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I was alone in my heartache. Who could understand? Noone, until I found you all–sisters.
In the darkest of days this was the only place I could come and feel real empathy–the kind that comes from knowing firsthand. Our stories all so sadly similar, yet each painful experience and injury to the heart uniquely our own.
I found myself loving you all, and it took me out of my own pain. We do this dont we? It is the sweet stuff of the soul–it is what differentiates us most from THEM.
And so many of you made me laugh (March, NAP)–between tears, at the ridiculousness and perversity of it all, this vile SA, the craziness we have lived through.
And when I felt a need to twist my insides out and try to grapple with the what ifs, what shoulds, the hows and whys, you came into the dismal trenches of “figuring it out” with me.
Some of you were tough–Silver, KMF, Pam and remember Lexie? You would sometimes tell it like it is, and I would think “but not us, not him” because of course, my marriage was different. We would be the 5%. Ha!
Some of you just gently poured out loving wisdom, like the goddess Diane! And a few of you even gave me glimpses of the ‘afterlife’.
And then others of you, struggling and trying so hard–you reflected me back to myself. I would see you so clearly and think “why is she hurting herself?” “she is so wonderful, why cant she see she deserves more?” and then finally I saw it for the reflection it was. I saw myself as the dog who had been kicked around–the gentle loving creature who had been abused but remained loyal to its abuser.
And because you were all in my corner, I had the courage to leave. You saved my life! It isnt an exaggeration. I feel so free and so happy.
I was laid off a few weeks ago. It doesnt even matter. I am fearless, because I have already endured hell on earth.
I have met someone, he is kind, he is sincere–he has depth.
But most important, is that I am getting reaquainted with me. The happy joyful person I am/was inside.
My heart breaks for all of the posts of my dear friends who are still in the grips of this crippling heartache, and for all the unfamiliar names of sisters who have joined in the last few months.
I feel like a survivor, who having escaped death sees more clearly the beauty of a new dawning day. Food tastes better, music sounds lovelier–every moment is so precious. My life has become magical. Like the Phoenix, I really do feel I have risen from the ashes. And please, I dont want to sound preachy, I just want to thank you all. And to let those who are in pain know that they can get through it, that they can chose themselves. Its okay–it doesnt make you bad or selfish. It makes you human. You deserve to be happy.
This site and all of you have saved my life. I love you.
~BonnieThank you for telling us how hope came and got you, and showed you it was in your own life. Thank you for letting us be a part of that. Thank you for having the courage to let love come again, even just a little! Thank you for facing hard truths and tough experiences, but not letting them have the last word on your life.
We are truly in this together, and you’ve discovered you are a goddess, too. Yippee! And also, you are today’s heroine.
Congratulations and remember the motto—keep going!
love, Diane.Wow. Thank you for sharing that, Bonnie. I love the image of you – the phoenix – rising from the ashes. Fly!
Bonnie your post warms my heart! Our lives really do evolve into something else. I can’t wait to be in your shoes! –Free to feel normal and out of the drama.
My dad (85) went through a terrible, crazy divorce after my mom died. He was 55. He told me the other day that he would have never believed life could be good again, and then it was, and what seems like such a terribly big deal – eventually just becomes a bad memory.
I am grateful to the women who are finding themselves after enduring this horrible nightmare. Thank you for staying on this site and showing me the light. It means more than you will ever know.
Bonnie – you summed it all up so well. I’m so happy that you survived and have found yourself. I hope you stick around and tell us more about the after life.
Deb
Oh Bonnie, I am crying happy tears for you. Thanks for staying with us (at least for now) and showing us what the ‘afterlife’ looks like. All the best! Love, Liza
Bonnie, it makes me so happy to be part of your journey. Your wonderful, healing journey. You have been part of mine also, and offered a lot of insight and realism, about my situation also.
I truly believe, without SOS, I’d still be married to my SA/abuser. I really do.
love hugs and goodness to you Bonnie
Bonnie,
It is Sooo good to hear from you! Your words brought tears and a huge rush of pride!! You did it girl!! I knew you could! Your post couldn’t have been any more heartfelt and loving. I remember every detail of your journey. The bad. The ugly. And finally the good! (I like that order better anyway!)Thank you for sharing your life with us. All of it! You are truly an inspiration to us all! Your private message meant more to me than I could ever express with words and I hope to meet you someday, sister!
With all the love in my heart,
SL
Bonnie,
I just wrote the post card version of your post, from my perspective. I agree, this SOS line is a deep well of love and support. It’s a Lifeline!
~Helen xoBonnie, you’ll always be a hero of mine for the story of how you secretly left that SOB. So happy for you! Thanks for taking the time to post that.
Bonnie,
I have tears in my eyes and chills. I’m sure JoAnn will too, when she sees what this place has done for you. It’s truly been a lifesaver for me too. I’m not out of the marriage yet, but it’s just a matter of logistics and paperwork at this point. I see a brighter future as well.
Thank you for posting this…so proud of you and love you!!!! xoxoxo!!!Dear Bonnie,
Like the others….I am delighted for you. Your current life is a result of the amazing courage you displayed in trusting the universe and your poor battered heart. I couldn’t be happier for you and all that have moved on to the “abundance of life” that Diane is always talking about. God Bless You. Karen xx
Bonnie, I think you are amazing. I am so happy for you, and so glad that you set yourself free. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and your courage is truly awesome. xoxo
Karen- Zgirl is making her journey to the Carolina’s ONCE AGAIN this holiday weekend!! (Labor Day!)
Must have been some good stuff, wink wink!!
Bonnie,
So happy for you and your new life. You sound so much happier and lighter. I’m sorry about your job. I know you will find another and all this does put life in perspective. You’re really a sweet and neat soul Bonnie. Wishing you peace, love, and Joy always!!
Love you too, NapxoSL,
Zumba girl is coming to visit you again! You must be a good cook. I like ‘hot’ dishes too!!!
Love, NapPS ZG, have a great time!!!
Hooray for you, Bonnie! I am so happy for you. Your story moved me to tears, too. You made it out. Life is good again. Keep living the dream, girl.
Yes, I’m looking forward to my visit to NC to see my wonderful college friend! Who knows when I’ll get back there again, so I’m really looking forward to it and hoping it goes well. So nice to have this amazing person in this surreal life. It’s a bit complicated, but it will get sorted out…
Love to all!!!!Beautiful Bonnie,
You take my breath away and I am sitting here in complete awe.
You exemplify what this site is all about–finding our way back to who we are, who we somehow lost along the way, our joy, our love and our courage to say ‘no’ to abuse and ‘yes’ to life.
Thank you so much for giving all of us that hope. My vision is that each and every woman here will have the tools and resources to find their own peace and joy in whatever form is right for them at the moment.
I want a 100% success rate for US! And Bonnie, Your courage and inspiration will help guide us all.
Thank you for being you.
With much love ~ JoAnn
Bonnie, Courage is the first word I think of when I think of you. They way you planned and executed your exit was unbelievable. And the fact that you followed through and got the support of you family was excellent. I’m so very proud of you and I hope you stick around and help the rest of us when our time comes. I’ve missed you so much and I think of you often.
Much love, Claire
Bonnie this is so awesome. As I read your post I thought this is what Joann wanted I am sure when she started this site. Then I scrolled down and read Joann’s site and my thoughts were confirmed. You are our hero. You have come to this sight, no doubt, with confusion, hurts and mixed emotions. You have found the inner strength to love again. You teaching us that there is life beyond the life with a SA. Thank you for posting this encouraging thread.
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