An SA and Computer Geek-Poison Mixture

key logger?

Dear Sharron,

I do not know anything about tracking software, but I have to say I completely agree with Flora. I don’t know why you are doing this to yourself? I don’t understand what your goal is at all? Unless you glue yourself to him 24/7 he can ALWAYS find ways to act out and even if you were glued to him, he can just play his favourite fantasies over and over in his mind and there isn’t any thing you can do to stop it. I can actually feel your desperation and most of us have experienced that terrible hunger to separate the truth from the endless lies. This is terribly hard on your mind, your heart and your emotional well being. Please try to give yourself a little break from this vicious cycle. You can rest assured it will ALL be waiting for you when you come back. Please take care of yourself. Karen

Honey, yes its all a game but can’t you see that you are an unwitting pawn in a situation that you can never win? And in your attempt “to get the upper hand” (which is impossible) you have stooped down to his low level by telling him a lie, yourself. Yes, the lie, is quite justified as you are trying to protect yourself, but from what? You already KNOW what it is that you are trying to seek out.

He’s a sex addict in active addiction.

No monitoring required. He’s looking, and doing and thinking. Maybe not as much as before, but still its there.

Rinse, wash, repeat… Again. 😉 (don’t worry, I actually really enjoy doing the laundry)

1) live with it (and get a manicure)
2) leave
3) stay and eat a hole in your stomach

There is no number 4 which is what you are attempting to accomplish and that is a man who is in any way shape or form, recovered from this hideous addiction.

Hun, he’s totally having you on and eating up every delicious moment of it. He loves to rile you up! You’re so cute… I can just see him, with his little smug smirk on his face. :/

Some women can and do, #1. Believe me… I get that one COMPLETELY. In fact, that is/was me. I looked the other way. I didn’t want to know. I KNEW the computer was all locked up and I knew it wasn’t locked up so that the kids wouldn’t find the porn. (especially now!)

I took the good out of our relationship and ignored the bad and you can do this too, if it suits you. But, maybe try this… even as an experiment to see what happens. Take a very light hearted approach. Don’t talk about recovery or anything. Remove the monitoring.

YES, you can. YES, I know its difficult. I know… but its only going to destroy you.

But, If you do a 180, I can pretty much guarantee that it’ll drive him nuts. Oh what FUN!!! He’s going to be standing there, scratching his aching balls, trying to figure out what has happened to cause such a turn-around in his hot-headed, lovely lass- Sharron.

In fact, I bet that he’ll be so confused and disarmed, that he’ll begin following YOU around, like a little puppy– to see wuts up?!!! 😉

xo ~ L

oh honey— If you had seen me a couple of nights ago– I was millimeters away from a psych ward admission. (and I would’ve welcomed it– haha!) Who can stand one more second of the madness? But, thank God, I am feeling better tonight and I just hope it lasts long enough for my husband to get sucked up by the hurricane. 😉 Go sister Irene!!!

Also, what I know has made the difference is that I have been pouring and I mean POURING over our finances and the bottom line is that we have JUST got to get rid of our credit card/home equity credit (that was used to consolidate the old debt). Its the only thing that makes sense and then, all we will have owing will be the remaining mortgage for our home which is manageable. (and hopefully, we can pay more than the minimum each month)

I guess the point, for me, is that all of this feels (and I kinda hate this hackneyed word— “empowering”, but its the only one i can think of on the amount of sleep I’ve been getting.)

I think when we can take back our power, the control that we’ve somehow lost, (and I admit that I GAVE some of that power away, and all of that is separate from HIS addiction) it gives us a sense of strength and hope. Two days ago, I couldn’t lift myself up off of the chair, but I woke up yesterday and decided that I had to do, what I had to do, and that was to keep moving.

Keep moving in the direction that you wish to be in. See yourself doing it and you will get there.

Wisteria, here i come!!!

Decide that, which is more important to you. A life free of the crazy OR to stay with the crazy but find a way to ignore it. I do believe that even though it may not be as cushy, that you can find a way to be financially solvent and live a freer life— apart from PD.

Also, and I think this is a very important point, that I’d like to bring up. My husband once said that “a marriage can be whatever TWO people (he forgot to ask me what *I* wanted, however) 🙁 want it to be.

And so can a divorce or a separation. Leaving the crazy and living separately doesn’t have to mean that you can’t have psychodude somewhere in your life. It doesn’t mean that he can’t take you out to dinner or to a movie or even take a little psycho fun trip together. But, I think when we think (not going to say it) outside of the parameters of what we think are our ONLY options, it does free us up to find what it IS that will give ourselves the most peace and happiness, over-all.

This goes for me too!

Love,

Lexie

but yeah… definitely drive him nuts. Oh to be a fly on the wall. I hope you can pull it off. No getting mad or angry. No Crown Royals either. (bad for you beautiful skin). 🙂 The assumption has to be that he’s a bad boy… through and through… no checking up… no berating… not questions… no dirty looks… well, you get it!

Good luck!

Love,

Lexie

Lexie,
That is a wonderful post. So wise and full of really, really good advice…to ALL of us? When you have loved someone and then a bomb is dropped on that love, it is a cold hard fact that we do NOT instantly STOP loving them, just because we found out something horrific about them. I think most of us wish we could…just make the discovery OR get the disclosure and then just switch from loving them to hating them, or even better… complete indifference to them. It is a terrifying experience to be secure and happy one day and then feel like you have been transported to an alternate universe the next. It takes time to recover enough to move ahead and make good judgements. What you are advising is so smart, Lexie. Many of us could begin to let go of our husbands partially, but we are paralyzed by the complete termination of the relationship…often for many different reasons? For some , we fear financial decimation, for others we fear being away from the person we have loved, some fear being alone, some fear parenting alone, some fear making a hasty decision and others fear not ever making a decision. Your advice that Sharron does not need to give Steve up completely, in order to protect herself, is so spot on and probably exactly what she needs to hear? And I think your observation re:NO 4th option is dead on also! Is a fact, we can stay and try to make something good for our own lives, we can leave, or we can stay and drive ourselves insane….the one thing that we CANNOT do is make them stop if they do not want to. Maybe there is something to that step 1 afterall? 🙂
Sharron, I had a really good little therapist in Singapore not long after I found out that my husband was also having the time of his life at my expense. I was a ball of rage and could have just gone on and on and on about what a #@$%%&^**@@ I thought he was. She listened to me for a few sessions and she agreed he was horrible and a narcissist. Then she asked me if I wanted to win and how to do it? I said yes…that was all I could think of was how to make the %$##&**@ pay. She said, “If you want to win, you win by NOT playing their game.” She explained that narcissists love attention and either positive or negative will do for them. She said what they CANNOT STAND is to be ignored or to be unable to illicit a response. I think she is right. I still get close to the rabbit hole when I deal with my husband but I rarely fall in anymore. I find I am able to regain my composure much quicker than I could before. He used to push all my buttons and in 30 seconds, I would be up on the ceiling like a raving lunatic. And the entire process would just go round and round and round. Nothing was accomplished and I would feel like he had beat me.These guys are cruel in how they get their kicks. Play a new game, Sharron. The one you are playing now is NOT working and is only hurting you. He on the other hand, is having the time of his life? BIG HUG Karen

hi sharron, working better than i would have even thought. When he starts that poor me crap, its just him. You and he are not one in the same. Do not feel one ounce of pity for this man, not one. If you do, then he has got you. He is capable of changing his world around for himself…and himself alone. So go about your business as usual. I would not partake in much conversation with him. Except how you did, yes no, one line answers. In the meantime go off and be you. Get out do things, so you are not in the house with him when he is home, get away, give yourslef a vacation from steve…even though he is there. Don’t let him or his crap bother you. Say to yourself…i will be fine whether he makes it or not. I do not need steve in my life to be happy. i do not need this dysfunctional relationship in my life, and until it can be a healthy functional relationship, i will not partake in man/wife relationship. thats what i did. It saved me in the end i think. I went on with my life and prepared for the worst. In my case the worst happened…but i am fine!!! You will be fine too whether he makes it or he does not. Your happiness in life should not be based on what steve does or does not do or whether or not you have a fulfilling love relationship. Besides that not love, thats entrapment. We all love our husbands, we all wish things could have been better. The relationship that you and steve has is no different than anyone elses. There is a point in where women can love too much, and love their men more than themselves, or the thought or longing for this “our love is so strong and powerfull”….. Please try to love yourself more than you love your relationship with steve. You deserve this.