Anybody wanna play a guessing game?

Hi Kim,
I agree with Deb. With all respect and love and I apologize if I’m wrong, however, I want to hear about Kim. I want to know Kim. I read all the things you see your h doing and you are wondering what each of them mean? Some could mean something, some not. It’s hard to tell however you seem to be so focused on him and not you. That worries me. Please write a post about Kim. Love and care about you, Nap.

I think Nap is onto something here, Kim, though I am reluctant to say it.I spent SO MUCH TIME-YEARS TO BE EXACT, not wanting to talk about ANYTHING but what my H did and what an %#$@*&&%# he was. I, like so many of us, practically have a PhD in every kind of sicko diagnosis that might explain why one individual would hurt another in such vile ways. I, like you, am also still married legally. I like you, have some VERY compelling reasons why I feel I need to remain legally tied to him. The thing is, Kim, not wanting to break up your family could also just be an excuse not to address your own fears.( as my financial reasons may be too) As long as you don’t leave him and you keep all your focus on him and what he does and what he says…well, you don’t have to address too much about Kim..do you?? This is a very common behavior that most of us engage in and I am sure it is a necessary part of the process. I am not passing any judgment here, Kim, because I am not in any position to do so. I just would prefer not to see you waste years of your life in the same way I did. Believe me…your husband is going to continue to give you PLENTY to focus on if all you want to do is think about what he is doing? There is another option here, Kim and it can buy you some YOU time. You can be legally married but NOT emotionally married. You do not have to keep trying to make this marriage work. It is hard to do while under the same roof…and some might find it impossible…but it is one solution when you are not quite prepared to walk away. You don’t have to talk to him at all, about anything, except day to day stuff. You can detach from his recovery and what he does and doesn’t do.You can let him act out or drop dead or whatever he wants to do. And you can then take ALL that enormous energy you are putting into HIS LIFE and HIS CHOICES and you can begin to put it where it can actually do some good…in YOUR own life. You need your own therapist, Kim ( as you have discovered) and you need a plan just for youself. I believe you need to do this for 2 reasons. For your own mental and emotional health and because you cannot rely on your H NOT to do a runner at some point? You need to consider if it is better to be abandoned at 41 or 51? Why? Because, he is all over the map and I don’t think you know the half of what goes on in his head. He is constantly fantasizing about divorce and sexual freedom and that is really dangerous, Kim. Maybe the two of you will work things out but I think it would be wise to prepare yourself in case you don’t. He has already told you his fantasies, Kim. It doesn’t matter why he is on Facebook. It only matters that you are more concerned with what he does than you are about what you do? You have pretty much told him you are staying no matter what he does. Time to figure out how you can improve your own circumstances within that context, dear girl.
This is the old COSA message that we all hate and we all hate to apply to ourselves? Though we are not co-addicts and we are rightfully confused by what was done to us…the Cosa’s are right about one thing. Sooner or later…no matter how heinous the crimes our husbands have committed…we HAVE TO shift our focus off of their lives and on to our own. Because if we don’t…do we even HAVE lives in the true sense of the word or are we just inidviduals who spend our time on this planet simply reacting to the behavior of an other person…one who isn’t even sane most of the time? When you think about it that way….it does seem like a huge waste of the years of your life…doesn’t it?
With Love and Concern, karen x

Karen – thanks for your post. This is just what I needed to hear. I hope that Kim and I can get out of our mutual downward spiral and focus on ourselves – that is the good thing about COSA. I find it terribly difficult live in the same house as my SAH and sounds like Kim is having that same difficulty, too. It’s so hard to stay focused on US when they keep flailing in front of our eyes. Does anyone have any tips on how to do that without losing your mind?

I plan to go to the movies tonight with one of my kids, how about you, Kim? I think anything that we can do to focus on ourselves and not on them is a good thing. I know that I want to watch my SAH for any signs that he has seen the light – but that is like watching a boiling pot – it will drive you nuts in the end.

Kim,
one of our earliest exchanges was me telling you what an organized thinker you were. (And I may have invited you to come and fix my unorganized closets–because everything’s really about me). I know you have some real fears associated with leaving. So why don’t you apply your wonderfully organized thinking skills to how to ‘detach’ and carve out some safe emotional space for you to be in that house with him. I am wondering here if the first step is to separate two main drivers—one is your emotional bond to the abusive man, and the other is the practical and pressing rationale that needs to keep the “dominos” standing.

We all have that terrible first bond of emotion. It’s amazingly resilient. But how will you make it in that house if you keep trying to have a mutual relationship of love that isn’t possible? Can you get organized about this? Or will it always pull you down the rabbit hole?
love,
D.