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I have been living in the spare bedroom of my husband’s house since the middle of September last year after realising that even sitting in the same room as him made me feel sick and angry. I also knew that I had reached the point of no return long before and only still remain in the house, because I am totally reliant on him and have no other options at the moment.
There has been no physical contact and no mention of his porn addiction since, he does what he wants and it doesn’t bother me, as long as it doesn’t get in my face.
We have 2 cars, both in his name. The convertable is only on the road from May to October and the other car used to be for my sole use (it’s the only one the dog fits in). He only works 5 minutes from home, so he used to go there on his pushbike or walk. Since the end of October he’s been using the car all the time, I only been in it when he takes me shopping.
I also never had access to his bank account, so the only money I get are the pittance he gives me now and then. He pays for the shopping twice a week and drives me there. He also pays for my smoking habit.
Up to now I still clean the house, wash, iron, make his bed, clean up after him and cook his meals and make prepare his lunchbox for work.
My way of thinking is that as long as I still do all he really ever wanted a wife for, he will not turn funny on me. I do actually worry that he would turn nasty on me if I didn’t pull my weight around the house. He’s never helped much before but now he basically does nothing, except brush the dog on the weekend and he takes him for a walk every night. Other than that, he watches his porn on the TV and drinks up to half a bottle of whisky a night. He doesn’t hassle me in any way though, in fact, we hardly speak at all.I know that this is seen as enabling him but I really couldn’t give a flying f***k what he does anymore. Let him drown in his porn sewer, if that makes him happy. I just want to be left in peace until I can escape.
He knows that I will be going into a clinic for psychological treatment soon, he also knows that I don’t plan on coming back here to live afterwards and want he divorce. He’s not bothered in any way, shape or form. I feel he’s glad to get rid of me and if anything, it’s not soon enough for him. He’d be happy to see me go right away, no doubt about it.An online girlfriend called me from England this lunch time, asking how I was getting on and told me that I must be totally insane to even give my husband the time of day, never mind doing anything to make his life easier. Now I am wondering if what I’m doing really is so wrong, considering I am still totally dependent on him for food and shelter and he’s not mistreating me as such. I feel that I am doing these things more for me than him, so I can have my peace and not have him turn nasty on me.
I am not doing any of it because I want him to like me. Let me be totally clear on this one, the only feelings I have left for him are repulsion and hatred for what he’s done to me. I fell out of love with him long ago and he knows that.I’d like to hear your views on this, please.
Hi Mortified,
I think what you are doing is: surviving and avoiding his anger. You may have to do that in order not to get hurt physically-hes already hurting you emotionally. You are bright-I can tell by your comments. Use your intellegence to create an exit plan while you are still living there. I wouldnt let him know. Take the energy you use each and every day to edure living with him and channel it towards yourself. You will be surprised at the results. NO ONE deserves to live like you are and you can get yourself out-believe it!Mortified, you are doing exactly what I did while I still had to live with mine. I looked at it as “not rocking the boat”, and “not making him go nuts on me”, potentially. Anything I could do to minimize the stress, I did. Lord knows we have enough stress to deal with without making it worse.
Hi NAP and intothelight,
thanks for confirming that what I am doing makes sense in view of the situation I’m in. I feel a bit better again now, my friend did wory me with what she said. I guess anyone who has never been in this kind of mess, can understand.My only plan up to now is to not come back for any other purpose than to collect my belongings, after I finished my therapy. An ex boyfriend who I have stayed in contact with for the past 10 years has offered to pay for the cost of storage for up to 6 months, if that’s what I decided to do. I am tempted with the idea but don’t fancy being endebted to him. On the other hand, it would mean that I’d only need to find a room for now, rather than a whole flat.
I need to think about it a bit longer.Mortified, does the SA know you are planning to leave? Mine did not know, so I was not in danger of him throwing out, burning, or otherwise destroying my belongings out of spite. Also you said you don’t have access to his bank account…do you have a separate account that he does not have access to? If he did have access, I’d be worried about that getting drained in your absence.
Yes, intothelight, he knows that I am planning on not moving back here after my in-patient psychological therapy. I am not too worried about him doing anything with my things but I know that his mother will probably be back to spending days and weekends here when I am gone and she will go through all my personal belongings for sure.
She has not been allowed into this house for over 2 years, I hate her, she has been telling terrible lies about me to relatives I never even met and cause me a lot of distress and heartache. My husband never did anything about it, until she started telling lies about him too. At that point he told her to go to hell and broke off all contact with her .- even though she was being treated for cancer of the throat at the time.Middle of last year he started sucking up to her behind my back again and obviously, I am the nasty evil person who has made her son unhappy…it all fits into the picture she’d painted of me from the start and my husband is no doubt agreeing with all of it now. Suits him well to put the whole blame on me and him looking the poor victim.
I don’t hate anyone really, there are people I dislike and avoid but this woman, I hate with a passion. I can and will not forgive her, ever!
So, to cut a long story short, I do not want her even touching any of my things, never mind going through my belongings. It distresses me beyond words to even think about it.I do have a bank account but no money. There are no savings either, because any chance he gets, my husband stashes money away in a safe at the bank. He did the same to his ex-wife, he’d conned her out of thousands of Euros and had a real good laugh about it back then. Poor woman, she gave 15 years of her life to raise HIS kids after his second marriage failed and he got custody of the children. As soon as the were old enough to manage on their own, he dumped her. I should have seen the red flags…
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