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I liked this. Perhaps some you will also.
http://passagetoinnerjoy.wordpress.com/2010/04/23/leaving-an-addict/
Also this one: regarding counseling and abusers. while it is directed at batterers– i wish the same principals applied to treating SA. it just makes sense. let me know your thoughts on it.
Counseling Syndrome
This is both a tactic to get you to stay and a tactic to maintain control and intimidation. On this web site and others, you’ll hear over and over again that abusers don’t just stop their behavior without assistance to overcome issues and replace destructive behavior with healthy ones. Therapy is no exception. Friends, family, pastors and even abusers might suggest couples counseling to you. Although they may have the best of intentions, couples counseling is NOT the solution to combat the behaviors of an abuser! Many abusers actually like the idea of couples counseling because it means that THEY don’t have to take responsibility for their actions- instead, they get to drag you in as part of the problem. With your abuser sitting next to you in a counseling session, you are not emotionally free to say what you think without fear of repercussion, without the abuser twisting your words, and without them trying to coach you along as what to say or not to say. Safe, effective and appropriate counseling for batterers and abusers must be done WITHOUT the victim present. Batterers must take responsibility for their actions, must understand and admit that THEY have a problem and be dedicated to the self-examination process to make positive long term changes possible. Couples counseling to combat domestic violence SOUNDS like a great idea, but it’s false advertising and can prolong and expand the emotional abuses that already exist.
Without accepting accountability for their actions, and WANTING and WORKING to replace abusive behaviors with healthy ones, abusive partners can’t and won’t make lasting changes – and until actual CHANGE occurs, counseling should be undertaken SEPARATELY for both victims and abusers (and both sides can hold BOTH roles). Once new and healthy (and SAFER) patterns of behavior begin to emerge, THEN additional counseling directed towards the couple, if they choose to maintain the relationship, can be highly beneficial. Those persons who genuinely WANT to be part of a healthy relationship can work to make that happen, and are strongly encouraged to do so. Once situations get to the point where the courts have to intervene to ORDER that counseling be attended, the financial, emotional, legal, and other challenges that get lumped on TOP of the already existing issues doesn’t bode well for long term “good outcomes” for couples
makes perfect sense to me!!
i don’t want to go near any kind of formalized couple counselling, exercises, discussions… no where near it.
My STBX refused to go to individual counseling- I am sure for just the reasons mentioned above. He insisted we needed to go counseling together or he would not go. Because HE did not have a problem.
Mine is going to meetings faithfully and he is not “acting out” and it doesn`t change a damn thing except I have some hope that he can be a better father.
Go read Barbra`s post about the inpatient Rehab her SAH attended. Most of the guys have relapsed after that ( not her`s)!!!
sorry Pam, I posted this in reply to your Meetings post…Just put it in the wrong place!! need more coffee 🙂
My STBXSAH (4 months separated, 8 months to go) started couples counseling WITHOUT me, without my consent! Emailed me documents to read and comment on for the sessions! I could not believe a professional would do that. From 5 states away. I emailed my refusal to be a part. Supported the counselors (reported by SAH) determination that I was contemptuous towards SAH. My response? Yes, I am, NOW!look up the sefinition. It fits.
Dear Lynn,
Going to couple’s counselling by himself?? He just gets loonier and loonier. Funny how they find looney therapists as well. 😉
It makes sense to me- it really didn’t matter all that much what I said in marriage counseling. It was like I was invisible, my voice was not heard. At least Lynne’s STBX’s therapist is open about the wife’s role in the the marriage counseling sessions.
I truly believe, that every SA is one part sexual compulsive, and 3 parts abuser/controller. Their whole secret lives they lived, was all a part of a power play. they duped, continually, sweet ol’ wifey. oh what power they had on top of indulging sick sexual fantasies, that broke marriage vows trust, fundamentally disrespected us as women, and risked our sexual health. It’s core is a form of DV and abuse. Only it’s more passive, not physical.
Also, If I may rant away–not too much compassion in the public eye, or families for wife beaters. they are seen as the lowest of the low
yet these SA / Narcs, — somehow pass the public eye, and we are looked at to “work things out” in “conventional” ways, like joint counseling, compromise, etc.
it’s false. the fact is, we became so compromised, we were invisible. how can we compromise and partner up with a narc who will just take more?
i think SA’s would benefit greatly, from going to batterer groups. I mean my exsah, actually is a batterer so he qualifes. But until sexual acting out, is seen as abuse, and treated that way, and the SA is 100% responsible for it, they will be enabled to death by the current theraputic model, and partners will be traumatized and victimized further. so many times we say, is a rape victim guilty? These SAh’s should next bob and larry who verbally and physically and sexually assault their wives, so they can see part of themselves in the abusive cycle. the current model, completely disregards it, and ignores it.
I seriously want to put them all on the Titanic and throw a party. 🙂
No offense take, Pam. I think the ranch/resort rehab is ridiculous, too.
There is no way conventional marriage therapy will work until both people are treated for any of their own issues first. No way an active addict should be in marriage counseling. I kept trying to make that argument, and no one would listen to me. Now I have finally found some therapists that totally get it. Sigh..
Thank you Teri– I know you are going through a hard time. And it is true, very few listen to us.
I truly would like to see these SAH’s sitting next Joe Shmoe who got arrested last week for beating on his wife for the 100th time, and their behavior being give the same level of destructiveness, and gravity. Look what it’s done to our lives?
we need to keep pushing… you are doing so well Teri, you are truly fighting the good fight.
Joe Shmoe may be sitting in that DV class but he is getting nothing more out of it than our Sa`s are getting from treatment. They get out of anything what they want. Hitting your wife or f`n around on your wife is not the problem. It is a symptom. Can they be saved? IDK…I`m not signing up for finding out.
I think all these men should be thrown in prison for the crimes they have committed
And the only counseling would work for those narcs/abusers is the counseling they get in the prison while they are being abused by worse prison mates than themselves
In my experience, sex addicts use couples counselling as a tactic. It’s just another play to keep up the front of a functioning marriage while they indulge their addiction.
Having been round the couples counselling loop a couple of years ago, it is pointess for sex addicts. Fundamentally, they lie. They sit in counselling, look the counsellor and spouse in the eyes and lie. So how can couples counselling ever be effective?
My SAH only went to couples counselling because I found out his sordid little secret. He didn’t want to be there but, by going through the motions, he kept me sweet. I now know his behaviour never changed, despite all his assurances in couples counselling.
Pam – i did appreciate the piece on leaving an addict. thanks for sharing it. it gave me hope for healing and being whole after this. i think i am in a similar place to you of trying to let go, working to let go, but feeling so torn that my SA is finally (?) seriously working on recovery. the hope for the relationship being restored at some point starts to creep back in. though i know it is misplaced am so afraid of being of being hurt again and of wrongly trusting him or myself. i know how broken he is. i know what he is capable of.
Ditto what lynnemac said.
Artemis, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. In some ways, it’s easier to leave when they are total, unrepentant assholes. That hope is killer.
Harmony and Bev,
I didn’t think of it that way. And you are so right, what difference would an abusers group make? would it make any more difference than saa group? probably not.
I too am thinking prison is the only they will learn. sadly enough. with a cell mate meaner and sicker than they are. will that be sobering enough for recovery? as bev says IDK.
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