- This topic has 16 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Let the countdown begin. In two weeks (Nov. 21st) my H will know what his sentence is for pleading guilty (no contest) to one count of possession of child pornography. His moods are swinging more than the swings at the local park. He’s sad, then he feels sick, he hurts all over, he’s angry, he’s laughing, he’s happy, he can’t sleep, he’s snoring. One day he’s moving to Idaho, the next day he wants to buy a cabin in the mountains here locally, but he found out that he can’t do that since we just refinanced the house, then another day he said he was going to take a few days off to go to Idaho and see if he likes it, he’s running out of time to do any of those things.
I’ve been busy with the animals, not to mention 3 feral kittens that are living in the neighbors drain pipe and I’ve been feeding them, trying to coax them out. All the neighbors nearby are now informed of my situation with him as well as the upcoming court date for the sentencing. They all support me and all have said if I need anything at all just call. So I feel, at least a little more comfortable that there’s help nearby, if I need it, for myself and the animals. Two of the neighbors have offered to care for the animals if I feel the need to leave the property.
H’s therapist must also be seeing his mood swings as she has him scheduled for an appointment every week leading up to the sentencing date and one that I know of after that date. He usually only sees her once a month. Now he’s taking any cancellation appointments that she calls with.
As far as my health goes; the shoulder is healing well from surgery and the doctor has ordered another round of physical therapy to begin building strength. This week I had my annual physical and my cholesterol was a little high (probably because I didn’t fast before I had the blood drawn) but everything else looked good. She was a little concerned with changes in the EKG waves in comparison to one I had before surgery in June. She said it indicated a slight enlargement of the right side of my heart. But the chest X-ray did not show that so it doesn’t look like anything to worry about right now. I’ll be tested again in 3 months. I am taking antibiotics right now because the chest xray confirmed that I have bronchitis (I get it every year, I have asthma as well). But other than that, I’m alive and kicking.
Wish me luck these next couple weeks. It’s likely to be interesting to say the least!
Much love, Claire
Claire, it’s hard sometimes to read tone in a post but you sound good to me. Relaxed and strong. That’s great! I’m glad your shoulder is doing good and that your neighbors are willing to help out if necessary. Keep taking good care of yourself and keep posting as often as you can. I want to know how you are doing as we get closer to judgment day. He will probably get more crazy as it gets closer so just be prepared.
Lots of love,
DaisySo you did refinance the house. I missed that. Good for you. You do sound good. He, on the other hand, sounds like a caged animal. Take care these next few weeks. XO
Claire,
I agree. You sound very grounded and have your ducks in a row. I’m so happy to hear your neighbors support you and have offered help if you need it. Your h has ants in his pants and obviously his moods are all over the place and sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I’ll be so happy for you when Nov 21st is behind you. Sounds like your shoulder is healing well. Thinking of you dearest Claire!!!
Donkey hugs, NapxxxxxxoooooooGlad to hear you refinanced the house, and your neighbors are helping and supportive. You sound like you are strong and prepared as you can be. Sending love and hugs!
Claire, I just wanted to take a moment to recognize how much courage it has taken to “show up” in this horrible story and start asking questions and demanding information. I’m glad your neighbours are offering kindness, and I hope you will take that as a sign to keep making those phones calls as the questions arise. We know how hard that is for you. But you have to not allow yourself to be disappeared here. I’m sorry you have to watch his tormented state, but remember what he was participating in. He should be tormented. And if he would ever take responsibility for the effect of his porn choices on the lives of innocent children, he would have a chance to lay some of that burden down. But he won’t, and therefore you cannot trust anything he says or does. His main focus right now is how to get away from that responsibility, how to off load it onto someone else, how to avoid the consequences of his choices. That makes him dangerous, IMO. You must become visible, and you must alert the DA to any personal fears you have. You cannot make anything worse here, Claire. You will only improve your own safety and security.
Keep posting, even if you don’t take my advice, please. We need you to check in regularly in this countdown period. We need to have a way of knowing if you are all right.Bev, it makes me nervous too.
I’ve done all that I know to do to protect myself in any event including having the Sheriff’s number on speed dial on my phone.
I may be wrong but I think that he’s not only afraid, but he’s trying everything under the sun to make me feel sorry for him.
In an effort to help prepare him for life on his own, I’ve stopped cleaning his room and his bathroom, I don’t make dinner anymore and haven’t for quite some time, I usually eat and have the kitchen cleaned up before he even gets home. I haven’t done his laundry in over 6 months. As a result, his bathroom is disgusting, the master bedroom has dirty clothes everywhere and he waits until he doesn’t have anything to wear before he does it. When he leaves clothes in the dryer and I need the dryer, I take them out and throw them on the bed all wrinkled. I used to hang, button, fold all his clothes. I’m not doing anything for him. He’s not happy about any of that but has not complained once.
So my detachment continues and when he starts to whine or complain about anything, I listen half heartedly and rarely look him in the eye. I usually take notes every time we talk and he does not like that at all! I’ll even stop the conversation so I can get my note pad and pen! Then I’ll say, okay, go ahead!
I sound like a royal bitch, don’t I? 🙂
You sound strong. You sound inspiring. Do take care and keep posting. I have a dear friend who has talked to me at length about divorcing a sociopath, and she used the exact phrase “caged animal.” It definitely rings a bell. I’m so glad you have reached out to neighbors and that your are not putting his shame on yourself. Keep posting back, Claire! Love you much.
Claire, you do sound strong. And I’m really glad that physically things are going better for you. And you have a whole network of supporters, here and in your neighborhood who will look out for you. And I don’t think taking notes while your h talks is being a bitch. I think it’s probably the kind of thing the experts would say is the right thing to do when dealing with a disordered person. Being neutral around them.. they say that’s the key, and you’re doing that magnificently. Stay strong, lovely sister. xoxo
you sound like a sane woman coping in an insane environment. none of us should have to do things like this. but that is coping with SA. you are doing just fine, sister. more than fine. i am so proud of you for standing up for yourself in these thousands of ways. you are making your world safe. you are protecting yourself. i am SO proud of you. i have no words to say how much i admire your strength and honesty. xo
Thank you sisters for helping me feel stronger. Some days I feel really strong, other days I just want to wear sweat pants and lay around the house. And I allow myself to have those days because I know it’s just a healthy reaction to the current circumstances.
He is still operating at the same schedule; gone early in the morning and doesn’t come home till about 8pm at night. Sundays it seems he sticks around here, does some laundry, paperwork, cleans his truck out, and sometimes does some work around the property. When he’s gone all day like that, I do pretty well, but when he’s home . . . immediately I feel myself tensed up, I get real quiet, and our conversations are limited to the house, the animals, the property. Sometimes he’ll go into great detail about someone he spoke to during the day and he laughs at a conversation they had (which I have no interest in hearing about) and I just look at him straight faced, while he’s laughing, and I say something like “I guess you had to be there”. I can tell he’s trying really hard to make just general conversation, like everything is alright. After something like that we don’t speak much other than “OK” “Yeah” “Goodnight”. I can’t even find it in my heart to say “God bless you” when he sneezes!
So, it’s awkward, but it’s all I can do right now. Don’t know if it’s the right or wrong way to handle the situation, it’s just the only way that’s comfortable right now.
I had a long conversation with my neighbor Sandy last evening over the fence. She was sitting on her quad and I was petting my donkeys. She asked a lot more questions, because she and her husband have known my SA longer than I have (as an acquaintance) because they all grew up in this town. So we talked for a long time and she had mentioned that they have a travel trailer they rarely use and if things get really bad I can stay in the travel trailer, it just needs a little cleanup right now. But I thought that was really nice of her to make that offer. It really touched me. Certainly I don’t want to live in a travel trailer, but nice to know the option is there in a worst-case scenario.
Thanks for everything, ladies.
Claire
What a nice offer from your neighbor Claire. It must help to know they understand how awful this has been for you and want to help.
I might go hang out in the travel trailer on Sundays, Claire, so you don’t have to be home with him then.
Claire, I kind of like Teri’s suggestion. What is almost impossible to believe is the degree to which our lives can collapse from the deception we were drug into. It is like a death, the death of our reality. We bargain with the universe to salvage what we can.
I think I am still here, even though I am rebuilding my life on a seemingly solid foundation, because I still can’t believe,what happened to my children and I. and, no one else understands except the sisters here.
You are hanging on the cliffs of those changes now. We are here. We know how scary this is. Keep posting. I like Diane’s post. How can your needs be advocated for here?
Hugs,
Desiree
- The forum ‘Divorce’ is closed to new topics and replies.