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I’m confused.
My mind is full. I think too much.
This post is about sex. Sex with the sex addict. I found out about my husbands SA on October 10th 2011, 3 short weeks ago. After finding out this information and he immediately getting into action to change etc. I decided that I would stay with him and try to work this out and hope to have this work out.
After about a week, we began having sex again. We did have sex in our relationship before but only about once a month. When we were dating and the beginning of our marriage we had sex more often. It didn’t seem to slack off until we built a home out in the suburbs and have a 45-60 (one way) commute to work. That drive home from work wore us out. At least that’s how I remember it, he has recently told me that also his porn addiction was getting worse as well each year of course it got worse.
So now, now, we are having sex, great sex, wonderful sex. Sex like we had before we moved out to the suburbs. It’s not weird, it’s not different, it’s intimate, it’s fun. After, I don’t feel dirty, I don’t feel cheap, I don’t feel bad. The weird thing is, before I knew about all of this before Oct 10th, sometimes when we did have sex, I did feel bad after but from what I’ve read and from what my husband says is that before he didn’t have a connection there with me. He was distant and after he would distance himself from me. He didn’t know what to do with his feelings. His feelings of guilt and shame of his secret life. But now, he doesn’t have that anymore.
So, I’m confused because though my feelings aren’t weird about this, my mind starts breaking it down and saying to me, this may not be healthy, this may not be right, this may be some classic way spouses react. I’ve looked for research regarding this but I haven’t really found anything. Our therapist seems to think it is. But, he is not a certified sexual addiction therapist, he is an addiction therapist and a couples therapist. There was talk during our session today that we might consider finding someone who is better qualified.
So…my question is. If anyone has any advice in this behavior. Is this normal? Is this healthy? Could this be okay?
Thoughts?
Thanks
Dear Mary,
All I can add is my own thoughts and experiences. I think the question of sex after discovery is highly individual. I know some women who have decided absolutely not and others (like me) who continue to have sex. I am now five months post discovery and as I look back I think the first three months were the most confusing months of my life (and I’m 61!) Since a part of my husband’s SA was cheating on me with my best friend, I have had problems with images of them together. We have had some good sex in the last few months. I notice now it is infrequent but that’s partly due to his attending a SA treatment program. We’ve had a good sex life together overall over the years. I think it’s good that you are paying attention to your feelings and I encourage you to listen to your feelings and pay attention to your needs. My own experience was that the first three months was a huge roller-coaster. Anyway, love and strength to you.Honey,
Every woman is different depending on a lot of different factors. And while I definitely understand that one motivating factor is to KEEP the SA from acting out, that is not always the case.
Now.
He’s been with a lot of women. I caught some dangerous strains of HPV from predator. SAs very, very often do not use protection and of course, they will say that they do, but they don’t. And even IF, they do, you can STILL GET STDs!!!
I actually did not know that, either. HPV, lives ON, the genitals and unless, he’s wearing a full-body condom–LOL… you can still get it from him!
Some of the strains cause vaginal warts, but those strains do not cause cancer.
Please get yourself checked out. There is no test for HPV in men, and for women its only through a pap smear.
I am grateful that I have no desire to have sex with my husband. In fact, the thought of him anywhere near me, makes my skin crawl…
As for it being okay for the SA. I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t care, because most of them are massively fucked up individuals and cannot sustain, much of anything…whatsoever, but that’s just my experience.
Love,
L
(((hugs))) ~ L
Mary, I think it’s very normal. I had shut down on sex for years, but not long after being devastated from learning about my h’s sex addiction, I suddenly got interested again. I was afraid I was some kind of perv or something, but I’ve since learned that it’s a very common reaction. Maybe it’s some sort of primal thing of trying to reclaim our man or something like that.
The bad part, for me, was that I think for a little while that I was pretending to myself that he was all better now, and that we’d have the emotional and physical intimacy back like magic. But it didn’t exactly work that way for us.
But as laurenbutterfly said, it’s a very individual thing, so don’t worry, and trust yourself. Wishing you all the best.Hi Mary. It’s classic ‘reclaiming your territory’. I had sex every day/night shortly after disclosure for weeks or months, I don’t remember. We had no sex for so long due to the same: guilt, shame, and therefore zero connection. There is a beautiful aspect to reconnecting with this person you have so much history with. Mine still wants it desperately, but the betrayals really offend my sense of justice-right-wrong etc so badly that I have backed off. Like Lauren, when we have gotten intimate, images of him with my friends in their homes or motels flash and I get sickened. I’m also distracted by someone else right now and I don’t want to fake it. Something has been irretrievably lost. I believe that God can create something beautiful from this mess, but I’m not sure if it’s with him.
I believe that you should go with what you feel. Life is short and you need to grab the beautiful moments when they are there. You will figure it out eventually, but no one expects you to have all the answers right now and know exactly what you’re doing. You deserve to do whatever floats your boat right now! Love Lylo
Hmmm. I guess every woman IS different. After D-day my husband was off limits as far as I was concerned. Not so much as a hug or a kiss. He didn’t deserve it. He screwed around on me, broke my heart, tore my world apart, and threatened my health. The last thing I wanted to do was be affectionate or loving to him.
While he was at his intensive, his psychologist suggested we refrain from sex for at least 6 months to a year. That was fine by me. Now he’s just over one year sober and we have just begun to be affectionate again. When will we have sex again? When the time is right. And I have no idea when that will be but we will know when the time is right.
I needed time to clear my head, absorb the situation, and most of all get therapy and begin to heal myself from all the trauma and pain. It’s taken a long time but we are getting there. I’ve supported him 100% in his recovery and I think that has helped us both.
So, I guess it’s a personal decision but I encourage you to get some professional help for yourself and get tested at the gynocologist.
Take care and much love, Claire
Hi Mary. I think it is a normal reaction. It happened that way for me also. We had the best sex of our whole marriage. It is the classic reclaiming your territory. Have you read “your sexually addicted spouse” yet? I think they cover it in there. It is an important part of our relationship and the closest we can be to someone. It is a lot more than just sex. you are hurt and entitled. This is more about you being validated than him having sex. Unfortunately for me, after about 3 weeks I found out he was lying about everything. And that was the end of that! So I haven’t had sex or slept with him since. my dday was 10/14/10. He told his csat that he never knew sex could be like that!
You are where I was a year ago and I think of you often because of that. I hope your year goes better. mine got a lot worse, but you know what? I am still here. I am stronger than I thought I could ever be. I know who my true friends are, and my kids stepped up in ways I never thought they could. Try to look for something good everyday. I wrote everything down to protect me from his lies. This helped immensely, as he would deny after he admitted what he did! When I go back and read it, it looks like a really bad nightmare. so glad I have it now. It helps a lot.There definitely is no such thing as “normal.” When I found a small trickle of information, I went into sex overdrive. Literally daily for over two months. Then the big bombshell came and that ended abruptly. His CSAT recommended a 90 day abstinence from any sex. Her reasoning was that a sex addict uses sex as a way to cope with their issues. And by taking it away completely, the underlying issues may come out. I don’t know how much that works but I didn’t care because I had no desire to have sex with him anyway.
After that we were having sex about once every 3 weeks or so. He’d initiate and I’d go along with it but didn’t want to. Partly I was worried he’d act out if he wasn’t getting any sex. And partly, I didn’t want to make him feel bad and dejected. (I know… how ironic that I’m still worried about his feelings) I would just completely detach myself during the act.
I gave up a couple months ago. I decided it was ludicrous that I was doing this to myself. So I’ve made it clear to my H that sobriety, forgiveness, trust and our relationship were traveling at different speeds and I don’t think rushing things along is good.
So don’t be alarmed if your feelings about having sex change from time to time. They may not. But if they do, that’s normal too. I guess it’s sort of like growing pains.
Just my 2 cents worth- I agree with Lexie.
And Eewwwww…….
No offense, of course! That Eewwww…. Was the thought of having sex with MY SA after D day. No effing WAY!
Ever.
And of course he sprang into action to change! He got caught! Believe me, I wish you all the luck in the world, I do, but please be cautious-with your health, your heart, your soul, your emotional well being.
Recovery is a VERY long, hard road. I hate to be pessimistic and I realize not every SA is like MY SA.
But….an SA is an SA. Sad, but true. Please… Keep your eyes wide open.
Thinking of you….
SL
Thank you! My eyes are wide open…..and I do have hope. Those two factors have me acting talking etc like i’m bipolar. Loving one minute and making threats about the possibility of him lying to me now and/or later. I do want to enjoy good times. But I don’t want to to be played again. I’m cautious, I watch him closely for signs. I’m torn bc I hope that he’s healing but frightened that he’s only using the info he’s learning to be more manipulative and sneaky. This is by far the most difficult path I’ve walked. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve stayed…..and if he does screw me over and all of this is just for show. Well then…shame on me!!!! Faith. Hope. Love. Forgiveness. and Pain. Lots of pain.
Hi all,
I am with claire on this one. i did not want to touch my h with a ten foot pole. I did for a period of 3 months “try” to carry on, but a regret it; and when I found out that he had been lying about his supposed recovery that was it. My h did not have affairs that i knew of at the initial point, so i did not feel there was a health risk. However as i got wiser i later realized, thanks to MTSA and friends, that it is typically never just porn. If its only just porn you are one of the lucky ones. And then as time went on, i understood the reality of it all, the devastation, and by most of all the betrayal…from his fake recovery. i was willing to give it that one more try when he supposedly was found out and being 100% honets and working towards an honest relationship and building trust and transparency. i could not move past that.Love,
FloraGawd Flora…..
Your story always pisses me off. I hate your SA! I always have. Now that I have met you- I not only hate him, I pity him. He is such a jack ass!! You are so fun and beautiful and caring and a GREAT Mom!!! And a wonderful, supportive friend and fellow sister as well!! I’m so glad you are moving on! You will have a happy ending girlfriend! Believe it!!Mary, Mary!!
I continue to think about you and your situation! I understand the bipolar thing! We have ALL been there!! Don’t let him make you crazy, sister!! Again, best of luck!! I will be watching your posts closely and call you act of things start looking shady!!! Hang in there!!! XO!!
Mary, that’s not bipolar! That’s what happens when our world has been turned upside down.
Sometimes, it just hits me, like in the grocery store today.
My husband has been fucking around behind my back for years and years…
but my belief system had been telling me, the entire time, that he would NEVER do anything like that.
Sometimes, in a weak moment, I am tempted to make a bargain with the devil… that’s how scared I am…
I’m so afraid… as crappy as a husband as he is in many ways… he was still my best friend.
how pathetic is that?
Lexie,
Be strong!! You can do this!!!
With best friends like THAT, who needs enemies!! You THOUGHT he was your best friend!!!That’s not a best friend, Triple L…. Not even close!!!
Plus, he stinks. Ewww….. Run girl!!!!
yeah… scary, isn’t it? and he says that since *I* have such poor judgment in boyfriends, that he needs to vet all of them, first.
yeah… that’s what he said.
going to bed.
i think.
i hope.
night.
xo
Glad someone brought that up, sex. Tomorrow it’s been a month since I found the texts to his previous (?) lover and previous (?) favorite prostitute from “before us”. Two days after that I shocked myself with what I now see as “reclaiming your territory” sex. Who WAS that woman? Things were looking positive. He sought counseling and a support group. I reasoned that the only thing left that was good in our marriage was sex, and I’ll be damned if he was going to destroy everything. Then it was “he always complained his first wife cut him off sexually when she was unhappy with him, and we can see where that lead”. Then another lie was disclosed. Another phone I didn’t know about, with other texts to the same women when he said those first ones were all, just keeping in touch because they were once important to him. Whoa buster. I did it once wiht him after that, not so hot anymore, sad, really sad, but sex still. Then 4 days ago, when he told me to get a number off his droid, there were 2 hits to Match.com. He insisted it was nothing he knew about. He’d never been on Match.com. He wanted me to read his journal, to see how he only loved me. It was tiring, the emotional rollercoaster, and I guess this was supposed to calm me. But he missed something in his annotations, I think. 4 additional women between his exwife and me. and 2 brief mentions of his wishing he could see one (after we were married!) I asked about her, where did he meet her? Match.com. Right. LIAR. This shared after I had returned from the STD screeings at the DR where I had to be listed as “high risk” for sexually transmitted due to social factors. How demeaning. Social factors = HIM! I was so livid I think I yelled at him for 15 mins straight about how I did not deserve this, being put in the same category with his hookers. And then I told him I was leaving, NOW. THen I realized I couldn’t, because of my son. And I had painted myself into a corner. No SEX anymore. Each time I let my guard down it’s only another opportunity for him to slice my heart. Have no idea where that leaves me, or him. And right now I don’t care at all. I have to detach from this chaos or die of heartbreak.
BTW, I type really fast and more so when I’m angry so I’m sorry to slam these mininovels on you lovely girls.Could we not create a “profile” and publish it, somewhere. I’ll take the fall for the discrimination suit, just to save some unsuspecting woman the hell of it all.
BTW, just Just finished the book “House Interrupted” by Maurita Corcoran. I found it insulting for two reasons. First, it was unabashedly proselytizing. Second, regarding trust the author admits she does not trust her husband, actually, and then states “Here is the great thing about how trust plays out in my life today. With my therapist’s help, I have re-evaluated my unrealistic expectations of people in general and my husband in particular.” So that’s the rub? We expect “unrealistically” for our husbands to be faithful, or at minimum, honest when they’re caught with their pants down? Well, if I could be brainwashed into believing my husband’s philandering reflects my shortcomings, that book would be just up my alley. Wait, we’ve only been married a year?! And he was doing this for 30 years prior ?! And he presented himself as a family loving, scout leader, church ministry worker, community oriented man and introducted me to friends and family who upheld the image prior to our choice to be exclusive, way before marriage?! If I had any expectations at all, it was because he created a persona he believed would comfort me into … trusting! … him.
The whole book buys into her enabling all this because of family of origin issues. She relates many retreats and intensive recover workships. Who do I know who can afford the time and money to do that, to explore childhood issues and their impact on your perspective on your FINK husband’s infideliities? The back cover states that the Corcorans have been in recovery for more than twelve years, and they remain happily married. Read it. That’s not happy, to me.
I will not be recommending that book to anyone, at all.
lynng what a shame/gift that you found out what a slime your h is in the first year. It took me 28 years, and after digging deep into his steel soul, I found out the first affair was 3 weeks after we were married!
Your h sounds like mine so much that I am beginning to wonder if mine is really working in Indiana every week. (he has been gone most of the year. comes home on wkends) Maybe he married you!!
Does you h leave every weekend?My point is -will we ever not have crazy thoughts like that run through our heads? Is that really any way to live?
Gosh you are 1 year into this, no kids with him, run run run run!
I am sure he is great with your kids. Mine is too. But my youngest (16) has overheard so much ~ because it takes a week to get him to admit to each thing, that she is sad being around him. I am sure your kids feel it too. This is about them also and they need protection from the evilness.
They are the ones who screwed this up. Fool me once-shame on him-fool me twice-shame on me.
Hugs
HeidiMy psychologist must have read House Interupted or helped write it. She says you shouldn’t ANY expectations that anyone DO anything. You can only ask them to “try.” And that when you trust someone it must always be “with awareness.” If they do something suspicious you should BE suspicious. Doesn’t that just mean you don’t trust them?
I don’t know. I have issue with the “expectations” word used in this way in terms of marital fidelity. When you marry, and you say “keeping myself only unto you for as long as we both shall live” that is a verbal contract with witnesses in my mind that is far more weighty than a mere expectation on my part. It is law. It is sanctified and nobody twisted your arm to do it. As far as run, run, run, I haven’t worked since we were married. Moved to another state and did not transfer my nursing license since we are trying to sell this house and it would have been a very expensive and probably temporary thing. We were planning on moving out of state. Now my little house that I left is in a state of disrepair with mold I never knew existed til now. At minimum I would need two months lead time. When I graduated it took 9 mos to get a job, and that was in much better times. I’m meeting with a school counselor to talk about LPN to BSN online classes in the interim. But I know I can’t handle school, full time work, and two severly emotionally damaged children and a traumatized me. SO… I have to decided which to tackle, in what order. But I am thinking it, if nothing else than to have a fallback plan if H goes far afield. It was such a wonderful thing to hear my son use the term “dad” with affection again, though. This would be two he’s lost to the wonderful world of porn. It was such a dream that he could have a male role model who actually was a MAN. Geez.
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