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Almost 3 weeks post old beloved home sale. Feel kind of like a prisoner of war who has been released from HELL.
Giving myself time for my new reality to sink in. Feels like I don’t know who I am or how I got here. I used to be able to read, to study, to set goals and achieve them. I wanted to learn, to always be learning.
Now, what am I? A middle aged empty nester set adrift in a whole new life. Why? Because an imposter camouflaged himself and waltzed into my life and bed back in 1991.
How did he do it? In all the same ways the men in your life did, only maybe a little easier. He inherited some money that I never asked for an accounting of. OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIM. He could afford anything he wanted and nothing was ever questioned. So easy………
Now I say to myself, “Really, I don’t have to do….????XXXXX (email the BASTARD RAT, be the responsible one, do the work, talk to all the parties involved, explain things to neighbors, workers and realtors, pay bills, arrange for repairs, explain to my children what is happening to their childhood home, my crying bouts are over so what now? etc.,etc., etc.)
I will adjust. Just want everyone to know that when it is all over – the divorce, the splitting of property, final division of assets, it is NOT OVER. The “total” car wreck that happened to my life is still WRECKED and TOTALED.
(aerobics while cursing the BASTARD helps:) My newest healing modality.
One bright light is that my adult kids are trying to plan to spend next Christmas with me and sweet BF in Yosemite. Their ability to carry on and keep EX SA RAT out of their lives inspires me!
And, in 2 weeks we will all be together for my youngest sons wedding. It will be wonderful! I intend to be fully in the present with an eye towards the future. Wish me luck on that!
I sure do know how you feel Desiree. If anyone told me a year ago that I would be a single mom of a 15 year old at 57, bankrupt again, and newly diagnosed with another life altering condition, completely broke and alone, starting my life all over again I would have told them they were nuts. It’s like WTH happened!??
Good thing you have your kids and your relationship with them is good. They are lucky to have you. My oldest son treats me ok but he is far away and is somewhat self absorbed. My oldest daughter, well, I can’t really have her in my life, she treats me really badly and always has.
It can only get better for you and me from now on. For them, probably not. Their a-holeness will come back to bite them hard sooner if not later.
Your son’s wedding in 2 weeks!! That sounds so nice, and BUSY!!! Such a great time to look to the future together with your family.
Starting over again, yes it is an odd feeling at our ages. I struggle with it too. Just today found the courage to actually start my online classes that I’ve been paying for. Starting orientation for a new job next week and praying my PTSD doesn’t interfere.
Committing to any new path again is daunting even when you’re 100% and I know we aren’t yet, but standing still is much too close to what lies behind. I have to move on to maintain my sanity, and it sounds like you feel that way too. Your intention to care for yourself and create a life you love, with people who love you, has inspired me often.
Close on your footsteps, Desiree.
Yes, girlzzz, yes. My son’s wedding in Virginia, 3,000 miles from me, is busy for the bride’s family and the engaged couple. The wedding will be at the bride’s 2 acre home where she was raised. The theme is “whimsical and elevated”. It IS going to be fun.
My son, his bride and her parents all treat me with the utmost respect and kindness. The father of my kids and his dozens of relatives will be there. THEY are NO problem.
I am feeling more happy now. thx.
Interesting post, Desiree.
I have often thought, as I went through the different righteous indignation moments where I assured myself I was justified in choosing any path to heal (which I still believe), what would become of me at this age, 57 on June 5th. What would become of my family, my security. What about starting over with a new man and his kids, who would not have any loyalty toward me and, at this age, are worrying about their inheritance.
I remember June 5 was a bad memory for you. It is my birthday and the day my sweet Grandpa died twelve years ago. I love that he died on my B-day so I can remember him. Shift a little of that bad June 5th juju over and celebrate with me that day:)
I’ve thought maybe I wouldn’t be as happy as I thought I might be or dividing loyalties within my family. I don’t know where a couple of my kids really stand on this. Butm I can imagine that what you are saying is true. Once it is over, is it really over? What is the fallout? Thanks for sharing that.
Congratulations on the new DIL. There is a fresh new start and a clean start without SA RAT. Then comes the grandbabies and life will straighten out for you and your family.
You sound better all the time Des. Enjoy the wedding and your boys. Love, Debora
Desiree,
I so get it. Wondering who will I be when this is all over. Everything I worked so hard for is gone. My whole adult life feels like a waste- what will I have to show for it? Just my kids, thank goodness for them. But I won’t have a home, a job…I don’t want to stay here near his family and where he grew up.dr evil, on the other hand- he still has his job. He is where he has family and the people he grew up with. He gets to keep his office buildings and employees. Not much changes for him.
Very hard for me to accept that. I am feeling a lot of resentment for all I gave up for our family and marriage and how that has left me vulnerable and he has reaped the benefit of my sacrifices but wants to cheat me of any support now. No, it will be a long time before it is over for me.
We have to find a good way through all this. We just have too! I am going to live a wonderful life just to spite him! Damn – that’s what I said about my parents too…………..hmmmm
Still – I am older and wiser now. It is true.
You ARE living a good life Desiree. You always have been. It is not in spite of them it is because you are you.
I don’t think you see in yourself what is so obvious to all of us. I would choose you for a friend.
Not adrift! No, you are not set adrift. You are in full control with a lot of powerto do as you wish. Think of itas being in a new territory, you may not know the lay if the land, not know the map, the roads, just yet. But think of all the excitement in the newness. So much to see and experience, to learn, to admire.
You are not adrift dear Desiree. None of us are no matter what age!
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