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With all the tools we use, the intensives, the therapy, the nonstop research, the spying, etc. wouldn’t it be an interesting exercise to put all of us sisters on a panel and one by one interview our sa’s? A firing squad of women who know everything about their addiction. I imagine that would shake them up quite a bit, could even be life changing.
They couldn’t lie, or pull any shit, because we are all so smart.
This is an intensive I could get into. We could even hold it on my island to seclude and scare the crap out of them even more ha! If they don’t like it ~ 7 mile swim to the mainland buddy!
Anyone interested? I would hide my guns!
we could tell them its a swingers retreat!oh and this would work so much better than a family intervention, because loved ones have a hard time understanding this and want to forgive so quickly. WE KNOW BETTER.
Outstanding idea – I’d be on the panel! I’m a great investigator now and I can smell BS from a mile away! 😉
My husband would be on board without hesitation. in fact he has talked about starting some sort of blog where he can answer women’s questions. After all, he is an addict and has been to therapy, an intensive, and multiple different kinds of meetings and support groups (12 step and otherwise). He can answer what kind of questions you may have about what goes on at the meetings, how addicts think, etc. And you all can challenge him all you want. He can take it! 🙂
JoAnn, maybe you could suggest the best way to go about this? Maybe a special place in your site where women could ask questions of Jeff or SA in general who would like to participate (of course they would have to be able to log in to only that area).
I have been thinking about this since sl was here. There is no one who could call these guys out and make them understand and squirm like a bunch of women who have been scorned by the likes of them. And another thing, how the heck are they supposed to find a sponsor when the recovery rate is only 5%? All the sponsors are knee deep in their own dodo.
I could just see it now, my h would try to win everyone of them over with is humor and caring attitude. barf.
ella say a prayer for me, I am as cold as ice.Heidi,
Your husband sounds alot like mine? You wouldn’t think butter would melt in his mouth but he is the most selfish,childish, dependant,deceitful,manipulative,orally fixated man I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. UGH He would swim the 7 miles rather than face a group of savy women…BUT if he could not escape? He would accept responsibility. admit he was at fault, minimize as much as he could, share a portion of the truth so you think he is opening up to you and go on and on about what a good wife I had been. BARF is right Karen xx
kmf ~ exactly! Mine would rather swim then ever admit he is wrong at anything. he admitted to a couple we are good friends with this summer that he screwed up and he never said what he did wrong, but he went on for almost an hour about needing my forgiveness and love and if I could only find a way in my heart. And how I’ve been the most wonderful wife in the world and he can’t see a life without me. ect. He came off as Romeo during that whole confession. And I know they were thinking, he is so sincere and perfect. Come on Heidi, give him another chance. I didn’t want them to know, I said don’t tell them, and he did. His agenda. They actually sent him a “let us know if you need anything” email. Not me, I’m the bully who wont forgive. And to win them back I would have to tell them what a monster he really is.
People like this nauseate me Heidi!!! I have experienced much of the same from “friends and family.” People wrongly judge what they have little knowledge about or experience with…injustice urks me!!!! Yet I know in the end, all things will be laid bare. All the people who supported our h’s over us will be humbled – without a doubt! God is a God of mercy AND JUSTICE…people tend to form Him into what they feel most comfortable with. Mercy is great, but not for the victim that lay dead and beaten in the streets. God sees them too, even if others turn their heads and chant, “Forgive, forgive.” Love, b
Dear Heidi,
Mine routinely pulled EXACTLY that technique!!! When we moved to Asia, he was integrated into the small expat(mainly american and british and australian)community much sooner than I was because of his work and my absence. All of a sudden this man who would never tell anyone ANYTHING began sharing with anyone who would listen that his wife was so angry at him because he had made a “mistake” in Nigeria. Of course, it worked like a f–king charm. He left out the details that might have indicated what a psychopath he is….but made sure he let a few key people know he had been a “bad boy” and I was not forgiving him? By the time I came to be introduced to the community it was apparent I as already regarded as hard and why wouldn’t I accept that he loved me and was sorry, He then continued to play this card to cover for his relentless screwing around because after all the marriage was over as I wouldn’t forgive….WTF!!! It was through seeing this approach (naturally he tried to keep hidden from me what he said to other people but I am intuitive and I could feel the vibes) that I REALLY began to see that he was manipulative in the extreme. He outed himself first, in a very self deprecating way, behind my back …IN CASE I outed him with much more detail? As I said…it worked like a charm and he was the “great Guy” like he had always been? Even blackened eyes did little to dissuade their image of him. By the time he was done with his little psychological set up…half the town thought I deserved it. Very slick?Fortunately, I didn’t care about half the town,their opinions or much about them at all and the people who actually got to know me…. they quickly began to see that he was not all he appeared to be. There were many people who thought I was a bitch BUT not a single one of them EVER thought I was a liar? When I spoke…people knew I was telling the truth because truth has a certain ring to it? These men….F–king scary! Karen xx
I don’t want to be on an island with these men at all.
I was thinking about another post some time ago, where we could go to an island and Johnny Depp or George Clooney would be there.
that’s my kind of island, now.
kmf it took me two trys, and crys to read your post. The dog is hiding upstairs again, he thinks he’s in trouble when I’m upset. I am going through a lot of hot dog pieces lately.
Your post shows just how strong we really are. And I have to remind myself of that a lot because I feel so weak in the knees. The manipulation is so creepy, and violating. And this from people who act like solid family men. They really are monsters, who act like their only fault is a weenie obsession.
And someone else on this site pointed out, how did we come to be a society where the cheater gets the sympathy?
That is so out of line.
Yet here we are “protecting” him from certain people knowing the truth. They should have a f ing tattoo on their forehead! (do they do this in Saudi Arabia?). Just a symbol so everyone knows he is psyco. It could be a picture of a dick, with a hand around it. Or a butt hole.But we are strong. I am so much stronger than him. I am so much more resourceful than him. He flirts with people to get them to like him, I talk and care about people. He cares only about looks, I would never judge a person like that.
when this first happened, before I knew about all the other women I signed us up for an “affair recovery” intensive. we had to take personality tests.
He was 90% taker, and I was 90% a giver. screams volumes.
I bet everyone on this site would be the same. (ps my h lied through the whole expensive intensive. we were voted couple most likely to recover!!)Gosh Hadj, you are way too good for this man. He sounds like a big phony and makes himself to be the victim. Mine was/is always the victim too. I can understand your unhappiness, you’re a beautiful person inside and out. He doesn’t even realize it nor did mine. So sad…
Thanks, Ella! Now I just have to think of how to clearly articulate all of these questions whirling through my brain! 🙂
xoxo ZGOh Heidi,
I do KNOW how you feel and you will feel like this for a good while yet. We want justice for our pain and recognition of it? I think that is why, when we first come to sos it is like water in the desert to us? I have spent 7 LONG years focused on how my husband has managed to dupe my life away from me….BUT…it is beginning to occur to me that though he took precious years away and they cannot be regained…I am NOT going to let him take who I am AND these guys do NOT have good lives themselves? Imagine being so weak and so pathetic that you have to resort to the stuff they resort to? What on earth kind of life is that??
Right now you may not want your life Heidi BUT one day you are going to be damn sure glad you don’t have his life.
Thinking of you! Karen xx
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