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i slapped my XSA the other day. i know it was inexcusable. i have never done that to anyone. i slapped him several times in the face and scratched his arms and neck. i have been feeling horrible about it ever since. i’m starting to feel like i am crazy and out of control — and i thought i was doing better. i could give a whole justification and the scenario, but i know there is no excuse for that behavior anyway and i have never done anything like this before. am i the only one who is this nuts?? all of you seem so strong and together.
I never hit Larry but I sure felt like it.
I actually dreamed of beating him to death with a baseball bat. The dream was so vivid it was as if it was real.
The scary part was that when I woke up I kept reliving the good feelings I got from doing it.
That was quite traumatic for me. It took many counseling sessions for me to get over my guilt.
In the two COSA meetings I went to one woman described how she kicked her husband in the knee, and another related how she poured Kool Aide over her husband’s head.
I think these feelings and actions are quite normal considering the god awful trauma we have been through.
AND, our guilt over these expressions show how very normal we all are.
Forgive yourself artemis, it’s a small action compared to the abuse you have suffered. ~ JoAnn
I spit on mine. The whole scenario has been on here. Something I had never ever done and I think it is the ultimate put down. He still harasses me about that from time to time.
Oh, and there’s the time I smashed the laptop with a meat cleaver the day I saw the torture porn he collected with it. He thought I was coming for HIM with the cleaver!!!
I have done inexcusable things, too.
I bordered on physical abuse. I don’t what kept me from actually inflicting the pain he deserved. Sometimes, I wish I had. I actually fantasized about slicing his dick open and pouring salt in it. Now how twisted is that??
JoAnn is right. Forgive yourself. The tremendous stress and trauma suffered from these assholes brings out emotions in us that we don’t normally have. My opinion is he brought it on, so don’t beat yourself up. I do think when we have to resort to physical violence, it is time to fly the coop – I mean what is left to repair, they have driven us past our point of no return.
Let it go.
Love, SharronI imagined kicking him in the bum. Not sure why it had to be kicking, and why in the bum. But I never did it.
I do remember locking him out of the bedroom one night and he came up in the dark and went full stride, full face into the door. And I had some satisfaction about that.
Violence scares me, especially in myself. I have often wanted to kick my emotionally incestuous former mother in law down the stairs. I know I’ve shared that one before. And there’s that kicking thing again. Sigh.
Not so much lately though.
i ranted and raved. i swore. i rose my voice. i screamed.
i’ve never done any of these things before.
my son heard one of my swearing episodes (i thought he was sleeping).
i wish sah would die.
i take spiders out of the house on a piece of paper for chrissakes. i stop and help people who fall on their bike.
the rage is almost unmanageable.
forgive yourself. and…. distance yourself. back way away from him. give yourself a lot of space. whatever situation you were in when that happened, well.. avoid that. avoid him. maybe period, but at least for a while…
I slapped him once when he was yelling about divorcing me just outside my daughter’s bedroom while she was sleeping and I couldn’t get him to go somewhere else or shut up.
I hit him in the back when he was packing a suitcase and telling me that he didn’t have to put up with my shit and he could do better than me so he was leaving (when I found condoms in his nightstand and he’s had a vasectomy and I started crying asking him to talk to me).
Honestly, of course hitting someone is wrong, but you can only emotionally abuse someone so much before they crack. When you start violating your own values, that should be a big red flag that you have been pushed beyond your limits.
That is so true. The torment changes you beyond your own recognition. That is one of the PRIMARY reasons I love this S.O.S. site, because we are at different stages at different times, and we can understand how someone can get so far away from their core in this struggle. And gently remind them of who they really are.
I heard once a long time ago of a culture that believed if you are a man with a wife, and she is not beautiful, you are to blame because all women are beautiful when properly cared for. I want to go live there. I wish I could remember where I heard that. Maybe I didn’t, maybe it was a dream. But in France it’s said that if a girl isn’t beautiful at 14, it’s nature’s fault. If she’s not beautiful at 18, it’s her parent’s fault, and if she’s not beautiful at 30, it’s her fault.
We are beautiful on the inside. These men tear us apart and then act surprised when we scream in hurt and rage. None of us is surprised at all when a woman unleashes on their SAH. We’d be abnormal if we didn’t when forced to live with their abuse.
What I did was PUSH him in the chest. Hard enough that he stumbled back into the bedroom window. I wish he’d fallen through it. I am pretty small. He’s over 6 feet. I think he exaggerated the response, then started calling me “abusive.”
Ugh. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and wisdom. this happened saturday. afterward he texted me photos of marks on his body. i just feel so gross and disgusted with myself right now and sick to my stomach. i am not sure how to forgive myself. even though i know this which Teri said is so true: “When you start violating your own values, that should be a big red flag that you have been pushed beyond your limits.”
i heard Sharron’s point too about ‘ what is left to repair’… it is beyond the point of return. it just scares the shit out of me that this was even possible for me. i never thought i would do something like this.
i have fantasized endlessly about violence towards him and even a couple of the women. i thought i was starting to get past that blind rage. i am so fucking tired of being angry and feeling violated. and this time i violated myself.
i appreciate all of you being there, even though i feel crazy and horrible i don’t feel totally alone.Artemis,
You are not crazy and horrible. You have been pushed past your limits and you have a conscience. Every one of us has a breaking point.Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you if he is sending you pics? Don’t let him do that.
I’m so sorry, Artemis. I know you feel awful. Are you in therapy? Talk to your therapist. Hopefully he/she can help you keep perspective. Much worse has happened to husbands who do what ours have done to us. SA is emotional abuse, and when you are worn down your instincts are to fight, flight, or freeze. It doesn’t make hitting okay, but hopefully you can understand it and keep it in perspective. He wasn’t in any danger. Don’t buy into him playing the victim card.
Artemis,
I stocked my refrigerator with Kielbasa sausages, and every morning, when my STBXSAH came down for his coffee (a little ritual we had together) I would be slamming that cleaver through a sausage. I think after the 4th morning, he got the message.
I guess that could be taken as a little bit of psychological abuse. But if they won’t listen to you (I got the “I don’t have to listen to these accusations and abuse” when I tried to say how I felt) there’s other ways to get the point across.
Would I have done that before, with such calculation? No. Am I sorry? No.
I agree with Teri about the photos. If he wants to whine about that, make sure he has to show off his scratches in front of other men to do so. I’d bet they’re not so bad he’d give up his macho image to complain about them in public.
girl, I feel you!. I have not slapped my SA husband or scratched him…but I have had thoughts of it. I did throw things at him and pushed him. Once I saw such fear in his eyes…I have never seen him like that. I swear, i think he thought that I was going to kill him!….Dont feel bad. You are not crazy…we all lose our self control at times. Especially having to deal with this bullshit.
Artemis, I hauled off and hit him twice in the early days after discovery. Apparently the second time it was with a closed fist, according to him. After that we separated. I didn’t know I had it in me. I don’t actually want to have it in me. xoxo
Lynn – your Kielbasa story cracked me up on a very serious conference call! that’s what i get for being on SOS at work 🙂 Teri, i am in therapy, i actually just emailed my therapist to set up another appointment with her this week as she will be gone for our regular scheduled appointment and i walked out of the last one with her saying something like “you’re doing so well, i’m proud of you”… well, shit. i’m doing so well i hauled off and whacked the crap out of him. but yeah, there is no way he was in danger. actually i could make an argument for physical intimidation… though i didn’t feel i was really in danger… i am 100 lbs soaking wet and he is 6 ft/ 170 lbs and was blocking the door to keep me from leaving.
Artemis,
If it makes you feel any better, all 3 of my attorneys have laughed when I asked about them bringing up my hitting him in the back in the divorce. They all said something along the lines of… “I hope he does bring it up because then I can ask why you hit him. There’s not a jury in this county that wouldn’t think he was lucky he didn’t get shot.”Shit, Artemis. You forgot to mention the barring-the-door part. All bets are off. If he was preventing you from going where/when you wanted by using his body, I certainly would call it physical intimidation. Someone here has a story about being cornered in the shower. So vulnerable. I say come out swinging.
I once folded a foxtail into the crotch of my husband’s underwear!
I’ve kicked a few items in the yard and threw things around out there, but I couldn’t hurt him physically bad enough for him to feel the pain I wanted him to feel without hurting myself in the process.
You’re okay. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Claire
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