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My h is a sex addict. We have been separated for a few weeks now and I am reading and watching (utube) SA material since then. I also go to Al anon and will soon be going to my first S Anon meeting. Right now I’m reading the above mentioned book. Any others taking these steps and would like to comment? Thanks
Hi Francine,
I have read every book on SA that exists. I have not been (nor do I plan to go ) to any S Anon or Al anon meetings because I am not an addict. If you are addicted to something then I am glad that you are working the steps. If you are going because your husband cannot control his penis then I am sorry that someone convinced you that you were in need of addiction meetings.Let us know what you are dealing with. We are here and will listen and help if we can.
Several sisters have been to meetings. I can’t think of many that found them helpful. I think a few got some support from connecting to other women. I say it can’t hurt, but I wouldn’t buy into that “co addict” crap….
Hi Francine,
I don’t think it’s abnormal at all to collect information; I devoured every book I could find on the subject. Some of it good, some of it unhelpful, some of it ridiculous. I had to wade through it all, and it can be a bit overwhelming.
At the advice of my therapist (Csat) I went to CODAand COSA meetings. For about 4 months. What I discovered is that I am not codependent, not a coaddict, and I will not attend any more 12-step meetings. I’ll echo Bev here; if you have those problems, then you might find 12-step work helpful. You may have to go to some meetings to see how they feel to you. I don’t know your background, so I can’t really comment on whether it might be helpful to you. What I will say, unequivocally, is that being partnered with a sex addict does not mean that you are codependent or a coaddict. I’ve come to be offended by that implication, personally. It’s a bad assumption.
Being attached to someone and learning that they are a sex addict is hugely traumatic. I didn’t do anything to court or deserve this, they are amazing manipulators and concealers. I’m not an addict, I was completely blindsided, and can’t listen to those 12-steps that tell me I have a problem.
Anyway, I could go on, but just don’t let someone pigeonhole you just because you’re hurt, confused, and traumatized.I remember trying to get through a number of books for partners, so I imagine that was one of them. And they just didn’t resonate with me. I liked Barbara Steffens’ book although I felt it still sugar-coated. I really like “The Gaslight Effect” and George Simon’s “Character Disturbance”. A lot of sisters like his “In Sheep’s Clothing”. I’m not a 12 Stepper, either.
How is all that working for you, Francine?
Francine, i urge you to read this and pay close attention to the second paragraph:
http://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/services/saitm-training-course/HI Francine,
It’s such steep learning curve isn’t it? And one none of us wants to be on. There’s so much stuff out there and some of it isnt’ very good.
Trust your gut as you work your way through the material. Just because a “professional” says it works “this way”, it aint’ necessarily so. You know yourself. You know who you are. Be suspicious of those who need to label you without knowing you at all. Ask all the questions you want here. We’ll share what we’ve learned along the way.
And I’m sorry you are in this awful situation.
D.Sorry Francine but I have to concur with the above – I actually really loathed that book – it didn’t mend my shattered heart (did have a few transient pearls) however it made me feel as though I was trapped in the problem and the supposed solution to the problem. I try not to presume to speak for others so the 12 step world will never speak for me – keep reading though because it is only through discarding what doesn’t resonate that you can confidently claim your own voice:-)
Minwalla’s chapter on sexual trauma and abuse in Mending a Shattered Heart is the best thing about that book. I bought it just for that part.
Do you have the first or second edition, Francine?
Minwalla states if you are ever going to read this book — the 2nd edition only. Published 2011. Less co-addict stuff.
I reAd it about 3 years ago and some parts I found helpful. My kindle is full of SA and I fidelity books. I just ignore the parts I don’t agree with. I found Patrick carnes book quite helpful until I got the the co-addict and 12 step chapters. I was new to SA then but I didn’t finish his book because I thought it was a crock of shit
i read it. funny but i can’t remember anything about it, so i guess that’s saying something. i have yet to find a book on sa that really spoke to me as a partner. lots of people like barbara steffens book. i started it but didn’t finish it- just didn’t really seem to go into enough depth.
francine there are some wonderful interviews with barbara steffans on the married to a sex addict site. one month after d day reading was difficult. so i listened to them over and over…i’ll never forget that. it was helpful.
i can’t deal with the co addict slant in shattered heart.
The author of that book is married to Patrick Carnes–the sex addict who is also the self proclaimed expert on sex addiction. Apparently he did a great job convincing his wife she was codependent, and heck, maybe she was/is. But she definitely didnt speak to or for me.
Best wishes to you…this is a tough road to be on. Take whatever feels supportive and helpful to you, but dont be afraid to stand your ground against the so called experts. Dont be bullied into taking responsibility for your husbands mistakes and poor character.Cutting and pasting the second paragraph in March’s link:
This training will articulate how the co-sex addiction model is actually a form of diagnostic mislabeling and is clinically contra-indicated when it comes to the assessment and clinical treatment of partners and spouses impacted by sex addiction. The course will provide a historical perspective on gender-based violence and how the current “co-sex addict” model perpetuates a psychology of gender-based violence and the oppression of women. The training will describe how the co-sex addiction model is not only clinically inaccurate but how it does harm and is wrought with ethical and moral challenges. The training intends to advocate for the human rights of women who seek psychological treatment for the impact sex addiction and are met with the co-sex addict paradigm and how this is a serious crisis in the field (Minwalla, O., 2011 and Minwalla, O., 2012).Wow, thanks for all your thoughts. Been trying to organize my life since leaving & just getting back to this site. btw I have the second edition and the author is his daughter.
I’m still making sense of it all and what is most important to me right now is my self care and gaining knowledge. I want to learn from this. I want to do everything I can to not have this happen again. I know I didn’t cause this, I can’t control this and I can’t cure this. Yes, I got that from a 12 step meeting, one of the slogans. I think they use it in many 12 step groups and its very helpful to me. I can lose track of those 3 facts and when I do, which still happens at times, my head spins and that NOT how I want to go through life, consumed with him and his behavior. I appreciate that they say “my first priority is to keep the focus on myself” To me that means I need to continue to work on myself spiritually, to continue to grow and learn to be a better person in all aspects of my life, with or without an SA or A in my life. Its my life, my growth and my peace of mind that matters. Sounds good to me.
I think Minwallas’ chapter is great, how he acknowledges the terrible traumas SA behavior can cause to the partner, I don’t think I’ve seen that written about anywhere else. I also read the 2nd paragraph of that course description, would love to take that class! Thanks Diane for the reminder to trust my intuition on all this. And now my to do list is even longer! Thanks all for the reading suggestions.
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