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artemis,
we are all learning. and no one prepared us for these tests. please go easy on yourself. you are vulnerable, hurt, and probably exhausted by all of this. think of what you would tell your best friend. you need some extra good care right now. pamper yourself. treat yourself. you deserve it.
you deserve everything good in life, girlfriend. you don’t deserve to be put in a position where a weak and broken man frustrates you to the point where you move past yourself.
it is commendable that you are conscious of what happened. but please do not punish yourself, or let your SA punish you.
take some time out for yourself. rest. spend time with those that love you…
The first time I caught my SAH acting out after D-day and the 1st promises that it would stop… i ripped all the wires out of the computer in complete rage… he was standing on the front porch… I walked out and stood there in front of him… expecting him to say …. something…. anything… he didn’t… he stayed silent…. so I slapped him in the face… like you see in movies all the time! Then I grabbed all pix of us that were in the house and shattered them on the tile floors. I felt guilty like crazy about it… finally figured out a way to forgive myself… then a short time before his revovery we got into a fight… big time and I pushed off his chest and screamed ‘I FUCKING HATE YOU’! Once again…. major guilt…. there was a time, again a short while before recovery began, that I snapped mentally and was thinking about killing myself cuz I just had to stop the pain… some how…. and briefly I thought about killing him (and using poison to do it so it would be just as slow, painful and tortuous as what he had been putting me thru) but again… that was a brief and fleeting thought.
I too am one who is frightened by violence, especially in myself! I have endured so many different variations of abuse in my life (verbal, emotional, sexual, physical) from various people…. and only recently realized I had some how become these men that I hated for doing what they had done to me. The two instances above are the only time I have been physically abusive to anyone but I had become very verbally abusive.. not to those close to me… to total strangers… and when I looked in the ‘mirror’ I didn’t like who I saw. While I know I have to forgive myself for this… and I know at least with the physical abuse I had to have really been pushed to my brink… my snapping point… I will never, ever believe (at least not for my own life) that abuse is warrented, asked for or ok. It never was ok when it was being done to me… and I don’t want to get to a point where I think it is ok for me to do it to others.
Natalei think i am starting to love this thread, especially all the creative stories in it. kielbasa? foxtails? y’all are cracking me up. but on a serious note, thank you all for sharing so generously what i know have been deeply painful and shocking experiences for each of you. including the stuff that happens in our subconscious, through dreams and fantasy. it is hard to live with the ugly stuff we do or even fantasize about as a result of fear, hurt, despair, rage. it is even hard to forgive myself for the times i have begged for explanations, compassion, or asked for forgiveness sometimes when proportionally my transgressions were so minor! i count some of that stuff as the ugliness too – to stoop that low and disrespect myself that much. but y’all are right, that has the capacity to clarify how dysfunctional & unhealthy the dynamics and situation are. what a reality check. i think i have the slogan for our SOS retreat Tshirt:
“i went to hell and back with an SA, and all i got was this lousy Tshirt”just want to say, i know this from even a little contact with you – your posts and from talking on the phone. you are a good person. you are thoughtful smart, and compassionate. you are working your way through difficult challenges. difficulties we all never imagined were even possible. XX
Once in the heat of it, I started to pound the wall with my fists. He came to intervene so I started pounded him with my fists. I wasn’t proud of it…but it did make me feel better. I have a COSA friend who was thrown in jail by her SAH because she slapped him – she filed for divorce after that one.
This is very difficult stuff to deal with and I think most of us have gone of the deep end at least once as a result.
Deb
Artemis, that “little detail” about him barring the door to keep you from leaving is important. That is a criminal offense that can be construed as kidnapping in some states. Just ask OJ – that’s part of the reason why he’s sitting in prison right now. As far as the pictures go, find an old one of the two of you standing side by side that shows the size difference between you and ask him if he really wants to go the route of claiming you abused him. What an asshole. I’m guessing his giant ego would never let him admit publically that a “little woman” could physically hurt him.
My STBX has no problem claiming that even though he outweighs me by 40-50 lbs and has a black belt while I have 3 herniated discs in my back as well as arthritis in my back, neck, and ankle. I can’t run, jump, or lift more than about 20 lbs.
The giant ego won’t let him admit that he maybe isn’t quite as much the victim as he thinks he is. Funny how that can work. He is like a toddler in a grown man’s body.
Teri, I like to believe there is a special circle of hell just waiting for your STBX. He is in a class (of crazy MFs) all his own.
Claire and Lynn, I am laughing so hard at what you did. 🙂 There have been such classic lines on this board that I will never forget. And the way they’re said so matter-of-fact by otherwise kind and gentle women makes them even funnier:
Claire: “I folded a foxtail into the crotch of my husband’s underwear.”
Bev: “I have a gun and a Spokeo account.”
Heidi: “Oh shit, I pushed my husband down the stairs”Artemis, are you feeling less alone now? 🙂
Thank you, Daisy. He is not a normal human being nor will he ever be. At least I now know what’s real and what was his crazy world of fear, intimidation, and manipulation he used to have me living in.
Artemis, I hope your SA is a little more normal and won’t want to be seen as a giant wimp picking on his 100 lb. girlfriend. Regardless, he isn’t worth debasing yourself over. We tend to beat ourselves up way too much over these guys.
I’m lucky I live in a country where handguns are illegal. I would have shot him by now and be spending my time in jail. I’ve never been physical. Maybe I’m sick but once a fly landed on a burger I had just barbecued. I had great pleasure serving it up and watching him eat it. Things like that work for me.
WOW!!! You won, in my book, girlfriend!
I want to do that. But it means I’d have to eat a meal with STBXSAH and that’s too close for comfort for me.
BTW, remember I had to unblock my texts and emails to get budget information from my STBXSAH?
He just sent an email that he lied about opening a separate back account for his paycheck deposits to go to, instead of having them deposited into our joint account, because he didn’t trust me because I stood in front of him and said I was going to shoot him!
WTF? He’s been gone for almost 5 months now, I just got my gun last month. I didn’t even tell him, he heard through my son.
He’s really, really off his rocker. Talk about grasping at straws.
we are their closest relationship. they need to pretend to be intimate with us, but can’t really be intimate, because we can find out or expose their secret world. they hate us for that.
we are their greatest risk.
annie too funny that you remembered that! I kind of forgot it!!
artemis it is completely out of character for you to do this. You were pushed to your limit. From my therapist: your life won’t get better if you land in jail.
I’m not a hitter, never have been. In the beginning when I told him he had to get tested he replied : “just like you Heidi to try and make her out to be a slut!” I had to get tested cause his bar stool princess is obviously a bacteria free sponge. 6 weeks later I find out she was with a different guy the night before she was with my h!!! And he knew this!! (he still gets jealous when I bring steve up. wtf) SO I go to our bedroom and he is sleeping and I say she was with another guy the night before and you made me out to be a bitch for getting tested!!! And he crosses his arms over his heart and says “I believe with all my heart she is a good person) ~ I jumped on the bed and started hitting him through a big feather comforter. Shocked – I got a hold of my rage and jumped back, picked up the corner of the mattress and put it up on the wide end. He was hanging on by the sheets. Then I dropped it and went straight to my diary and wrote “It’s over”. I still have the mental picture of him dangling from that bed, it was priceless.
And then another time he said something really awful on his way out the garage door and I kicked him squarely in the back and sent him flying down 7 stairs into a brick wall! I was shocked again, first that I even did it and second that my leg was long enough to reach, I didn’t think I was close enough to actually do it!
Plus almost every morning I would throw my cup of coffee on his windshield when he was backing out. His prized bright red CIVIC he bought himself had brown ice all over it!
phew that felt good. I look back now and realize how crazy angry I was. It’s a wonder anyone made it out alive.
artemis – you are fine, try not to let him get you to that point again, for your sake. And he took a picture, he is gathering shit to use against you. You need to be careful from now on.Lets beat them up in our heads!
HeidiSomeones h toothbrush accidentally fell into the toilet a few times, I don’t remember who this was, Oooops
OMG I agree and relate with so many of you….
Artemis; you know the kind of wives you see on TV, like Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond…. the kind who nag, bitch, snoop, control, boss….etc….. well I always prided myself on NOT being that kind of Wife… and here I am (or was…. I have been healing alot and backing away from his addiction) the same kindo of wife I never wanted to be… SSUCKS…. and I freel ‘ugly’ about it. Tho I understand much better now that it was all symptoms and recations from the PTSD…
I almost went to jail once… my ex was very, very physically abusive to me (started right after the marriage license was filed) and I mean, I have permanent damage in my back due to his abuse… he held me up against the wall by my neck until I turned purple and started to pass out, slammed by head into and thru the car window, hurled beer bottles at me, repeatedly slammed my head into the ground in our front yard and each time I got a chance to get up andc run he’d catch me and continue doing it…. jst to name a few… well once, he was hitting me and I got super human strength and began slamming his head repeatedly into the brick wall on our front porch… the cops were called (where the hell were the people to call the cops when he was attempting to kill me???)but in the state of FL when a call is made re: domestic violence they are required to take both parties to jail…. for some unknown reason he came to my defense and begged them not to take me to jail… so, fortunately they didn’t… but they did take him.
As far as guns go… I have one too and there are probably about 10 more in our house… but to me…. that is too easy for the person being shot when you are doing it becuz of years of sustained abuse….I too confess crazy angry and the one time I reversed into him genuinely was an accident… No really! Stupid man wears all black on a dark night and storms off in a temper… Then comes back to apologise as I reverse to leave… I called the police on that one!
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