A break from the subject of Addiction

Hi Everyone-
I just finished catching up on posts. I took a break from S.O.S. and addiction in general-just, for some reason, got fed up with the subject. I wonder why!
Steve pulled some pa tricks. First, he started going to my church, and then he installed E-Blaster on his computer. We have had to talk frequently because of finances and my attorney dragging her feet in getting this final addendum to the post nump. Now she says she will have it drawn up and ready to sign by the end of the month. Thank God or somebody!
Anyway, I was totally frustrated by all of this, because I have to kind of remain amiable with Steve for the sake of my Alimony.
One day, it just hit me. Before we moved into the house in the country, I found 3 old VCR tapes of his while packing. He told me they were old vacation tapes. Of course my suspicious mind thought different, I took the tapes and put them in my dresser drawer in the spare bedroom. When I got back to my Condo, I found they were missing. I finally asked him why they didn’t make it with me to the Condo. He fessed up and told me he took them out and threw them away the night (Bet me!!) before I moved. He first admitted one of them was porn, (A Jerry Springer stripper video-how high class can you get) and then said maybe two of them were. The interesting thing about all of this is that for the past 3 yrs. I couldn’t figure the connection between his d/s fat lady porn, and objectifying young thin women. These tapes were of thin stripper’s with big boobs-of course. So, all of this time, he made me think his addiction was the porn, but now admitted it is thin women, with big ones.) He probably thought I would be less offended by fat women than thin ones. SO, just one more lie up until the day I moved out.
My reason for telling all of this is that we will never know everything these guys have done. The lies never stop, and they only reveal enough to make us think they are being truthful with us.
Now, he is trying to reel me back in by telling me he is now ready to give me a total disclosure of everything he has ever done – YA, Right. Too late!! He is pulling out all stops-even told me he is not going to see his dtr. this week when she comes to town, because he realizes he needs to avoid all trigger areas until he is further down the road with his recovery. Of course, he has been over at his sisters a couple of times. If he was serious about this, he wouldn’t have put himself in that position.
SO, another message to you all is they will do anything to save the relationship/marriage.
I think if anything validated my decision more, it was learning he has been into young thin women porn, as well.
Just to show you how distorted the SA’s thinking is-Those tapes were discovered 2 yrs. ago and sat on a shelf at both houses. He had every opportunity to throw them away and disclose, but chose to wait until he knew I was going to take them to the Condo and watch them. (He doesn’t have a VCR anymore). He went into the spare bedroom and got into one of my dresser drawer’s and took them-Said he threw them away. Probably another lie.
Am I hooked back in? NO WAY. Do I think he is serious about change? NO WAY. I can’t control him coming to our church, but I can control the spyware. I took it off my computer. He was dumb enough to tell me the pw he used.
I think I have said many times that I have always felt Steve wants to change, but can’t. Now, I feel he really wants to hold onto the addiction. It is a conscious choice to lie, and he never tells the fucking truth.
Artemis-I read your post about whether about the measure of a man’s character. Definitely appliess to addicts!! They have none.
Deb-Your reference to the site talking about: Have they given you a heartfelt apology? Have you seen a behavior change? (I would add consistent change over a long period of time) Has the SA shown transparency. I have to wonder how many of us can answer yes to all 3 of those statements. I sure can’t.
JoAnn-I love your story about Larry. Hang himself and then shoot himself??? That would be a classic!!
Love to you all. I have missed you.
I’m ready to get back in the saddle and not let the subject of Addiction take a tole on me again. I think we all need a “Time Out” once in awhile.