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Well sisters. I guess we just never know what is going to trigger sadness and a sense of loss. I have been doing really really well, but this wknd was a tough one.
went to IKEA with ex sah. he is doing some kitchen remodeling. i told him i would go, since he has no access to money of his own right now, he gives me cash, and I pay. i have agreed temporarily to do this, as protection for me, daughter, and indirectly him. and his wtf sobriety program. or illusory sobriety program.
this may be a bit long. but the sad thing was, i had fun, picking out cabinets and a sink. it felt like a very couplish thing to do. it reminded me of the things i liked in the marriage, of the good days when we got a long. and all the hopes and dreams of the fixer old home we bought. sometimes I forget, that was MY LIFE. my home, my family, my everything.
while we got a long nicely, had lunch w/jacqleen, and he pitched in for me to buy some household stuff for my apt, I am so grieved this morning. while i am glad my property is being improved, whether i live there or not , it is a positve, and my daughter can enjoy a decent kitchen. but boy oh boy, am i hurting.
i mean who is this kitchen i am picking out supposed to be for? i am not going back. is he thinking i one day will? that is even sadder.
furthermore, what did i ever do a a wife, to ever get the cruel behavior given to me in that home? what did i ever actually do? besided fight his control, manipulation, addiction and abuse. and tried to love in spite of that. i mean i T R I E D to hang in there, to the point where my safety and danger were compromised. i really had no choice but to go. there was no real other option.
while i love my place. it is an apartment. of which i am ever grateful. but still. i gave up living in my own home.
today, i lick my wounds. would love your fb. thanks for listening.
i didn’t expect that o happen to me, emotionally.Dear Pam,
I think your feelings are perfectly natural. You were forced to flee your home. You didn’t want to go…you were forced out. You didn’t want to leave your marriage. You were forced out.
The process of letting go is never linear, it is up and down. Some days you feel positive and other days you feel pretty low. He took a great deal away from you and you have much to grieve. The fact that you have lenghty periods of feeling pretty upbeat indicate that your healing is well under way. Grief is like that. You can be going along great and suddenly you are hit with a wave of regret, sadness and even longing. It is all part of the process. Feel your feelings….you have a right to them. Sit with them and then move on. You had no choice Pam. You had to leave and you cannot go back so you have to go forward. Tomorrow is another day and the pain can only last so long. BIG HUG Karen xxbtw– the kitchen thing reminds of something. last time he went to brazil, he bought me a washer / dryer before he left.
if i am getting a whole new kitchen this round — something’s up–if not now, then in the near future perhaps.
it is never ever free.
I am so sorry Pam…I know the grief does not just end because you got out. Maybe it would be best to limit the time you spend with him doing “coupley” things. It seems to me just too much to ask. I couldn`t do it.
pam,
of course you are sad. you have lost so much. and as you said, what did you do to deserve the treatment you received. nothing. i think one of the hardest things about all this is that it will never be fair. it will always hurt.
i’m proud of how you are conducting yourself. you are amazing.
strong. standing up for what you know you need.
take some extra time for yourself. treat yourself really well while you feel this grief. and take some distance. let Xsah look after himself.
what an incredible model you are giving your little girl. your honesty and compassion will help her get through this.
just make sure you are doing enough for yourself.
xxxxxx
I think doing the couple thing is self torture in a way. It’s going to spring up old feelings and it’s always fun playing house; it’s not real though. You got away from him for a really good reason and those reasons were valid. Grieving is up and down. I think being with him puts you in an emotionally awkward place.
Oh, Pam, how well I remember the attempts to do ‘couples’ or ‘family’ things after my first divorce. Here’s a poem from my first book, Karaoke Funeral, about going with my ex and the kids to the pumpkin patch. It was so hard to be surrounded by families when my own family was broken.
MERCURIAL
Driving down Ponce DeLeon,
I see honeysuckle
wildly blooming in October
like yellow
blossoming on struck flesh
before it flushes red.
These bushes are confused
by the new glassy angle
of light, the still thick
heat of Indian summer.The pumpkin patch
is full of families.
We are here, too: three
popsicle-stained children
climbing their father,
his hands in my hair
like he’s inventing music.But as my blood
climbs, quicksilver,
rushes like a girl
toward the familiar
pressure of his fingertips,
I know the frost in his eye.He’s not my husband anymore,
who seems gentle
among the squash and vines.March,
what an amazing poem. so on cue, and perfect for this autumn. I LOVE it. you are a beautiful writer.
and all, thanks for all of your support and responses. Lisa, i write a check to myself, for him to pay me. or write checks directly on daughters behalf for afterschool activities, he does not have a check book.
and so true. grief is up and down. but anything couplish, familyish, is really self torture at this point. while my goal is some kind of cooperative co-parenting, and trying to avoid a major war, it has its pitfalls. cuz it means more contact. and “friendliness” can be perceived as weakness. and while ti may hurt, to experience the unreal joys of the parts of marriage I enjoyed, it cannot be sustained. this i know.
i need to get to the point, I think, where perhaps i just get the attorney, a po box, and let him run himself into the ground. i still that the apron strings on from the old life. i mean man up, and handle your money. or don’t. but bear the consequences of what you choose. i am just not sure if taking a gentler path, is a better one. i am starting to question what i am doing. and that’s ok. i am just 3 mos out. and it seemed better than a restraining order and high conflict divorce. and liquidating everything that was built thus far.
i just wont’ be doing anymore ikea trips anytime soon. that’s for sure. lesson learned
Pam, I find the couple thing just rips open the scab and pours a little salt in. It just brings back memories of the friendship you thought you had and then the betrayal. You’re not a couple and cant be – because of him – so I think its best left. Brings back too many memories and what ifs. Do you think he had the same feelings when he walked away ?
Pam, I just wanted to send you a hug. You often seem so strong and together in your posts – when you are used to being a strong, coping person it can be hard to feel so vulnerable and grieving.
It is often tempting to do things as a family for the kids. In doing so, we often forget our own feelings.
Be good to yourself today.
You’re funny, Pam. Thanks for sharing your story, which reminded me of my poem, which then reminded me that I’ve been through this–and survived it–before. What you’re (and I’m) feeling is natural. It’s just going to hurt for a while. And then we’ll be better. Much love.
The poem is stunning March
Pam…you are wise and your compass is good. You took a wrong turn but you are back on the right road now. Everything you feel is normal and part of how you heal I think. March is right. You will survive this and so will she. x
Pam,
There is nothing I can add to all this wisdom. It was a very “coupley” thing and that had to hurt, just had to. And we live and learn and grow and it can be a surprise to us, still, the depth of our emotions.
March, the poem brought a tear to my eye. So tactile and flowing with the abrupt end we ALL can relate to in such a heartwrenchingly personal way.
I think I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out then shop with my ex for something for my own house that I was essentially forced out of. Pam, how did you do it?
Hi Pam, I can relate to how you feel. I haven’t left yet. My dream home which we built has now become a prison. There are so many good memories but the recent ones are just plain ugly. I think the same thing when he suggests updates. Updates for who? I’m like you because nothing’s been free since d-day so why is he trying to throw me off kilter this time. Sigh. At least now you have the option they mentioned above and just avoid those things. Don’t u hate all the time you’re investing in this addiction? It drives me crazy.
That was a wonderful poem March. I’d love to see your journals.
I found in my H`s workbook where he admitted that he “let” me do all the house updates so he could feel ok about his hooker habit. I now hate my house. I worked very hard at all the remodels…..I can barely stand to be in it now.
He “let” you do all the updates so he could justify the money he spent on hookers? God….these men are insane, completely insane. Imagine equating renovations with using prostitutes? WTF. I’m sorry you are now uncomfortable in your own home Bev. 🙁
sorry about the house Bev. but remodels are a great distraction arn’t they? it’s like we’ll be so busy with renovating, we’ll be much less apt to notice what they are upto. indeed it is clever.
exsah is up to the good samaritan act. not sure how much longer he can hold it. i just cam home from support group. and my head is back on straight.
fuck the kitchen. and fuck ikea.
i don’t even know why i cared. paint it zebra stripe with hints of inch worm green counter tops. we should go to toys r us next time and look at doll house kitchens if he wants to play house. IT IS ALL A PLOY.
God i just dont’ know how to get myself free completely, from his depedence and manipulation, i keep getting coerced into things that suck my time. and having nothing to do with my new life. absolutely nothing. when am i gonna learn????
sisters, i hear you on the updates. i’d been trying to fix up our house for 10 years! (it really is quite funky and not in a good way)
so finally, we started fixing it a year ago. and built a lane way house.
d day/black out was six months into all this.
now i hate my house. i only enjoy being in my room and in my son’s room. ugh.
the false hope in those renovations makes me want to puke.
Pam,
Don’t be too hard on yourself you’ve come a long way! I can’t tell you how many times I stuck my hand in the toaster before I realized it hurt…..March, LOVE your poem!
So sorry Bev about your h and how you feel about your house. My h never ‘controlled me’ with money. I was free to spend as I please, I had nice things, now I realize he was an open checkbook because it justified his $2000 a month habit. It really was a form of control, just backwards, like everything else he did.
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