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First they do “little” stuff like putting out feelers. Next thing ya know they are feeling someone up….They will do as much as they can get away with at any given time.
Im so sorry you are going through this. 🙁Oh it was so sad to wake up and read this news. I am so angry with your husband! Do they not realize that this will blow all the progress that’s been made? How can they be so stupid and selfish! Seriously, what does she need to know about a mortgage that she can’t get from looking online. Obviously there is no excuse for his behavior. He shouldn’t have done this at all. I am so sad for you to have those wounds opened again.
It’s always one or two steps forward if we’re lucky then bam! They do something stupid and we’re 10 steps back.
There’s never an end to the cycle until we finally leave.
I’m sorry Barbra. I’m confused by the sequence though. Did the ‘feelers’ (don’t know what this is) prompt her to make contact with her or did you telling him about her contacting you cause ‘the issues’. Did he elaborate on ‘his issues’?
Whatever the sequence of events he is a dope. xo CatherineBanana slicer….. So sorry Barbra, these guys are penis driven rats. Thinking of you dear sister.
Love, NapxoThanks ladies…feelers so far meant…he was trying to see what she wanted…well she wanted another fuck…don’t you think…. He didn’t reach her…because no typical whore probably seduces a man through google circles ….enough said….too much chaos tonight ….will write later this week….he is talking to his sponsor, talking to his shrink, and trying to remember what empathy and compassion means right now and why “I didn’t even talk to her” just doesn’t fucken matter in my book……
These things are called “relapses and/or slips” in 12 step/Carnes vernacular. In real life speak it is called ..”my husband tried to get in touch with some whore he was fucking”.
You have to CHOOSE which language you want to speak.
I agree, we have to give it to them straight. No side speak.
“That Willie Nelson biTch calling you or are you calling her MF”…….then get out the banana slicer and scare the shit out of them. I get carried away because they make me sick…. They’re so dumb. Geez….So sorry Barbra. They just never stop hurting us. It absolutely is mind blowing. Be kind to yourself, always remember that you have done nothing to create this, and give him the cold shoulder, silent treatment, and a banana slicer.
Much love, Claire
June in LA – I shall be carrying a copy of the NY Times and wearing a red rose in my new haircut:-) Meg
Me too…Carnes can call it a slip, I call it a slap in the face…it is an attempt to contact for whatever fucked up reason in his head (to put closure or whatever) a former acting out partner…FUCK THAT….okay, I need to work, I cant deal with this for a few days….cold shoulder, whatever, I need to process this crap and focus on work and the kids for a few days…and myself….ugggg
What I call it is An Inability to Resist Temptation. Maybe, for a while, they won’t go looking for it, but if it comes anywhere near their radar…
It is such a farce…so he is at his shrink now, and his SA meeting and his sponsor, Tuesday is his night….and he calls in between all his crap, to see what I want to do…and its like – stop asking me fucking questions, give me space, let me fucken breathe for 3 minutes….like what I want to do is SCREAM at you…but I know you are so fucken fragile that you cant handle it…like I want to say that I know that if I really tell you that I want to take the banana slicer and slice you and your Willie Nelson bitches up (yes NAP I can still laugh at that visual) you will be destroyed and because my kids fucken adore you so much and because I know you are such a sad piece of shit that is so fucken broken inside I need you to pull your shit together for just a few more years so they dont know what a stupid fuck head you really are and because I know you can do it if you would just grow the fuck up and be a man…. and because for some strange reason I know that you have the capacity for insight and can actually learn to understand how to be a better man…
Anyhow, I am a process type person. I need a few days or a week to process before making any decisions. But basically, I will fluctuate between separation, divorce, sending him to Minwalla, running away, sending an email to everyone he slept with and say “bitches he is available- oh by the way he was fucking all of you at the same time, if you want your pictures , they are all attached to this email”, couples therapy, putting pictures on craigslist, singing sad songs loud, long car rides, silent treatment, working, not working, reading posts, and talking. Eventually, I will make some decisions and I will be comfortable with the decision I make and share it.
That’s how I roll….. 🙂
More to come. Thanks for your support and friendship. I appreciate the willingness of you all to let me be me.
Barbra,
I am crying for you- oh, I so remember feeling angry and helpless and bewildered. Why do they throw so much away? We see the potential, the happy family that could be. Why don’t they?And who the fuck cares if he is fragile? Aren’t you and your precious children fragile? Isn’t he supposed to the man, the protector of his family?
Barbra, you have shown him such incredible grace. Shame on him for what he is doing.
The sad part is that today he thinks that the intention to contact someone isnt that much of a violation….by Thursday he will realize that is is a huge deal…because he does have insight…and he is not really as dumb as most ..but today, he isnt quite there….which tells me that he WENT WAY WAY WAY backwards….SOOOOOOO FAST….like 123…..which means that at any second POOOOOF he can go WAY WAY WAY back…..just like you all said….which i knew… I never said he wouldnt ….I always said he might…..but he is DAMN CLOSE……
So……its not my job to save him from himself……..
But….. what if you knew, 100% that you could do something that could possibly keep him from disappointing your kids………….
hmmmmmmmm…… not definitely…..possibly…
at what cost? hmmmmmm I dont know…
let me think about it….
Barbra, I know your head is spinning trying to find some way out of this shitstorm. And who wouldn’t be doing the same damn thing? Because no one wants to be put in the position you are finding yourself in.
And that is the way it happens- one minute things are fine and the next you are looking at the wreckage of your lives and wondering how the hell did that happen?
I don’t know what you could do that keep him from disappointing your kids, Barbra. But that is a lot to put on you. How many of us wouldn’t give anything to have that ability? But I don’t know where you can find that superpower.
Barbra, I am guessing that you told him your boundaries and the consequences before all this happened? What were they?
It seems pretty convenient that he is going to “get it” by Thursday….I am guessing he knows by Thursday that you will have calmed down, thought it thru and decided to give him a chance because you love your children.
You said he wasn’t stupid and I am betting he isn’t. He knows you.
Good question. The consequence for this boundary violation is separation. Plain and simple. So, the ball is in my court. This boundary was set almost one year ago. All the boundaries were set with the caveat that I could change them at any time and I allowed myself that flexibility because I never wanted to put myself in a position where I was so rigid that I needed to do something to prove a point or hold myself to something that no longer worked. As I get older (I know I look so young in my professional headshot but I really look more worn and tired in real life) i realized that life is not as black and white as I wanted it to be. So I allowed myself some gray. And now, I am sitting in the gray. I waited one year before making any decisions. My husband has almost a year of sobriety. That means a lot to him, but is only a tiny tiny thing to me. It is a behavior change but there is a shitload of work he needs to do to understand the impact of his actions on me. And I need to do a ton of trauma work myself.
Bottom line is I cant have someone who is actively seeking out others in my house. So, that is a non-negotiable. Has been and still is.
So, I guess the question for me is whether I think he is actively seeking others…..and how much I think he is actively doing this. I trust my gut now….so I guess I need to really think about this, investigate this and decide…is this because she reached to me? Is this a one-time thing? has he tried other methods? why google plus? how hard did he look? should I go invesitcrazy again and search the house from head to toe? do I need too? etc…
I think I know the answers to a lot of this because I already have everything monitored and dont feel like I need to be investicrazy but its good to think about…thanks Teri!
Arrgggghhh!
I hate this for you Barbra. You have every right to ask for time to process this without further questioning from him. Do whatever you have to do to get back on your feet and process this. He can wait. He’s sure the hell made you wait.
I know you caught between a rock and a hard place.
But honestly, in my mind it should not matter if it is because she reached out to you. Wouldn’t a normal person be less likely to contact someone they knew was in contact with you? What a dumb ass- I’m sorry, Barbra. But he did this while he was monitored with someone who contacted you. Was he trying to get caught? How much more stupid could he be?
None of this helps you, Barbra. He’s stupid. You deserve better. Nothing you don’t already know.
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