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So, are you all packed? Is your daughter all packed? Will she have to change schools? Does your son know the two of you are leaving on Tuesday? Have you given him another chance to go with you? ~ JoAnn
Oh, and, do you have a gun? If you would hesitate to use it at least have a taser. If he threatens you in any way get a restraining order–after you call the police. ~ JoAnn
I am 90% packed. I am trying to do it little by little. When he is away. I have no furniture. I pay the dep. On Monday and was told I could move on Tuesday. I will buy furniture and have delivered and set up as soon as I can. I have to see if I have any ALJ hearings on Tuesday to schedule the move. I told A I wanted to leave but just like most everything I say in one ear and out the other. So I am doing it when h is gone so he will not harass me. I haven’t told son again. I will tell him Friday when he is OTW home. I dont want him to worry at school. I am not sure how school activities go. If we take turns? She doesn’t have to change because I will be doing the transportation. The DV counselor told me to call the school board and ask. The SB said NP clear it with the P.
SOT – keep up the momentum!
I want to acknowledge that you seem to have been psychologically, verbally, sexually and emotionally abused for a very long time. This can make you feel and be vulnerable to being more damaged as you leave.
Leaving is when any abuser tends to escalate abuse. Please carry on with a safe plan for leaving. And, I support you in finding ways to protect yourself from all types of his abuse in the process. Crises lines can be a good minute to inure support too. I sure benefitted from that service.
After you are moved, a period of no contact may be ideal so you can feel your own truth without ant battering from him. You can start the journey of healing. It will take time . Go slow.
A therapist can help support this difficult early phase. You can tell the SA BASTARD that you need time. You can put someone else in charge if communicating with him. Why let him have access when his only goal us to hurt you?????
Love and support to ending any power he wants to lord over you. He will be tenacious. So what! Let the damn air out of him!!
Desiree
I am a little confused SOT.
Are you putting a deposit down tomorrow (Monday) and moving the next day (this Tuesday)? ~ JoAnn
I am eligible to move Tuesday. The current renter leaves mon and the realtor needed to do a final inspection. I am not sure if I will have everything. Moving is a b and moving incognito is a b squared.
Thanks Desiree. I’ll respond better later A here.
It’s good news to hear you have a place to go on Tuesday.
I agree with Desiree, especially about the increased vulnerability from being abused for so very long. SOT has also been physically abused.
I respectfully disagree with sisters about telling him the full truth, particularly regarding effects of his abuse. Safety comes first, in my perspective, when leaving a batterer. I don’t believe you need to confront him about all the abuse as you leave, SOT. You need to do this carefully and safely. The risk of danger increases when you leave. I know you know this already, because you have spoken about it yourself. It’s literally the most dangerous time. Over 70% of domestic violence homicides happen after the victim has left. Have you spoken to the DV counsellor about the move next week? If you haven’t already, I think you should call them, you need as much safety advice specific to your individual situation as you can, including of course as much support when you leave as you can. It doesn’t guarantee the abuse will stop. They tend to escalate once they lose their control and feel they have nothing left to lose. Said with enormous love and concern for you. Make this move as safe as you can.
I agree that SOT needs to be safe, but that has been discussed with her many times here. She has all the information and all the tools she needs. She has contacts and she has resources.
She does not need to confront, but she also does not need to lie and take on blame that is not hers. That will only fuel his abuse.
The most important thing is that she moves forward NOW.
If we were only talking about her things would be different. In this case her daughter is in danger, possibly more than we know about, and it is time for action. ~ JoAnn
Absolutely agree JoAnn, she does not need to take on any blame. It’s sad to read when she blames herself, although understandable because blaming ourselves is exactly what abusers train us to do. Sharing the blame only places her at greater risk and can keep her captive to the abuse.
Thank you sweet sista’s. I am sorry I put you in a position to tell me what to say. I will ask my atty and the DV what is the legally required communication required about my daughter and son. I will leave a note or maybe ask atty to send a certified one. Maybe I will just say this is not working not accepting blame or placing blame. I am sorry I put you in a bad spot. Sheri
There has been a lot since about 2 years after D day. Before 2 years after D day, I was eager to please. That included making sacrifices that a normal woman with a great self esteem probably wouldn’t do. he worked 5 minutes from where my daughter’s sitter was. He wouldn’t pick her up, instead I would get off of work and drive 20 minutes out of the way to get her. I really don’t care because I enjoyed taking care of my children. I am only using this as an examplebof his selfishness. After I realized he wasn’t sorry and wasn’t going to stop that is when the real power struggle started. I did lie to him about the # of boyfriends I had before we were married. However, we slept together before we ever had that discussion. That doesn’t give him a free pass to use against me fo every thing he does in the future. He didnt even seem mad at me until he was busted.
Before my realization I basically worshiped him. I was resentful about the unequal duties. There were really hateful things he did also. I suffer from migraines. My RX is 235.00 a month. One mothers day when I was pregnant with my daughter I was very sick nausea and h/a. Well my prince sat outside on the porch and refused to come inside until the dishes in the sink were done. There has never been a whole lot of compassion for my illnesses or need for downtime. The last 14 years I took the kids by myself to church. He never went except Easter and Christmas, but he insisted I take the kids.
I am no longer willing to be treated likeba slave because I am a woman. I don’t respect him and I don’t trust him. he is not the spiritual leader or head of the home, he lost that right. I have allowed him to dictate to me and now he will not let me change.
I have allowed all of this time because I thought that is what a good wife should do. I no longer feel that way.
I have had insomnia for several years now. It started with struggles to pay our bills, then there was his SA crap, and I think I might be Peri-menopausal. He gets furious with me because hethinks if I just lay in bed I can go to sleep. Nope just flip.
SOT-
Great news on the move!!! Space is so important in getting a real perspective on what is happening. And you will be so surprised how things change in your head once you are S-A-F-E. You don’t even know how unsafe you are and that’s normal, frog in the pot syndrome, gradually learning to live with increasing threats.
On that letter, just don’t write one. I don’t know the laws where you live, but here’s what I would do. Give him a phone number – hopefully one you can filter his calls on – and a daily time to discuss anything needed regarding the necessities. No contact outside that and make the calls short for your sake.
Also, give him the name of a person who DOES NOT LIVE WITH YOU to be a go between regarding the children. I wouldn’t even let him know where you are going, if that’s possible. Just a person who can verify that the children are safe, and possibly be a pickup and dropoff point. Keep your home a sanctuary where the inevitable conflicts about coming and going do not take place.
In no time, your son will be there.
Nothing, NOTHING you say to him in a letter will make any difference in this situation. What you do, will. What’s more, anything you admit to in writing, he will use as a weapon in future. Guaranteed. I’m sorry. He’s not that original at all.
Thanks lynn, that’s exactly what I was thinking.
SOT, do not let him know where you are. Do not engage in any type of discussion with him.
You need your space.
Arrange a safe, public place to exchange children. Do not answer his calls or texts or e-mails. Your daughter is old enough to refuse visitation. Let her decide that. Show her by example that she has rights as a woman and a human being.
Find an attorney and at the very least set up a temporary separation agreement. He will have to support you and your daughter for at least a while.
If you file for divorce you are entitled to half.
Let the professionals handle the negotiations.
Be strong. He cannot hurt you if he does not know where you are. ~ JoAnn
SOT I agree. You have to get out of there. You need serious help to undo the damage he has inflicted on you. Leave when he isn’t there and leave your son behind. Don’t let him know where you are and have your att communicate with him. Don’t allow him to say anything to you in ANY form and do not allow him to come near you. Get a restraining order right away. Your life does NOT have to be this way. You need to get yourself and your daughter to safety. You can do this……
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