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“Hi JoAnn,
I wrote you a few weeks ago, and have attached the email below. Can you post for me or let me know how. Turns out it is worse, so far admission of seeing to prostitutes, swears hand job only but he also swore he never met up with anyone.
I’m really tired of all of this! And happy to have the site for support
Thanks so much
Anna
Hi Joann
It was a breath of fresh air to find your site, and read through so many stories I could relate to. I was recently blindsided by my husbands sex addiction, am about 3 weeks post confrontation……….For background, I am a recovering alcoholic, have been sober almost 2 years. To say I was a good wife prior to my sobriety would be a lie, I was not in so many ways.
My husband and I had much more of a parent child relationship for many years, it certainly was not a healthy relationship.
I married my husband because I thought he was safe. I knew he loved me more than I loved him, and knew he would never leave me. Apparently this is common for those of us with daddy abandonment issues and a history of sexual abuse.Because I needed to feel in control of the relationship to feel safe, it did not allow for my husband to grow and didn’t allow me to have respect for him. We have never had a healthy sex life, until my sobriety.
Fast forward to 2 years ago, I stopped drinking, began therapy, became more in touch with me and living my life in the present and commenced on a road of gratitude and appreciation for the blessings in my life. I tried extremely hard to right so many wrongs I’d been responsible for in my relationship with my husband.
The first year of my recovery did not see many changes in our relationship as I suspect he did not think the changes in me would stick but the last year had been good, and I believed we had a good shot of making a happy life together.
And then he did two things that sent red flags up for me.
1.) he opened the phone bill and gave me the summary page only, i.e. no phone detail red flag raised, but moved on with my day
2.) he stopped the mail when we went on an annual beach vacation, pro-activity not his strong suit.So when the following month’s phone bill came and he again pulled the detail, I put on my private investigators hat and began digging.
I pulled cell phone bills for the prior year and found a large amount of phone calls to 1.800 sex/chat lines. The disturbing parts were the amount of time spent on the calls, and the fact that they went to local call lines. i.e. meet singles in your area.
I then found web history of looking at ads on craigs list as well as various phone calls and text to random cell numbers.
When I confronted my husband I did so with love for him as I understand addiction and did not want to make him feel ashamed or judged. He was shocked that I had found him out, but offered only a little remorse.
I believe he did so because he did not realize I had the phone records for the year because I did not go into a lot of detail about what I found.
It took a couple days for him to realize I was very serious about my discoveries, and he has since been extremely remorseful, has gone to see a sex therapist and is going to his first 12 step meeting tomorrow night.
He is doing and saying all the right things with respect to his recovery, but I do not trust him. Something in my gut is telling me it is worse than what he has admitted to so far.
He swears he has not slept with anyone else, but who looks up craigslist ads without acting on them. As far as I can tell craigslist is not a chat site, it is for random and anonymous hook ups. And I go from feeling sorry for him, and wanting to help, to not being able to stand being anywhere near him, angry and then to feeling completely numb.
I feel isolated because I don’t have anyone to talk to about all of this. I still see my therapist, but need to talk to women who have been through this and find out how they cope.
With my past sexual abuse, and his sex addiction (i’ve always known he masturbates a lot) our sex life has never been healthy, and with the baggage of that, my drinking and the new revelations I don’t think I have the energy, the want, the desire to try and work this out.
Is this a normal reaction????? I have no idea…..feel very lost, and hopeless at times.
‘
The hardest part for me is giving up on the fantasy life I thought we had, all the while knowing deep down we didn’t. Maybe we will end up stronger with better communication, a deeper relationship, but after reading your site and others, it seems recovery is not very prevalent, and I truly don’t know if I can get past this. I’d rather he be addicted to anything other than sex, I think I could get past anything else.Anyway, any insight, opinions or direction you could give would be very much appreciated!
Anna
Anna,
Congrats on YOUR sobriety!!!I have said the very same thing about my husband’s sex addiction…anything but that, please. I wish he did heroin, coke, alcohol…it would seem easier (though I really don’t know if it is) than him wanted other women all the time. It hurts to go anywhere with my h, even if he is doing really well not lusting. It stinks!!! My life will NEVER be the same.
Anna, I am sorry for all the lies, deceit and sexual betrayal your h has brought into your marriage. It is natural to want to leave someone with these issues.
Much love, B. TrayedAnna,
I also want to congratulate you on your sobriety. I can’t imagine harder work. My father was an alchoholic, and I swore I would not put up with the same in a relationship. Who knew I would end up with something that, at least for me, seems so much harder and more difficult.
Big hugs and welcome to you. I hope you find the support that I have found here over the past 6 months or so. I truly don’t know what I would do without these ladies.
Much love,
ZumbagirlThank you both so much for the response. My sobriety is the greatest gift I’ve received, and I know if I were not sober, I would have already kicked my husband out rather than try and offer support and empathy to him.
It turns out my gut was correct, I recently felt ‘safe’ enough to ask for more information about his activity.
He admitted to seeing two prostitutes for ‘hand jobs’ only. He said it was ‘a long time ago’ I did not want to know his definition of a long time ago……I thought the honesty would help, it has not. I feel like I am going through the discovery process again. I also don’t believe this is the end of the story. When I initially confronted him about the phone bills he said it was only telephone chats, and now has admitted to prostitutes for hand jobs. My guess is this is there is more to the story, but I really don’t want to know anymore right now.
He continues to do and say all the right things, and I can tell he has changed. He’s discovering his faith again and he truly is less anxiety ridden, enjoying his family and friends more. He’s def less isolated. But on a whim I checked his cell browsing history and 3 of the last 5 days he’s been looking at porn (he does not have access to the computer).
It sucks, I really was beginning to trust him again, so decided to ask him how he was doing with his masterbation and porn urges, he lied right to my face.
The sad thing is, I think he really believes it, and I don’t know what to believe. he may have left his anxiety behind, apparently it is now transferred to me…..Do these guys really ever change????Welcome Anna,
I hope you find some of the answers here that you need. It is very common for sex addicts to dribble the truth when they are discovered and to attempt to minimize ALL their behavior. They usually do not to admit to anything other than the things you can prove. I have read that they need to be in recovery for some time before they have any chance of really becoming honest with themselves and with you. A safe rule of thumb, at this point, is to take everything he says with a grain of salt. Try to ignore his words and look at what his behavior is telling you. Do NOT give your trust blindly because it is likely you will be hurt again. Try to take care of yourself and educate yourself about sexual addiction. I am sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us.WELCOME KarenWelcome Anna,
I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. We’ve all been where you are now and completely understand the overwhelming emotions that are hitting you right and left. Time is our only help. With time you will come to understand where you are, and things will become a little clearer with respect to what your options are and which way you think you need to go. The time it takes to reach these conclusions will vary from person to person. Bottom line, usually means do I stay or do I go. Some of us have seen some good recovery efforts and opt to stay and some of us have seen SA’s who don’t try to recover and don’t see the trauma they’ve caused and are forced to divorce to save themselves. Either way, you must allow yourself the time to grieve and heal. I’m glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist. I’m very proud of you for your sobriety! I know what that’s like and the hard work it takes to get there as I have 14 years sobriety from alcohol. And I also agree that I wish my husband was addicted to anything else but sex. At least if they were drug addicts, they can be tested to see if they are using. Same with alcoholics. Also, with a recovering drug/alcohol addict they must never have another drug or drink for the rest of their lives to be considered recovering. A recovering sex addict WILL have sex again. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? But a normal healthy life includes a normal healthy sex life.
I’m curious how long you’ve been married and whether you’ve had any children together.
This site will bring you so much help and support. We sisters are located all over the United States and some from Europe. I’m from California. We may be far apart but we are closer than some of our own family just because we can share this horrible secret and confide in one another where we can’t with anyone else. It makes each and every one of us so grateful and feeling very special to be a part of this group of wonderful ladies.
Please feel like you fit in right away because you do. Look forward to you joining in on the discussions.
((HUGS)) CB
Oh Anna,
Your story of life, marriage and discovery is not dissimilar to mine, but I arrived here on a far different train.
First of all, listen to your gut. If you think there’s more. There’s more and honey, even if you don’t want to believe there’s more, there is ALWAYS more. I had a SA boyfriend for one year, and you cannot believe what he was doing. He made me sick with dangerous HPV too. 🙁 I was such a desperate lonely idiot… longing for some lovin’.
But back to you and your h. You may or may know these things, but here goes:
There is NO “only”. There is no “just” and there is no “couple”.
“it was ONLY JUST a COUPLE of hookers.”
couple hundred?
I was just “chatting.”
nope. he was probably also “just” camming… (web cam sex) and getting so worked up that they “just” hooked up, but it was “only” once. no wait… it was twice… hmmm… honey, “honestly”, honey, “I don’t remember”. “it meant nothing.” “it was just a hand job”. “it was only online”. “I wasn’t looking for sex… i was just lonely” “I need more intimacy.”
with anyone who isn’t YOU.
but its not about YOU. its about his inability to sustain a truly loving relationship with ANY WOMAN.
can he learn? I don’t know. probably not.
in the meantime, he may look like he’s recovering. he’s excited… he’s caring… he’s loving… he’s fucking with your head, hun.
I call it mindfuck.
there’s no quick fix. This is YEARS and YEARS filled with relapse after relapse and it is impossible to ever know what he is doing.
I am not saying this to be negative. its reality. it IS the toughest addiction to beat, because its like giving up eating or breathing, and there are triggers EVERYWHERE. you know there’s porn on art.com??? I mean, its not “porn” per se… but there are naked voluptuous women galore.
and yes. Craig’s list is for anonymous fuck buddies. I think I must have a master’s degree, by now in predatory sociopathic studies, honey…(little lol) its not a pretty sight.
I first discovered my (geek) husband’s activities when he left his cyber sex open on my lap top by “accident” five years ago… i had no idea, except that we had no intimacy. Like your h, he loved me insanely and I KNEW that he would never leave me and would always take “care of me.” (I grew up in an extremely abusive household with a tyrannical, belt beating father)
Of course, I was in a state of shock and had no idea what to do or anything. So, I did nothing. Later, he encouraged me to date because I was so lonely (I know… but since he was whoring around, it NOW makes sense that he wished the same for me) 🙁 which is when i found myself embroiled with a sex addict (just one) which when it ended left me devastated and lost (and sick with HPV) which is how I found JoAnn’s first site. All the while, I truly believe that my husband was done with all of that, except that the home computer system with enough disk space to power half of the eastern seaboard, was locked up tighter than the pentagon… it was only after I got my 16 yr old high functioning autistic son ensconced in a therapeutic boarding school, that I finally mustered up the strength to start looking. (and also my fax machine ran out of ribbon, so NOW, I needed the mother ship and her 7 external hard drives to make one copy of a drawing for a client.)
and then… his preview email was left open… just over two weeks ago.
I am 55. we have two neurologically impaired children. I have an erratic economy driven business. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and married for 23. He’s deeply remorseful and FINALLY after years of my begging, is seeking help and 12 step. that’s great for him, but I’m not hanging my hat on it.
i’m scared shitless, but even so… I am taking steps to dissolve our marriage. (and i have moments when i don’t think i can do it, juxtaposed other moments when I HAVE to do it!) it sucks.
I admire women who can tough it out and I might’ve been able to do that if only he could support us. But he can’t do that either and so my life is quite limited, difficult and extremely stressful.
(((hugs))) and welcome to the sisterhood.
Lexie
Today I found myself looking forward to signing on and reading your responses. Thanks to you all for the information and perspectives.
CB-Congrats, 14 years! amazing.
I went to therapy and an AA meeting today where I disclosed being married to a sex addict. Being around these women reminded me of what you have all said, time takes time, and a gentle reminder to take care of myself.
We have been married 13 years, together for 16. We have two kids 8 and 4. I will be staying for a while due to finances so going to try and take all of this one day at a time.
This is a hard addiction, I imagine the closest one is a food addiction, bc you have to have it. There is not total abstinence. Seems clear he cannot go without porn for even a week, that was def surprising to me. I was less upset about the pros, bc I knew in my heart he had done this, but the continued inability to stay away from it for a week at a time is out of this world frustrating.
my therapist reminded me how many alcoholics go to AA bc family members have forced them into it, they didnt really want it. That, as many of you mentioned, it takes the SA time to truly admit they have a problem, and to be honest with themselves about the level of their addiction. The seed has been planted. His recovery is his, and I cannot control it. Although I’ve become to realize that is exactly what I am trying to do with checking up on him all the time.
I clearly need to educate myself more on this addiction, and stop looking so far into the future. Just going to try and stay sane, stay in today and take my time to determine if I have the willingness to stay and really work at this.
Right now, I dont have a choice but to stay, in the future I will determine for myself if I want to stay.Hi anna,
Welcome. This is one of my most favorite things to do btw. I love the sisterhood and i love trying to help others. I love that when i was down in the dumps first learning of sex addiction that others helped me, and i remember how much that meant to me and how much that really helped me.I think the checking serves two purposes. For one i think you do need to check to a certain point. You need to know that he is deserving of you and beginning to build trust and you need to reach a comfort level with him. and that is done by a proven history of trust based on if he is actually trustworhty. To not monitor at some level at this point i think is a tad bit foolish. You have young kids in the house and you are their protector. You have an addict in the house who is far from recovered or in recovery, again you are their protector. All porn, r rated moveis, sex toys he may have need to be removed from the house. You cannot trust him to take control and do these things himself.
At this point you are very right. It is one day at a time right now. And as each day passes you will eventually find what is right for you. You will know when you know. The strenght comes in when we are able to go through with what me may or may not need to do for ourselves.
I have been divorced twice now. Hard each time. But one thing to do forsure, wether you stay or go…is get yourself educated, start a part time job, start building your credit, start building an escape fund if necessary…this is vital to your survival. Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. The partnership and marriage is for two, do not sacrifice you, to keep a marriage going. If you need time away from him, ask him to leave for a while. Sometimes i think it is necessary to restore our sanity.
Anyway. Glad you have found us and so very nice to meet you!
Love,
Flora
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