- This topic has 37 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Hi Pam,
And you know what is “hard” for them, LIFE. that is my SA’s story anyway. Its getting a job, going to work, cleaning up the house, taking care of the kids, having a wife….”its all so hard”. These stressors will never go away, and he deals with this with his addictions, before it was pot, now it is sex.
I really think there is no win situation with some of these guys.
My husband (and I use that term lightly) is 68..I have seen him hit many bottoms in 35yrs and have seen many attempts at recovery and he still is into porn(he was into prostitutes and other behaviors but not now because he has some fear due to his vulnerability around his age and not being able to defend himself physically if he got into a bad situation)..plus he had surgery for prostate cancer 1 1/2 yrs ago which diminished his ability to have any kind of decent erection although he tries hard (no pun intended)..This may be kind of mean but when he was diagnosed with the cancer I was kind of like ..ok payback time for him..I really thought he would lose most interest in his addiction but he didn’t..he is wearing ladies sanitary pads for urinary incontinence however and sometimes a diaper..he is officially what I would call a dirty old man..
So mine at his age is not done with it and I hold out no hope he will ever be done with it..that’s my reality…like you said Pam-C he can’t handle anything or cope with anything without the addiction and I too blame his sick family for starting the dysfunction..it’s been a lose-lose here….
Dear Jaded and Flora:
It is all just too hard for them isn’t it? I just get sooooooo sick of all the attention and worry being on the addict. Who the hell is worried about us???? besides our support group on this website? Not the SA, that is for sure. They are worried about losing us, for many selfish reasons, but they are not concerned about how their behavior really affects us on any level. Jaded, esp. saddened by the length of your SA’s activity. But I am learning more and more, that this is typical.
Jaded- how long have you known for?
Lexie – I don’t think Steve has conned himself into thinking he can recover, as he tells me his biggest worry is that he can’t overcome all of this. He very well be still conning me, and I certainly have not ruled out that possibility! Wish you had called him by his pet name – I have forgotten what it is! I know I have a few of my own.
PamC-You sure make valid points about the typical SA – most of them never change. Steve is definitely not done!
Diane – Obviously the marriage has jolted him either to get his shit together or learn to hide it better. I am sure the latter is probably the case. I do see a change in him when out in public – doesn’t appear to be a dog on the prowl, or that anxiety of having to not look around. Is he putting it on to con me? – probably some of that, but I also think he wants to change.Flora, Steve hasn’t had a problem managing his life as far as accepting responsiblity for job, kids, financial, etc. He has not been able to manage the addiction. That, in part, has added to the difficulty in making a decision.
Thanks Diane – It HAS been very confusing. If you will read my most recent post under sexual addiction, my therapist believes I have severe ptsd – partially from becoming too emeshed (obsessed) in Steve’s addiction as well as the actual trauma imposed on me by Steve.
Jaded – What goes around certainly comes around, doesn’t it.I certainly do not take lightly anything you all say, and even agree with it. I am hoping EMDR will help me with the ptsd which my therapist feels is clouding my judgement in making a good decision.
Hugs EveryoneI usually call Steve “psychodude”. Only him. 😉
Actually, I said that I believe that he’s conned himself into the IDEA of WANTING to recover, which is different from actually being able to recover. In that regard, I have always felt that it is extremely unlikely, cause quite frankly, he’s stark raving bonkers! (henceforth “psychodude”) What I’m saying is that I don’t think deep down, that its HIS desire for wellness. Its YOUR desire for him and a contingency to your being a couple and since he desires you and your relationship, he is doing this for you and making you THINK that he wants this too by telling you what he thinks you want to hear and doing what he thinks you want him to do. But, then……… but then………… the real truth keeps slipping out and he starts showing his “true self” by pretending to be in a “trance” and objectifying everything that moves into his gravitational pull. At 67, this is as natural to him as breathing and as automatic.
The other day, I was looking at art.com…(for a client) Impressionist paintings… and whoa… naked voluptuous ladies galore. made me think… what if I were a recovering SA…
but its “art.”
There are triggers waiting at every corner and even without them, the dude has his fekked up BRAIN with a memory bank large enough to fill yankee stadium. Its all there, whenever he needs it.
Sharron, I feel so badly for you, but you are in the thick of it– still it seems and it doesn’t matter what my opinion is… This is not easy stuff and I truly hope that in good time, that you can find a peaceful place for your heart.
much love,
Lexie
Lexie – I love your sense of humor, and I had a good laugh at how you have such a way with words. Your opinion DOES matter!!! Please do not ever think otherwise.
It is just that I am back in the thick of it, so am going to spend the next 4 months getting some good “head shrinking therapy,” and then – just maybe – I might be able to think clearly and make the right decision once and for all.
Love YaHi Sharron, I was not saying that Steve had troubles with functioning in life. those are stressors in life that anyone may have, and my SA had listed those. But in general with these guys the addiction serves as a way to escape from them and life. Wether it be a meeting, class, an exam; anything that we encounter in everyday life which they may feel is hard or they do not want to do…they resort to their addiction as an escape. I have read many of examples as to why this takes place at work so much, they get agitated about a meeting coming up or a project; so instead of doing that they spend the day surfing porn.
Why does Steve have his addiction? Most of them have it as a form of escapism, same as with all other addictions. You escape from who you are or what is happening. And you are able to change your mood, stress, etc. by drinking, drugs, gambling, or in our sa’s case the sex addiction.
Flora – I agree with you. I did not take your view in the context of which it was written.
Pam-C…I found out 10 years into the marriage..so 25yrs now…
Sharron…It sure does..!!!
Pam-C..you’re right ,it is ALL about them…we have to fend for and take care of us…
Oh..very funny..a neighbor was walking by today and said to me..Your husband is THE BEST…Huh…!!…the best SA for sure…everyone thinks he’s great..he only bites the hand that feeds him..that would be me(although I don’t feed him anymore)…
Hi Jaded,
If I may ask, and if you don’t want to answer, please don’t. Do you regret staying in the marriage so long after knowing? And why did you choose to stay? These are very personal questions, please only answer if you want to. Love, NapNap..At first I didn’t mind staying in the marriage but now I deffintely do..even when we had the very first revelation in 87 with a counselor present,even when we seperated in 91 for almost a year,even when he came home the week after we had a “re-commitment” celebration and told me he had picked up a hooker..I remained hopeful..I truly didn’t realize the seriousness of this addiction and how hard it would be for him to ever get a grip and stop..he was in a very intense recovery program for a long time..I thought we had had it beat..I was naive to think that..I will take some responsibility for continuing to stay with the hope it would somehow all go away…I chose to stay because I really loved him and truly thought things would get better..I also stayed because things did get better and when things were good they were very good..and as we all know that can change in an instant and get very bad..I also stayed because in 93 I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness that took me several years to recover from and I never to this day have fully recovered..so I was dependent on him..I had to quit my job as an RN and lost a salary that would have helped me get out…I also really didn’t want to break up the family..bottom line is I was hopeful to a fault..sometimes put on my rose color glasses and ignored things..some days were better than others days turned into week,weeks turned into months,months turned into years and the madness continued..I truly loved him…I don’t anymore..I finally surrender and want to move on with me…I’m happy to talk about my experience..it may serve as a reality check for some who are still struggling with what life can be like long term with a SA….
Jaded,
Thank you for sharing. It must have been hard for you, but you have great knowledge to share with others. Thank You.Hi Jaded,
Thank you for your reply and also your honesty. I agree with Flora, your knowledge and experience are so helpful for all of us. Overtime, there are good times and I know I would treasure them and hold on to them and think if only these times could stay longer. It’s good for us to know this addiction doesn’t really ever go away and it becomes a way of life. Thank you so much Jaded….Love, Nap
- The forum ‘Divorce’ is closed to new topics and replies.