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Hi dear sisters!
Just wanted to send you an update amidst the college-getting-ready and general summer-with-teens craziness!
Basically, I’ve had a real shift within myself ever since talking to my SA about divorce and working on heading in that direction. (This may be a process that takes awhile, keeping the needs of the kids in mind, but that’s ok.)
Anyway, a few months ago, I reconnected on facebook with a male friend from college. We were real buddies at the time (more than 25 years ago!) He is in the middle of a divorce, and I would bet my life that his wife is a female SA. He found gross emails to another guy, sexting, you name it. Anyways, over the past couple of months, we’ve rebuilt an amazing friendship, with texting, emails and phone calls. This common bond of our awful spouses has definitely been a springboard (and a Silver Lining, so to speak?)
I haven’t had any real hopes of anything long term in a romantic sense, as he lives about 700 miles away. Even so, he’s been sweeter, kinder, and more complimentary to me in 2 months than I think my SA has been in 20+ years. And that’s been good for me. It’s been good to see the rut I’ve been in.
That being said, we did talk about me coming to visit him where he lives in North Carolina (near the ocean–my Nirvana!!)It’s just been fun to think about and plan, even though I didn’t think it would be a reality anytime soon. Well, after my divorce talk with SA a couple of weeks ago, he’s been as nice as could be—of course!!! So, I decided to capitalize on his good mood, and I told him I wanted to go visit a friend in NC. I did not tell him a male friend. In fact, I alluded to it being Silver Lining–said that we were meeting up–and she covered my tracks. Is this deceitful? Absolutely. Do I feel guilty? Let’s put it this way. Even up until 6 months ago, I would have. But he’s done nothing in recent months to work on recovery except a bare minimum of one hour of therapy a month. And while this may be justification, I just couldn’t say where I was going for the sake of the kids. I had to have a story and stick to it. I know many of you may disagree with this, and I totally understand!! I will take my verbal slappings.
Well, the weekend was wonderful. It was a combination of reliving old memories and creating new ones. We laughed, talked and talked, and even cried some. I went to see his parents. His dad is dying of cancer, and it was really touching to be able to see them at this time.
Ok, and here’s the part that may really be controversial. We were physically intimate. And you know what: it was wonderful. I was with someone who worried MORE about how the consequences would affect ME than about himself. It was beautiful and special, and I don’t regret it for one moment. It also showed me that my husband is not so great as a lover–pretty selfish, esp. in recent years. And while that’s not the most important thing in life, I know that I want and deserve real love. I want to show my kids that this shitty horrible relationship is not what life is all about.
So there you have it. Of course, my SOS sisters are the only ones I can tell about this, and I’m so grateful for that. I love you all dearly.xoxo,
ZGYou won`t get any slaps from me!! I am so jealous and envious I can`t even be nice about it 🙂
Do whatever it takes but take something for you!!I am proud of you…even though I hate you right now 🙂
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHOOOOPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am laughing and crying and cheering all at the same time!
I love you soooooooooooo much Julie.
It’s always easier to go through the hell of a divorce if you can see the rainbow at the other side.
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful metamorphosis with us. Now spread those beautiful wings and fly!
Love and hugs ~ JoAnn
Don’t be TOO jealous. It’s also hard to take that step and then be so far away again from “bf” (for lack of a better term). But I’m trying to take every good positive thing that came from it. Thank you for being proud of me AND hating me, lol! 🙂
Thank you, JoAnn!!! Wow, you gave ME tears and chills from you post back. I love you sooooo much too!!!
Dear julie,
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing and I am ABSOLUTELY THRILLED for you. SL must be grinning from ear to ear. Get yoursefl out of that hell u call a marriage and on with your life ?? You see, apparently the fucker didn’t hang the moom after all. 😉
Zumba’s ALL growed up and I’m as proud of her as can be! 😉 If you ever, and I mean EVER feel a twinge of guilt, just recall the horror of finding your fucking (hopefully soon-to-be) ex’s sex tapes. That should get you right back in your groove, ‘Stella’.
I think it’s wonderful to get a taste of what life can be with a kind and loving partner! I am jealous too! It gives us hope that there is life after 45 (my age, not sure yours) when i am sure there isn’t. I think there are no rules when it comes to these individual situations. You should do what it takes to make you feel good given everything you must have been through and going through.
Kudos to you!
Jules,
I turned 48 in July. I’m beginning to think there absolutely is hope! And just ask these ladies where I was only a year ago. I think I’m going to be ok. And that means we can ALL be ok!!And thank you, Liza and Karen, two of my biggest supporters. (And yup, you’re right about SL!!)
I’m so glad you got to feel that flutter in your heart again. Tell us about the first kiss, was it awkward or did it just happen naturally? Such a sweet story.
Take it slow, girl. Enjoy the moments and love yourself knowing that you ARE the lovable person you always knew you were. You DO deserve better.
So very happy for you.
Much love, Claire
Zumba – I am sooooo happy for you. Keep running toward that rainbow, hun. Maybe even other rainbows.
When is the divorce final?
I am trying very hard to get our family to Wilmington, NC. – out of the rat race of the Bay Area. My friend in fact, took my tip and is moving there in a few weeks.
Deb
ZG, how absolutely great!
Navigating life after an SA/compulsive has run you over means you have to find your core and live out of that sense of what is the good thing for you, the live-giving way that will restore you to yourself. That’s what i believe. That’s what you have had to the courage to do.
Who knows what will come. Maybe nothing more, but look how much you have already gained! You were made for love and now you’ve gone out and got yourself some! Bravo.
And yes, I too discovered what making love was REALLY about, after I found someone else for my life.
All that matters is that you have taken responsibility for your own life, and you’ve made a decision that was good for you. See, you can do it!
HOld steady. Feel your own heart. Know your own mind, Trust your own soul. You are spectacular.
lots of love
Diane.ZG,
Sounds so romantic, good for you! Life is full of surprises. I’m so happy you went and really lived and enjoyed yourself.
Love, NapI wish I could just KISS you for-real! So happy that you got to feel adored and appreciated, and that you got to enjoy your body the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed–in a mutual, respectful, sweet union. Fuck that asshole who once called himself a husband.
Amen Sista’s!!!! I’m so proud I could bust!!!! 🙂
PS- FYI, she snuck me a few pics and her new BF (ha ha) is HOT!!!!!
Love,
The Alibi…..
Julie, the happiness in your post is so transparent, it made me happy
Your post is making me rethink my position 🙂
You are awesome and beautiful and deserve happiness and loveJulie, there is just one downside to all of this. You have to find a way to hide that luminous glow that I’m sure is emanating from you like a beacon in the night.
Just try not to smile too much. 😉
~ JoAnn
You sisters are the best! I thought for sure I’d get a few well-justified slaps! I never ever thought I would justify cheating in any way. But I’ve come to realize that things aren’t so black and white. I just knew that if I could have even a few minutes of something real and special, I was not going to feel guilty. As far as I’m concerned, my husband “left” me long ago.
I still can’t believe I did it. Even the long 14 hour trip from Central NY to southern North Carolina was a huge deal. (Flying was costly, and I thought the drive might be good thinking time. And you know what, just doing that made me feel good.)
CB, to answer your question, that first kiss (so awesome) was not awkward at all. We were sitting close, watching tv. Then he had his hand on my knee for awhile, which was so comfortable and natural. I’m sure being friends helped all of that feel comfortable, at least for me. Then our heads were close and we both turned toward each other at the same time, and the rest is history. It really was sweet.
Deb, I don’t know when the divorce will be final. We’ve barely begun. So far, he is on the same page as me, wanting to do things the right, civil way for the kids. If that attitude continues, I’d be happy. I know how these guys can get, so believe me, I’m not counting on that, and I have to be smart. But that would be nice, for sure.
HelenReddy, I’ll see what I can find out! 😉Love you all so much! I’m so grateful I have you all to share this with.
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