Almost 1 Year From D-Day, Doing Well and POW- Email From A Whore!

Barbara – thank you for sharing – I’m sorry that you’re faced with this again but for me, it so perfectly illustrates a point that I have been making in my head. My H and I are very recently separated. He is hanging on to this being a “trial” separation and while I am going to give my self the gift of time before I make any final decisions about divorce, I’d say I’m about 75% there. Anyway, one of the things I think about is – let’s say we work through this and I feel like I can be safe with him and let him move back in the house. I can see things being fine for a few months, maybe almost a year and then it will be like the frog in the boiling point and something will happen that will push my boundaries. It most likely won’t be something blatent like trolling CL or posting on adultfriendfinder or whatever. More likely, it might be relatively “small” like looking for a former fuck buddy and then I am once again forced into the position of turning investicrazy (love that term, btw!) and having to lay down the law and face how this is going to wreck havoc in our family. I just don’t think I can live that way.

And I competely understand wanting to protect the kids but don’t underestimate your children – they may be much more aware of what is going on or at least of the tensions in the house than we want to admit.

Those “slips and relapses” ladies are full on jumps over the fence.

That’s how we must refer to it from now on.

Like Nap and the others said…..call it what it is..

Barbara, take every fucking dime of his ‘therapy’ money and spend it on yourself.

Ali,
I totally get where you are. That’s kinda how I felt until he crossed my bottom line (also I had stayed for 6 years of “recovery” and knew that this last time was it). I wanted to hang in there to get my kids through school.

My heart goes out to your 21year old. How did you keep your 16 year old from finding out about dad getting arrested and losing his job?

What frustrates me is how hard it is to get support for kids on this. This is traumatic for them just as it is for us. I don’t understand why the treatment community just ignores them. I have called all over Houston for someone who has some understanding or background in counseling kids in this position and come up empty. I have a hard time even getting people to understand why I am asking. It boggles my mind that it wouldn’t be obvious that kids would struggle coming to terms with their father being a sex addict.

Barbara, thank you for sharing this glimpse into reality. I asked my therapist last month how she defines slip and relapse and she said a “slip is using with immediate recovery behavior according to the plan” and a “relapse is using without immediate recovery”. And then she said, it’s all relapse behavior, and the important thing is what they do once it’s happened, not that it happened, unless it crosses your boundary and then the boundary should be reinforced. The example she gave is if a partner says, I will divorce you if you have sex with another woman, she wouldn’t wait to see how he handled recovery after that relapse, she would divorce him. If the behavior was relapse behavior that she didn’t have a boundary specifically for, then she would see whether he followed his recovery plan. If he doesn’t, then she said that in her opinion the best thing for the spouse is to admit that she is willing to live with active addiction or to tell him that because he did not choose recovery, he must move out or you will, specifically not to have any further conversations about the relapse, and listen to the minimizing and rationalizing and denials. Either he chooses recovery or he chooses not to, either the wife has boundaries about that or she doesn’t. She said, “these men are going to relapse, it’s what they do when that happens that matters.” I’m thinking about you, angry at him for bringing this trauma back into your life.

This story makes me so sad for us all. These guys are thieves of our lives

Barbra,

I’m sorry your life is in upheaval again and you are facing a hard choice. If you don’t act on the boundaries you made….I believe it will simply become a slippery slope as you push your line in the sand further back. He is supposed to be in recovery and he is attempting to contact a former affair partner or fuck buddy. I don’t see how that isn’t black and white. I don’t see the grey in his action at all. There is a lot of grey in whether you want to leave him or not and that requires deep thought, indeed. I tell you what I tell myself. If staying seems the better option for you, then stay. Staying does not mean you have to hold onto the very slim hope that your husband will ever be normal. You can have a marriage of convenience, if you can stomach that at your age. It isn’t an ideal choice but it gets you off that recovery merry go round and at least you live in reality. Trying to live in reality with these guys and their “recovery” is almost impossible. Most of the time we are uncertain what reality they are in, on any given day. I know your children are young and that makes it so hard for you. Just the same, wanting help for yourself and your children, is not the same as convincing yourself that your marriage will eventually be a normal one. Most of us are still waiting for the example of a partner with a “new and healthy” marriage to show up. So far the wait continues and the partners continue to live in upheaval.
Big Hugs to you dear girl. Karen xx

I agree with Teri. He is minimizing it – if he really thought it was okay – why wouldn’t he have asked you about it first? At the very minimum he’s not as far a long in his recovery as he should be a year into it. At worse, he was looking to get back in touch with her. He could have asked for guidance on whether this was appropriate or not. He did not do that b/c he knows it was inappropriate! I know how hard it can be to be sucked in and really feel so conflicted – I can only tell you from my very recent experience with H out of the house for 2 weeks, it’s amazing how much clarity I now have and don’t feel conflicted at all. Yes, I’m sad – this afternoon particularly b/c the kids are at friends’ so it’s quiet here – but I know this feeling will pass or if it doesn’t pass, I’ll sit with it for awhile but it sure is better than the crazy-making gas-lighting I’d been hearing from my H. for months!

Barbra I’m a new sister and I don’t think what he did was OK by any means. If he really thought he needed to contact her to tell her to f off he should have discussed it with you and done it while you were present. What he did was crap.
When a filthy whore contacted me in January I would have loved my husband to call her and tell her to f off and leave me alone and if she sent me one of her disgusting messages again we would go to the police. BUT I would have to have been present.
Barbra I hope you get to the intensive but I understand the complications with children. I’m guessing you can’t trust your husband to look after them? Do you have family you can call on?

I don’t think it was ok either. If he can’t put his big boy pants on and make an adult decision – that’s what he has a therapist for. Let him drop his glasses to the end of his nose and say, “Now do you think that’s a good decision?”

OMG Clearly it’s not! These little boys lack a moral compass and are complete idiots as to what they say to us. It’s just all so ugly and I am so sorry that the wound is re-opened for you. It would be for me too!

I don’t think Step 9’s intent was to contact the whore that participated in the lies and deceit. Again, sorry he’s done this to you, yet again.