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First of all, I still haven’t written part III and it isn’t going to be that long, this time.
I think I’ve worked more hours this week than I did in the whole of 2009!!! Yesterday, I went to ballet and then worked from 3:00 until 2:00AM, with only one brief break for dinner. And then, I was back at it at 10 this morning and went on a go-see (we’ll see… about them… hubs was a tad arrogant…hmmmm… had that narc swagger… uh oh…), anyway, and then I came back and have been working almost the entire time since 4:00… but actually, fun stuff.
Yesterday, I had lunch with my BFF and she brought up something that I’ve been thinking about. I do want to leave my husband, but the time isn’t right.
Everything is just too, too unstable and I have NO family around here, and only one real friend. And I’m not solvent and on top of it, things are very unstable in Wisconsin where my mom and sis live…
I need the support of my husband, in the ways he’s always been supportive.
This is so difficult. He never really did anything overtly TO me. I mean, yes, yes, he’s had his dumbfuck moments, like all men do… and he’s been a lousy provider and he buys me dead flowers from the A&P and toasters for my birthday.
cheap toasters…and of course, has had his fingers and other things up in “wet places”… that aren’t mine. 🙁 and then confided in other women about that. 🙁 🙁 🙁
the point is… if he goes right now… I’m shooting myself in the foot… and for what? so, i can have my self-respect?
its not just my husband that is the cause of the loss of that and we all know it. Yes, my husband definitely lead me astray… and it is like driving and driving and thinking that you’re on your way, when suddenly you realize you have no idea where you are or how to get back or even how you are ever going to get back and do what you did?
I would sit here, completely paralyzed and not able to do anything that could actually help me to be better!
I was so lost and even though I had my BFF and my therapist, it didn’t matter…
My victory right now, is that I’m actually WORKING. I’m actually doing what I’m supposed to be doing, about 95% of the time, instead of 25% of the time and that is something to celebrate.
My h said that if something came through (a living situation) and it was a good fit for him, he would take it, but he felt better knowing that he wasn’t being shoved out and that it wasn’t urgent. He reiterated that he would always help me.
and i believe that he will…
I’m sure that he does love me, he just doesn’t know HOW to love me. He never learned to love. not really.
He did some really terrible things to me… but he’s also done some very wonderful things. But, while it may seem like a step backward, its not– I’m moving forward more quickly than I have for many, many years and it feels really good. I’m on my way; I’m on my way to that better place.
a new and better, more fulfilling life.
It’ll come… and when the time is right, I’ll be ready.
Love to all… L
Good for you, Triple L! You sound solid! You have came a LONG way in a few short months! I shudder at some of your heart wrenching posts from the summer. We could all feel your pain in each and every one. And although “I” believe it WOULD be worth turning your world upside down if it meant you have your 100% self respect, I also understand what you are saying and why you feel the way you do. Like we always say, everything needs to be done in your own time! It will all work out! And, although I loooove our crazy, wacky, handcuffed Lexie girl, I also loooove how much you have grown and accepted things for what they are! You sound really clear and on top of it! Good for you! I just know that you, my dear, are going to do great things! I can’t wait to witness them all!!
Love, SL
Lexie, imo and for what its worth:
You dont have to physically leave someone to create the distance you need in a relationship – its often just a state of mind. If you are clear about where you are and can articulate that in a calm, kind fashion and everyone understands the deal – he doesnt physically have to leave.
This is where the boundaries thing comes in. If you know what you need and it suits you to not upturn the apple cart – why do it? JoAnn seems to be modelling this to a tee.
The thing is, when you make a decision to no longer allow IT (the SA / Addiction / Behaviours) to control and consume YOU, the easier it seems to become. It doesnt have to destroy you.
You are talented and life will be OK. It may not be what you thought it was going to be or look the way you’ve always planned, but thats part of life and so long as we are breathing and healthy and working towards personal growth we are fortunate beings indeed.
Bless you and stay cheerful xHi Lexie,
It’s wonderful you are working again and I’m sure it feels good. I do agree we make our own choices and needs certainly come into play. As time passes, we rationalize what really occurred and our true feelings. Separating is very a very scary thing and there are things we Love about our h. I just would hate to see you get Hirt again. This my only concern about keeping him there. I would hate for him to hurt you again because he really did hurt you so much. Thinking of you.
Love, NapLexie, I think it’s really good that you’re going with your gut feelings, and thinking about what you need right now. It sounds like you’re doing the ‘self-care’ that the experts say is so important for us. I remember you said you’re the same age as me.. 55.. and I think for many of us.. though not all.. it’s different going through this at an older age, and when we have so many years with our husbands under our belt. I’m just not the same person I was at 35, or even 45. Though you sound like you still have tremendous energy, and I really envy that. But still, things are different, you know? And sometimes taking care of ourselves means staying put, while we try to get our equilibrium back, until we’re at a point where we can regroup and see where we’re at. Hang in there, girl. xoxo
Yes, Nappie, he did and I am not planning on staying with him forever.
NO WAY!!!
But, I also need to be realistic. Our son with autism will be graduating HS in June 2013 and whatever he does, after that, he will no longer be under the jurisdiction of our school district, so it may be very expensive. (that IS, if he does go to college). I also have to remain in this home for the next 18 months, because of the school district.
Our home NEEDS a lot of work, before we can sell it.
He helps me with some of the technical aspects of my work.
It all boils down to money. If I could afford it, I would just pay someone to do the things he can do for free.
And probably the biggest reason is also the money OUT for his living expenses. We really need that money to put into the house.
Emotionally… I haven’t been in love with my husband for quite some time. I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m making a lot of lame excuses.
I do not see a future with him in it, but I’m also not going to shoot myself in the foot, to protect my heart. That’s not going to work.
He’s never even ONE TIME begged me to reconsider… Hell, he hasn’t even asked me to reconsider. He won’t change. He’ll always be passive and afraid to grab life by the balls!
I married a man who was the flip side of the same coin as my aggressive father. My h is passive and stuck and completely out of touch with his true self. He wasn’t that way when I met him. Not even in the SLIGHTEST. He was living his life with much gusto and integrity. Now, I don’t think he even knows who he is. Perhaps that is something we can say about all of our SAs.
Sometimes people DO change. And its not in the way we could ever even begin to imagine. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. But at this point, it’ll be very difficult for him to reinvent himself.
I see no signs that he’s even really trying to do that.
xo ~ L
Dear Lexie,
If you think about what Silver said…..it is normal to go back and forth I think? In the beginning we are SO ANGRY we cannot think straight at all. It is all about what is good for YOU Lexie.I COMPLETELY understand about the self respect thing. I understand we have to eat too and you have others dependant on you besides your husband. I think it is important to sift through the roller coaster of emotions and to figure out how to best get your needs met in ALL arenas. I don’t know where you are going, Lexie, or when you will get there but I have faith that if you listen to your inner voice and focus on you as you have been doing….you will get where you are meant to be in good time.One day at a time… with Lexie coming first everyday! Karen xx
It’s so wonderful that you back in your work, and loving it! Sounds like this is a time to build, with clarity, a life you can live that is all you have missed for so many years. Something built honestly, on your strengths, not on misinformation and lies about a partnership that never was. I applaud you, and look forward to hearing all the exciting details.
Sounds like you already have your self-respect well in hand, and are moving forward to what works for you, despite SAH. That’s progress in my book.
Hooray!!
Lexie,
Please don’t loose sight of what he said, that he will move when it is convenient for him (a good situation comes about for him). Just, when you are depending on his presence and something better has come along and he leaves, I don’t want you to be traumatized by this.
They make plans and announce it to you. It is after-the-fact, when you have no input and have to live with the consequences. We are trying to survive, they are setting themselves up for the easy self-serving way and take advantage of a persons soft heart.
Just be careful, so you are not blind sighted by this.
HI Lexie,
It’s so hard to prepare for all the bad things they might do. We can’t. we’d never live our own lives.
But Jeanette does make a valid point. My SA still likes to keep secrets from me about his life, it’s his power thing. I try and give him ahead’s up about something that might come as a surprise, but he doesn’t. he likes the idea that I experience the realization that I was “left out”. So just bear this in mind with your hubby.
love,
d.Thanks everyone. I am not doing this out of a soft heart. It was 100% my decision to have him stay here, because I am using him for everything he’s worth. If I have to pay someone to do everything he does, its going to set us back even further than we already are.
I am looking at the big picture, and no, its not what I want. What I want is for him to jump off of a bridge. Then, I will be rid of the toxic waste dump and I can also collect the insurance money. Now that is a win/win situation, if there ever was one!
My plan that I am working towards, is to be in a better financial situation, fix up the house, and to see Aaron (Adam on my blog) graduating from high school in 2013, but I hope to be separated sooner than that.
I don’t know, I could change my mind in a month and decide that I can’t take it any more, no matter what.
Its so interesting, though that NOW, he is being “kind” to me and complimentary, telling me how proud he is of me, and how I “deserve” to go out and get a massage.
I lost it again, last night… just sobbing and scrying… I feel so unlovable. (in terms of romantic love) Some of the husbands on here, are absolutely BEGGING, and CRYING for their wives to stay… nope, not him.
For me… as I think I’ve said, its not that he looked at porn or had sex with other women, although, yes the latter, in particular is devastating. For me, its the fact that he never even once considered what he was doing TO ME and that he used OTHER women as confidants, friends and lovers– largely shutting me out; me, his wife, the one he “loves.”
He didn’t love or care about me enough to let me into his world, or to make any real attempt to make me happy.
I don’t know about you, but when I love someone, I CANNOT STOP MYSELF FROM DOING THINGS TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE!!!
Maybe that’s my mistake? I’m too easy? If a man has low self-esteem, (and it appears that I’m a magnate for this), then perhaps they feel if she’s so good to me, and i’m such a loser, then there must be something wrong with her?
And then they set out to prove themselves right and punish me, for daring to love them.
all– on a completely subconscious level, of course.
I don’t know… Last night, it hit me again– the ENORMITY of it all… It wasn’t an “indiscretion” with someone at work he was attracted to.
It was that, over and over… AND, in addition to that, when he wasn’t working, he was looking for other women and not just for sex.
oh no… he was looking for a RELATIONSHIP. When I explained to him a few weeks ago, how much I ALSO longed for exactly what he was “looking for,” (including all of the playful eroticism) he replied: “this is very painful”
The realization that what he so desperately wanted was already his!!! All he had to do, was put in even 1/4 the amount of energy that he did in looking for someone else, and he could’ve been the happiest man on earth.
I would never have found myself prey for fucked up predators with no soul and I wouldn’t be typing these words with a furrowed brow, or crying myself to sleep, lonely and longing for someone to love me?
I’m just plain fucking lonely. Except for Peaches who’s usually attached to me, like velcro. Thank God, he didn’t die.
I hate December. I hate being Jewish. I’ve blogged about it. Its actually pretty funny and sad at the same time. This first one, is a bit long and starts out talking about my younger son, but it tied in perfectly to my least favorite time of the year. Don’t feel obligated, but I promise that you’ll at least chuckle, and maybe even cry…
http://preachingtotheperv.blogspot.com/2010/12/jesus-jew.html
http://preachingtotheperv.blogspot.com/2010/12/best-part-of-wakin-up.html
http://preachingtotheperv.blogspot.com/2010/12/oh-christmas-tree-oh-christmas-tree.html
I feel especially lonely at this time of year. Oh, every once in a while, I get invited to something, but I think I can count on two hands the number of times this has happened.
And pleeeeeeeeease do not mention Chanukah… just read the blogs… it will explain it all.
Love ~ L
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