- This topic has 17 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
This may seem petty…
For a certain period of time my husband used a medical excuse to “get out” of having sex with me. This came up in conversation today. He has NO MEMORY of it. I believe him too. I truly believe that he doesn’t remember the lie. Lies are so much harder to remember than the truth.
He said, “now there’s a slap of reality… things got to the point I actually did that? That’s fucked up”
He thinks it was a slap for HIM.
I felt quite slapped. You made me feel worthless and you don’t even remember??? The sting from that sent me for a loop.
Yes, mine “forgot” all kinds of cruelties. And like your guy, mine was more interested in himself that what he had actually said or done to me.
That’s another horrible part of all this–that they don’t remember the cruelties. If they don’t REMEMBER them, how can they be SORRY about them? If they don’t REMEMBER them to be remorseful for them, how can we trust that they won’t REPEAT them?!
KS,
That’s just pitiful, and typical. All roads lead back to them, right? Those triggers, or the “stings”–the little things that can send you right back to “go” can come out of nowhere.
That sad part is I don’t think they do remember. His surprise was the most authentic answer you might get. Ugh.
Mine did the same thing when his ex would text him. Suddenly he had amnesia…never could recall one text she sent unless I was there when it came in….ughhhh.
I think mine really remembered. It was ‘convenient’ to forget and not remember (gaslighting). My xh is too cunning not to remember and I think “he doesn’t remember” on purpose. It’s all part of their mindf*ck.
Mine has amnesia about sex w me but w a different twist. He wanted to have sex w me all of the time ( although not w me really, he just wanted an orgasm). The twist is his amnesia on how often we had sex. After d day he tried at one point to explain his thought process about acting out bc we had gone almost a year without having sex. He actually believed it (to be fair he may have said 6 months, I can’t remember). Except for the 6 weeks post partum no sex, we never went more than two weeks without having sex our entire marriage. I know this bc he always made me feel like shit about our sex life. Either it was not often enough or when we had it often i wasn’t in to it enough. I was hyper aware of how much sex we had our entire marriage. Such an asshole
I guess their problem w measurement is not limited to penis sizeThis is such a simple one, March. They are not sorry and you cann’t trust them. Jesus…they lie habitually ladies. What part of that don’t you understand?
When I try to bring up things my sa did his response is always, “yeah, I know I was such an ass but aren’t I doing so much better now? I’m a different man now” He doesn’t even want to hear it….
Answer:
“Yes, You were an ass,and you are being one now by dismissing my feelings again and talking about yourself.”
Dear Kim,
With all the shifts you recognize within yourself, for good and for not so good, what do you think you need in order to heal and engage life with some of that special “kim-ness” that only you bring to this world?We all live in stages of getting through and getting out. How do you recognize where you are now? As one of the sisters who remembers your arrival, I am wondering if you are at a ‘kairos” moment in your life. That’s a Greek word that means “crossroads, as in an opportunity when time and circumstance create/reveal a possibiity that we didn’t see before”. You just seem to have been so hard at work at recovery, at waiting, at struggling, at gaining insights. What is next for you, my dear?
with much care for you
Diane.Diane… your level of concern and care for those on this board never ceases to amaze me. Most of the time I feel like there isn’t a soul in the world that gives a shit to the answers to those questions.
Instead of traveling along a road, I feel like I am a really slow conveyer belt. As I move forward in my life, the crossroads move along with me. Since I am determined to stay together till the kids are grown, it allows for a 4 year campsite to be made in the middle.
I am studying away for the damn math assessment. I’m not worried about the reading or writing portions. (I just need to steer clear of words I can’t spell!) It’s the long forgotten algebra, trig and geometry that has been getting a serious refresher!
4 years at the crossroads also gives me time for school and to get myself in a position to better make that choice. Realistically, leaving isn’t a very good option. I am so virgo and practical.
It’d be nice to walk down one of those roads in spite of physically staying putting. I’m stuck emotionally. I’d love to throw myself into my marriage. And I spend hours contemplating my next step. I decide I’m going to just let go and take a leap of faith. And then I take one look at Zac and I cannot do it. So then I decide to make a permanent decision in my mind to keep our relationship practical and give up hope on ever having more. Then I take one look at Zac and can’t make that commitment either.
I am honestly rooted so deep in my indecision of what I need. What does Kim need? Kim needs to choose an emotional path and she is just NOT DOING IT.
One of the homework assignments in one of my many self help books was to list all the things, people and circumstances in your life that you are thankful for. From your comfy bed to your freedom. I filled both sides of the paper in three minutes. The second part was to list all the things concerning your spouse that you are grateful for. I filled that paper in three minutes too. His financial support, his amazing help when my health fails, that he is such a push over daddy to our girls. They pout and he melts. It’s cute.
It was painful not being able to add loyalty and honesty to that list.
The problem is that the list IS long. It’d be so much easier to chalk him up as an asshole and move on emotionally.
I am the poster child of life with a “recovering” sex addict. That it isn’t the wonderful thing some may think it is. All those wonderful character traits that Zac has are just not enough to help the healing of the hurt. As Jos said.. “can I put my hand on my heart and say he will not forsake me?’ The answer of no to that question is a powerful blow.
So I think what I need is emotional footing. How to I get it? Beats me. There was that therapist I was so excited about that I can’t afford. She has an assistant who charges half her price that I can afford every other week. So I think that is my next step.
In the meantime I continue on with life. Keep studying. Enroll my H, the girls and I in a summer bowling program. Get surgery next week. Keep planning our summer vacation. Keep doing Sunday dinners with my son and is g/f. Go to my other son’s gf’s untrasoud next week. My H and daughter just got a one year gym membership together. I’m working with the girls on redecorating their bedrooms. Life goes on as if nothing has changed.
Sorry for the rambling.
I`m glad you rambled Kim. I feel the same basic way but I have not been at it as long as you. I look at my kids and have the same strong emotions….
I have no answers but I do understand your feelings.
This is a ramble friendly site.
I can feel that “in betweeness” with so much of your life. It’s sounds like you are in a perfect storm of “in betweeness”. But I think you are actually getting somewhere. And one day you will be there, and know the next steps.
big hug and smacker kiss
D.Kim, my kids are daughter 14 (freshman) and son 12 (6th grade). I would dearly love for my daughter to finish high school without drama caused by this smut….
- The forum ‘Relationships’ is closed to new topics and replies.