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Sisters, I have a problem and I am coming to you for advice.
It appears as if one of our sister’s husband has discovered that she is on this site and has found her user name and password. She knows he has been on this site because he related some private information to her that she had written only here.
She has since changed her password, but I am concerned that he will find the new password and sneak in here again.
She is separated from her husband and does not live with him, but there is always the possibility that he is monitoring her computer and will be able to find out any new password she puts in.
I do not want to ‘punish’ her in any way, but, having this sort of breach just knocks the hell out of our sense of safety. It totally creeps me out to think of any Sex Addict having access to our private world.
My question to you is, should I cancel her subscription so that he will not have any way to break the security of this website?
Thanks, and hugs to all.
Wow that stinks. It is truely hard to always keep something confidential. Especially if they are in the same house. But if he is the husband and he moved out…how did he get her passcodes. That takes skill. If they were together i can see how it might happen, they could recall the site on the webserver. She should probably change her user name too? How do you suppose he got the passwords and use name?
I guess I am not much help. I am not sure what to do. But it stinks. The Husband should keep his nose out.
Hi JoAnn, Key stroke monitoring perhaps? Boy that’s a tough one, I hate for her to loose the support offered here, but I’m afraid it might make me (for one) choose my words more carefully and not share what I really need to. I’m guessing that our Sister will probably feel the same way about sharing as well. Damn sex addicts! I guess if there is no alternative solution, I would have to say go ahead and cancel the membership…although that breaks my heart.
LindyHi JoAnne,
I say absolutely not, don’t cancel the membership. This woman needs our support as much and possibly more than anyone else on this site, and if her membership is cancelled, he wins. They aren’t living together anymore, he doesn’t have access to her computer, she has changed user name and password. Those are facts. If she or you are concerned about monitoring software on her computer, she can take it to a geek squad and have them check for that and eliminate it. Unless he has more tach savvy than the most savvy of tech geeks, they can find it.
She is on this site for support, he is threatened by that, he acts inappropriately….he should not be rewarded for that and she should not be punished for that. If she were sharing everything with him and then decided to try and step back, that would be a different story.
Maybe not all of us, but most….are still confidential on this site. We may or may not be using real names, but apart from you….does anyone share all of their information? And you did that on the married site. Is anyone using their real first name, real last name, and have their real address and real phone numbers and emails available for him to find? I know we share that info when we want to with whom we choose, but there isn’t one woman on this site that I could track down and figure out who she was, unless she told me…. even if I were highly motivated to do so. And I’m pretty good with a computer. I think it would be naive for any of us to assume that this sort of thing would never happen, therefore….our choice about how much bio information to give, just like it was on the married site. What will we do when it happens again? And it will. We are married to men who mess with us and our lives big time. Do we kick the next woman who needs support out too, because she lives with a jerk who has no regard for her privacy and feelings? I say we take a stand and do the right thing. And I feel that way about any woman on this site.
MarieI assumed that if he put monitoring software on, he had to have physical access to her computer and that would have been in the past and that is no longer true. For purposes of my discussion above, I have assumed that he no longer has physical access to her computer.
MarieIf they have a wireless network all he has to do is drive by and he can access the network with a laptop or a phone. I’m wondering, JoAnn, is there a way to make the site more secure? It would seem that if she were given a new user name (maybe JoAnn could assign it) and password, that would solve the problem, but I imagine it’s more complicated than that. Personally I could care less if my SA read what I wrote because it’s the truth, but I don’t like the idea of ANY SA getting on here and invading our personal thoughts. If there’s a money issue with subscribing a new membership under the new name and pw, then perhaps we could all chip in and pay for it. The only other thing I can think of is maybe she could get a new little computer, (that would have a different IP address) and that might throw him off (not tech savvy here, just guessing). I don’t want to see anyone turned away that needs our help; I mean I know we can’t help everyone but sure wish we could. One last idea (joking here) is that we can let him in and all of us and talk about him and totally deflate his ego, it would be fun!.
I agree with Marie–
Until we get this straightened out I am advising everyone who has put personal information in their profile to delete it. If you want to share e-mail addresses, phone numbers or other such info you can do that via private messages or e-mailing each other here on this site. No one can access that information, not even me.
To add or delete personal info in your profile go to the black menu above and hover your mouse over ‘my account’ then scroll down to ‘profile’ and then click ‘edit profile’. You will see an orange box that says, ‘About me’. Click that and you can add or delete any information you may have put in there.
Hi Sisters,
This is why I depend upon this site… Marie, you have made an excellent and very valid point. Its true we are, after all, here to support one another so to withdraw and circle the wagons leaving someone outside to fend for themselves would be wrong. I really hate the idea that our privacy might be invaded, BUT what we have to say here is the truth, and one can’t argue that.Is there any cause for concern from anyone that if our SAs should find their way onto our private site they would fear for their physical well-being or retaliation from any information their SA may learn here? I personally don’t, but it is just a thought.
Hi all,
I think if someone’s husband finds the site and reads the stuff here, his own spouse might be the most at risk of suffering some blow back from that, in one form or another. I am not worried that someone else’s husband reading anything here that will affect me. What’s he going to do? Out me? To who? for what? Out my husband? To who? for what? For the same thing he’s doing? Besides, he wouldn’t have enough info based on what I’ve written to do that, even if he found someone to tell the stuff to or a reason to want to do it and a way to do it.
MarieJoAnn, Thank you. I’m pretty careful, only sharing my personal info privately. That being said, I would hate to shut someone out that needs us most–I agree with Marie. There’s got to be some techie out there that can figure this out.
Hi Marie,
Perhaps I didn’t frame my question quite right, but I was referring to the possibility of someone’s own SA learning about what they have posted here and therefore putting themselves in jeopardy. I agree too that anyone else’s SA’s knowledge of me holds no threat for me.
Hugs, LindyHi JoAnn,
I agree with Marie too. It would be like shooting the piano player. This sister should not pay the price for her as*hole husband. I would love for my exSAH to read my comments, he might learn something; I doubt it though.I’m guessing the particular sister in question may be worried about posting for awhile (if her SA is reading it), but at least if she has access to the site, she can still get information and comfort from “being in the group.” Without trying to sound too glib, I had the same thought as NAP…if it were my SA maybe he’d learn something. Beyond that, I’m not worried about someone else’s SA reading what I write.
Hi ms-lindy,
No, I agree with you that the woman posting is the most at risk if her husband is on the site:) I was just trying to extend the scope and think about effects to any of the rest of the users of the site.
Your friend,
MarieThank all of you for your input. First, let me get rid of some myths so that all of you will feel a little better and safer.
First–accessing someone else’s internet service by driving by with a wireless laptop is possible if the network is not password secured (most are) BUT, all they can access is the internet connection–which means they can get on the internet for free. THERE IS NO WAY THAT THEY CAN ACCESS YOUR COMPUTER OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR SEEING.
And second, his site is as secure as is possible. No one can get in without a valid user name and password AND be registered AND have paid AND have been activated. This is a lengthy process and I watch it very carefully. If you look through the members list you may occasionally see some funky names, some are obviously men or computer generated names. These are people or software that begin the registration process, but never get any farther than that. They do not put in all their personal information and credit card number, they do not pay the fee, they do not get any farther into the system and they are not activated by me. I usually go through once a week or so and delete the most obvious ones.
Could some male SA register as a woman, pay the fee and get in? Sure. I don’t have a crystal ball, but the question is, Why? What could they possibly gain? That’s not really their game, is it?
The most likely case, is what happened with our sister. Her sneaky, obsessed husband just wanted to see what she was saying about HIM–it’s always about them, isn’t it? Or, he wanted to see what she was doing. Again–it goes back to HIM and HIS ego.
This sister has confided in me that she has changed her password and that her husband does not have access to her computer. She had told him the name of the website (not a good idea) and she thinks he guessed at her user name and password, which were the same ones she frequently uses (also not a good idea)
She has since changed her password, so let’s see how things go. The only reason she knew he had been on the site is because he mentioned something she had only written here (they are not very smart, are they?)
If any of you, or if she, is still concerned I will simply cancel the existing membership and sign her up under a different name and password. The only problem with doing that is that unless I can figure out a way to keep them, all of her comments will be lost.
Again, thanks for all of your input, please continue to leave your thoughts. I hope all of you realize that I did not bring this up to scare any of you, it is just a problem that involves all of us and I think all of us should be involved in the solution.
Love to all of you beautiful, caring sisters.
I just received an e-mail from our sister with the problem. She asked her husband how he got her user name and password and he told her that he had been in her e-mail a few months back and had read an e-mail she sent to me that contained both.
She has also changed her e-mail password.
So, he was not smart enough to figure it out himself, but he is creepy enough to be accessing her e-mails. This is a common practice of SA’s, so sisters beware. SA’s will do everything they can to turn the tables on you or stalk you or obsess over everything that you do.
Keep your privacy by opening new e-mail accounts, do not use obvious user names and passwords and do not share anything with him that you think could ever be used against you in any way.
Ya, Guilty as charged about mentioning I had a resource
site like RN that I get a lot of support from. I mentioned the words sisterhood of support – Who would have thought???
But, he did get the UN/PW from my personal E-mail. At least he didn’t figure out the one on s.o.s.-as if that helps any.
Again, I feel so bad, and I love you all for your support.
You too, JoAnn.I have learned my lesson!!
arrrggghhh… it was “psychodude”??? figures.
But Wait. We feel badly for YOU! Its not your fault!!! He’s the creepy stalker!!!!!!!!
One more thing to consider – always make sure you sign out of this site right away. And check your cookies daily.
No apologies necessary, Sharon. It’s always better to be safe than sorry Glad to have you back. And to JoAnn, I didn’t mean to get anyone upset with the comment about driving by and accessing the internet. It was something I saw on a news report. I’m sorry if I got anyone worried.
Hi ladies,
Here is another scenario that could happen. On the key logger I chose for the laptop, they asked if I wanted to be emailed a copy of the stealth report every two hours that the computer was being used. In theory, your SA could put a logger on your computer and have the report sent to his email. You could move out, take the computer with you, change every name and password under the sun, every day if you wish, and he would continue to get his report every day or however often you are on your computer. He would get a key stroke report and continue to see your new names and passwords! Ugh! I think if anyone suspects foul play on their computer, it should be taken to an expert to be wiped clean or whatever they have to do to get rid of the logger!!
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