Am I moving too fast?

Dear Deb,

I don’t like to pound on you because I am very fond of you but I whole heartedly disagree and am going to say what I REALLY think about your husband and his recovery. I do NOT believe he is in recovery or ever was and i don’t care how many sponsors he has. You spend your life living in fear of what he will do next and the rest of your time coping with an overwhelming life that he does next to nothing to help you with. You make excuses for his wounded child so you don’t have to leave his sorry ass. And I’m not just picking on you….Bev’s husband, March’s husband, Kim’s husband (she is not with us now), Larry…ALL of them…I wouldn’t give them one second of my pity or compassion because I would be afraid they would rip my heart out when I wasn’t looking. I’m so SICK of women making excuses for these creeps who mortally wound them and decimate their children. He spent half the family assets on hookers over the years BUT he doesn’t have a personality disorder…he just has an addiction….other than that he is a SUPER guy. WTF???? Normal people DO NOT do these things. That is the only real truth floating around this board. These fucking men don’t care about their wives…they don’t even care about their own children. What on earth is t going to take for partners to wake up and see who they are dealing with?? WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE TO SAY I WILL PROTECT MYSELF FROM FURTHER HARM. Your husband isn’t different Deb. Bev’s isn’t different. March’s isn’t different…nor Daisy’s or Barb’s or whoever I have left out. THEY ARE ALL THE SAME. They are takers and liars and cheaters and exploiters and they are all charming while they are doing it.You think my husband isn’t sweet? Isn’t charming? Isn’t kind to puppies and young children? Isn’t smart and sexy and fun?? Of course he is! Thats why I married him. But do you think I am going to forget what he did in my bed while I had cancer and my son had heart surgery and for all those years I was loving him…every chance he got??? Not too likely and I consider myself sane NOT bitter. My husband treats me well in our limited contact. I am kind, detached and fair back. BUT everything I do, every decision I make is now done with CAREFUL consideration of what is best for me. I think that ALL of you should exercise that same caution in view of what has been done to you. I love ALL the sisters- the feisty ones, the reflective ones, the gentler ones and the ones who are far wiser than I.I love your humour, your anger, your insight, your kind, open hearts, your understanding, your strength, your courage and your spirits. BUT I HATE how you often open your arms wide to receive the next bullet….based on what he tells you or some mumbo jumbo a book tells you. I try to be open minded and even hopeful, but the story always ends the f–king same. In the end, he doesn’t act like he did for all those years, he isn’t fair, he doesn’t get it even if he stops the activity and very often he turns downright nasty. It usually turns out wasn’t just porn, it wasn’t just sex, she wasn’t just a friend or a work colleague, he wasn’t actually in recovery…it was JUST his childhood, his mother, the weather, the universe, BLAH BLAH BLAH. By the time the woman gets her head out of her ass to realize he won’t be taking care of her after all….he has most of their money in a divorce?? I am hurt each and every time one of your are hurt, but you have to use your common sense at some point. If these guys are your best friends you don’t need any bloody enemies! End of rant. Karen xx

In response to this post, i really believe that you need to walk away. I know it is hard, but coming from someone who is also in a marriage with a SA, I am telling you that you need to cut your losses now. IF I were in you position with all you have described, I woule 100% know that getting a divorcce immediately was the answer. I am giving my husband a chance because he is trying to change and I have seen changes in him. But under no circumstances would I rather stay if I were in any other situation. It is a new year in a few weeks, take advantage of this and begin a new life. You have things to look forward to (your son’s weddings) and you need to focus on that and a new life that 2013 will bring you.

Fair enough Deb and I love you too. In my own life, I am not seething in anger or hatred either. I was. I absolutely was…for a long time. BUT I took control of my life in my own way and I feel I am doing ok. I am also forgiving. I am soft and loving and hopeful and even gentle sometimes. BUT I am nobody’s fool and I often find myself flaring up like a fire at the things that are being done to the women here. Many of us do not feel it is useful to encourage women who are being abused to trust their abuser and cut him slack because he had a bad childhood. The things these guys are doing can be life threatening…to your emotional and physical health? We don’t believe what Cosa believes. If we did ….we would be sharing in that group.To be perfectly frank we don’t give a shit about their mothers OR their childhoods. We only care that the woman gets advice designed to protect her. Later they can take all the time in the world to reflect on his “condition”….. AFTER they have the money. This is serious. Look what happened to Cindy? I don’t want the same thing to happen to Trish while she is waiting for his inner child to emerge. I know you are hopeful. I know it is good to be hopeful. BUT it isn’t good to be stupid? We have all been dealt a horrific blow by these men. We CANNOT afford to open ourselves up to another attack. It is safest to assume it is what it is. If a miracle occurs and one of them actually does something different….THEN his wife can choose to take a chance or change her mind. In Trish’s case he is doing EXACTLY what they all do so is best to assume the worst. Trish is already struggling to keep her feelings for him out of the mix. The last thing she needs now is optimism with little behaviour to warrant it. It hurts me but I think she has to proceed as if he is a psycho because his past and present actions indicate that is precisely what he is. You can stay your course if you want to Deb. You can believe what you want or hope for what you want BUT if your H was trying to do something financial to you I would be all over you the same way. I know I am jumping on you but I hope it will not deter you from chiming in. And I hope you know me well enough now to know I wouldn’t speak just to wound you or anything like that. Because when all is said and done….if your H f–ks up I will be right beside you, in YOUR corner no matter what your views are. Love Karen xx

Hope ending up being my worst enemy. Not hope for my future, but hope that my husband could change or that I could have a marriage with him. It’s good to have hope for our futures, not so good to have hope for them.

🙂

So true. Trish, I see you falling into the same trap that I did early on….I was so traumatized and I let him call the shots. Don’t do that…..take some control back! You can do it. Don’t play the victim (although you are a victim). Do NOT talk to him. Keep him guessing as to what YOU want to do. You don’t need to make a decision today or even next month.

However, if you know that him being with a woman is a complete deal breaker for you – then hire a kick ass attorney and get him out of your life when YOU are good and ready. He HAS been with women. I know that from what he’s doing. He is guilty as all hell.

Karen – fair enough. I agree, false hope is not good. And I know that you all will be there if my SAH binges again. I can honestly say that I will be completely fine with it (as long as I have a roof over my head and he’s not into divorce torture like Teri’s SA). I KNOW with all my soul that I can’t take yet another round of this. I know that I have given him a chance – and I can then leave in good conscience (in fact, I could leave right now and not feel an ounce of guilt). Of course, there’s the small detail of knowing if he binges….as we all know these guys are adept at hiding things.

At any rate, Trish…..we are here for you.

Deb