’m creeped out by who might respond or who I might be emailing and what I’ll hear back from them. And like LastStraw, if you go down that route you have to be prepared to take action. Otherwise, what’s the point? You’ll know what he’s up to but then you will just continue on living the way you have been?
Anyway, to echo what Bev said, your gut is telling you something is off. I would not trust a word that comes out of his mouth. These guys have proven to be liars and damn good ones…it is fool-hardy to believe they are telling the truth. And, where there is a will there is a way. If he is addicted to porn and not in treatment, he’ll find other ways to get his fix. Book stores, dvds, iphones, whatever. That is the crux with this “disease” – there is always some other way to get the fix.
Sorry that you are in this shitty situation like the rest of us!
Trust your intuition, basically. I cringe to read through my journals and what he gave me and match them up because I said to his face, before I ever even suspected this, twice, that I thought when we were making love he was thinking about someone else. I was absolutely DEAD ON target. He had emailed, sexted, and been online with his whores THAT DAY before he came to bed!! And he waited until I went to bed and went BACK to them at 3am.
Again, I would never would have dreamed he was doing those things. I thought maybe he was attracted to someone at work. I just felt the feeling that any woman can name once she’s felt it once. Sadly, most of us have felt it enough to know when we are being used as a stand in for the “fantasy”. Even when we didn’t KNOW with intellectual knowledge and proof what was happening to us, we knew at the core of ourselves we were being betrayed.
Mine lapsed in three different treatment centers. He’s on his fourth and said he has no desire to lapse anymore. WTF? He nursed his lust for his whores all through our marriage and claimed when he was caught he didn’t want them at all, and I’m all he ever desired. So… I don’t have a hell of a lot of faith in what he says he desires. I have no faith in treatment programs, for him, either. I have no faith in any of it, or him, now.
Sigh
🙁
the overall loss is just astronomical
Except when we gain ourselves back, and escape the lies
My going rate for the complete whore outfit is 150hr, red panties, matching bra included. Give me one hr with him and I’ll have him folded up like a crappy broken down lawn chair.
Just kidding but yes, I feel like I set up my husband twice with eblaster and then having a GPS tracking device installed on his vehicle. At the time I did it because I wanted to see what all he was viewing/doing online. I only found that he viewed porn sites. No secret emails, chatting, paid sites, etc.
In hindsight, it was a test I suppose, since he was claiming he hadn’t done anything but my porn-dar (similar to gay-dar) was at level red.
He failed both of them.
He viewed porn actresses even tho I had XXX watch (covenant eyes) on his iPhone as a browser replacement. He tried to lie about what my weekly alerts sent me. Hence the GPS tracker I had put on a couple months later.
They will lie no doubt.
Because they can.
That is so scary. I just found out 4 weeks ago today that my husband was addicted to online porn. We are married 15 years. He erased all internet history and preferences were set to “never remember history” which was my red flag. I eventually found “cookies” in the browser with porn sites. He claims he never has done anything else. But I am so shocked that I don’t really believe him. WE have NetNanny enabled on the computer and kindles have parent controls. Crazy life, painful.
If he is truly addicted then he is an addict and you cannot trust an addict until he/she gets help. If he is not an addict then he is a cheating piece of shit. I guess there is help for that too.
Take your time and get the info. Read the POSARC site. There is a lot of “porn addiction” info.
It sucks and I am sorry.
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