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Flashdrives…I never thought of that! I know my SAH has a few in his work bag and it never occurred to me to look at those. This brings up something I’ve been thinking about…I want to start a thread where we can compile all this helpful information but I’ve been reluctant to do that b/c I didn’t know if that would cause major triggers for everyone? Or not productive to our own recoveries? I for one, feel like the more information I have, the better and I have thought of myself as somewhat of an expert at this detective type work but I have learned so much more in this past week, it’s incredible. What do y’all think, a thread for ways “To Catch an SA”?
Feeling Lost, I found a tiny pop up on his lap top when he asked me to shut his comp off. It was a pop up he was unaware of. He had left the house. I couldn’t get the pop up up, but there were 3 xs on it and I knew it was real bad… I had trusted him totally because everyone did. He was just that kind of guy. So first he admits to one hr per week. We had company so I couldn’t press too hard yet. 3 days later as he is about to drive off to airport with sister in law, I shove him down on the lounge and yell and threaten and he tells me the worst he ever did was have intercourse at massage parlors. I slap him and beat on him and almost break my hand, my arm was swollen for a week with huge bruises, and he had only a tiny nick on his chin as if he had just shaved. He was in trauma as was I. It took 2 months of constant writing, with his fucking family visiting constantly, such assholes he even hates them, and me in trauma, losing weight, can’t sleep, immediate counseling where he omits stuff to him also, so I stop him going there…you have to find a recovering sex addict therapist who understands bull shit. I found him one. I knew I couldn’t leave.He works hard on the disclosure with the therapist but the therapist thinks it’s way too full, too much information. But I want it all. So we continue it at home, for hours. It takes him days. He makes an excel spreadsheet with dates and quantities. It takes time see, because he minimized everything, made it unimportant, plus until 3.5 years ago, it wasn’t as horrific..it was, but there were no massage parlors. That was his main event..his super bowl, nothing was like the Asian whores who come here and make this country like theirs…los Angeles is turning into massage parlor nation, like bangcok or Korea where whore houses are on every block. Any more questions please ask, I will answer anything.
Teri, thank you for your reply. Yes, it is as low as any man can go…fucking prostitutes when you are trying to impregnate your wife, succeed, his child is growing inside your, my, body, have emergency c section, still fucking whores, and then when his loved child turns 2.5 years, mommy makes the discovery. I am grateful those god awful fucking whores used condoms – thank you, you whores. My husband did not protect me, they did.
feelingconflicted – I understand your frustration. Your husband is deflecting and playing the “poor me” card. If your h doesn’t want to walk the walk then kick his ass to the curb. Sounds like he is very comfortable in having his cake and eating it too. He needs a wake up call. If he is showing no effort to work on recovery, then your only option is to stay and be miserable or separate, give it some time, and then you will be in a place to make an informed decision.
I have to tell you, though, that I went through 3 separations. The 3rd time I filed for divorce and followed through. Lots of wasted time and energy.
In retrospect, I wish I would have gotten out the 1st year of marriage when I found out my h had an addiction. Although I was I knowledgeable in the area of mental disorders, I had no experience in sex addiction.
I played into his games and promises to recover. I was incredibly naive, and kept holding onto the hope of change. He told me many times “I don’t want to be this way,” but the paridgm shift never came, and up until, and after, divorce day he still does porn and he still lies.
Very sad that a man gives up his marriage for his addiction, but it happens all the time – whether it be alcoholism of sex addiction.
Hang in there kiddo – you will know the right decision to make when you get your belly full.
Hugs to you.Lynng2, Yes, I heard that and told my husband. He didn’t know, he said.
I have had STD testing as did he, clean bill, thank you again you fucking whores. Who the fuck are these women, how can they do this shit?
OMG, I am learning so much about computers. I agree – we should have a topic about everything we have all learned about catching an SA.
Now I know why my h kept his brief case locked during the last months of our marriage. He had flash drives or a portable hard drive in it. I had gone through it in the past, but was so pre-occupied with our problems towards the end of our marriage that I didn’t even think of making him open it when I found it locked.
It was bad enough he went into my bedroom, (We were sleeping separately from December until I moved out in April) went through my dresser drawers and took the CD’s I found with porn on them. I thought I had them until I got settled back in my Condo and found them missing. They will stoop to any level to cover their tracks.Gee, congratulations on your wonderful daughter. That really is an amazing gift. I’m so sorry that during the joy of having her, you had to go through this awfulness. Since you’ve made a firm decision to stay with your h because of your daughter, just remember to take good care of yourself. I know it can be hard when you have a little toddler keeping you busy, but it’s so important after going through a trauma like this. Enjoy that precious little girl, and stay strong. xoxo
FC, you can start whatever thread you want. I think it’s a great idea, mainly for the new sisters.
Smart idea!
Sharron – I’ve made my decision this past weekend that I cannot live like this any longer – I’ve had my “belly full” as you said. I have been sitting with that decision for a few days just to make sure it was right. Now I couldn’t be more sure of anything in my life. I haven’t told my husband yet b/c I don’t want to ruin the holidays for my kids and I thought I could “live the lie” for 2 more weeks but today, I’m not so sure. I’m shaking and teary-eyed and can barely think straight. We had a long discussion last night and it went everywhere from anger to denial to blaming me for being too controlling to begging me not to leave him. Hell, he even invoked our vows – “in sickness and in health”. He’s “sick” and “you said a vow to stick by me”! I can’t believe the gall of that man – where the hell were our vows when you were fucking whores and got arrested for solicitation? Or when you gave five fucking thousand dollars to some former stripper fuck buddy??? At least that is where he said the money went – I actually don’t even know if that part is true. The best (or worst) part? Is I could probably get past that stuff if it were only in the past but I know with absolute certainty that he is still doing it. I found some emails this past week that at best, were shady for someone who is supposed to “an open book” and wanting me to trust him. At worst, they prove he’s still acting out. His response? Selective amnesia. He has no idea why he had those emails. I made him let me go through his phone while he stood there and he proceeded to minimize everything and then after a few minutes, grabbed it back and told me I had a problem and that I needed to stop policing him. I didn’t even engage…just went upstairs to bed. Sent him a text “Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing”. His response? And I honestly don’t think he was being sarcastic…”Thanks for giving me some hope, even if it’s just a little”. WTF????
And Gee, you have every right to be angry and be angry and who or whatever you want but keep in mind those Asian massage parlors or porn sites or you-name-it wouldn’t exist if horny, sex-crazed assholes didn’t frequent them.
feelingconflicted – I try to look at all angles of everyone’s situation,and also try very hard to give an objective opinion on questions. (Sometimes that is hard for me to do- I just want to kill the fuckers).
I am really glad you are going to get away from this guy. He shows absolutely no remorse or signs of wanting to recover. His responses are so typical – the blame game, the selective memory thing. They all do it. Begging you not to leave translates into “What am I going to do without my wife to show a reasonable facsimile that I am normal.” And then, “thanks for giving me hope” – just another manipulation to play with your mind. Be prepared for him to try anything.
I am so glad you are not buying into it, but at the same time I know you have a lot on your plate and the stress has to be over the top. Don’t cave. You will feel such a sense of peace and relief when you are out of this situation.
If you ever need a shoulder, give me a call. My number is 913-766-0961. Sometimes, it really helps to have someone listen to us in person.
Love coming your way,
SharronFC, his response made me laugh in an astonished, disbelieving sort of way. Wow. He really doesn’t get it does he? I think you’ve made the right decision.
Fc, thats a tough one. Maybe a motel66 for the time being for him. Holidays at a cheap hotel if he is acting out is the best present for you, self care. Or you could ignore him until divorce. Just dont deal with him. If you have proof of sex, trying to get sex, communication about sex, then all is off the table. Only if they are working their recovery is it worth it. If you know for sure he is not, motel or complete detachment is the only sane thing.
CAN I JUST SAY I HATE THAT! DON’T ALL OF YOU HATE THAT! THESE ARE GROWN MEN! I hate the fact that they can’t be trusted with a computer or a cell phone or fuck, outside of the house. If I tell my 11 year old not to do something he doesn’t do it. I don’t have to monitor HIS PHONE. He has more sense then a GROWN MAN. Checking up on them seems like a horrible way to live. I just can’t do it. I just can’t!!!
I want to be with a man that can handle an iphone!
I’m not being very sympathetic to their “addiction”. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how much more I can take of the contracts and the checking up and the transparancy. I have enough kids! Can my husband be trusted to wipe his own ass? I’m not sure!!!
FUCK!ONE MORE THING! IT’S NOT THE OTHER WOMEN I.E. WHORE’S FAULT. They are not married to me. My husband is. In fact, some of the ladies had no idea my husband was married or had kids. He said he was happily single. It is 100%, unequivocally, without a doubt, ALL HIS FAULT.
I do not monitor anything and have NO intention of doing so. I really like your new therapist Steph 🙂
I have never been angry with the other women involved. I called the ones that my H had numbers for. I told them I was not angry with them. They were very nice, told me a lot, and some even offered to call and “set him up” if I wanted to catch him. Most had no idea he was married…
I have some anger towards his one ex-stripper fuck buddy, Jess, only b/c he seems to have some emotional attachment to her. I personally think she’s playing him like a fiddle but I guess he’s buying it b/c he allegedly has given her upwards of 5k in the past few months. She was arrested 5 or so years ago (when she was 20) along with 2 other guys for setting some guy up via an ad on Craigslist and then proceeding to rob him (probably some SA wanting an easy lay – karma is a bitch isn’t it). She also has 2 children from an ex-husband but she’s such a great Mom that her former MIL has the kids and she does not. Wow, what a super piece of ass you’re hanging around. I’m scared that this role model might end up around my children. I know the lawyer said you can stipulate no “overnight guests of the opposite sex” in a separation agreement. Hell, the way he’s going I probably would need to stipulate “no overnight guests of any gender”. Can you stipulate that they are not allowed to have the kids around any fuck buddies? Probably not. I think I will ask for primary physical custody – I work p/t from home and take care of the kids the majority of the time so he can have his visits twice a week and on the weekend or whatever. More time to fuck random strangers. Can you tell that I am angry??? I went through many months of slowly detaching and not really angry. I’m a very empathetic person so he preyed on that, I guess. Now it’s like a light switched on and I am so pissed off I could scream!!!
You have every right to be angry. It’s healthy. I asked for full custody signed over to me in the “post nup” type papers. I would never keep children away from their father but I had to be able to say no to hookers…
Full custody will never hold up in court if he contests it but the fact he was willing to sign gives me a slight edge. It’s the best I could do. My kids are older now too so they are very capable of telling the judge that dad was doing XYZ during visitation if it comes to that.
Teri is going thru hell with hers…Bottom line…get legal advice and cover all the bases.
I see nothing wrong with being angry at any other women. I’ve always hated sex workers from the time I was very young and heard anything about them. They are vile pieces of trash and the world needs to put trash into the garbage, they are garbage. I hate Breakfast at Tiffanys, I hate that. god awful Julia Roberts pretty womanShit saw it with my sa..hahahaha. They all hurt women. And sure blame the men. Ya know, women have bodies nature specifically made..all round and hour glass specifically to turn the raging hormones that men have naturally, they cant help thinking about sex every few seconds..I wish some of you would really understand this. Women and men are complete opposites. We really are almost different species. Why do you think our breasts look this way…full, round, inviting, even though we are not nursing. Nature designed that to turn men on all the time. Why are our butts round, the same like breasts, to turn men on every second. Why are our faces more child like, so feminine, to turn men on..yet, we have very little testosterone…the best aphrodisiac on the planet..nothing comes close..NOTHING. Yet men are raging with this hormone and women are these bodies that epitomize their constant desires…and if that isn’t bad enough, though we are not sex crazed like all men, sa’s aside, sex workers use all this to fuck with men and take their money and ruin families. Sure I can say, but my H is married to me, not the whores. That’s true. I’ve worked with hundreds of men in construction, football, university, national airport, medical field. All the men I spoke to cheated. Oh well,hate to bust all the know it all bubbles out there. And not one wife suspected…not one. Now I’m in that club too. And the men cheated with nurses, flight attendants, customer service personnel, patients, customers, business partners, co-workers, secretaries, baggage handlers, fuel attenants, volunteers, other mens wives, hook ups in bars, strippers, prostitutes, call girls, even had friends hook them up… I would rest my case but too many will read this and faint or scream or call me nuts or just continue in denial.
It all sucks. If we can’t take it we stay. If we can’t take it we leave. All I know is that my sister in law also thinks her husband hung the moon…trouble is he’s my husbands brother….same family…same genes…alcoholic, has visited a strip club..but that was a mistake…men are pigs – it’s the f’ing truth. Boys grow up to be men….we can’t stop it. But women sure as he’ll should not be the supply, as easily and as eagerly as they are. Fuck the men, but really fuck the sex workers…they are multiplying more than ever. Really, how can an testosterone filled man survive…it’s easy for us..we run on estrogen..big deal, the emotions runnuth over.
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