A tough question…bear with me!

Addictions are progressive, according to everything I have read and if you want to stick with SA as an addiction.

As far as the PD is concerned, I have read that thier PD’s worsen with age because the frontal lobe function diminishes and that is the executive function button of their defense mechanisms. without their elaborate and many times unconscious (because of the hardwiring and longevity) defense mechanisms, they are exposed. The curtain is pulled back on the great and powerful Oz.

I wouldn’t say my H is worse, there are some horrific stories from his younger years before I married him, but I certainly know that he cycles. When he went through this last bout, my counselor asked me when I started with her, “What changed?” I know there were triggers that set his psycho off.

And, of course, when you have never experienced anything like this, you have no frame of reference and just try to cope, to fix it.

Also, when we are so close to a situation, it’s harder to see what’s happening. We’re generally just not as objective as we’d be if we were viewing this going on with someone we hadn’t shared our life with for years. Like March said a while back, we tend to view other couples’ situations in the abstract. But our own, not so much.

Karen, I think it’s the til death do us part and the for better or worse bits of marriage vows and the eternal hope they’ll get it? Perhaps it’s that bit of us that can’t believe our judgement was so wrong ? While we have separated and divorce is progressing I still wonder if I could’ve or should’ve tried harder… Social conditioning into protecting the marriage?

Julie, I think we all ignored the red flags.

I know now I projected what I wanted to find in a man onto my husband and so naturally he was all those things. My body clock was ticking, I wanted to be married again to have more children. I wanted to be worshipped and loved and secure. So, when I met my H and he was attractive with a good job all my other desires were projected and he met them because I so adult wanted him to. Once the physical rush had worn off a little and the reality sank in – I saw who he was not who I had wanted him to be. I’m afraid I think that’s my truth. I think I did that as much as he allowed himself to be seen by me like that because that’s who he wanted to be.
My family knew, my friends knew. They told me. Did I listen? No.
That’s my learning. To not project my desires on anyone else. Friend, potential suitor, children. Self.