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Hello Ladies,
I just wanted to share yet another experience from the wknd. On a happy note, we celebrated my daughter’s 6th bday. It was a wonderful blessed day, huge turnout, great parents, and great venue– kids gym. I can’t tell you how happy it made my daughter and me and SAH alike- to give a wonderful gift like her first real party. all others have been small. For that I am grateful.
What I am not so happy about, is H is just a run of the mill druggie junkie–fuctioning, not in the house but it’s real. H has been on party binge– alcohol valiums, lieng, going out, manipulting with money, etc. same ol same ol sex addict, substance abusing junkie behavior. For last 2 weeks. I am sure there have been acting out episodes. I just “know” don’t need evidence.
I have reached a strange place with his choices in life. When he says, – I am going here, there or whatever, I say ok. have a good time. and don’t care anymore. let his addiction take him to whereever it can. I will not wrestle or investigate to death. I feel he is responsible for those choices. I focus on daughter and me. and enjoying what I can in life.
Well last night I get the same old song. THE I AM AN ADDICT SPEECH. “PAM I HAVE BEEN LYING TO YOU.” OH REALLY? I MEAN PLEASE. WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME SOOOOOOOO ANGRY! OH NOW, NOW YOU ARE AN ADDICT. What a nice excuse for shitty behavior that destroys your family. Loser would be a better title. Just a loser. – You should say Pam, I AM BIG FAT DISGUSTING LOSER. Then I would not be so angry. I am starting to hate 12 step powerless speech thing. I mean really, they are powerless? I could barf my lunch.
He told me he had things to tell me. I told him not to disclose. Unless that would be helpful TO ME IN MY HEALING. NOT JUST A RELIEF OF HIS GUILT. He said it probably woulnd’t help. So I told him to shut up and get sober and deal with the consequences of his actions. I am not a confessional, ‘FORGIVE ME I HAVE SINNED” and then go back out to do it agian. Catholic church is there for that. I am only interested in knowing things that I need to know, and that will help me heal. Other than that. Shut up.
He did. And was dumbfounded, puzzled. GOOD.
I told him he needed rehab for substance abuse and his SA, and I expect him to check in in January. I made him promise. yeah, an addict’s promise. good as gold? not. but I did anyway. I told him he needs to because, life sucks living with him, especially while he is coming off of all his MEDS. It is unfair to put me through it. His daughter through it. He is toxic and needs to be contained somewhere away from us. take your addictive disease and check in.
He agreed. But that was yesterday. YOu know how this goes. HOwever, I want him in rehab and out of the house for awhile. I expect January it will actually happen. We have to run biz during holidays. After that it is slow, and he can go. I can’t wait. It will be a vacation.
But I feel it is time for a change. what we are doing is not working. Also, I want his power to make decisions completely removed from him. no authority what so ever. don’t know how to accomplish that. but I am not having this “addict” run our financial life anymore. that I know for sure. IF he wants the marriage as much as he says he does. boy oh boy people. there’s a new bitch in town. I may hve outside bookkeeper financial person run all money. with him hving no authority. he needs all power taken from him. all of it. I don’t know if it can be accomplished or not. we’ll see how bad he wants sobriety. is all i can say.
thoughts?
YOu know what else, when he is out medicating and out of the house? Life is pretty good. out of sight, out of mind. I can’t believe that I reached the I DON”T CARE place. I am finding it really effective. They get scared. they know we don’t care if they go off the bridge.
anyway, that’l life in SA. Today.
I told him to think very very carefully about what he says. I told him telling me about horrible behavior can only be productive if that behavior is in the past and he has turned a new leaf. I told him that has not happened. him telling me what he’s been upto can only hurt me, as it destroys things I hold cherished. I will not allow him to shit on it.Pam, I admire your strength and where you stand right now. I would love to make it to that place, myself. I know that you still suffer; I know it’s not easy. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Hi Pam,
You have alot of gumption and strength and you are taking your power back. That must feel really good to do so. I think you have come along way in the past 6 months and you should be very proud of yourself. You pick and choose what is best for you. Your daughter will learn some very valuable lessons from you. Keep on moving forward, I think you’re doing great and your not in denial any more. Which is huge for anyone. Wishing you all the best!
Much love, NapWow, I’m taking lessons. Way to go in short-circuiting his “confessional”. It’s just the psycho-spiritual masturbation scene. (IMO). I hope you can clip his wings successfully for the well-being of the business. And I hope you can do more than just live your life working around his life.
D.Thanks so much Diane! And March you took the A word right out of my mouth. Diane I too hope to clip the wings. But I think the backlash may not be worth it. He ways he wants it, then gets angry at the loss of control and power he will endure. I honestly honestly don’t know if I can/or want to do it. But I have come to a place where, sadly enough, I cannot make myself vulerable to him anymore to the best of my ability. I also believe that no one should be in a postion of power to cause me that much pain. I am doing my best to not let his behavior control me. but it is most difficult. thanks for all your encouraging words.
Oh Pam,
I am sorry he makes your life so damn hard. 🙁 He sounds like a right drama queen and narc and it must be exhausting the way he keeps trying to involve YOU in his sick behavior. On the positive, I commend you telling him to stuff his “confessions”. Once we realize that their “back and forth” and “push and pull” is all part of them controlling our feelings, our hearts and our lives…well then we are one small step ahead of the game? I used to have many power struggles with my husband over money and I felt he would never relinquish control. When I withdrew emotionally and physically….suddenly he began to play more fair financially. I think you are correct….they feel us withdrawing and they panic and begin to come to heel. Of course, it remains ALL about them no matter what they do? If they cannot engage you with one behavior, they use another. As long as you are with him, all you can hope for is to play the game in your own favor…try to secure elements in your life that are important to you. Other than that….well….it certainly isn’t an ideal life by ANY standard is it?? BIG HUG Karen xx
Hi again,
I think Karen makes a really good point around how the “confessional” aspect of the SA behaviour works. She said what I meant to say but couldn’t. The “back and forth” and “push and Pull” that she points out is all about them controlling our feelings by demanding attention that drains us but ultimately doesn’t change anything.Heading off to rehab sounds like a win/win. He sounds like he needs it for the substance abuse in the very least. And having some peace and quiet sounds like just what the doctor ordered for you.
Wow, Pam-C, you are amazing! I’m awed at your strength and tenacity. Way to go! Send him to rehab asap. My husband went to rehab (sex addiction) and when I joined him for the clinical disclosure with polygraph I learned about a whole new level of his behavior. I hope you don’t have the same experience but there is something to be said for knowing what you are dealing with, horrible as it may be. Anyway, I wish you lots of luck; you deserve it.
Thank you all so much for your responses. Well – now that its one week later? Where are we at? OPERATION BACKLASH. KNow this one? It seems dear ol’ SA is now ANGRY that he can’t have his yum yum no mo’. We haven’t even started a program. And he is TWEAKED. And now that his meds are wearing off, he is like a 3 headed monster. Godzilla would be the category.
This guy is in a BAD BAD way ladies. Scary. Angry. Addicted. Under the effect of substances. Or, coming off the effect of substances. Sleeping a TON, out of it, depressed, angry–. Streaked with moments of normalcy / clarity. I have let go in many ways. While I think I displayed a moment of strength last post– boy, is there price to pay.
He is bullying with anger to get back power. It is wretched to listen to and endure. I still refuse to take any responsibility for his addictive state, or his anger. He will have to find his own bottom. It is tragic to watch. A man with everything, beautiful home, wife, child business, my career, family– just fuck it all up. I can no longer play rescue. I have quit the A team. He’s on his own.
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