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Tonight, I’m not sure why… I made my h open up his email… (well, one of them). I didn’t find anything and I don’t remember why, but he offered to let me see… and at one point, I got mad at him, because he laughed at me when I asked him who so and so was.
Eventually, I just got up and started working on a blog post… and maybe I was reading on here… but he came over and began to rub my back and gave me– maybe for the first time, what truly felt like a heartfelt apology for everything that he’s done. (and hasn’t done).
He said that he never meant to hurt me and that he knew that I had been hurt badly in my childhood, but that he had never made a connection about that, and what he was doing. But of course, for me, there IS a connection. All things in our lives are connected, somehow, or should be, I think.
he really wasn’t thinking.
he did not want to think.
In most cases, I do not think that they really put much thought into what they are doing… I really don’t. Its like walking into the kitchen and making oneself a snack. Do you ruminate for hours about how that’s going to affect your marriage or your partner?
well, that’s how I think it is for them. They are just helping themselves to a “snack.”
Dinner will be later, at “home.” 🙁
But, as my husband was apologizing and rubbing my back (which is how we have “sex”– now that is SAFE sex! haha!)
…he said, that he would always be willing to help me, in any way that I needed, if I would let him.
I so want to take off my boxing gloves. I’m tired of being angry and hurt, but I still want a new life.
I’m tired of living this “dead” existence, in a house with no grass.. not greener grass… just some fucking grass!
I keep seeing where I want to live and seeing myself having enough business to support myself.
I see a man who comes into my life and says…
“holy crap, you’re not married, anymore? yipppeeee!!!”
At least my husband isn’t being a complete ass… I feel for him too… He needed help, a long time ago… and I tried to help him to get it… I did, but it was already too late. He was already deeply ensconced in his addiction and was terrified of what he would find on the other side.
and yes, that’s very sad… but I also believe that our separating will force him into action.
It’ll force BOTH of us, and maybe that’s exactly what we need.
It’ll be alright.
Love,
Laurel
Hi Laurel,
I understand that this moment was important in your overall journey. There is grace in even the momentary connection that tells us we weren’t completely crazy to have loved this person. It is those little moments sprinkled like pixie dust on my 30 years of his con, that make me believe that one day something of that time will belong to me again, and have been real. But I will also know that most of it wasn’t.So my conclusion was that I couldn’t build a life on those few moments, I could only build a few memories and get to keep them. And I think something like what you have suggested, that being apart HAS to happen if my SA is to ever become well. I don’t think he can have a marriage with me and be well. Because he can’t not use me. He can’t stop it. So the way of doing that has to be closed off. He can’t have any chance to defocus or scapegoat or excuse or distract or use or hide behind me. It is seeing this clearly now, that will save those few moments, for real.
love you always,
Diane.Thank you so much Diane.
I really think I’ve turned the corner. Oh, I hope to God that I have… because I’m so tired of suffering… of feeling so G-D hurt and like I’ve lost so much time and lost myself, in the process.
I’m working hard on my REAL blog and its giving me a new-found energy, which I also hope lasts. I was using my innate creativity… but using for lowly dark purposes… like torturing my pathological boyfriend.
wtf???
and for what? why would I do even do that, for one minute?
But, I’m grateful for that experience and I will tell you why.
I’m grateful for it because I won’t make that mistake EVER AGAIN, when I am single. I got it ALL out of my system. I know what to look for and can sniff out all of the red flags which always present themselves.
Its so funny how people DO tell us the truth about themselves. They do… but we don’t really listen… we chuckle, or dismiss it, or deny… after-all…
he doesn’t really lie (all the time), or he doesn’t SEE to have any sexual dysfunction with ME. (no, not now, but he WILL)
of course, he will!
any problem he with another woman will present itself with us too… we are not “special” or “different”— not when it comes to their issues.
Today, I actually asked my husband to come for a drive with me… (well, actually to help me pick some stuff up from a client). But I didn’t have to ask him.
and it was alright.
but, I still want out of the marriage…
he isn’t going to change…
and the only way either of us has any possibility of changing… (and GROWING, and realizing our fullest potential) is to go our separate ways…
It wasn’t like that in the beginning, but it became that way, over time…
and the trust is gone.
I can’t live with a man that I don’t trust.
But, he can still program my web site… and lift heavy boxes.
He’s good for that.
😉Lexie
I am so glad you are feeling that you are finally turning the corner. I know you will soon see and feel the happiness you so richly deserve.I have heard and felt your pain in every post you write. Your posts have giving me so much insight to this horrible mess we find ourselves in. That I can not express in words my gratitude towards you, for your posts has giving me such an understanding of this sick disease. THANK YOU!!!!!!
{{{hugs}}}
JacHi Lex,
I know there’s something I want to say, it’s here inside…but I’m not sure it will come out right, so here goes.I think you were given a gift when your husband said those words and touched you in that way. It was the sort of gift that just may leave you with less hurt and hate and resentment when you do find your new life. I truly believe you want a new life, and need a new life apart from him. Perhaps this is a portion of grace you need to keep on pursuing that dream.
I too have heard and still hear all the pain in your posts and I hurt for you, but I also pray for your healing too.
Luv, Lindy
Thank you both so much. It means a lot to me. And Lindy, you expressed yourself beautifully!
Yes, it was a gift… for that brief moment, I had my tender, loving husband back… but he can’t sustain it. He just never learned how to do that— with anyone.
I’m not sure if he’s ever experienced a profound loss… I think once one has, then the appreciation of life is all the more dear.
But, he’s going to, and very soon… his mother is dying now…
Loss is tough and healing takes time… But, that one gesture gave me a lot of hope.
At the bottom of all of this, isn’t it simply the fact that we don’t feel loved and cared for? and not only that, by the ONE person we thought did?
That’s not an easy thing to get past, even IF its simply because that person is sick and/or suffering from their own demons.
Love ~ Laurel
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