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I did a consult with a lawyer in early November so got some of the groundwork covered but I didn’t truely think I’d be asking for a formal separation just 6 weeks later. This site has really opened my eyes and in turn, I think b/c he senses my detachment, he’s really scared and so he’s slipping up a lot more. Therefore, I’m gathering more evidence not only for a divorce but to continue to reinforce to myself that he is not worth this. My girls are almost 8 and almost 10 but smart as whips and incredibly close to their Momma. I’ve always wondered why they weren’t as attached to Daddy. He’s a “good enough” Dad with them but now I’m realizing it’s the SA that has prevented him from really bonding with them. I know they would tell me every last detail of time spent with Daddy but I don’t know if I want to risk finding stuff out “after the fact” nor do I want them to be put in a position of having to tell on Daddy. But, an uncontested divorce is a lot easier (and cheaper) than a contested one. Up until very recently, I never ever thought if we were to break up that he would play dirty. I never thought he’d do anything to put our kids in harms way. Now, I have no idea what he is capable of and I’m not going to be caught un-awares.
i’m so angry with my husband, that i’m not even angry at him, if that makes sense.
not angry at the hookers at all. how desperate must you be to give blow jobs for $20 and intercourse for $40 (the going rate in vancouver for crack whores)?
not even angry at his parents anymore. my parents aren’t perfect, and i didn’t decide to ruin the lives of the ones i love.
i am angry at the rampant misogyny in the medical, legal and therapeutic fields…
i’m not angry with myself – at least not very much – i did the best i could.
i’m just angry with DW for being such a fucking DW.
Monogamy is a myth. It just hurts so much because we hate that we fell for it with the forsake all others. I guess because I understand all this, through psychology, my university, my years of study, now therap, all point to the fact that humans were never meant for monogamy. Marriage basically started because of property rights, women – property. Religion doesn’t even help. Men were meant to f as many females as possible. But at the same time, society says that men must marry and pretend to be something they are not. Women just can’t pychologically wrap their heads around that, at least not Western women.
Say what? I know men that have been crushed when their wives or girlfriends have cheated on them. It is not a women just don’t understand that boys will boys. That is nonsense. Monogamy is a choice not a myth. If I take my vows seriously or if my boyfriend promises to be faithful. I expect that to be true. If they can’t be monogamous well then at least be honest and don’t get married. It is a choice.
Of course it’s a myth, otherwise cheating wouldn’t be so rampant. I’m not saying it isn’t just as crushing if it wasn’t a myth. It’s traumatic. I’m in trauma. But I chose to believe my h would be monogamous, that was my mistake. And yes in one of my groups a man put a gun in his mouth, he is so traumatized, but he is the only guy. Women are much easier to control because we have different hormones. And most men who have cheating wives have cheated, they just don’t think that what they’ve done is serious cuz they are guys and guys always think they can get away with a little bit..I don’t expect any SOS to get this, just ignore it.
I don’t buy that men are biologically programmed to cheat. Not at all.
It doesn’t take into account any of the new research into altruism and the importance of social connections. It’s one thing for male animals to not stick around to raise offspring when it takes a short time to reach maturity or when animals aren’t social and don’t need a skill set taught to them by the a male role model.
Human children take a lot of time and effort to raise, and we are social. There is plenty of reason for human men to need to stick around to ensure the survival and success of their offspring. That’s why they normally bond with and love their kids and their wives.
The societal institution of marriage is a whole different animal. But I think you could use your same argument to say we are all biologically programmed to go around killing each other and society is just making up murder laws that we really shouldn’t be expected to obey because it’s not in our biology?
Yes, children need more than one adult to raise and protect. That’s why early man had the females raise them and hunt for berries and men hunted and protected. Women knew who their children were, the men didn’t. Now we have medical gene testing, so we know for sure if needed who the father is.
a lot of people cheat on their spouses. a lot of people don’t.
important to know – infidelity is different from engaging in compulsive sex..
there is a whole shitload of disorder that comes with the compulsive behaviour that may or may not come with infidelity.
if my husband merely cheated on me i would probably forgive him.
and… there are good people out there! just because we ended up with sexassholes doesn’t mean everyone else is fucked up too!
I agree with you Last Straw, monogamy is a choice. Men may have been programmed to procreate at whatever cost but we have evolved. Yes, men and women may still get urges but in today’s society you have a choice to get married or not and if you choose to commit to one another then you are being completely dishonest (to say the least) if you fuck someone outside of that vow. I get the interest in starting a philosophical debate and obviously, it intrigued me enough to comment but personally, I have way too much on my mind to even care whether or not this is routed in our biology or not. These guys weren’t just “not monogamous” – they were deceitful, disrespectful, dangerous, dirty…I’m sure there are many other D words I could add!!
Gee, this stuff you are saying is starting to sound like excusing the men and blaming the women and it’s pissing me off. Sorry but I feel the need to be blunt here. You can’t just say you’re traumatized too and then proceed to tell us all that it’s really our fault because we have breasts and butts and men are programmed to want as much of that as they can get. I know and love the women here and it makes me mad when anyone, even another sister, tries to tell them that it’s their fault and unavoidable to boot. All men crave sex with multiple partners and monogamy is a myth? So there are no happy, loving, commited couples anywhere? No hope for any of us to make or find a monogamous relationship? No. I simply don’t buy that crap at all. Whether SA is a disease or not has been debated many times here. Regardless of which way you fall of that issue, the SAs made CHOICES. They chose to act out rather than seeking help for their urges. They knew it was wrong. They knew it would cause pain. The women who love them did nothing wrong. It’s not because we have breasts. It’s not some chromosonal programming or karmic punishment. It’s not because we were bred to marry SAs because of our bad childhoods. That sort of over generalized rationalization does not work for me.
gee,
you sound really afraid to me. there are good things to hang on to. an SA is not a good thing to count on, but there are plenty of people who are worthy of your trust. perhaps focus on some of the really good people for a bit, and leave your sah out of the picture for a while.
look for joy, try not to engage in black and white thinking. try not to let fear overtake you.
you will be ok. things will get better. you will get stronger.
Gee, what do you mean “a man in one of your groups put a gun in his mouth”? What group was that? What kind of group has both partners and sex addict/compulsives in it? They never meet together.
If it’s “your” group do you mean that you are a CSAT running a group for Sex addicts/compulsives?Gee you are talking some seriously bad shit over the last two pages. Are you all right? I mean what you said about hookers was pretty intense, and then that stuff about our bodies and how men are made and wishing we would understand this….
I’m worried you are flipping out. Do you have someone you can call? Or have you been into the booze or something? People go on rants for various reasons here, but the edge of yours is disturbing and feels dangerous to me. Please call an emergency help line and get some live support.Gee,
I agree with Diane. This is all getting pretty weird.All humans make choices, and the “biology” defense for men is not applicable in our developed society. Blaming biology and sex workers for all our SA problems is a waste of time.
Yeah, a man put a gun in his mouth in one of your groups? A couples sa/COSA type group? Are you in a relationship with a man and are you a man yourself? These last few posts are confirming my belief from yesterday there’s a man among us.
My biology is to urinate exactly when and where the signal strikes. I overcame it at 2. It is possible to control your biological urges. That is, if you want to exist in company of other civilized humans.
I don’t NOT urinate. I learned there is an appropriate time and place to do so.
Biological urges are not bad. Expressing them is not bad. Learning to express them in ways that are not damaging is critical. Sexuality has the capacity to be an amazing gift, or a devastating weapon. Nobody said men couldn’t express their sexuality. Only that they must do so in ways that are not damaging. If they want to claim they are incapable, send them back to the jungle and let them hunt with sticks again.
The civilized standard of monogamy has been around a while. You are not special enough to reverse time for your own defense. Using your iPod to troll whores while claiming you’re not biologically capable of monogamy is a cop out. A “standard pick and choose your truth” tactic all gaslighters exploit. If you’re that retro, put down your latte and get on your knees and suck it off the floor.
I’ll help.
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